Where is DH?

[dontknowwhattdotoday]

Nc'd for this as I feel so embarrassed.

DH is away at a work conference tonight. We had an argument last night, so things were a bit tense this morning. A few snatched calls/texts/emails today haven't gone well. So at tea time, I tried to call both his personal and work phones but no answer. So I phoned the hotel to ask to be put through to his room in case he had switched phones off to be quiet in conference meetings. Hotel say he is not there and there is no conference from his company at the hotel.

Fuck. I feel like such a fool.

He's been travelling a lot more for work recently, it was making me anxious, so we talked about it and agreed I should go with him sometimes. I did a couple of weeks ago and it was lovely. When this conference came up, he said I couldn't go with him (even though I have been to a similar one with him before as it is at a hotel with a spa) because he was worried it might make him look weak in front of his colleagues. Him saying that hurt a lot so I cried. Next day he sent through lots of links for a nice B& B close by the hotel, saying why didn't I stay there, I could stay there for night of conference, he would try to join me for a bit then we could stay for the weekend afterwards.

He's fucking one of his colleagues isn't he?

He's been disinterested in sex since about Xmas, still likes a cuddle and a flirt but said it's because I have been unwell, he feels protective of me, not
sexual towards me and it takes time to switch his head round.

One of the reasons I got really upset about his travelling was my mum and dad split up when I was little, after my dad used travelling a lot for work as a cover for an affair. I cried and cried telling him about this. He said i shouldn't worry he would never do that to me and I could come with him some of his trips.

Sometimes he leaves his personal phone at home and there have been lots of witheld number calls during the day the last few weeks, they hang up when I answer. It worried me a little at the time. but now everything is starting to make sense and I feel like my whole world is collapsing.

Both his phones are switched off, going to straight to voicemail and I have no idea where he is.

Hope that this situation worked out ok. I would have worried too.

Sounds bad; however, give him a chance to explain.

Hope it's all been sorted op though it doesn't sound good

Hi OP

was just thinking about you and came to check for news

Hope all is ok.

How are you OP?

Hope you got some answers.

why has this popped up in active again?
op did you get in touch with him?

hats weird, when I opened the thread the latest post was Thursday

Will the OP ever update?

no she's gone

I hope it's an innocent mistake and she's called the wrong hotel.

Argh I read this hoping for a happy ending but there is no ending
Hopefully all turned out ok in the end op.

Ok, so update 6 months on.

Colleague's partner texted me back- event was moved last minute to another place cos they outgrew original venue. It went to a place owned by the same chain in a neighbouring village.

I managed to get DH on the phone that night and we had the mother of all rows about bad communication, me not trusting him etc. It ended very badly with phone slamming down etc. Went on for hours.

But he came home early from the conference the next day and we went away for the weekend to talk it through.

He didn't register that venue had changed til he turned up at original one and got redirected. The person I spoke to at the hotel on the phone just didn't realise.

The reason I disappeared that night was partly due to how freaked out I was about the post about he man found dead in a toilet. That drove my anxiety right off the richter scale and I just shut mumsnet down. Then we basically went off together all weekend and got on with dealing with it, and then it seemed a bit late.

The talking it through revealed this:

My side: I get very anxious when he goes away, because my dad travelled for work a lot when I was little and was using it to cover for affairs. So it is a trigger for unhappy memories of the breakdown of my parent's marriage, which included violent incidents then father disappearing forever in to new family etc.

His side: This event happens once every 6 months at his firm. In an anniversary year it was opened up to partners as a celebration, but that's not usual. If I had gone with him I would l have been the only one there. He had newly been promoted to a more senior role, he is youngest one at that level by a long chalk, and is v keen to get taken seriously by the older ones. He is very much one for fitting in, and felt uncomfortable about potentially being the only one with a partner there when he was newly promoted to a new level. But he was embarrassed about feeling like that so just kept dodging it. We are both quite introverted and shy, so I get how terrifying it must have been for him to think he would be rocking the boat.

Anyway, the upshot of our conversations was this- he is travelling a bit less, and schedules what he has to do to coincide with times I can go with him as much he can. He also understands that some things make me nervous that wouldn't make other people nervous, and takes that into account i.e. he explains things/communicates better. I have been working on separating my past from my present. With us both making an effort, we're communicating a lot better, about this and lot of other things. We've stopped worrying about whether we sound silly to each other and just talk about stuff to get somewhere we are both comfortable. A lot of my anxiety is lessening due to this- we both bottle up less and hide less.

Anyway, earlier this week, he went to the same event. And I went with him. Even though I was the only partner there. He got a good appraisal recently and feels more established, plus he knew it would mean a lot to me, so he overcame his nervousness. I understood his nervousness, so I left it up to him which meals we ate together and so on. And it turned out he came back to our room earlier, came to find me when I was eating alone, insisted that i join the group meal far more than I would have asked him to,

So it worked out really well and has turned out to be one of those crises that end up making you stronger as a couple.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

What a wonderful and positive update. I hope you're happy and able to feel more secure

That's brilliant. well done to you both.

Excellent outcome. So happy and relieved for you!

Brilliant update. You both are lucky to have each other.

Aww, what a lovely update! Glad you and DH are doing well