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Relationships

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Original poster

Pregnant and fiancé moving out

40 replies

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 12:09

I'm currently 8weeks pregnant (planned pregnancy but happened a lot sooner than expected as I have PCOS) with my second child, partners first. We moved in together in October, got engaged then started trying but I fully expected it to take a year or two whereas we fell straight away. So it has been a lot in a short space of time. The last few weeks I have been very stressed and snappy with my partner, every little thing he does irritates me and even though I try to be nice I just end up snapping at him and have been completely off sex, not even wanting him to cuddle and kiss me really. I'm not sure if this is down to hormones or what but on Wednesday this came to a head. He confronted me about why I can't even be nice to him and I told him he just irritates me and I don't know why but I feel suffocated, and I also miss the times when it was just me and my daughter. I told him I needed some space, he slept on the sofa that night then the next night went to stay with his parents (a few hours away).

He has just phoned to say that he has arranged accommodation for next week and has also arranged to view a flat locally. Now I feel really sad and confused that I'm going to be a single mum again and what this actually means for our baby and for our relationship. I feel like it escalated quickly to this point where we didn't really try any other solutions to give each other a bit more space. The past few days I have been a bit lonely but not particularly excited to see him again, and also enjoyed the quality time alone with my daughter and not having to clean up after him and put up with his annoying habits. I just feel so confused, has anybody been In a Situation like this? I'm wondering if living apart could actually save our relationship and work out best for us in the end but it just goes against what's expected!! He says he still cares about me but we can't live the way we were constantly irritating each other. I think I agree with him but I was in two minds, thinking we should really try harder to work past this especially if it is just my hormones sending me crazy! But now I resent him a little but that at the first sign if trouble he heads for the hills (even though I told him I wanted space - I know, he can't do right for doing wrong really) just feel really upset and I don't know what to tell my daughter when she asks about him any advice?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 13:47

From the fact that you're not really missing him, it sounds like this was for the best. I think if you can stay as friends (even FWBs maybe once you're back in the mood) and co-parent amicably then maybe that's the limit of this relationship?

Quitelikely · 08/03/2015 14:13

I think you are being unreasonable. Resenting him for doing as he was told? Telling him he irritates you? And you liked it when it was only you and DD?

I actually feel really sorry for him. What on earth is he supposed to do? Move on and make a life without you? Eve not though you are pregnant with his child, on the belief that you were going to be a family.........

If only he could have known you were going to do a u turn!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 08/03/2015 14:18

It sounds like he is best out of it. Hormones or not you sound really hard going. Why do you resent him? Why should he stick around to be treated like crap? You want it all on your terms.

countessmarkyabitch · 08/03/2015 14:29

I feel sorry for him too. You moved in together, got pregnant very quickly, and then you tell him that everything he does is irritating, you don't want him near you, you snap at him, you say you miss being a single parent, and you wanted him to give you space.
What was the man supposed to do?
If you want to repair your relationship you could start with a massive apology?

sanfairyanne · 08/03/2015 14:34

he seems to have jumped at the chance to move out. it all sounds a bit sudden but you dont sound like you are missing him all that much either. an amicable split now might be better than a longer term volatile relationship

wildwest · 08/03/2015 14:51

I think people are being a bit unneccissarily harsh. If you have been on your own with your daughter of course It's hard going to adjust to having someone new invading your space. Plus like you said you have had a lot going on in a short space of time and your hormones are everywhere. He might feel It's all too much and think you don't want him there. The best thing is to talk it through with him. Tell him exactly what you've said here and see what happens. I don't think It's good to say too much to your daughter at this stage. I'm not sure how old she is but maybe just say he's away with work or something. Hope things sort themselves. Xx

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 16:42

I wish I could have known I was going to do a u turn as well, I certainly didn't plan for things to go this way but they have. I just don't know how much of it is down to hormones or whether there is a real problem with our relationship. All I know is that the way I feel about him has changed, although I still care about him we don't seem to get on in the same way but is that something we just need to push on through or are we better apart? Really feel like I can't trust my own emotions and I can't make any decisions feeling like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 16:44

I've also been stressed about other things such as my mum having a major operation, not that this excuses my behaviour but it also contributes to my emotional state.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 08/03/2015 16:53

Its probably best for the moment. Nobody likes to live in this type of atmosphere and its not good for your daughter to see you being snappy all the time to him and then have blow ups between you both.

Earlybird · 08/03/2015 17:03

OP - given that you have done an emotional u-turn, and you are no longer interested in a relationship with your fiancé, do you plan to continue with the pregnancy? There is a lot to think about in that regard, seeing as you are only 8 weeks pregnant.

