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Original poster

Trivial but...have I messed up again?

51 replies

anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 19:53

Hi, just after a bit of advice please.

Last year I was seeing this guy, briefly. We never got past the 'seeing each other' stage and he ended things when I got a bit needy and started "mithering him". I did text a bit too much towards the end, as he had become really flaky/busy with work (not sure which!) and at one point totally crossed the line by storming into the shop he owns (he was alone at the time) and telling him in no uncertain terms what an idiot he was being :/

Anyway he told me then that he might consider talking to me again, but only if I left him alone for a "few weeks" first.
I got on with things and this week was 8 weeks since that last contact.
A few days ago I had an urge to contact him so I rang, he didn't answer but texted asking what was up. I phoned him back and he answered this time, we had a bit of a chat where he asked how I was etc.
Then he asked whether I had phoned because I wanted to see him. And he told me that if I had, to just ask. I said I didn't fancy a no and he said "you might be surprised, I might just agree".
anyway the conversation ended soon after that without anymore talk of a meeting, so I sent him a text saying that I would like to meet up soonish if possible. He said he would let me know and asked when I was thinking of meeting, I suggested that he come up with a time and day as he has a funny schedule and told him to let me know.

Now this is where I messed up....

The next day I phoned him by mistake, sent a text explaining I didn't mean to phone, then thirty mins later texted him again asking if I could phone him after all. He didn't reply.

I then phoned him this morning (the texts yesterday were sent about 6pm) at 10.30am but he didn't answer so I texted asking if he might be free to meet me tonight, or if not tonight then I'm free next week (I gave a choice of two evenings and one daytime). Then asked him to let me know either way about tonight.

He hasn't replied to any of those contacts.

I'm just wondering how badly I've screwed up?
do you think he's now thinking I'm still this needy, desperate cow and wont ever reply?

I'm trying to manage this texting stuff by the way. I realise I text too much sometimes but I have anxiety which I'm currently being treated for so I'm better than I was when he first met me.

I was thinking of leaving it be for now and if he hasn't got in touch in a couple of weeks, maybe send one more text asking if he is still up for a meeting and if he doesn't reply to that, then I wont bother contacting him again.

What do you think, have I blown it or might there be a chance he will reply at some point? The last 'option' I gave for a meet up was Thursday next week so maybe that's why he hasn't replied yet...?

OP posts:
Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:35

Ok, thanks.

It was just that when I phoned him and it went to voicemail, he messaged me half an hour later asking why I had phoned..hes never done that, ever. Whenever I had called in the past, he never followed up on it if he had missed my call. Just waited for him to contact him again.

Plus the fact he said he had been out with a friend and was sitting outside a shop in his car waiting to go in, but still had a thirty min conversation with me with him asking lots of questions and seeming interested, I guess I thought that showed interest that's all.

But you're right, probably a one off.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/03/2015 20:42

I really think you're over analysing everything. How about just putting it down to "he was at a bit of a loose end when I called and that's why we spoke plus he made a half hearted attempt at lining up a shag then decided he didn't want to follow that up". It's that simple.

I'm also Shock that you stormed into his work place to have it out with him when you'd only been seeing him casually for a short while.

You can't make someone be interested just because you are. The chemistry is not there for him, if it was you wouldn't be having these problems.

DontKillMyVibe · 07/03/2015 20:46

OP, you said you were seeing this guy briefly last year. How long for & how many dates did you have?

Original poster
anxietysucks · 07/03/2015 20:53

It wasn't long, a few weeks. But we did see each other every evening for that time.

To be honest, after the phonecall on Thursday I thought he wanted to meet as friends. Wasn't expecting it to lead to anything else really... The texts I sent were what was in my head at the time and they were spaced out... 5.30pm one day and then 10am the next isn't too excessive surely?

But hey. Whatever, wont bother him again.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 07/03/2015 20:55

I really don't want to hurt your feelings, although to be honest, you arent actually listening to anyone and will do what you want... But you're embarrassing yourself. I think you need to work on your self esteem. He very clearly isn't interested, irrespective of what shreds you try to cling to. If your life is as full as you say , why do you need to wait around for some glimmer of attention from him?

PeppermintCrayon · 07/03/2015 20:58

Sorry but you sound quite obsessive and needy. You need to work on your own self-esteem.

PeppermintCrayon · 07/03/2015 20:59

And yes it is excessive to send four texts in a row.

pdxs · 07/03/2015 21:00

I think some of these replies are a little harshly worded... but, if a man wants to contact you he will do it in his own, and so he is not interested (and perhaps a bit rude for keeping you hanging really)

Could you not speak more to your own friends, especially if you have the urge to call him? And let me do at least 50% of the chasing, preferably more...

kittym2009 · 07/03/2015 21:00

Have you ever heard that phrase "He's just not that into you?" Honestly, when I used to be dating and a guy was being evasive I used to just apply this phrase. You can justify his actions, try and read between the lines, try to second guess what he's thinking but ultimately, if he wanted to see you, he just would. Its no more complicated than that I'm afraid. And don't be too hard on yourself - we've all had unrequited relationships I'm sure and its sometimes hard to take. Just delete his number and move on.

flatbellyfella · 07/03/2015 21:04

Please keep your dignity in tact, do not text again. If he has any feelings for you, he would have responded by now. Was this an on line dating friendship.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 07/03/2015 21:11

Last time you were dating you were so needy and obsessive he had to ask you to back off. To endure he got you off his back, he said he might see you in a couple of weeks, if you gave him space.

two months later you are back, and he says he might meet with you if you ask. Then BAM!!! Barrage of texts from you, proving you have not changed.

Of course he is now concerned that your harassment will commence.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 21:18

Frankly, although you do sound needy he sounds awful. He's clearly playing on your neediness - these comments are extremely arrogant:

he told me then that he might consider talking to me again, but only if I left him alone for a "few weeks" first.

Then he asked whether I had phoned because I wanted to see him. And he told me that if I had, to just ask. I said I didn't fancy a no and he said "you might be surprised, I might just agree".

Like he's some bloody prize you might be lucky enough to win! Jesus, what a prick. So you have to go away and leave him alone and only if you pass that test might he grace you with his presence again. Then when you do phone, instead of just asking you to meet, he dangles himself in front of you to make you beg for his attention. Sheesh.

Do yourself a massive favour, delete his number, block him on FB and forget about him. You need a major dose of self-esteem before you start dating again, so you are better able to filter out the losers who aren't worth your time.

WastingMyYoungYears · 07/03/2015 21:25

What trib said. What a monumental fuckwit he is.

cleanmyhouse · 07/03/2015 22:37

I get it. With anxiety, the one thing you can't handle more than anything is uncertainty. It sends your head spinning out of control and you push it to it's conclusion rather than let it happen in it's own time. At least thats what I did.

He is giving you 101 signals that he is not interested, but you need him to come out and say it? Why? So you can feel horribly rejected and even worse about yourself. No matter how much you over analyze this, the outcome is not going to change at his end. The only outcome you can control is how you come out of it. Dig deep, find some self control and some dignity and stay well away. He does sound like an arsehole right enough.

I'd recommend hypnotherapy for anxiety. It changed my life.

Also, sorry you're driving yourself mad over this, I genuinely know how it feels. You're not a mad bunny boiler, you're been driven by anxiety. It's a horrible place to be.

LuluJakey1 · 07/03/2015 22:44

He is an unintelligent man.

However, you are behaving in a needy way and losing your dignity and self- respect.

Do not ever contact him again and if he contacts you do not respond. He is playing a game and you will not cope with it.

Twinklestein · 07/03/2015 23:36

I wonder if this is just is just about anxiety. It sounds like you struggle to read social signals accurately and have poor boundaries about behaviour - storming into his shop for example. Could this be contributing to your anxiety? I wonder if you've had bad experiences in the past that feed the current stress and confusion.

Twinklestein · 07/03/2015 23:38

Another aspect is just a basic worldly wisdom that would rule out someone who says they may contact you in a while providing you leave them alone first. He should have been binned at that point if not before.

ShonaOCasey · 07/03/2015 23:45

I don't like the sound of he 'might consider seeing you again' and he 'might just agree'... sounds like he is just not that into you and hard though it may be you should stop contacting him and try to move on

GallicIsCharlie · 08/03/2015 00:03

To be clear: I agree with everyone else, sweetheart. You're too invested in having a relationship (which it isn't!) and far too persistent.

I'm going to pick up on what you said about his not answering calls, being a love-em-and-leave-em friend, and so on. His behaviours aren't healthy, either. He's either very flaky & messed up, or a dangerous control freak.

I'm like this, with the arm's length friendships and intermittent conversation fear. It's why I'm on here so much - I can control how much I interact! I have ishoos that aren't yet sorted to my satisfaction, and am avoiding sexual relationships like the plague. I'd find it too tiring to maintain a 'normal' relationship and, in truth, would be more likely to attract another nutcase than a sane, decent man.

While I think you yourself aren't in the best place to be dating just now, I also think this particular man's an extremely bad choice - for anyone, not only you.

Chill out, keep working on your stuff, and enjoy your general activities :)

CupidStuntSurvivor · 08/03/2015 00:28

OP, please delete his number. For yourself, not for him. Anxiety does horrible things to your rationale and helps you justify inappropriate behaviour. He was willing to open up the lines of communication after you proved you could back off and give him a break, but you then started with the texts and calls again. It seems that for you, it's all or nothing. 'All' in this case being you in full blown anxiety driven state of need. You need to address the anxiety and your emotional dependency before you can pursue a healthy relationship.

lavenderhoney · 08/03/2015 00:50

You have a full and busy life but do you have friends to see, who come over and are kind and fun? An emotional fullness, Iyswim?

And it won't work out with this man, if he wanted to see you he would. And you wouldn't have to worry because he'd be calling and texting you.

NeedABumChange · 08/03/2015 01:08

Four texts and two missed calls in less than 24 hours is very excessive when you consider the circumstances, that you had only just had tentative first contact after him ending things because of your excessive contact. And maybe the fact that he hadn't responded!?

OP if someone doesn't reply to one text, then leave it. Don't call or text again about the same thing. Just leave it. It creepy to be hassled by someone.

PintofCiderPlease · 08/03/2015 01:20

8 weeks of no contact? He was probably just making sure there wasn't anything wrong when he called you back. Could it be he was just making sure you weren't pregnant and being nice enough to get you to tell him if you were?

Even if that's not the case, someone with anxiety who texts often is a BAD match to someone who has admitted they don't respond to texts etc.

The MN rule of 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them' applies here.

Squeegle · 08/03/2015 01:29

Dear OP
In answer to your original question
No.
It's not about you messing up.
But.... We're not always compatible with those we'd like to be compatible with.
In these situations it's better to preserve our dignity and stop harassing someone when they're obviously not that bothered. You deserve more than someone who might go out with you if you ask at the right time.
Agree with those who say it's time for for to work on valuing yourself.
Honestly, you are worth much more.
Good luck.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/03/2015 18:43

Please don't text him again in a few weeks. If he was interested you would know.