My wife left - will she change her mind?

[Honestdad]

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have two teenage kids, our health, plenty of money and a generally comfortable life. In the last couple of years we seem to have drifted apart a bit. We tried marriage counselling, but 6 months ago she said she wanted to leave our marriage. Up until that point there had been no-one else involved (on either side). In the last 6 months we have been gradually separating our lives and homes etc. We remain on very good terms, still go out and spend time as a family and even sometimes just the two of us. She met someone else a few months ago and sees him a couple of times a week. She says she felt that we had no 'emotional connection'. I am finding it hard to 'get over it' and I feel tremendously let down that she wouldn't and won't try to make it work - we seem so well matched in so many ways. I have dated a bit and while it is fun and nice, I don't think I will ever find someone I want to live with.

Is this normal to feel like this? Will my wife ever change her mind?

I don't get it either. Did she threaten it when you suggested moving forward with the divorce ?

What was the " fraught moment all about?" Because it's quite a big thing to threaten to leave and you take on the children. What did you say?

Do you have the children alone with you staying over, arrange things for them, take them out without her? Or are these family days out arranged by her and you go along? Do you still feel married but without the sex?

You don't have to play hardball. What is hardball anyway? You work out what is reasonable with your lawyer and offer that as an end to the marriage, eg spousal support. The children are completely different, don't mix the two. Hardball is threatening you with extreme behaviour like leaving you to manage. You could manage, if she kept to her threat.

Of course she says she doesn't see him as a long term partner. She doesn't have to tell you anything!

I'm sorry - you sound hurt. Has she said it's totally over?

'Threatening' to leave you with the children is really odd unless she has been extremely frustrated and feeling taken for granted for many years.

Yes, probably got bored and now has a bit more excitement in her life
What have the two of you been talking about in the last six months if all you can come up with as to what she is telling you here about what happened is she 'probably got bored'?

You don't know why she wants a gradual separation, you don't know if she is thinking of the children or some other factor, you seem unable to interpret what she is saying wrt the new bloke, you report that she seems willing to walk away from everyone and everything simply because there has been drifting apart and you were work focused while she focused on home...

You say it may well be that you didn't see any of this coming despite drifting apart over the last few years, or didn't take it seriously until the new man appeared on the scene.
What sort of a listener would you call yourself, in all honesty?

You are coming across to me as someone who doesn't really see the dots here, let alone join them.
'Hardball' doesn't come into it.
That is a phrase from a script about divorce, or from a book.

What is really happening here? Why are you talking about getting her back when she has told you she is willing to walk away from her entire family and not fight with you about money or property, etc.

You have been given some excellent advice and I can't add to the wise words.
The relationship board is full of women and a few men who have split with spouses (myself included) when we didn't want to. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to describe some of the stories (not all ex's are as decent as you sound) but we are all surviving, getting on with life, laughing and some are even loving again.
Its a slow process. There is no cure for a break up.
I don't know if your wife will come back
I don't think so if I am honest. But she won't while you are doing the 'pick me' dance.
The recovery I very briefly touch upon is NEVER going to happen or even start while you are mooning around questioning the whys and wherefores. You need to speed it up now. Enough is enough. The children will be fine. Its not ideal for parents to split (save for volatile/dangerous situations) but its hardly the Waltons is it? Mum popping out to see her boyfriend twice a week? Its all kinds of fucked up. You seem amicable and reasonable. Do not stray from this.
You need to move on now. If she does decide it was a huge mistake its more likely to happen if she sees you as a strong individual who is getting on with life. So get on now. Its a big if though. Don't bank on it.

If a dad threatened to walk out on his kids, he'd get flamed here and rightly so. Anyway.

You need to split up properly, so you can move on and get a fresh perspective on your ex and your life. Whatever happens after that, happens, but you need to get out of this weird situation ASAP.

"If a dad threatened to walk out on his kids..."

The more usual 'threat' from men is that they will throw the woman out, keep the kids and make out that the woman is an unfit parent. It's a fairly normal (albeit unpleasant) situation that men exit the family home solo, leave children with women as primary carer and become the 'NRP', co-parenting from another location. They don't get flamed here for that IME. It's less common for women to make themselves the NRP.

