My broken ankle and DH - not sure if I am being completely U

[Crutched]

3 days ago I broke my right ankle. It has been a complete disaster. The pain is awful, I am struggling on the crutches. My eldest DD has to walk her younger siblings home from school and I worry the whole time as they cross a busy road.

I am sleeping on the sofa, I smell (am going to try a shower tonight). But worst thing is being completely dependant on DH.

His attitude is like he is cross with me, which I sort of understand as it was my fault (was doing something stupid), my ankle is broken. But he is so dismissive. I sent him links to 'hands free' crutches and a sort of scooter you put your knee in so you don't need to use crutches and can get about easier. He said it was too much money.

He and DD have a sports game at the same time as DS has a play. A friend offered to drive me and DS to the play but DH said it's not fair to burden her with having to help me (I need a lot of help, down the stairs of the house and into car and then the other end). I can see that but it makes me feel like I am trapped in the house for the next four weeks.

Also he called to inform me he has booked a cleaner for next week. Fair enough the house does desperately need help and we were planning on booking someone but only after tidying first (his mum is coming to stay). I said I'd rather it wasn't next week as I will feel awkward being stuck in the living room/still in a lot of pain, can it be the week after and he said no! It has to be next week and it's not like I can do it myself.

I don't know what I am going to do for the next month. I feel so trapped and tearful. I get it is massively inconvenient but DH doesn't want to help me he is just leaving me to fester on the sofa. He yelled at me for trying to help make dinner yesterday.

[Seriouslyffs]

What was the stupid thing you did? If you did it coked off your head at an orgy as is your wont every Tuesday evening then HINBU.

[Crutched]

I did it falling off the sofa! Ridiculous. Was standing on it fiddling with the finial on a curtain rod and slipped one way while my foot got stuck between the seat cushions

We have compromised! A cleaner will come but not until after midweek and we will book for each week after that so things can't get too out of hand. Found a wheely desk chair for the kitchen so I can do basic things like stir.

Going to a specialist now to see if things are ok in there, wish me luck!

[ChillySundays]

Now I know how you did it I feel your husband is being even more unreasonable.

When you said it was your fault I imagined you breaking your ankle doing cartwheels when drunk

[Jan45]

You sound very unequal to him, he's the bossy clearly, I thought relationships were about partnerships and supporting each other, I'd be absolutely livid at his attitude towards me, a broken ankle must be so painful, what an absolute arsehole he sounds, sorry OP, but you are letting him make you feel less a person when you are not!

God sake, god forbid anything really terribly serious happens to you, he won't have your back, he's just have his back up!

[cottageinthecountry]

Have you had your bone density checked?

[Crutched]

I'm usually the bossy one

[JugglingLife]

A finial related break. You poor thing, yes, he is being quite unreasonable. You need to tell him to stop sulking over the extra stuff he has to do for the next few weeks, it was an accident and really not self inflicted unlike the time I was absolutely bladdered and fell off the table whilst dancing, he does really need to help you up to bed though, the sofa must be horrid.

[susyot]

Is your husband picking up the slack? Is he doing this without complaint or playing the martyr?

If yes, then I think YABU. If you are in so much pain you cannot get up the stairs then you should not being trying to cook dinner, using mobility aids to get around and making plans to go out. You should be resting and preferably drugged up to the eyeballs.

It sucks, I know, I've been in a similar position. He shouldn't have yelled at you or dismissed the idea of a mobility aid because of cost but you shouldn't be doing what you are trying to do.

Also you are in pain, is it possible that what you perceive as him being cross is actually him keeping a tight reign on his emotions because he is upset that you are in so much pain and there is nothing he can do.

Of course if he is whinging and/or not pulling his weight, then he's a git but unfortunately you are dependent on him and you are probably are pretty much housebound for a few weeks.

I hope the pain gets better soon and follow Amara's advice above, it's pretty spot on.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Sounds very painful. I am sorry DH is short on patience it's not as if you did this on purpose. MIL will be on her way soon so perhaps he'll calm down with another pair of hands to help. Sometimes reading such threads I wonder if mums and wives just aren't allowed to get ill and stop functioning as if robots.

