Pregnant and fiancé moving out

[Curlywurlysue]

I'm currently 8weeks pregnant (planned pregnancy but happened a lot sooner than expected as I have PCOS) with my second child, partners first. We moved in together in October, got engaged then started trying but I fully expected it to take a year or two whereas we fell straight away. So it has been a lot in a short space of time. The last few weeks I have been very stressed and snappy with my partner, every little thing he does irritates me and even though I try to be nice I just end up snapping at him and have been completely off sex, not even wanting him to cuddle and kiss me really. I'm not sure if this is down to hormones or what but on Wednesday this came to a head. He confronted me about why I can't even be nice to him and I told him he just irritates me and I don't know why but I feel suffocated, and I also miss the times when it was just me and my daughter. I told him I needed some space, he slept on the sofa that night then the next night went to stay with his parents (a few hours away).

He has just phoned to say that he has arranged accommodation for next week and has also arranged to view a flat locally. Now I feel really sad and confused that I'm going to be a single mum again and what this actually means for our baby and for our relationship. I feel like it escalated quickly to this point where we didn't really try any other solutions to give each other a bit more space. The past few days I have been a bit lonely but not particularly excited to see him again, and also enjoyed the quality time alone with my daughter and not having to clean up after him and put up with his annoying habits. I just feel so confused, has anybody been In a Situation like this? I'm wondering if living apart could actually save our relationship and work out best for us in the end but it just goes against what's expected!! He says he still cares about me but we can't live the way we were constantly irritating each other. I think I agree with him but I was in two minds, thinking we should really try harder to work past this especially if it is just my hormones sending me crazy! But now I resent him a little but that at the first sign if trouble he heads for the hills (even though I told him I wanted space - I know, he can't do right for doing wrong really) just feel really upset and I don't know what to tell my daughter when she asks about him any advice?

Thanks for the replies. I don't remember being so snappy in my first pregnancy, although I was emotional and cried quite a lot!

I just don't know what to say to him tonight when he comes over, I haven't said very much about how he's feeling because I don't actually know, we have barely talked about it beyond the fact that he doesn't like it when I snap at him. I don't like it when he's moody so I'm not sure the blame lays entirely on my shoulders. Just not sure whether to ask him to come home and find other ways to work through this or if him getting his own place will take the pressure off and is actually the best idea. I'm sad at the thought of him moving out but I'm also worried about him coming home if it's going to be the same..

Perhaps you should have lived together a little longer than a couple of months before you started trying for a baby.
I also feel quite sorry for him, your posts are very much about you, not sure what you can say to the poor bloke tonight.

Thanks for the advice, I'll just hop in my time machine and sort that out!

So how long were you together before he moved in?

Also why did you think it was a fantastic idea to start trying for a baby before you even experienced living together first for a while? This could all been avoided and it all sounds very naïve, considering you already have a child you think you would know better.

I am a single mother to one child and yes I am judging you.

Thanks for letting me know that you're judging me, really appreciate it. Not sure why people feel the need to comment just to tell me know I've messed up, does it seem like I'm not aware of this?

The problem is how quickly you both moved in this relationship. It's only been about 5 months and you already live together, engaged AND pregnant.. That, in my opinion is way too quick. Doesn't matter how long you've known him. You truly don't know somebody until you live with them. In my opinion you are being really harsh on him, don't use hormones as an excuse! When he comes over tonight, let him talk about whats bothering HIM. See how you get on after a chat.

Thank you, I will definitely be listening to what he's got to say. Just to be clear we've been living together about 5 months, together for about 19 months. I know I can't blame the hormones for my behaviour but I certainly didn't act this way before I was pregnant so how do I stop myself from snapping when I feel so stressed and agitated? Genuine question, I want to know what I can do to make this better if possible.

How we're you feeling towards him before you fell pregnant, were you still feeling irritated etc or has it just been since you found out?

I hate the 'blame it on the hormones trope' but my DP and I rarely snap and to his credit he is a good guy but when I'm pregnant (currently with number 2) I find myself genuinely irritated by even the tiniest things. I over analyse things he does/says, I HATE the noises he makes eating/sleeping/generally existing and God help him if he touches me when I don't want to be touched- I get super protective about privacy and personal space. Particularly as your living situation has changed so much and you are all in it together with your children there is a chance it could all be a classic 'mumma bear' response.

