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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I tell MIL she is a useless granny and mother?

38 replies

daffodiljar · 08/03/2015 14:10

MIL lives a couple of hours away so we don't see her often, but used to see her approx every other month. It always seemed to be a hassle for her though and we normally had to change our plans to fit in with her as she is never willing to change hers. Last year we saw her once partly because dh is so fed up with fitting in with her, but mainly her complete disinterest in us or anything we are doing. We didn't suggest meeting up and neither did she. In the end dh felt guilty so we went to see her. When we are there she doesn't talk to the dc or dh, but will moan to me. She tends to criticise her friends and the voluntary things she does and I find it very draining. She will cook us lunch then tell us how much the meat cost (she is very well off), sigh if we sit in the wrong place at the table, expect the dc to go to bed at 7pm (they are 11 and 8!) - the whole thing is stressful and we are relieved when it is over. She is a widow but has had a man friend for approx 1 year who she is obsessed with. Now she never phones us apart from birthdays. She spoke to ds on his birthday and thought he was dd as she doesn't know the dc. DH normally phones every 2 weeks through duty and the calls last less than 1 minute (he times them). Dh has a lovely sister who has recently had a baby and found it quite stressful. MIL has shown no interest and been no help. SIL only lives 30 mins from MIL so there is no excuse. SIL is so upset DH wonders whether to have a word with MIL but doesn't want to start a family feud. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
SisterMoonshine · 08/03/2015 14:14

I don't think there's much he can say to MIL though really.
Can he not just moan about her with his sister.
That's what I do with my siblings.

Branleuse · 08/03/2015 14:14

i think just see her less

sooperdooper · 08/03/2015 14:15

Why bother maintaining the relationship? If I was in your shoes I'd just stop bothering to call her to make any effort, it doesn't sounds like she's interested but it'd be easier all round if you just left her to it

ShatnersBassoon · 08/03/2015 14:15

Leave her alone. It's no skin off your nose if you don't see her, so no need to try to increase your visits or force more contact.

I don't think that telling her she's rubbish at family stuff would benefit anyone.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/03/2015 14:15

If the only real regular contact is Dh making the fortnightly phone calls lasting a few seconds, then maybe he could consider stopping them.

You (as an individual) can decide to have no further contact with your mil, let Dh make his own decisions.

Let sil address any issues she has with her own mother, you and Dh should keep out of their relationship.

No need for any drama I.e. Telling her she is a useless granny/mil. She clearly doesn't' care and a confrontation won't make you feel better.

Koalafications · 08/03/2015 14:16

I don't think it's your place to tell her anything. It's your DH's job to do that.

Vivacia · 08/03/2015 14:17

Why would you do something so cruel?

SanityClause · 08/03/2015 14:18

She sounds very difficult, and I sympathise, because my MIL is a very difficult woman, as well.

Given that you live so far from her, is there any need to bring this all to a head? Can you not just continue to see her every now and then, and brace yourselves for the effort each time?

If she was trying to interfere in your lives, then you might need to Soeak to her, or act in some way, but as it is, I would just stick with low contact. To my mind, she is the one missing out on knowing her DGC.

Oh, and be there for your SIL, as best you can. Not all mothers want to be involved grandparents, and it seems your SIL won't be able to rely on her mother, so she might need other family members to step in, where they can.

Marshy · 08/03/2015 14:19

So is she just a horrible person then or might there be some other reason for her behaviour?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 14:20

There's actually no qualification for 'granny'. She's a person same as anyone else and with the same failings as anyone else. If you don't like something she specifically does or says, tell her at the time rather than passively letting it slide. As religious types would put it 'hate the sin, love the sinner'.....

countessmarkyabitch · 08/03/2015 14:23

Why tell her anything? She doesn't make any effort with you, just put the same effort in she does.

There is no obligation on anyone to be interested granny.

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 14:24

She sounds like a narcissist. Actually she sounds very much like my dad's mum, she also did that thing of ignoring me and sis and my dad and only talking to my mum when we visited. And when I say "talking" I mean ranting, complaining about the cost of everything and that there were too many "arabs" moving into the neighbourhood Hmm

It sounds like she has always been a crap and useless mum? If so, it's probably more helpful to try to find SIL some practical and emotional support rather than to try to engage MIL, who clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone except herself. Your DH could perhaps cut down his calls, or even stop them completely because what does he get out of them?