Good luck when you see the specialist.

Keeping the weight off your ankle is sensible but you will go stir crazy never getting out. If a friend has offered to help in any way then accept help, I'm sure you'd do the same for her.

Regarding the cleaner surely the others can tidy before she's due. [Every cloud, etc]. As to feeling embarrassed having her clean round you, bet she would probably rather you are stationary than tracking her and looking over her shoulder, (not that you would).

[Crutched]

I think it was the way he wouldn't 'let' me get up/'help' etc. It is so frustrating when the kids are yelling upstairs or something happens and I can't get over there easily. And when I reach for my crutches they act like it's unreasonable of me to do so.

Like being 'told' a cleaner had been booked felt demeaning.

DH actually slept on the sofa with me for a few hours last night, we fell asleep on each other in front of the TV, it was really nice in a weird way.

He thinks I am crazy for acting like I can do normal things (with help/modifications - maybe not now, but in a week or so), and I think he is being too negative by acting like I can't.

[InfinitySeven]

I have a broken wrist at the moment, and I can sympathise...I keep trying to do things, too. DP keeps sighing and would rather I didn't try, I think.

He's probably right. Up until yesterday I was fairly convinced I'd recover enough to ski next week...

Get well soon, OP. And try to fight the instinct to help too much.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

He doesn't get to let you do anything.

Arrange the lift etc. with your friend. It doesn't directly impinge on him. I wouldn't even tell him if he's just going to be negative.

Tell him - TELL HIM - that you want the cleaner booked for the week after. You won't be having someone here cleaning around you next week, it isn't what you want. It's not happening.

Pull him up on this. He's punishing you for 'creating' this situation. That isn't on. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. They will be, one day, by the way - one day he'll be the one needing support after an accident or a bad situation. Would he like to be treated as an inconvenience and an idiot when he needed support the most?

[pinkrocker]

You poor thing! ((hug!!))
I broke mine last week and have had zero sympathy from my family (because it was on a night out ) and no help from them because I'm looking like I can cope (I'm in a big boot) I'm getting around and taking DC's to school but boy it's so frustrating isnt it!??
My DC's classmates mums have been great though, they've rallied round and helped with Brownies and Beavers etc. I'm very grateful.
I'm still cooking, cleaning and ironing because it's not a "bad break" (I don't have a DH and OH is away til June!!)
Your dh needs to feel sorry for you! Not inconvenienced! Bloody men!
YY to the poster who said in sickness and in health!! Tell him to up his game and bring you some nice flowers.
I hope you get better soon

[trackrBird]

He and DD have a sports game at the same time as DS has a play. A friend offered to drive me and DS to the play but DH said it's not fair to burden her with having to help me.....

Why not ask your friend how she feels, while being frank about how much help you need.

His attitude is like he is cross with me, which I sort of understand as it was my fault (was doing something stupid), my ankle is broken. But he is so dismissive.
....
I feel so trapped and tearful. I get it is massively inconvenient but DH doesn't want to help me he is just leaving me to fester on the sofa. He yelled at me for trying to help make dinner yesterday.

Is he always so aggressive when you're out of action, Crutched? It isn't very helpful to yell at someone who feels trapped and tearful, and is in horrible pain. Do think he'll calm down and apologise for being snippy at some point? Is this just a one off?

I can see how being told about a cleaner ( rather than consulted) and told not to bother your friend would feel as if you were being managed (like a child).

[cottageinthecountry]

What was the doctor's advice about convalescence and healing the ankle?

[Crutched]

He has already apologised. I made it upstairs this morning out of sheer determination - crawled up (thanks for the tip!). He said it looked scary (like a zombie in a horror movie), but he held my leg for me when I was in the shower, got a chair (another MN tip!) for me to rest it on etc.

He is never normally aggressive but he is terrible in a crisis. For example when DS had a head injury and was losing loads of blood a few years back DH was saying stuff like "should we go down the road to the GP" when it was clear we needed an ambulance. When this break happened I said "something is broken" and he said I was being melodramatic so he might be feeling guilty.

