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Original poster

Trivial but...have I messed up again?

51 replies

anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 19:53

Hi, just after a bit of advice please.

Last year I was seeing this guy, briefly. We never got past the 'seeing each other' stage and he ended things when I got a bit needy and started "mithering him". I did text a bit too much towards the end, as he had become really flaky/busy with work (not sure which!) and at one point totally crossed the line by storming into the shop he owns (he was alone at the time) and telling him in no uncertain terms what an idiot he was being :/

Anyway he told me then that he might consider talking to me again, but only if I left him alone for a "few weeks" first.
I got on with things and this week was 8 weeks since that last contact.
A few days ago I had an urge to contact him so I rang, he didn't answer but texted asking what was up. I phoned him back and he answered this time, we had a bit of a chat where he asked how I was etc.
Then he asked whether I had phoned because I wanted to see him. And he told me that if I had, to just ask. I said I didn't fancy a no and he said "you might be surprised, I might just agree".
anyway the conversation ended soon after that without anymore talk of a meeting, so I sent him a text saying that I would like to meet up soonish if possible. He said he would let me know and asked when I was thinking of meeting, I suggested that he come up with a time and day as he has a funny schedule and told him to let me know.

Now this is where I messed up....

The next day I phoned him by mistake, sent a text explaining I didn't mean to phone, then thirty mins later texted him again asking if I could phone him after all. He didn't reply.

I then phoned him this morning (the texts yesterday were sent about 6pm) at 10.30am but he didn't answer so I texted asking if he might be free to meet me tonight, or if not tonight then I'm free next week (I gave a choice of two evenings and one daytime). Then asked him to let me know either way about tonight.

He hasn't replied to any of those contacts.

I'm just wondering how badly I've screwed up?
do you think he's now thinking I'm still this needy, desperate cow and wont ever reply?

I'm trying to manage this texting stuff by the way. I realise I text too much sometimes but I have anxiety which I'm currently being treated for so I'm better than I was when he first met me.

I was thinking of leaving it be for now and if he hasn't got in touch in a couple of weeks, maybe send one more text asking if he is still up for a meeting and if he doesn't reply to that, then I wont bother contacting him again.

What do you think, have I blown it or might there be a chance he will reply at some point? The last 'option' I gave for a meet up was Thursday next week so maybe that's why he hasn't replied yet...?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 19:56

You are not compatible at all.

Move on. I can guarantee this will not work.

countessmarkyabitch · 07/03/2015 19:56

Honestly? I don't think he is going to get back to you, and I really don't think you should contact him again.
In the nicest possible way, you don't seem like you're in the right place to be pursuing a relationship right now, and definitely not with this man in particular.

aurynne · 07/03/2015 19:59

If you are looking for an honest answer, you do sound needy and desperate. I would stop seeing anyone who kept texting me and phoning me the way you do.

If I were you I would cut all contact with him, leave him alone, and work in your own self-confidence, which seems to be the problem here.

DontKillMyVibe · 07/03/2015 20:03

Sorry, but if he wanted to see you he would. He's playing games with you, messing with your head and isn't interested. For the sake of your own sanity and dignity, I wouldn't contact him again and delete his number to make sure you can't.

Flowers
sadwidow28 · 07/03/2015 20:04

You need to become comfortable with yourself before you can explore a relationship with anyone else.

From your OP, it looks like you are quite 'needy' which isn't a safe space to be in.

Do you have RL friends and opportunities to meet up socially?

Please try to build your own self-esteem and self-worth before you even try to pursue a relationship with someone else. You could make some very wrong choices if you are not in the right space.

Good luck and best wishes.

pictish · 07/03/2015 20:05

Don't contact him again. You have made yourself clear, and the fact is, if he wanted to see you, he would. The invitation is there.
No more calling and texting. Ever. x

Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:07

Thanks, well I'm not sure I want a relationship as such, I am working on my self confidence...and anxiety.

Its just annoying that he responded more positively than I thought he would, then I sent 4 texts which went unreplied to - although I did send four texts, its not like it was four texts in one day, as long as I calm it now will he really hold that against me do you think?

By the way I'm not pinning all my hopes on him contacting me, if he doesn't then its a shame but I will carry on with my life, I'm not sitting around waiting for him to get in touch or anything :)

Would there really be any harm in giving him one last text in a couple of weeks though if he hasn't replied by then?

OP posts:
DontKillMyVibe · 07/03/2015 20:09

Why would you want to send him another text in a few weeks time when you have already sent 4 texts that he hasn't responded to?

That's bordering on unwanted behaviour. If he wants to get in contact with you he will do so.

Please don't torture yourself over this man anymore OP.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 20:09

Yes. You are coming across as desperate.

If someone didn't stop texting me after four texts went unreplied, I'd be getting ready to call the police...

