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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I'm going to have a breakdown ..not sure where to post who to talk to

41 replies

louisedinah · 05/03/2015 10:34

My mums ill at the minute which is one thing but the other is I'm a full time carer for my nana who is 92 with dementia .
I've had enough of my life ,I can't cope anymore ..sorry I don't know where to post this I don't know who to turn to .
My life at the minute I get up at 7 am go to my nanas for 8 am stay there all day till 8 pm come home have a bath and go to bed and it starts again .
Get my uncle ( her son ) to watch her for a hour twice a week whilst I pop for shopping.
I'm so sad and lonely ..she doesn't try to get up and dressed now she just lies there .
My Aunty ( her daughter ) lives In australia always rings and brags how great her life is and I'm here caring for her mum ..I love my nana with all my heart but I have no life .
Today I'm in all day till 8 pm ,it's a multi storey flat so no where to go for fresh air I'm trapped .
I go home tonight bed and starts again tomorrow ..my Aunty is coming over in a few weeks and I can't wait to be free .
The simple things like getting on a train and just going somewhere ..anywhere .
How am I going to make it up a few weeks tho ..I'm crying everyday .
I've fallen out with my friend because yesterday she said I know how you feel ..I asked how ? And she said I've read online how difficult it is to care for someone with dementia .
I lost my temper and swore at her and said yeah cos that's the same
I wish I was away from this ..I wish I was ill instead of my mum at least she's going to be away from it all soon ..this is my life permanently now ..I feel so low .
I need someone to tell me things will get better ..and one day il be happy :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 10:36

Reading that post I sound so self centred don't i ..I'm really not I just feel so sad .
I suffer with anxiety and depression which I think is caused by all of this ..I'm so alone ,I rang my dad and he just said why you telling me it's not my problem I don't care ( it's not he's mum it's my mums mum )

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 05/03/2015 10:39

You're feel close to breaking because that's not a life. What professionals are involved with your Nan? Could you talk to anyone outside the family? I think she probably needs to be in residential car

Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 10:53

No one is involved just me and my uncle when he stays for a hour whilst I pop out ..
I know I shouldn't complain there's people worse off

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 05/03/2015 11:00

Does nan have GP? How long have you been spending all day there? Honestly love, if she needs that level of supervision the load should be spread and she needs to be in a home.

Adarajames · 05/03/2015 11:03

Poor you, sounds awful x
Assuming you are in the UK, you need to call adult team SS and your GP, explain the situation and how you're feeling, and push for help, you are entitled to a life and shouldn't be dealing with all this on your own. You may have to push for support as SS are so overstretched, but with backing of GP te what it's doing to your own health, they should try to sort it out.
In the short term, do you have access to any money to pay for done carer hrs for you to have time out whilst waiting for GP / SS to sort things out?

bluejelly · 05/03/2015 11:04

You poor thing, that sounds unbelievably tough. You must get some respite help, you can't carry this all on your own. Talk to the adult care social services at your local council. And your GP. There are sources of support out there. But you have to fight to find them.

Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 11:06

I did try social services a couple of years back they came out and assessed her and said she had dementia and have me leaflets but not sure who to talk to next ..they were quite abrupt with me ..

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/03/2015 11:07

Have you read the book 'Contented Dementia' by Oliver James? Your local library should have a copy. Excellent book and one of the key things I learned from it was that it is just impossibly to care 1-2-1 for someone with dementia without lots of help/respite. In the end the kindest thing to do for everyone is a 'group setting' ie a home.
There are also brilliant day care centres who can help in the short-term. Talk to your adult social services dept and ask their advice. You can't do this on your own. Xx

Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 11:08

Yeah my nana gets a weekly pension of about 280 a week as she's registered blind but she still knows who we are etc and there's no way she would let strangers in the house as she thinks upstairs neighbours are hiding in the walls watching her ..she would just scream and shout till they left
Bit of a bad situation at the minute

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/03/2015 11:09

Sorry Louise cross-posted. Definitely try them again. Things have improved on the dementia front in recent years. Tell them you want another assessment as you think she's deteriorated. They may be able to fund respite carers/care.

Missqwerty · 05/03/2015 11:09

Bless you, it sounds awful. Your Nan needs residential care. You need to take care of yourself, have your own life too. I know how u feel as my dad had a stroke and cancer and was dying, everyday was spent taking care of his needs and as I loved him so much I felt guilty if I didn't do things. But residential care can be lovely, you have to really look around and compare the reports and reviews online but there are some amazing ones with lovely staff. You and your nan would both be better off in that situation

niceupthedance · 05/03/2015 11:10

You need to phone ss and tell them that you can't cope and you are going to withdraw your care support. That should make them take you a bit more seriously.

Also you can contact age UK in your area and the altzheimer's society. They do respite for carers and other services. They will also listen to you!

Missqwerty · 05/03/2015 11:13

Also to add, if your Nan doesn't have any savings then she will get the care for free. If she does prepare for her children to guilt trip you. As if your doing everything they are avoiding the cost of care which protects their inheritance. I don't mean to talk about money but I witnessed families complaining about paying for care with parents savings as dwindling away what would be left to them. Not that your family is like that, just a warning :)

bobs123 · 05/03/2015 11:13

I think you have to fight to get some help from social services as they will be stretched and make them realise your position.

Can your uncle not put in more hours?

xx

sebsmummy1 · 05/03/2015 11:15

Louise, how did you end up being sole carer for your Nana? Did you live with her initially and ended up caring for her or do you live elsewhere and stat at her house each day and evening then go home?

Reason I ask is how you came to be in this situation might give us some insight into how to help you remove yourself or at least free up some time.

Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 11:46

What happened was my mum has always been close to her mum and dad she was there everyday and would do the shopping etc .
My nan was ok then and could cook clean etc .
My mum was diagnosed with cancer, My grandad died and now my mum in a hospice as it has progressed and terminal .
I used to work and then come back after work to check on my nana and get her shopping after work ..but for the last two years my nana for worse and needed me to cook her meals and be here all the time and as my mum used to do the job it automatically got passed on to me ..I quit my job 2 years ago and since then the time I need to be here has increased

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/03/2015 11:54

OP I really feel for you. My mum went through similar with my grandma when she had dementia, she and my aunty were desparate to stop her going into a care home but even with the two of them giving 24hr care (they did 24hrs on, 24hrs off) there came a point where they just could not cope any more.

It sounds like you have now reached that breaking point. Presuming your nan doesn't have savings, SS will be able to assess her and either provide care workers in the home, or they will be able to arrange for her to moved to residential care. Please be very clear with SS that you cannot continue to care for her. If you need to, lie - just say you have to go back to work as you cannot afford to live on carers allowance. Or that you're leaving the country. SS like to try to give the impression that it's the family's responsibility to look after the vulnerable person, but if you're unable to do that then they legally must provide care.

Flowers for you - this must be such a hard time for you with your mum dying on top of the burden you already have. I'm sorry your dad was so dismissive of you.

Leeloo01 · 05/03/2015 12:09

Louise - I agree with everyone else here - it's too much for one person. So hard for you - I do feel for you (I am also a full time carer so do have some insight into how this is for you)
I know that you probably don't feel like doing anything practical as it would be just one more responsibility but may I make a suggestion.
You can use the long stretches of time at your nan's to make calls etc (go on a laptop if she has a connection or maybe a neighbour would allow you access to their wifi?)
You would be eligable for carers allowance. So you could call them.
You should call social services and your/her GP.
You can get respite care (maybe from SS or a volunteer organisation.
You could approach a vicar at your local church. My vicar has been very supportive and councels me and helps with arrangements (you dont even have to be religious - they will help people in their parish)
You cannot do this alone - it sounds as though she needs to be in a care home tbh.
Please do try and call just a couple of people today (maybe vicar and GP?) just to get someone to talk to and get things moving. Also she may need medication adjustments etc so the GP could come out. You could show the GP your post here as it says it all.
Hope you are ok - thoughts are with you. You are doing great and are a very caring person - she is lucky to have you.

Damnautocorrect · 05/03/2015 12:13

Oh lovely, I helped care for my nan when she had dementia but I wasn't sole carer. I did evenings and weekends and that was bad, I don't know how you do it all.
You need help, I had the fight left in me for the social service battle. My mum (main carer) didn't. It all came to a head in one violent argument, GP was great diagnosed mum with depression and signed her off caring duty. Social services HAD to listen then. My nan went into rest bite care and stayed in a wonderful home. We visited daily still and still cared for her, but we went back to being family not exhausted battling carer's.

I know your probably not feeling strong enough but you need them to step in now and help you. They are too happy to dump it all on family and not support the family to care. Alzheimer's uk are fantastic, an incredible online forum too.

Damnautocorrect · 05/03/2015 12:16

Oh and I can truly sympathise on the 'wonderful life' relatives. We avoided calls in the end.

Corygal · 05/03/2015 12:23

You're amazing, not selfish. But you are human and this is all too much for one human to bear - google carer burnout. Get to a GP asap who can help you and arrange for more care from outside for your nan. She may well need to be in a home - most people don't get admitted for months after they've needed it.

You do sound depressed, which is part and parcel of the carer's journey. Show your post to the GP and ask for action now. And help for yourself, most importantly.

shovetheholly · 05/03/2015 12:25

Flowers OP. You are dealing with more than anyone should have to, and you've done really, really well to do as much as you have. In fact, you sound like an amazing, caring human being, whose only fault is really being too kind.

However, it's time to recognise that you are only human, that you have limits to what you can do, and that you DESERVE a life of your own. It is absolutely not selfish IN ANY WAY to feel that you deserve some nice time to yourself. In fact, you can only really be an effective carer if you get this.

I second the advice of PPs to ring social services. Explain that you are the sole carer and that you need more support. They will arrange for an assessment to be made. All the better if your nan's DD has a great life - she can help pay for some of the care her mum needs!!

I would also get in touch with charities - AgeUK, Dementia UK and ask for further advice. It is not at all uncommon for those with dementia not to want help at first, but things can be done and systems can be put in place with a bit of support and persistence (my aunt has dementia, and she has gone from hating her carer to looking out for her arrival every day).

Original poster
louisedinah · 05/03/2015 12:34

Thankyou so much for all your nice responses .I wish I had relatives like you all .
I see a counsellor for anxiety I think I will explain to her ,how I'm feeling and maybe she can point me in the right direction .
I'm trying to keep busy and plan things for a few weeks time when my Aunty comes over ..trying to keep me going .
I think the last couple of days has just pushed me over the edge .
I think she has a uti as she's been hearing more voices the last couple of days but she refuses to take her antibiotics ..the only person she listens to is my Aunty but she's on holiday in Dubai and then Los Angeles for 6 days so i can't get in touch untill she rings
Makes me angry that my Aunty is living it up in Dubai /LA and I can't even pop to tescos !

OP posts:
HopSkipCrash · 05/03/2015 13:30

No advice, but Flowers

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/03/2015 14:12

I maya get flamed but an stinks serious and will make the elderly hallucinate, ide call an ambulance op because if they keep her in, you get a break she gets professionally assessed and a care package.

As hard as it will be and I say this fm personal experience , you have to guard from becoming institutionalised, which means you will do everything in a very structured way and won't accept help.

You will have a breakdown op be assured of this and then you'll be fit to help no one. The thing with social services if they can get away without doing things sometimes they will, and people,such as yourself will suffer.