Put up and shut up?

[Blueballs]

Right this is going to be long so I apologise now, I just need to get it all out.

I have been with dh for 17years. I have never had another relationship. We have 3dc -youngest is nearly 9.

For the last 8 years things have been shit. We do nothing together unless it was his works do. I have tried to organise babysitters so we could go for a meal etc but he just says no. We have had sex about once every 2 months. This is his doing, for the first few years I tried and tried but there is only so many times I can be knocked back. I have suffered with depression and seem to be coming out the other side now and I think this has made me realise I could maybe do this without him.

I realised this week he never makes conversation with me. He comes in and I say hi, how was your day etc which he answers me but that's it. Unless I speak to him he doesn't speak to me.

Tonight was a bit of a turning point. We went to tesco and I had forgot something in an aisle I had already been up, I asked him if he could go back and get it for me, he looked me ine eye and just said no. I know it sounds pathetic but it made me realise he never does anything / goes out of his way for me.

It's not always been like this and I have asked him to see a Dr about the sex and even go to councilling with me but he said no everything's fine and it's all in my head.

The Children idolise hi but he swears a lot in front of them and he has ignored me when I have asked him to stop and he lets them stay up, watch films that I think are too old. - I always come across as the moaning mum whilst he is the fun one.

My mum called me tonight and asked how I was I said I wasn't happy and I was thinking of leaving and she was horrified. She said I need to shut up and put up until the children have left home or I would damage them forever. This upset me even more.

Would I be an evil mum to leave him? I have no money I work in childcare so am on a very low wage - he owns the house - we bought it whilst married but it's only his name on the deeds and mortgage. He wouldn't leave I know he wouldn't.

Should I try harder?

Thank you for reading

She said I need to shut up and put up until the children have left home or I would damage them forever.

Absolute bollocks. My parents split up when I was 4. I am not scarred by it. I remember the tense atmosphere in the house when they were together and arguing constantly I remember being relieved when they split up.

You have one life OP. You can't live it for your mum.

Your DH sounds miserable.

Do you feel loved?

Hi Blue. Well done for putting your feelings into words, it is a big step. From what you have said your marriage is in trouble. Unfortunately your Mum's generation were 'trained' o put up & shut up. In my opinion your DC will be much happier with two happy separated parents. It also sounds like your DH is unhappy so it may be he is hoping you will make the first move.

With regards to the house, as you are married it doesn't matter that your name is not on the deeds or mortgage. You are still entitled to live there as you have dependants.

I would recommend that you talk with a solicitor to find out your rights.

I'm sorry it has come to this

Hand on heart Koala no I don't feel loved. He does tell me he does but I think he says it out of habit more than anything - before work etc.

I have felt for years that he loves the thought of a family more than the reality of it. He has a good job and I think he likes the fact at his age (45) he has a wife, 3 kids, dog and house if you know what I mean?

Of course you wouldnt be. Get out of there and start having a life.

Balders is have asked him before about seperation and he has begged me to give it another go and that he would change etc. I just asked him if he was happy and he said this is the happiest he has felt for years .

Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not happy? Do I expect too much? Is this how all marriages work?

Hand on heart Koala no I don't feel loved.

Personally, that would be the deal breaker for me.

I know what you mean, he likes that he is living the 'ideal' front cover of a magazine lifestyle but he loves the idea of the lifestyle more than he actually loves you? Is that right?

Do you love him?

One of my turning points was reaching 41 & thinking that if I stayed where I was I would never have toe curling sex again. I have never considered myself a particularly sexual person but that coupled with MANY other things made me realise I needed to live for myself & make a better life for my DC.

koala that's exactly right with the ideal lifestyle description.

I do love him I really do but it's slowly turning to hate and that scares the life out of me. Sometimes I feel I love him like I love my brothers - as there is nothing in the relationship husband and wife anymore.

I am so scared I have never known anything else.