What is it about him that makes you act in this way?

BolshierAyraStark · 07/03/2015 20:10

Delete his number & don't contact him again, he has made himself very clear previously but you have again gone ott with the contact. You do come across as very needy-not a quality that everyone looks for in a partner...

pictish · 07/03/2015 20:10

Contact him in a couple of weeks for what? I don't understand. To be fobbed off again?

Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:13

Sorry just to reply to those I crossed posted with, yes I do have friends and a social life, I work for a charity which is stimulating and keeps me busy, also take dance and guitar lessons and a part time degree course so plenty of chances to mix with lots of different people.

I actually think that if he has been 'put off' by a few texts spaced 12+ hours apart yesterday and today then he cant have been that interested anyway.

But I don't see the harm in going quiet for a couple of weeks then texting, see what his reaction is? Then if he doesn't reply that time I will know its genuine disinterest and not a knee jerk reaction to me texting a bit too much. Does that make sense at all?

OP posts:
fairgame · 07/03/2015 20:14

It really sounds like he isn't interested sorry.

I always live by the 3 contacts rule. If they ignore 3 (maximum) in a row of your attempts to contact them then move on.

I don't see the point of contacting him in a few weeks.

DontKillMyVibe · 07/03/2015 20:15

His disinterest sounds genuine at the moment to me. Sending him another text in a few weeks will make you seem like a pest who can't take a hint.

Please try and preserve your dignity.

Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:18

The reason I wanted to contact him again in a couple of weeks (maybe, not saying I definitely will) is because he has said before that with friends and stuff - like, really good mates he's known for ages - he wont always reply to texts. He said the other night he had 40 voicemail messages he hasn't listened to and has also said previously that he doesn't answer his phone all the time, his friends cant always get hold of him, he also said just the other night that he is the type to see a friend, have a laugh then leave and not see them again for 6 months or more.

He's always given that impression; that you don't always hear from him.

Then again, maybe that was a lie, I don't know.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2015 20:19

Why are you chasing him?

ClashCityRocker · 07/03/2015 20:19

I think you need to get yourself into a better headspace before trying to find a relationship. It sounds like you're doing some work on this already, however I think things like this could jeopardise any progress you're making.

The texting and calling is way too excessive - given that he hasn't responded to four texts, I think that's a pretty clear indication that he has no interest in pursuing things. The repeated texts are bordering on innapropriate. I would leave it.

pictish · 07/03/2015 20:20

It is genuine disinterest now. Sorry OP, I am trying very hard not to be blunt with you, but you're making it hard.

Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:22

Oh, in my defence (well not really!) only two texts that required a reply have gone unreplied to, the other one was just a statement that I hadn't meant to call him

But I guess you're right, the fact I asked him over tonight and he hasn't replied is a big clue of his disinterest. Confused as to why on the phone, he told me to ask him to meet him as he might agree... But hey. I guess you're all right :(

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 07/03/2015 20:22

In all honesty, you've already made up your mind that you're going to text him again so I'm not even going to try and advise you against that.

But you're coming across as extremely desperate and desperation stands out and absolute mile to a man. To less decent men, it's an opportunity to exploit some poor woman - get a few weeks shagging then cut her off and tell everyone what a bunny boiler she is.

I don't know about this bloke but it does seem as if he's giving you false hope. He's clearly not interested and should say so. You are going to end up seriously embarrassing yourself if you keep harassing him like this.

BolshierAyraStark · 07/03/2015 20:24

The most telling for me is that you did the initial contact by phone-which he ignored you then text him-which he again ignored. You had to ring him again to get a response, he really isnt interested.

ClashCityRocker · 07/03/2015 20:27

Well, doesn't that set the alarm bells ringing?

'If you ask, I MIGHT agree?' He obviously knows you're still interested, he just doesn't particularly care. He wasn't giving you a yes or a no, just stringing you along, possibly.

Penguinsaresmall · 07/03/2015 20:28

op yes he may be the type who doesn't respond to texts from friends, but if he is interested enough, he won't need to be reminded that you're there -you'll be on his mind and he'll contact you because of that.

He's just not that bothered. For whatever reason. Somebody else will be, so forget him and move on.

tigermoll · 07/03/2015 20:28

Please, please, for the sake of your own dignity should you ever bump into this man again, just leave it! You ask 'what would be the harm?' The harm is that you risk making him uncomfortable, making yourself ridiculous, and further eroding your self esteem. He can now be in no doubt that you want to see him. For the love of God, woman, step back.

NickiFury · 07/03/2015 20:30

Christ on a bike! Just STOP! You probably caught him at a bored moment when he responded to you after the 8 week break.

He's not interested now and he's not going to be interested in a few weeks. Accept that and move on.