I want to be stronf

[wetspringtime]

Name changed.

I want to be strong. I want to be the sort of person - woman - who can cope just fine and will not put up with crap.

But I don't think I am.

I think I am wobbling about what the best thing to do is. You know how everyone insists that it's so much better when you LTB and your kids will be happier too ... Well I'm not sure it's true.

I am not happier: I'm just miserable in a different way.

My children certainly aren't happier. They are hugely restricted in what they can do and where they can go. They miss their Dad.

He wants to give things another go. But can I have him back subject to I don't know certain terms I suppose?

I just wish I knew what to do for the best.

It's like - either way I am screwed I think. But my children. What's best for them?

*strong

Sigh :)

It's exceedingly difficult ime. I think alot depends on why you split and to a certain extent how long it's been?

Sounds like you are still caught up in the muddle of separation and so are the DCs.
Lists, concrete pluses and minuses, things you couldn't do in the relationship and can do now or vice versa - these will all give you clarity.
You will grew strong by doing things that are done for you only and through creating friendships and connections that are outside the home.
Don't go back or let ex back until you work out terms and conditions for you and you only.
What age are the DCs, what contact do they have, can ex provide more financially or by giving you time?
Inner strength and outside support will get you there and both will come from small steps. If your ex/the relationship wasn't providing the latter and undermining the former then having him back won't fix things for either you or the DCs

Thanks :)

I just wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future, but I don't.

All I can try to do is what is best in the here and now?

The best thing in the here and now is probably to take some time to get your head straight, not go back to ex out of fear and confusion (trust me!) any chance you could see a councillor? I've just started and wish I'd done it ages ago!

Don't confuse being strong with either putting up with crap and being a doormat, or with staying apart because that's what people expect.

Don't know what the answer is but think about what is the best outcome you can expect and work towards that.

Have a good think about it and whether or not a relationship counsellor could help. Does he love you? Does he love the child? Can you picture a scenario where you and children and partner are happy again , doing normal family things and you saying "I'm glad I gave this another go" if at first only for the kids but ultimately for yourself and your other half.

People tend to reduce people to the worst thing they have ever done and this tends to override and completely block out the positive experiences you may have had, even when the positive times far outweigh the bad.

Despite what you will read oh so often on here, people CAN change. Your separation will give you both time to think and may teach you both a lesson on how to adapt in the future if you are to make a go of it.

I can't afford counselling. I don't have anybody to have the baby, anyway.

I want to see a future where we are together and doing normal things but I just don't know. I like to think it is possible.

'I'm just miserable in a different way'

I don't know how long it has been since you split from your ex but I think what you're struggling with is that you haven't properly got your new life going yet. What's going on with that? What are your plans? What do you do with yourself? Do you socialise? Work? Do you have interests and hobbies? Companionship?

Exes sometimes seem like the lesser of two evils if you're lonely or finding a new life difficult. Doesn't make getting back together with them a good idea.

It's so difficult to make plans. I can't do any of the things you list above because I always have the children.

I know exactly what you're saying though.

What does your other half currently think. Has he accepted the break up or does he want to make it work. And bottom line. Do you still love him?

he wants to come back.

I'll always love him but his behaviour at times can be awful.

OK so you always have the children and that's restrictive. I know, I'm a lone parent as well. But you can do it if you're motivated. Your thread was a kind of wishing well moment of 'I want to be strong'. With respect, 'strong' is not going to drop out of the sky. The people you see around you who are coping probably didn't get that way by doing nothing and just relying on hope.

Bottom line is it takes effort and time to be happily independent and carve out that nice life you want. Getting back with the ex can look like a nice easy solution by comparison .... but it's often just the lazy option.

Can you describe what the awful behaviour was?

I know what you're saying Cognito - I guess I'm just questioning really whether i'm up to it, whether I'm up to the task.

It was controlling stuff, mostly.

Why did you split in the first place?

Very controlling behaviour from him; he could be very overbearing and dominant.

How long were you subjected to controlling behaviour and how long have you been away from it? I ask because one of the main things that suffers as a result of emotional bullying or coercive control in a relationship is confidence. The very confidence you currently lack, in fact.

Also, how often is he in contact? A controlling man is unlikely to get his hooks out of you just because you're no longer officially together. If he runs true to type he'll play on your insecurities and loneliness... he'll set himself up as a reformed character.... he'll keep needling at you, making out that you were 'so good together', getting you to remember the good times, chipping away at your resolve.... Sound familiar?

Once you let your defences down and he's back with his feet under the table.... bang.... the ribbons and lollipops are gone and there you are trapped back in the Childcatcher's Wagon.

Yes, it does sound very familiar.

The split is very recent, a matter of weeks.

I'm scared of letting him back and things being worse. But I'm also scared of this being - it. If you see what I mean?

If it's only been a few weeks than you're bound to have wobbles. That's normal. Everything's different when the relationship ends. Your daily routine is totally up in the air and you are operating outside of your comfort zone. You're vulnerable to easy promises that offer to get things back to normal. I've been there, I do understand.

Is this 'it'? .... well what does 'it' mean? Independence? Freedom? The end of you and him? Are you worried you'll be on your own for ever?

Finally.... I think you need to drop contact. Someone who is overbearing and dominant will exploit every opportunity to manipulate you back into doing what he wants. Conversations, drop-offs,... any point of contact he will use to grind down your resolve.

I don't (honestly! Promise!) want to sound overly dramatic Cogito but it's pretty much a given that I will be alone - I certainly won't be looking for another relationship and on the tiny chance I was to meet somebody I wouldn't be looking to live with them.

I don't know what "it" means other than that all I do is sit in a house with children and it's easy to say "do more then" but I just feel so lost and scared.

The problem with dropping contact is I am still dependent on him to a point - financially certainly.

You can manage finances and anything else important by communicating occasionally via e-mail or text. What you have to avoid is one-on-one communication such as chatting on the phone or meeting up. E-mails are nicely distant and he'll find it far more difficult to influence you. If you are reliant on him in other ways - childcare for instance - now is the time to find other solutions.

And then 'it'. Is sitting in a house with children it? .. Yes for the present. If you feel lost and scared, do reach out for help. Friends, family, GP, Health Visitor,... MN, Samaritans, Womens Aid. It is daunting to start fresh as a lone parent but there will be things you can do for yourself, even if they are only small things. Clean a cupboard, rearrange furniture, take a walk to the park with the DCs .... anything that gives you a sense of freedom and independence is good.

I just don't feel like any of those things have a purpose or a point. Maybe some day but just now I don't.

I haven't really spoken to him but he can be surprisingly wheedling by email and text.

He sounds very controlling even now. No wonder you don't feel better, you're still in the same situation, just different location.

You left him for a reason.

not even a different location :) as he left the house.