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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like i am ruining my life

26 replies

lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 12:26

Hi,

I have been out of an abusive relationship for nearly 2 years and divorced just under a year ago. I lived in a refuge and then as a lodger but recently have found a houseshare in a really nice place and i have a job and i even study PT.

Thing is my life still feels like is in chaos. I am up and down all the time. I can rage at my friends (& my teacher!) I feel so angry. I am doing things that i shouldn't. Self destructive things. I put myself in danger by being out of it with strange men. I overshare! I tell people the worst things about me and I don't let anyone get to know me. I guess in a lot of ways my life has been more successful since leaving. I got a degree and a job--all new things to me. but i feel like is all held by a fine thread. I am scared and lonely and I feel like i hate everyone.

My ex was physically and sexually abusive. and i was sexually abused as a child.
went from childhoodcare systemmarriage--Now.

How do i find happiness and peace?
Why do I want to destroy everything I built?

thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 12:59

I'm sorry you're so traumatised and so unhappy. You've done exceptionally well to exit the abusive relationship, start studying, find a nice place to live and make the amazing progress you have but you're clearly struggling psychologically as a result of the abuse you've suffered. I think you need some urgent treatment in order to help you find the happiness and peace you seek. Survivors of any traumatic experience - and it's no reflection on their strength as a person - can suffer in all kinds of ways for long after the event. Feelings of isolation, insecurity, inadequacy, and the suspicion that it's all fake and about to be snatched away - even feelings of hatred towards themselves - would be normal

Have you spoken to anyone? GP? Therapist? Rape Crisis?

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:13

Hello.

Yes I am on the waiting list w rape crisis centre for counselling but is at least a year. Also my doctor does say that I need help and I got referred but at least a year to see psychiatrist at hospital. There is a group therapy for sexual abuse starting soon but I am scared of talking in a group.

I feel like everyone wants to hurt me.
Also I really want men to be sexually attracted to me and I come on strong but then when they react I feel sick and I hate them.

I am doing uppers and downers and sometimes I lose days.

Am scared. Am supposed to be on antidepressants but I dont take them. Because I should be better by now.also I don't know if they work

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 13:17

Please go back to your doctor. Waiting lists exist but you are clearly an acute case and I'd hope they treat you as an emergency. Talk honestly to them about taking uppers and downers because, if you've been prescribed conventional medication, there could be implications. Anti-depressants have no effect if you don't take them and the non-prescription crap you're taking could be doing serious damage.

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:24

Ok. I will call doc on Monday. I have been avoiding her. She will want me to come in. I thought that like everything would stop when I went away but it seems more everywhere because everything is so quiet. If that makes any sense!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 13:28

Sorry, I don't understand. Do you mean you've moved somewhere new and it's quiet?

claravine · 07/03/2015 13:28

I agree with cogito. You have had a hell of a time, and its a sad state of affairs that you are having to wait so long for professional help. The uppers and downers won't be helping you any either

claravine · 07/03/2015 13:30

I think op means that now she is settled away from her ex she ends up spending more time dwelling on bad memories etc

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:31

Yes. I mean that I think about it more, when he hurt me- even though its not happening anymore because my new place is peaceful and no one shouts and they cook food and go to work and all normal things. I feel like I don't belong here with normal people!

OP posts:
claravine · 07/03/2015 13:31

And prescribed pharmaceutical grade ads are not going to be worse for you health wise than uppers and downers!

claravine · 07/03/2015 13:34

Maybe a hobby or voluntary work might help a bit with feeling a bit more connected to the community rather than isolated.because of your experiences and with breaking out of the habit of putting yourself in risky situations

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:34

Thanks for talking to me. I secretly read Mumsnet. And i even did the online freedom class. I don't have any babies. You guys are smart! And kind. I am quite dumb. :)

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 13:35

There's no 'should' about how you feel - you have survived and escaped a hell of a lot of abuse and managed to make a new life for yourself. That took a lot of strength and deserved credit.

You are now in a place in which you can start looking at what damage has been done to you and how to start healing.
Try and keep yourself safe - you are recognising some of the things you are doing that are dangerous, and that is a first step.

IMO you need some expert and probably medium- to long-term therapy, ideally for survivors of sexual (childhood) abuse.
Please see your GP again - be as honest there as you have been here.

How you feel will not just 'stop' even though you are out of the abusive relationship. You'll have to heal and learn what a 'normal' relationship is like. The challenge is going to be to keep safe while you do that.