Either way, it's your DH's mum so it's up to him and SIL to decide what they want to do. You can support, but try not to push one way or the other.

blueberrypie0112 · 08/03/2015 14:30

She is not into her family. I would stop trying.

ByTheWishingWell · 08/03/2015 14:30

I think telling her that she is useless would be very mean and would serve no purpose. Unless I'm missing something, I don't know why you would?

The relationship does sound difficult, but you're not obliged to see her, and she doesn't seem to be trying to pressure you to. If she's not interested in you, and you're not interested in her, then surely just not making the effort is the easiest solution. Put your efforts into offering your SIL support, if you have a better relationship and she is struggling.

Scalesandtales · 08/03/2015 14:52

Don't bother telling your MIL. She either won't accept it or she wont care.

Your SIL is the one who needs the attention right now. She is going through a strange sort of grieving process, where she has to accept that that the Mum she has doesn't measure up to most of the other Mums.

It can be really hurtful to realise this, especially if she has friends who have really involved parents.

I would try to be a sounding board for your SIL. Let her know that she can ring you for a chat and a moan if she needs to.

daffodiljar · 08/03/2015 15:14

Thank you so much for the replies. It is so useful to hear alternative opinions. I am feeling angry towards MIL so I suppose in a way I want her to apologise to DH and SIL for hurting them over the years. However, I can see that this will most probably not happen and MIL will continue to be in denial as to how useless she is.

The only good thing to come of it is DHs relationship with SIL has strengthened since she had her baby.

OP posts:
Meerka · 08/03/2015 15:57

YOu won't gain anything. The best thing you can do for your SIL is to be there as much as you can - phone calls, visit when you can.

The only reason to say anything to your MIL is if you really can't live with -not- saying anything. But it would be entirely for your own satisfaction; she won't change at all. Now speaking your piece can be worth it if it gives you peace of mind but leave your SIL out of it, it can only make things worse for her. It may or may not make things worse for your husband. Hard to imagine they could be much worse though, so probably not by much.

Some people are technically parents but basically they're pretty near nonentities and shit, really. Fortunately most are better than that !

hesterton · 08/03/2015 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 08/03/2015 16:09

If she needs telling anything then it's your DH's job to do it, not yours.

NancyRaygun · 08/03/2015 17:57

I have a similar MiL and my DH has made a deliberate effort to spend more time with his siblings and pretty much cut his parents out of the equation. No showdown but he feels like the family he makes an effort with should be the ones he loves, his siblings feel the same and it works. Font think the PIL Have even noticed really....!

MaryWestmacott · 08/03/2015 18:03

Agree with PP - there's no likely upside to telling her. You'll upset her, but not actually make her change. People rarely change long term, she might make an effort for a bit, but as she doesn't really care about family, then it will be an effort for her, not something she wants to do.

Keep in regular contact with SIL, go visit her (stay at a B&B to make it easier!), invite her to you. Offer any practical and emotional suport you can. Act a bit like you don't have a MIL.

Jacana · 08/03/2015 18:12

Mil has suddenly, unexpectedly, got a new interest in her life, her new blokeSmile bet she wasn't expecting that, but good on her.

Be pleased for her.

Coming up to Easter, if you can bear it, think of inviting her and her partner to join you somewhere for a meal?

Bluepants · 08/03/2015 18:16

If she is such a crap mum/granny, you should be happy that contact is already very limited. Why increase contact with someone you don't like or approve of???

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/03/2015 10:22

Stop worrying about this and move on. My Pil disconnected from his family when he remarried - we never see him anymore as he always 'busy'. He even sent us a Xmas card at the start of December with a note saying he was too busy to see us over Xmas.
There is nothing you can do - and even if you forced the issue, it sounds like she would be rubbish with the DCs. Spend your time with the family you like; the DCs will get much more out if it.

FlabbyMummy · 09/03/2015 10:25

I think its just the way that she is and there is no point telling her.