I DO try and keep a lid on it and remain nice as I am aware that it's happening and its not his fault but it is difficult to keep certain emotions in check. It passed by the second trimester with my first but it was horrible feeling so resentful and angry towards him when ordinarily all I would feel would be affection and of course the occasional eyerolling annoyance

Obviously you need to really look at how happy you were and make sure you are acting reasonably and from a genuine band logical place, rather than just off any hormonal imbalance. In just October you wanted to plan another child with this man, you and he definitely need to talk further and find out whether it is worth working on.

Sorry x-posted with you saying that you weren't like this pre pregnancy.

As far as practical advice I just think about what I say before I say it, if it's nasty or unnecessary, don't say it.

I warn DP that I'm feeling a bit crazy/ irrational and tell him I'm having a bad day of it. I try to explain how it feels so he has some idea and that it's not normal and I'm not trying to push him away. Communication is definitely the key.

I'm quick to apologise if I do snap/ am not feeling particularly cuddly. I make sure I focus on the kind, sweet things he does do and tell him/ thank him whenever I remember. I also do laugh at myself and let DP poke (gentle) fun too. It certainly lightens the mood and makes it easier to talk about Pregzilla!

It sounds hokey, but I also did a pregnancy relaxation class with my last. I found it really helpful come labour but also for keeping calm throughout. It was also a little bit of me time. You could look for something similar or just spend time away doing something you enjoy.

Hope that helps!

allstoppedup that sounds just like me! Thanks for your advice, I definitely think we need to improve our communication and I need to explain to him how I feel and apologise when I am having an off day. Pregnancy relaxation class also sounds like bliss!! Will have a look into that and see if I can find something locally. I think I have more of an idea of what we need to talk about tonight so fingers crossed it goes well and we both get to explain how we have been feeling.

I felt like a bit of a monster typing that as I sound like an absolute horror to DP!

I just wanted to counter all the people saying don't use hormones as an excuse- they are right in the sense that hormones are absolutely not a reason to be horrible to someone and that we are all responsible for our own behaviour, of course, but I honestly think some people have a really rough time with hormonal imbalances and they can be so, so hard. It's horrible when you know that your behaviour is just not you at all.

It's so hard for men in early pregnancy too as I think they probably have all of the worries/fears we do but they don't understand how crap all the physical exhaustion/symptoms are so tempers are frought all round!

I hope that your issues are as simple as hormones and it is something you can manage together.

I also hope you find something local that helps - My class was with natalhypnosis and was just £6 for an hour, I'm definitely doing it again this time round!

Here's a story to make you feel like you moved at a snails pace. I got pregnant to my dh 6 weeks after meeting him. When she was 6 weeks old my mil and sil came to visit and there was a bunch of roses on the table.
They were all how lovely and I said they were from bf. Oh what for asked mil. For our 1 yr anniversary I replied. They looked at me with this face that I knew meant they were doing some quick calculations.

We didn't move in together until she was 8 months old when he bought us a house. Next month is 9 years together and dd just turned 8.

Looking back I think that was crazy but hey, I'm a big girl like you I can live with my decisions.

So no advice in this post, just a story to help you feel less judged.

Did I mention I was a single mum too? Fuck me, crazy. Sometimes it looks like you picked up dried shit but it turns out to be a diamond.

Yeah I do think he has been getting stressed as well because he is a bit of a worrier and overthinks things but at the same time clueless as to what I'm going through because he really has no experience of pregnancy, he genuinely didn't expect it to affect us at all for several more months! Whereas I am obviously feeling it every day with the tiredness, cravings, being emotional, cramps, etc. as well as having to have an early scan because of spotting. (Which he made no effort to come to) so I think it's a bit of a shock to the system for us both and we need to really change gears and get our head around the fact that we are going to be parents together.

Sensational thanks for sharing your story - definitely cheered me up a bit! So glad it all worked out well for you all and it is reassuring that some people understand life doesn't always go exactly as you plan it!

I also think that your expectations were a bit too high in regards to his parenting.

Your parenting has grown with your DD. He's been chucked in at the deep end into an already established family. If he's had no experience of babies or small children then it's unreasonable to expect him to be an instant father.

He'll get better when the baby's born probably.

I didn't actually expect him to be an instant father, my DD already has a father. My point was that even before I had children I had half a clue how to act around kids, as do most people, but he was completely clueless so obviously that has been an issue. I'm sure he will improve greatly when his own baby arrives.