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 17:15

It has crossed my mind that that could be an option but I'm just not sure I could actually do it, this baby was wanted by both of us and I think I would feel consumed by guilt. I'm not sure that the relationship is even over, I do still care about him but I feel so differently about everything now compared to a couple of months ago and I just don't know why.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 17:21

You more or less told him to go from what Ican understand by your post. I think you both need to have a discussion about whether or not you want to stay together. A lot of couples do snap at each other and go through not so good times and still stay together. Do you feel that the whole relationship was a mistake and you rushed in to it or is it just a difficult time that can be got through.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2015 17:23

To be fair, pushing him away the way you have, any decisions about the future may not be in your hands...

Earlybird · 08/03/2015 17:30

How long were you a couple before moving in together in October? How well did you really know each other?

You ask what to tell your dd when she asks about your ex. First - is her own father in the picture? Second, what sort of relationship does your dd have with this new man?

Maybe you could also use some practical 'thinking out loud'. At this point, given what you have written, I think you must assume that a future with this man is unlikely. Given that:

how will you manage financially with another child

how will you manage practically with another child

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 17:34

I told him that we needed some space before we ruined our relationship completely, and he decided to leave. I thought we would have a discussion about what would happen next but we didn't speak until this morning when he told me he had arranged to find somewhere else to stay. He's coming to get some more of his stuff tomorrow night and said we can talk more then. It's been getting too much for me, partly because he expects a lot of attention from me and doesn't have any real friends in this area so he only socialises with me. I'm more independent and value time alone, as well as with my own friends. I was hoping we could find some solutions for giving each other more space such as him joining some clubs or whatever and me going out alone once a week so we each have some space and not on top of each other getting irritated. I'm now confused as to what I want and what he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 17:38

I had known him as a friend for eight years but were actually together for about a year before moving in.
DD does have a relationship with her father and sees him every weekend usually. Her relationship with my current partner is fairly good although he had absolutely no experience with kids before meeting her so at times he was a bit clueless and needed a lot of guidance.
Practically and financially I could manage with another child, and the fact that DD is desperate for a sibling also weighs heavy on my mind.

OP posts:

SunshineAndShadows · 08/03/2015 17:39

I know I'm going to sound a bit harsh here OP, and I know you didn't plan to do an emotional U Turn, but you talk about how this might affect your daughter and I wonder how long you actually waited and got to know this man before introducing him to your daughter,moving in with him, planning a pregnancy, and then kicking him out?
Perhaps a bit more time spent planning might have avoided some of the issues you all face now

CupidStuntSurvivor · 08/03/2015 17:40

I do think he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your feelings have changed and he can't really help that.

How was him moving in going before you fell pregnant? Did you still feel love towards him then? Before he moved in, did you miss him when he wasn't around?

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 17:47

Yes I used to miss him when he wasn't here and looked forward to seeing him. I was also a lot more chilled. When he moved in we were happy at first, I'm just not sure when things changed.

OP posts:

whitsernam · 08/03/2015 19:10

I've seen several women change how they feel about DP when they get pregnant. It has a way of making us reevaluate the man; looking to see if he really will make a good father and partner in life.... sadly, sometimes it is too late. You sound like that might be what is happening here. No?

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 19:20

Maybe you're right whitsernam I do sometimes feel like I already have two kids when dealing with him and DD so maybe it's making me reevaluate and worry about how things will be with another baby to look after.. It's hard because he is really clueless on anything to do with babies and still only has a limited knowledge of dealing with older children although he has more of a clue now than he used to

OP posts:

Original poster

Curlywurlysue · 08/03/2015 19:24

He also has never been in a serious relationship before, and sometimes acted quite juvenile. Sort of like his relationship experience stopped at a teenage stage and that's how he still acts, although he is quite mature in other parts of his life, eg at work.

OP posts:

countessmarkyabitch · 09/03/2015 09:04

So you hoped he would do whatever you wanted to make you feel better about the situation you created? And now you're not happy that he hasn't followed your script.
All you write about is what you want/ed and what's wrong with him, in your eyes. There is nothing at all about him and his feelings other than how they relate to you.
It's a shame you didn't figure out that you really don't like him very much before you got pregnant.

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 09:11

Op you've both made a mistake and he's now moved out. Sadly it does look as though your facing lone parenting a second time.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 09:20

Were you snappy in your first pregnancy and it's just repeating itself or is it him? Not all pregnancies are glowing skin and better sex, some of them make you feel awful.

Maybe you're having a boy and this is your hormones going crazy (just a guess).

Hard to tell you what you should do. Maybe get talking about the issue together and vow to be kinder to each other. No snapping from you, no running away from him.

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