Balders how old were your dc? How did they cope? Did they blame you? I'm scared they will hate me

My DC are 14 (DD) & 9 (DS) & they have been fine. They were a bit upset when first but soon realised that it will be much better without him. My STBXH is a verbal bully, he has made our lives difficult for many years & after another shit Christmas I'd had enough & told him it was over. He then told me he'd had an epiphany & realised he needed to change. He managed to be Disney Dad for about 4 weeks but has slipped back to being an arsehole now and I know I made the right decision.

He has not moved out yet, although it looks like he may be going next week. So it may hit the DC after he has actually gone but the atmosphere so so much better when he is not here.

It took me a long time to get my head around what I needed to do. I had thought I would wait another 10 years until my ds had left home but finally realised that I wanted a better life for them & for them to grow up as well rounded people capable of healthy relationships.

Keep posting Blueballs (love the name )

Love isn't something to say, it's something you show.

What do you love about him?

Tbh I think if all hope is gone of things improving you're better splitting.

You get one life and parent model to their kids what an acceptable marriage is.

Your mum is so, so wrong.

The arrogance of his offhand reply in the supermarket tells you exactly how much he really loves you. He simply can't be arsed. It's all on autopilot, isn't it?

And you wouldn't be left penniless. Even if you've not contributed to the household financially, you have done so in kind, by not having much of a career, which has enabled your DH to have his career, while the kids are taken care of. A good solicitor would make sure that living arrangements for the kids are not less comfortable than they are now. You would also be entitled to benefits, tax credits etc and possibly housing benefit if you end up renting somewhere, in the long term.

Might be worth trying some counselling before you make a final decision one way or the other. If he said before he's willing to change then it might work, and at least you can tell him how you feel with someone there to facilitate. Or you may find that you realise it's definitely through. At least you will be sure then though.

All I'd say to you is that, whatever you decide, please know that it's a horribly sad way to grow up being a child held hostage in an unhappy marriage.

Here's the thing, too: the children don't 'idolise' him.

They will see the atmosphere.

They will see his attitude towards you.

They won't want that to be turned on them, so they will dance and smile to keep him happy.

This is a lot more damaging than a split, believe me.

I have felt for years that he loves the thought of a family more than the reality of it. He has a good job and I think he likes the fact at his age (45) he has a wife, 3 kids, dog and house if you know what I mean?

Yup. Do you think that's ok? I don't. He's using you, basically. Why should he get to do that - why should you have a life you don't enjoy just to shore up his idea of the life he reckons he deserves? Too right he begged you to stay and gave out the usual lies about changing - he won't change, though - he likes it as it is. Selfish. Of course you're growing to hate him - it's a hateful way to be.

Blueballs,

Not surprised you do not feel loved at all because you are not.

No your children do not idolise him at all, they are likely to be just as much in fear of him as you are. They also see all too clearly how terribly he acts towards you and your reactions both spoken and unspoken to same. Look at what you are both teaching them about relationships here, damaging lessons. You are currently showing them this is acceptable to you.

I would also think he is the root cause of your depressive state and when you do no longer have to live with him day to day, that will lift.

And your mum is so wrong on so many levels; that is the sort of societal attitude that keeps women and men in crap and unhappy marriages long after they should have separated. Actually staying within a marriage that has been in your words "shit for the last 8 years" is far more damaging to them in the long run than leaving now and making a new life for yourselves. They also won't say "thanks mum" for staying; they will leave home asap and not visit because its so miserable. They would wonder instead why you put him before them and so your own relationship thus with them going forward could become damaged too.

I think your H just wanted and wants someone to look after him. You are but to him someone to serve his needs and that is why he professed what he did. He is all take and no give.

I can't believe he wouldn't even get that item for you in the supermarket.

Sorry but he's a c*nt for doing that. I'd've curled my lip at him in utter contempt for being such a mean spirited a- hole.

You need to be frank with him. Not apologetic.

I would pointedly day to him that you find it boring having one way conversations. That you want more sex. That you want more help from him. And that you want overall more effort.

