How can I tell MIL she is a useless granny and mother?

[daffodiljar]

MIL lives a couple of hours away so we don't see her often, but used to see her approx every other month. It always seemed to be a hassle for her though and we normally had to change our plans to fit in with her as she is never willing to change hers. Last year we saw her once partly because dh is so fed up with fitting in with her, but mainly her complete disinterest in us or anything we are doing. We didn't suggest meeting up and neither did she. In the end dh felt guilty so we went to see her. When we are there she doesn't talk to the dc or dh, but will moan to me. She tends to criticise her friends and the voluntary things she does and I find it very draining. She will cook us lunch then tell us how much the meat cost (she is very well off), sigh if we sit in the wrong place at the table, expect the dc to go to bed at 7pm (they are 11 and 8!) - the whole thing is stressful and we are relieved when it is over. She is a widow but has had a man friend for approx 1 year who she is obsessed with. Now she never phones us apart from birthdays. She spoke to ds on his birthday and thought he was dd as she doesn't know the dc. DH normally phones every 2 weeks through duty and the calls last less than 1 minute (he times them). Dh has a lovely sister who has recently had a baby and found it quite stressful. MIL has shown no interest and been no help. SIL only lives 30 mins from MIL so there is no excuse. SIL is so upset DH wonders whether to have a word with MIL but doesn't want to start a family feud. Any advice appreciated.

What would you gain from telling her this? Nothing but a whole load of upset.
She is at arms length and you hardly see her. leave it at that.
I cannot see any advantage in telling her this, seriously. Lower your expectations of her to zero.
I am nc with my mother she hasn't seen my chidre nfor 4 years. You already hardly see your mil so leave it at that

I have advised dh to not say anything to MIL and definitely not to bring SIL into the argument. He is so wound up about it though that he wants to and tried to call a few times last night. Luckily she was out and hopefully he will have calmed down today. I agree we really do not want any more of her in our lives than we have now.

Does she actually claim to be a good granny and mother though? Because from what you have written, it sounds like she is pretty uninterested and doesn't care.

You cannot change her. And actually none of this is her issue. She is allowed to have minimal contact if she wants. Yes it is hurtful, and its sad that this is the way it is, but the issue is your expectations. Lower your expectations, and accept that she doesn't want much contact.

If my DH has not phoned her for weeks she will complain to SIL she hasn't heard from him for a while but never make the effort to phone him. When she sees our dc she say incorrect things about them that she believes are right so i think she genuinely thinks she is an interested granny and possibly thinks my DH should make more effort with her!

How do you know that she's saying anything to your SIL? How do you know it's a complaint and not an observation? So what if she is complaining - it's still not a claim to be a great mother.

I ask again, why would you want to do something so cruel?.

She calls on birthdays. V impressive. She must know when they are.

Even I mix up my own children on the phone sometimes - they sound different and bizarrely similar, boys and girls, on the phone.

She isn't interested in spending more time with you.

Save your hurt and anger - you can't force anyone to like you, to want to spend time with you, or to have a relationship with you. Find a different way to get rid of your anger (counselling?) than by causing a bigger problem by stropping off at her.

Was dh at all upset by this relationship before you started pointed out the failings of it?

The rest of it - inappropriate bed times, talking about the price of meat, just sounds like visiting someone you don't know very well, which it the truth of it.

Up to you whether you try to be more friendly, visit more often, and try to build a relationship if you feel your kids would benefit. Nothing at all to be gained by informing her you don't think she is doing a good job as a parent or grandparent. There are no laws saying grannies must care two hoots. It's nice if they do, and you can be sad if they don't, but anger is a pointless emotion in this instance.

DH has always had a difficult relationship with her and it has taken a while for him to come to terms with it. Every now and then he gets upset/hurt but in general manages his feelings about her much better now. This was going on way before I met him and I have truely made an effort with her over the years and am always very friendly when we do meet. In fact if it wasn't for me keeping conversation flowing, there would be no talking at all. I always try to fill her in on dc when we do talk despite her showing no interest.

I think it's perfectly obvious why DH would want to be 'so cruel' to her Vivacia. He feels he deserves an apology for years of rubbish parenting. What child would not want their mother to show an interest in them and their dc?

I think it's perfectly obvious why DH would want to be 'so cruel' to her Vivacia.

Hang on. Your thread is how can you tell her, not how can your husband tell her.

He feels he deserves an apology for years of rubbish parenting

Firstly, your thread is about how she parents now. Secondly you saying "you're useless" is not going to achieve this aim.

What child would not want their mother to show an interest in them and their dc?

With respect, your husband is an adult. I believe that every parent is the best parent they can be. Sometimes even this is not good enough. You are unwise to encourage your husband to seek acceptance and involvement from a woman who can not offer it. You would be cruel to tell this woman that she's not a great grandmother.

Thank you for your advice. I completely agree it would not be helpful for dh to say anything to MIL and have advised him not to as I posted earlier today. I do believe we have to lower our expectations as she is unable to be the granny and mother we want her to be. The way she is is very hurtful and it is a struggle at times to accept it and not try to hurt her back.

I do believe we have to lower our expectations as she is unable to be the granny and mother we want her to be. The way she is is very hurtful and it is a struggle at times to accept it and not try to hurt her back.

I think that you are being very honest with yourself here.

What do you think about the points some have made above about not seeking so many opportunities for her behaviour to hurt your family?

Thanks Vivacia. You are quite right and there has been loads of great advice here. I think we need to move on with minimal contact and shall really try to support DH to understand this and to focus on his relationship with SIL.

I think that's a great plan. Build the extended family you would all choose for the next generation

you can't turn anyone into the person you would want them to be - you only have control over your own reactions to them. My Dsis never quite got that wrt our DM and remained angry about her - even now she's dead. My Dbr and I managed to detach, deal with her as best we could and didn't let her have any impact on our lives.