I want to be stronf

[wetspringtime]

Name changed.

I want to be strong. I want to be the sort of person - woman - who can cope just fine and will not put up with crap.

But I don't think I am.

I think I am wobbling about what the best thing to do is. You know how everyone insists that it's so much better when you LTB and your kids will be happier too ... Well I'm not sure it's true.

I am not happier: I'm just miserable in a different way.

My children certainly aren't happier. They are hugely restricted in what they can do and where they can go. They miss their Dad.

He wants to give things another go. But can I have him back subject to I don't know certain terms I suppose?

I just wish I knew what to do for the best.

It's like - either way I am screwed I think. But my children. What's best for them?

The point of your life is that it is yours and your happiness is entirely in your hands. I'm sorry your self-esteem and self-respect are so crushed that you think you can only derive security and confidence from someone who would dominate and bully you. It's very sad.

Would you consider taking a look at the Freedom Programme or some other form of personal counselling?

I see what you mean Cogito and I think you've been really perceptive.

The hard thing is that I see no one but the children. I adore them but I have no other adults to share things with.

It's easy to SAY make friends (not that you did - I mean in general!) but harder to actually do it.

I know it's hard to make friends. Trust me, I've been there. After 15 years as a lone parent with a full-time job, I've done very little else. I couldn't meet people at playdates and playgroups because of my work, I can count my close friends on one hand and I have spent a small fortune in babysitting fees down the years just so that I can get out of the house. :)

So it's hard to get motivated and it's tough to make progress. But just because it's hard, it doesn't mean you should give up and let some bullying arsehole back in your life because he's better than nothing and is occasionally nice to talk to. That would be a total disaster.

You're obviously very down. You may be depressed and you may need some kind of medical intervention in order to lift the fog and give you a little more energy.

I'm going to keep on at you rather than let you slide back into a bad relationship.... You're better than that. :)

Thanks Cogito :) - it's so, so, so hard just now and I possibly do need some medical help.

The problem is I am pregnant and on top of that I have a baby. I have no one to help. You know when people say they have no one but they mean no one they want to ask - with me, I have NO one!

It terrifies me, keeps me awake at night. It's awful

Someone once told me that nothing that is truly good in life ever comes easily.
True happiness borne out of strength and independence is hard work.
I know this to be true because I am striving for it myself. Six months ago I kicked my ex out. Some days are good, some are not so good.
Every morning I kick myself out of bed and remind myself: I am brave, I am strong, I am independent. Even when I don't feel like I am.
Good luck. And listen to Cogito, she talks a lot of sense!

You should talk to your HV. But really talk to them honestly and fully rather than just swapping a bit of chat at appointments. Tell them about the abusive ex and the way you are feeling totally isolated. They are geared up to be looking for pre and postnatal depression, they can put you in touch with groups and some of them will really go the extra mile if they think a woman and her children are at risk.

they aren't massively helpful or sympathetic to be honest

There are HVs and there are HVs. If you don't like the one you've been allocated, there might be another that you connect better with. They're also busy people with full schedules so don't forget that you have to demand attention sometimes and shout to be heard. Can you do that? Be a bit difficult?

If you talk to your GP and make it very clear that you are horribly depressed and considering letting a bullying ex back in your home out of desperation you might find it gets them moving a bit faster.

Not sure :) I think everyone must think he's fine, and it's me.

Why must everyone think that and who is everyone anyway?

You're incredibly down on yourself, your glass seems perpetually half empty and I don't think the negativity is helping you in the slightest. Not that I think you should be grinning like a Cheshire Cat or anything but, if you don't think you deserve good things in life, the danger is you'll miss opportunities or give up before you've even had chance to get going.

What bothers me most is that I think the negativity is actually him talking... not you. When you say he was dominating and controlling, did a lot of it involve telling you that you were worthless or stupid?

Yes, after a fashion. He didn't use those words as such but I had a lot of put-downs. If I ever tried to plan anything he'd pour scorn on it or stick so many spanners in that I'd back out.

I couldn't work as he said I wasn't very good at it.

I couldn't drive as he said I didn't need a car and never went anywhere.

I couldn't go anywhere because he would say I wouldn't be able to manage this and that.

it was hard.

It sounds horrendous but then being the victim of an emotionally abusive person is horrendous. They are sinister, manipulative people who like nothing better than to crush confidence, isolate their victim and restrict their movements as a way of exerting control. A good partner is supportive. A good partner would encourage you to have ambition, ideas, a job, a driving licence and a social life.

You've done exceptionally well to get away from him but that's just the start of the story. You are strong. You now need support to keep this man well and truly away. Tell me, what was the last straw? How did it end? You mentioned 'LTB' at the outset....

I told him to leave so I guess LTB was misleading.

I was just so miserable I wanted to die, but I still feel like that.

does he acknowledge he was being controlling ? Has he made any proper steps to change ?

Yes, he has been full of apologies and saying he'll have counselling and that he is troubled and damaged.

They all say that kind of thing. Abusive men that is. The objective is always 'how do I get what I want?' and if they can't get it by intimidating you they go for the crocodile tears 'I'm so damaged and only you can save me'.... or empty promises 'I'll have therapy, I'll change'

This is why you have to cut contact. The more you listen to this rubbish, the more likely you are to start believing it.

Cognito you have really kept me going today I want you to know that

Having read the thread OP, it seems to me that he's still controlling you even from a distance. It's hard being by yourself but in the long term it holds many more possibilities of real happiness than getting back together with an abusive control freak ever will.

wet springtime, we might have spoken before. I'm not sure.

If there is any way you can get to the GP, it would be a good idea. Or the Health Visitor, as Cogito suggests.

If you have depression it is going to suck the strength out of you, as any illness does. At least tell someone how you feel. Even if you think they can't or won't do anything. Don't suffer in silence for too long.

Its early days and you'll be all over the place for a while. It does pass, promise (T-shirt)

You need him like a hole in the head - you did absolutely the right thing to chuck him out. I v v v much doubt he will change - people as bad as that simply don't change without fully engaging with serious and prolonged professional intervention.

You need to get with people who know what this is like - have you done the Freedom Programme? Can't link but Google it and cluck 'find a course' to find a group (or 2,3) near you. Not only will you meet other women in the same or similar position as you, the facilitators are very knowledgeable and supportive, give good practical advise, and can pull strings/refer you to other appropriate support. The course is free and many day courses offer free childcare in another room while you concentrate on the course.

Hold on lovely. You've done the absolute right thing. It will get easier in time xxxx

Yes, switch off his 'voice' by not reading his texts/emails - change number/Addy? - or he'll continue to get in your head like a worm xxxx

He's awful, don't go back to him you'll regret it. Perhap, after a year of weekly counseling and he has made genuine progress which after a year will be minimal you could start slowly dating him again. Until he does that you must must stay away from him. Your happiness depends on it.

The loneliness is crippling, reaching out to people online can help that and can lead to rl friendships.