He's hurt you slowly and deeply over the years. I don't think he could hurt you much more than he has done already. So you've nothing to lose by spelling it out to him.

I'm sorry for you to be living with such a man.

I put up with EA because my mum indoctrinated me with out up/shut up. Only in the past year have I realised it was taught to me because she was desperate to leave my dad and her own mother wouldn't allow it.

OP, I now know my kids will be happier in the long run. I'm about to tell them we're divorcing and it will be the hardest thing ever, but they need to see what normal is and isn't.

Do you know what I miss the most? Someone saying, oh wow, look what's on TV tonight, fancy watching it? and sitting on the sofa with an arm round my shoulder. Ring any bells?

Your children will be better off seeing that this isn't how you treat people.

As another poster said, life is short. Please leave him and make a happy life for yourself.

Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not happy? Do I expect too much? Is this how all marriages work?

From what you have said I don't think you are expecting too much at all. You should be working collectively as a team. I too would be horrified if I asked my husband to pick something up and he turned around and said no. It's rude and immature - no need for it!

Is it worth sitting down and having a serious talk with him i.e. things need to change otherwise I'm leaving?

My mum and dad separated when I was 10. They argued a lot and my dad pretty much took my mum for granted. I'm not going to lie I did find it very difficult and couldn't understand why they couldn't be together, however, I also think if they stayed together I would have found that very difficult too.

No matter what way you chose to go it is not going to be easy - do what is right for you and your children in the long term.

have asked him before about seperation and he has begged me to give it another go and that he would change etc.

How long ago was that? Did anything change (temporarily or permanently)?

Honestly I'm not seeing anything positive that you're getting out of this relationship. It sounds a very lonely way to live. I think the only way I could stay in a marriage like this was if I had a separate social life outside of the marriage to fulfill my emotional needs. And a super rechargeable battery for my rabbit and a subscription to woman-made porn site

I could have written this too

My dc1 is about to start his gcse so I don't want to rock the boat too much it I'm finding it hard to stay positive.

I don't know where to begin with ltb

I can't say anything to him until my sons exams are over so that gives me a bit of time to organise things

Anyone know where to start?

This forum is FULL of wives whose husbands have no idea what women need and want. Lots don't even seem to realise their wives are human.

OP you are not wrong to want what you want. I'd leave my husband if staying with him meant I had to give up toe curling sex. Especially one who can't even walk up an aisle to pick up something you BOTH forgot.

I could have written this - but about my wife.

I feel utterly taken for granted. Do 99%. She has an excuse for everything.

OP mentioned supermarket - I wrote a shop list over a week ago of essentials and put it on fridge. She had a holiday on Fri and I asked if she could pick up one bag full from list. She sat on computer and watched tv from 8am to 6pm.

I dropped both kids off at separate school and nursery, and picked both up despite being stuck in traffic at night. I also did the shopping in my lunch hour, as had hunch she would not lift a finger.

By the way ,- you can see supermarket from our house. She is that lazy.

Thank you everyone for their replies I feel a lot calmer today. for those going through the same.

Dh and I had a few hours To ourselves yesterday as the children were all out doing separate things. I told him exactly how I felt and that I was going to leave. He was mortified and upset that it had got to this. He said he knew things were a bit crap but no this bad. We talked about how both of us were feeling and we have both got to the point of taking each other for granted. I told him I didn't feel loved and he was gutted. He told me 'I tell you all the time' but I explained I needed to see it not just hear it.

I asked him for a trial seperation, he refused and we have come to the compromise that if things haven't changed by 1st of June then that's it. I need to put more effort in as well and I need to stop nagging. He has things he needs to work on and he has promised me he will go to the Drs about his sex drive.

Last night we actually chatted about random crap whilst he was ironing and I was doing the lunch boxes, it was a great feeling.

I feel positive today. I know that there is a long way to go but I suppose this will prove whether he wants it or not.