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Original poster

My wife left - will she change her mind?

47 replies

Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:10

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have two teenage kids, our health, plenty of money and a generally comfortable life. In the last couple of years we seem to have drifted apart a bit. We tried marriage counselling, but 6 months ago she said she wanted to leave our marriage. Up until that point there had been no-one else involved (on either side). In the last 6 months we have been gradually separating our lives and homes etc. We remain on very good terms, still go out and spend time as a family and even sometimes just the two of us. She met someone else a few months ago and sees him a couple of times a week. She says she felt that we had no 'emotional connection'. I am finding it hard to 'get over it' and I feel tremendously let down that she wouldn't and won't try to make it work - we seem so well matched in so many ways. I have dated a bit and while it is fun and nice, I don't think I will ever find someone I want to live with.

Is this normal to feel like this? Will my wife ever change her mind?

OP posts:
thenightsky · 07/03/2015 23:14

Your wife is shagging another.

She has left already, in her mind.

Sad for you.

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:16

Nicely put. But what about when that finishes. She admits he is not going to be a long term partner for her.

OP posts:
alwayslookingforsomething · 07/03/2015 23:26

Do you think she might come back to you if it doesn't work out with her partner? She has told you that you have no emotional connection

Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:28

I hate to say it, but you said your marriage has been in decline for a couple of years. It's possible that it is too late as she has already accepted it as being over for a while.

Even if it doesn't work out with the man, it will not mean she want to come back with you.

It seems like you two have been acting like it has been over for a while.

Is it only now, that she has found someone else that you want to make it work?

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:29

I suppose I don't really understand what that means! What is an emotional connection? We laugh together, we had good sex, we know what the other one thinks. What else should there be?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 23:30

It's always rough to be the one left behind, rejected by a partner. Sorry you're having to go through this but I think it's probably time to accept that it's over and make the gradual process of separating your lives a lot less gradual. Clinging on in the vain hope that she'll change her mind will do your confidence no good whatsoever. Is the divorce underway?

It takes a lot of time to get over the end of a long term relationship so please be kind to yourself and realistic in your expectations. That also applies to dating and new relationships. You need to find some calm and feel happy in your skin before thinking about adding someone new to the picture.

thenightsky · 07/03/2015 23:30

It sounds as though she is single.

Are you both 'single'?

championnibbler · 07/03/2015 23:31

maybe she has been bored. life is short. maybe she felt she wasn't being fulfilled in her marriage.

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:31

Aussiebean, you may be right that it took someone else to appear for me to see the gravity of the situation. But are these things really irreversible?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:33

With women in general, sex doesnt lead to an emotional connection. It is the product of one. Emotional connection first. Then great sex.

Have you asked her what an emotional connection means to her personally. It is not a question I can answer on her behalf as it will be different.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 23:35

'What is an emotional connection?'

This is a situation you have to judge by actions, not words. It probably means she finds you likeable enough, but she'd rather be free to see other people rather than carrying on in a monogamous marriage. It's pretty cruel really.

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:35

She is more keen for it to be gradual than me. Better for the kids? Sometimes wonder if she is using me (I am a much better bet financially than the new bloke...), but she's not like that and is not being at all unreasonable in her demands. Yes, probably got bored and now has a bit more excitement in her life....

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/03/2015 23:36

I think you need to accept that the marriage is over, and try to get help with the grief associated with that.

Please try to accept what she is telling you. The two of you may have had totally different aims when you went to the counselling. You may have wanted to save the marriage and she may have wanted to find a way to make you accept what she was trying to tell you about leaving it.

An emotional connection comes from feeling you are heard, feeling you are being seen and feeling you are understood in your relationship. This is ironic really.

Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:37

Reversible.. Yes possible. But she needs to want to try and reverse it and you need to be open to what that would mean to your life. Because it will probably mean a lot will change

How much talking have you two done? I know you said you did counselling but when and for what purpose. It kind of seems like you have been a passive participant in he break up. Have you been fighting to save your relationship for the last couple of years? Or just gone along with it. Sorry if that is not true.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2015 23:37

Sorry, left out 'imo' from my thoughts on 'emotional connection'.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2015 23:38

How come you are speculating about what may have happened on her part?

What did she say during counselling?

Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:39

Cross post.

You say how she might have been bored. Have you thought about how you could have made it more exciting? Trip away, weekend adventures, dating?

That is what I mean about accepting the changes reversing her decision could mean.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 23:40

Really, you've got to salvage some self-respect from somewhere. Bankrolling this 'gradual' process of separation while she goes off and has lots of fun twice a week with some new bloke is the very definition of being taken for a fool. If you're finding it hard to move on it's because nothing's actually moving...

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:41

Aussiebean, we have talked more than ever in the last 6 months. But probably too late. I focused on a career to provide a good life for us, she focused on the home. But I didn't see that wasn't enough. She says it's too late, I know she's right really, but I now feel so lost and empty and as I said can't imagine what sort of person I would want to spend my life with if it isn't her.....

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:46

Sorry op. Sounds like she is not coming round.

I would advise for your own sake to start looking at separating your lives more. Having her around going off with her bf is unfair in you and delays your chance of grieving and moving on.

You can still be amicable, still go out on family days. But you need to actually start the process now. Or this will drag on and not be good for you.

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:47

Cogito. I know you are talking sense, but I hate to hear it!! I don't want to play hardball with money - not my style and it doesn't bother me that much. Plus I worry that if I am too hard, she will take off and leave the kids. In one fraught moment, she 'threatened' to leave and take not one penny and leave the kids with me. Seems like the polar opposite of what most disgruntled wives threaten....

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/03/2015 23:52

You dont have to play hardball. Just play fair.

Talk to a solicitor, tell her what you propose then tell her to see her solicitor. Offer what is the best outcome for you both. One that a court will most likely agree with.

If she does take off ( which I doubt) that is her look out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 23:54

I'm not suggesting you play hardball with money. I'm suggesting you end the charade, take legal advice, get the divorce moving, find out what would be a fair settlement and work towards that.

I don't understand why she would 'threaten' to walk out without a penny and leave the children in your care. What would a threat like that be intended to achieve?

Original poster
Honestdad · 07/03/2015 23:59

Perhaps it would enable her mentally to walk right away and not feel guilty...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 00:05

But why would it be a threat? To my mind, someone who is prepared to walk away without kids or money is usually someone who is so desperate to get out that they are happy to leave everything behind. And that's rather at odds with this idea of a gradual separation and jolly times together. Something wrong there.