It seems pretty black and white in his head, like I am hurt and shouldn't do much = I should stay on the sofa and not move.

We've agreed on when to get a cleaner in and we are going to ask my doctor about aids like the hands free crutch.

[SauvignonBlanche]

See here for knee walker hire. Good luck.

[cottageinthecountry]

I would have thought that right now, within a few days of a fracture you should be just resting it. It's bone, it's trying to fuse together, even shaking and bumping it about will make that difficult.

Then after around a week I would say yes, start going out and doing stuff with crutches but the important thing is that NO weight goes on that ankle for several weeks (10 weeks according to the NHS website).

You need a plan based on the hard facts of science, preferably supplied by a doctor. There are a lot of factors, like your age, bone density(?) and weight that will affect their advice to you.

This is nothing to do with personalities and whether he's a black/white thinker, or that you think he ought to help you to go out. It sounds as though neither of you know quite what's the right thing to do.

If your foot and your ankle are broken with pins in I would go upstairs, stay upstairs, in bed, for a week and force the other fully fledged adult in the house to deal with the rest. It will take a lot longer to heal if you go crawling about or standing around watching a sports match.

[evertonmint]

I think he sounds terribly worried about you. I think you are being way too blasé about how hurt you are - you shouldn't be cooking or chasing after kids. He got cross with you for hobbling round the kitchen, he booked a cleaner, he's told you you should be resting. How is any of this horrible? He would be an arse if he were demanding you cook, clean and care for the kids as normal, but he is doing everything he should. Maybe not with the perfect attitude, but there are far worse responses to this than his and I'm amazed so many people think he's completely out of order here.

[trackrBird]

It sounds like progress, Crutched. I really hope the pain lessens soon.

You can feel like a caged animal when you are stuck in one place, which is almost as distressing as the break. But you are both starting to adapt, which is all you can do at present. (And follow your doctor's advice, of course)

[cottageinthecountry]

I agree everton I don't think OP really understands how serious a broken anke AND a foot with pins in, is. He's right she should be in bed.

Bloody hell OP, make the most of it! You could be on here for a week just for fun, eating chocolate and drinking wine. Or whatever your indulgence may be. It will be hard for hubby but boy will it be a good test of his strength and commitment. You've got to let go and let him take over.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

I think YABU, but I completely understand why. (I am assuming however you generally have a good relationship and he is a good partner!)

I have a condition causing chronic pain and have become pretty disabled in the last few years. DH has been great in stepping up practically, it has caused huge life changes for all of us, however the only issue that can still frustrate and upset me is when he worries about me, he comes across as very abrupt.

Eg I have had a flare up this week, am on crutches in the house and tanked up on diazepam. Yesterday I was desperate for a shower and to wash my hair. DH suggested I wait but you know when you just need to feel clean? Of course I couldn't manage it, DH came and finished rinsing my hair and lifted my out, but said in a cross voice "I told you to wait". Of course I felt like I was being talked down to, I snapped back etc. He was worried and I feel frustrated I am reduced to relying on him. It's hard.

Also, sometimes when I try to help eg cooking, it feels to me as though I'm not pulling my weight, but to DH it genuinely isn't a problem, I'm sure sometimes he thinks I'm being a martyr...

In reality we are both worried about each other, I worry he's doing too much, he's worried I'm in pain and fed up. 99% of the time we do get along wonderfully and it actually has made us closer but of course it's a hard situation.

You broke it three days ago, you really should be resting from both the injury and the shock. Be kind to yourself. If you and you DH can talk honestly to each other and tell each other how you are feeling, it avoids a lot of silly rows which are never what they appear to be about! If you can cuddle a lot it helps, IME.

I know it will be horrible for the short term but hopefully you will recover quickly and everything including your relationship can go back to normal. I am struggling that this is now my new life, this is my normal now.

I hope you feel better soon. Keep talking and be kind to each other.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

God that was so long and a bit self pitying, bloody hell. Too many tablets.

Please take it easy OP. I agree, if you can just get into bed and accept you need to rest for a while, you might feel better. Please don't try to carry on as normal, as it won't be for a while!