Threats are usually designed to influence or control. What influence or control would the DW in this story achieve by threatening to walk out on the family?

I find your remarks about being a better financial bet says a lot about you.

That he's a better financial bet is significant, not necessarily indicative of a materialistic personality. Unhappy/ambivalent partners are sometimes put off ending a relationship if they think there will be too big a dent in their lifestyle.

You need to get angry with her. She is having an affair, and is using you to support her lifestyle. You need to show her it's not acceptable (I threw my xh out for doing the same).

Find a family mediation service near you and they will help you to split finances, decide who will be RP etc. it doesn't have to confrontational they will help both parties to be fair.

Don't let her carry on using you.

"Get angry with her" yes that will work.

If it was a man having affair the first advice on here is LTB

She is using him. She doesn't want the risk of a split. Op needs to show he's not going to put up with it.

But according to OP they are both dating.

Don't let this situation continue. Your wife doesn't want to stay married to you otherwise she wouldn't be seeing her boyfriend regularly. It must be incredibly hurtful for her to be sleeping with another man while still pretending to be in a 'family' with you. The marriage was over the moment she found a new man, it's just that you haven't been ready to accept this. If she genuinely wanted to save your marriage she would never have started a new relationship. Start the divorce process with a solicitor because you need to move on with your life.

It is perfectly possible to have an amicable divorce, although you may find that your wife becomes angry when you serve her with divorce papers. At the moment she's got everything going her way and she may not like having to live on less money. My DH's ex turned nasty at that point, even though she was the one who cheated on him and told him she wanted to separate!

You haven't really separated and your wife is having an affair which seems to be supported by you..of course he's not a long term partner. She doesn't want a full relationship with him. He won't want to support her financially or provide domestic support ect. That's where you come in.

she says she considers the marriage over, but currently you teo are dragging out the process. Maybe she is trying to make it easier, waiting for you to fully accept the situation. if you have, you can get a solicitor and speed up the process. She might be surprised, but presumably, she will be pleased.

Very rarely, these things turn around. Best to carry on as if they won't. A reconciliation requires her coming to some sort of revelation of exactly what she has asked for/is getting, so, let her have it.

Also, it is very unfair on you that she seems to want the best of both worlds, to play happy familiy when that pleases her, and date when that pleases her. Stop going out with her on your own. Not even to discuss the dc, that's what email is for. If a schedule has been set up with the dc, then stop doing the family outings except at the dc's request for their birthdays, or for practical purposes like open day at school. It is fantastic if you two can be agreeable as you will need to be in each others company for many milestone events, but there is no reason at all to carry on as if you are a couple with children when you are not.

There is no doubt that this is very tough on you but I think you need to accept that there is no going back and move on. She is certainly showing a lack of respect for you and your needs. If you take a stand and let her know it's not acceptable, she might realise what she is about to lose and backtrack. But I would say it is unlikely. She wants the best of both worlds and it's not fair on you.

It feels like the end of the world (I've been there I know) but you will find happiness again.

Unless you can live in a relationship with 3 people? You support her but om/she gets sex? Some people do make that sort of thing work (I can think of one famous example!) but very very few! What's in it for you and is it enough?

I'm confused, are you still living together?

Until you find out exactly why she left you have no chance of saving the marriage. You might find good information on marriagebuilders.com. I don't like the advice they give women but I think the advice to men is better. Men seem to be better equipped to woo they're spouses back.

Well they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Your wife hasn't really experienced the situation where it appears that you no longer want her. I wonder how she would react to that?
I think you should stop these cosy meetings and act tough. What harm can it do? You appear to have been very nice and accommodating towards her and that didn't bring her running back did it? So what have you got to lose by manning up? It is time to try something else.
I think you should become difficult to contact and if necessary act indifferently towards her.

Now is the time to hit the Gym and shops.
You are only young and looking attractive will boost your rock bottom self esteem. You say you have the money, so spend it on yourself.
Moping over another woman isn't a quality I ever found attractive in a man, so maybe it is no wonder that your dating hasn't been very successful so far. You haven't anywhere near detached yourself from your wife, as yet.

ZOMBIE REANIMATED BY A FUCKWIT SPAMMER!!!!!!!!