Feel like i am ruining my life

[lowlowlower]

Hi,

I have been out of an abusive relationship for nearly 2 years and divorced just under a year ago. I lived in a refuge and then as a lodger but recently have found a houseshare in a really nice place and i have a job and i even study PT.

Thing is my life still feels like is in chaos. I am up and down all the time. I can rage at my friends (& my teacher!) I feel so angry. I am doing things that i shouldn't. Self destructive things. I put myself in danger by being out of it with strange men. I overshare! I tell people the worst things about me and I don't let anyone get to know me. I guess in a lot of ways my life has been more successful since leaving. I got a degree and a job--all new things to me. but i feel like is all held by a fine thread. I am scared and lonely and I feel like i hate everyone.

My ex was physically and sexually abusive. and i was sexually abused as a child.
went from childhoodcare systemmarriage--Now.

How do i find happiness and peace?
Why do I want to destroy everything I built?

thanks

How are you doing today?
I am so sorry to read what you are saying about your childhood. That was abuse and wrong and should not have happened to you. You know that none of these events are your fault, don't you?

You are you.
You are as valuable and unique as the next person and have as much right to be respected and treated well.

Have you every sought help regarding you past experiences?
RAINN provide support for survivors of childhood sexual abuse
As does the Survivor's Trust
Many services are v localised so you might need to go a search for your area.