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:38

I wish that I could be different. I am not actually that young. I am early 30s but I feel really teenagery. My 20s got lost when I was married and I didn't really grow up.
I was well proud when I got a job but I am actually off sick because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't face going in.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 13:39

As PP have said, ask any survivor of a traumatic experience and it's not the busy times when the memories flood back but the quiet ones. When you're in a place of safety you can reflect on past dangers. Agree that you have to keep yourself safe in the meantime. Your doctor is there to help you heal. Hope you keep the appointment and hope you tell them the full story.

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:41

I don't think anyone will love me ever. But I really want them to.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 13:45

You can be 'different' and feel different/better, but it will take time and work - sometimes painful and difficult work.

You need to learn to love yourself, really like and accept yourself.
Then you will rely less on validation from somebody else, no matter how inappropriate they are.
Don't think that any attention is better than no attention, it's not, but you might feel that you need others/men to appear to 'love' you as it's all you've known.
Once you find your own self-worth you will be able to seek a mutually loving relationship Smile

Original poster
lowlowlower · 07/03/2015 13:46

Ok- I will definitely go to doctor Monday. I have to go now. But thanks.
Doing drugs is just like pretending that you are happy. And safe.
I tried to stop a few times recently but I don't actually know what to do with myself instead! And time seems slow.
I looked up some stuff on the internet and I will try again. Or my doctor might know some stuff?? I sometimes don't care if people hurt me because I feel like everyone is bad.
But that's unkind & silly.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 13:49

Of course someone will love you but they are less important than how you feel about yourself. You've made a great start at restoring your confidence with the house move, the studying and so forth but now you need to take the next step and tackle the really tricky bit - the part you'd probably rather not think about too deeply because it hurts - your psyche. Like yourself enough to see the doctor, take the prescribed meds, stop self-medicating on rubbish, push for therapy .... etc..... and others will respond to that.

ImperialBlether · 07/03/2015 14:03

You are punishing your body with drink and drugs. Could you go on a fitness kick instead? Would you like to join a gym? If you choose one with long opening hours you could go later in the evening when you might otherwise be tempted to do other stuff. Or a running club? You need something else to make you feel good than things which will destroy you.

Penguinotterfoxbadger · 07/03/2015 14:09

You are not dumb! And you are doing really well in a tough situation. Everyone gets angry and self destructive sometimes, even people who haven't been through the shirt of trauma you have experienced (I know I do and I have had a very easy life).

It's tough, but you don't need to beat yourself up for finding it tough if you see what I mean.

Take your meds. Go back to your doctor and tell them about the drug use and how you are feeling. Take any support that they will offer you.

Good luck Flowers

Penguinotterfoxbadger · 07/03/2015 14:10

Shirt = sort. Sodding autocorrect!

Original poster
lowlowlower · 11/03/2015 15:23

I haven't been to the doctor yet.
I have stopped taking drugs but I feel really not very well. My stomach hurts and I am so tired and headachy.
I feel so down and short tempered. I hate myself.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 11/03/2015 15:32

Please don't hate yourself. I know things seem really shit now but they can get better. You do have to work at it though.

Is your budget really stretched? Could you afford to see a therapist privately? If you look around there are often therapists who offer sliding scale fees depending on your circumstances. If you are studying for example you might get student rates.

I was abused as a child by my dad and then got into an abusive relationship as a young adult. My behaviour was very similar to how yours sounds. I put myself in very risky situations and honestly when I look back I'm sometimes surprised I'm still here and have all my limbs and faculties.

Could you try the group session? Nobody will make you talk if you don't want to. If someone says "Would you like to share anything with us" you can just say "No I'm not ready" and that is okay. But sometimes it can be very helpful just to be in the company of other people who you know have been in the same situation and have survived.

PacificDogwood · 11/03/2015 21:45

Aw, low, cut yourself some slack. Try and like yourself and you'll find it easier to make good choices for yourself.

Have you made an appointment to see your dr?

Not taking drugs is good, you know you can feel worse when you come off stuff before you feel better. Keep going. Just get through the next hour. Or 10 min. Or whatever you can manage.

You will NOT feel like this forever. It WILL pass. You CAN get better.

Have you eaten today?

Original poster
lowlowlower · 13/03/2015 22:46

Um, I just want to write some things down.

When I was a kid my older brother touched me and tried to have sex with me.
My mum made me watch porn and scary films and take photos of her in lingerie to send guys.
Her boyfriend kissed me and touched me and I touched him and i gave him a bj when I was 10. My mum knew and sometimes she was there. I didn't know what I was doing but I thought maybe he was MY boyfriend?

I got married and he beat me.
I wasn't allowed to say no to sex. We had sex 3 times a day for nearly 9 yrs. He hurt me and wouldn't use condoms. I wasn't even scared. I just felt nothing.

I still feel nothing now. Then angry. Then nothing again.

I don't want to be a victim anymore but who exactly am I??

Thanks :-\

OP posts: