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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm going to have a breakdown ..not sure where to post who to talk to

41 replies

louisedinah · 05/03/2015 10:34

My mums ill at the minute which is one thing but the other is I'm a full time carer for my nana who is 92 with dementia .
I've had enough of my life ,I can't cope anymore ..sorry I don't know where to post this I don't know who to turn to .
My life at the minute I get up at 7 am go to my nanas for 8 am stay there all day till 8 pm come home have a bath and go to bed and it starts again .
Get my uncle ( her son ) to watch her for a hour twice a week whilst I pop for shopping.
I'm so sad and lonely ..she doesn't try to get up and dressed now she just lies there .
My Aunty ( her daughter ) lives In australia always rings and brags how great her life is and I'm here caring for her mum ..I love my nana with all my heart but I have no life .
Today I'm in all day till 8 pm ,it's a multi storey flat so no where to go for fresh air I'm trapped .
I go home tonight bed and starts again tomorrow ..my Aunty is coming over in a few weeks and I can't wait to be free .
The simple things like getting on a train and just going somewhere ..anywhere .
How am I going to make it up a few weeks tho ..I'm crying everyday .
I've fallen out with my friend because yesterday she said I know how you feel ..I asked how ? And she said I've read online how difficult it is to care for someone with dementia .
I lost my temper and swore at her and said yeah cos that's the same
I wish I was away from this ..I wish I was ill instead of my mum at least she's going to be away from it all soon ..this is my life permanently now ..I feel so low .
I need someone to tell me things will get better ..and one day il be happy :-(

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 05/03/2015 14:13

Sorry flamed and uti is serious p, fecking ipad is Driving me nuts

pocketsaviour · 05/03/2015 14:25

Louise, does she hear voices or other sounds a lot? This could be part of Lewy Body Dementia, which is what my Grandma had. Very disturbing and unfortunately can only get worse.

If your Nan is at the point where she won't take medications and won't allow you to give them, then sadly it's probably reached the point where she can no longer be cared for at home.

Please do speak to your counsellor and as a PP suggested try Age Concern and dementia charities as well. I'm sure they will have more advice for you. CAB can also be helpful.

Quitelikely · 05/03/2015 14:31

You really really need to get your gran assessed. You do not have to do this. If you were not available the authorities would either have to send in carers each day or put your nan in a home if she is deemed a risk to herself or others.

louisedinah · 05/03/2015 15:04

Yeah she hears voices all day every day ..she had a head scan a few years ago and they found areas of stroke ...I've managed to get her to start the antibiotics ..she's taken 1 and will give her another tonight ..she's asleep at the minute

OP posts:
bluejelly · 06/03/2015 08:37

How are you today Louise? Did you manage to ring adult ss? Don't feel bad for reaching out for help, not for a second. You have to get help otherwise you will burn out.
And even if your nan resists it at first she will get used to other carers in the future, she really will.
My grandfather was very resistant to moving into a care home and struggled on at home for years. Eventually it all got too much and we moved him. He didn't want to go still, but literally settled in two days, and is extremely happy and secure there.

bluejelly · 06/03/2015 08:38

And how is your nan? Sorry forgot to ask...

Firecrest · 06/03/2015 09:05

Louise, another who has been where you are.
Of course the other relatives are enjoying their wonderful lives. You are taking all the responsibility and doing all the work. You must change this or you will become very seriously depressed.

First stop your GP, tell them what is going on and the bad affect on your health. Tell them you need proper help. Then your Nan's GP - if it isn't the same person. Make sure they know exactly what your Nan's condition is and that she needs residential care.

SS will let you battle on until you go under. I'm lucky in that I had my husband to support me and say this is too much, or I'd have gone on and on til I crashed. SS must know you can do no more and Nan needs residential care. It sounds as though her dementia has really advanced and she needs expert care.

My Dad eventually needed residential care, I looked after him as long as I could, but it became too much. He wouldn't have wanted me to sacrifice my life and health to him. Your Nan probably wouldn't either. Get looking at Care Homes, I was so happy with the one that looked after Dad.

Age Concern has useful info. I too wonder if there are savings these other relatives want preserved for themselves.

You've given care and love to your Nan, now give it to yourself. It doesn't sound like anyone else will, so look after your own health and well-being. I know it's not easy when you haven't for so long.

Thanks I so wish I could give these to you in person.

Damnautocorrect · 06/03/2015 11:07

How are you today?
Did your Nana take her antibiotics this morning?

OvertiredandConfused · 06/03/2015 13:22

Just wanted to add to what PP have said. You urgently need a new assessment for your nan and, at the very least regular and respite care if not fully residential.

This is so important, not just for you but for your nan. If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to look out for your nan and give her lots of love and attention AND have time for your own life, health and needs as well.

Please have a look at www.dementiauk.org. There is a helpline number and there may even be Admiral Nurses near you.

I know you said your nan wouldn't be keen on anyone coming in but it is essential to have some experienced professionals to back up all the time and love that you give. You wouldn't allow a child to make that decision for themselves and, sadly, your nan's condition means she isn't capable of making that decision for herself either. It's sad and horrible, but true.

Do take care OP. Hope you can follow some of the advice on this thread Flowers

ImperialBlether · 06/03/2015 13:31

You are in an impossible position.

Why is her own son only able to do a couple of hours a week while you do the shopping? That is disgraceful. Why is he not coming more often and bringing the shopping?

Do you claim allowances for doing this?

It seems as though her children are completely taking advantage of you. She should have a social worker but if not, you desperately need to talk to her GP.

Damnautocorrect · 06/03/2015 18:46

I hope today's been a peaceful one, I've been thinking of you and your nana today. Especially when this lady was on this morning. She talked a lot of sense.
www.amazon.co.uk/Dementia-One-Stop-Practical-professionals-Alzheimers/dp/1781251711

1Cheesedoff · 06/03/2015 22:00

Just want to say what a wonderful person I think you are. Please take the wonderful advice off your friends here on MN. you are making yourself ill and that will cause more problems for you. take care love.xxxx

1Cheesedoff · 06/03/2015 22:00

Just want to say what a wonderful person I think you are. Please take the wonderful advice off your friends here on MN. you are making yourself ill and that will cause more problems for you. take care love.xxxx

SensationalGirl · 06/03/2015 22:26

I think you're amazing and a credit to your family.

If she has a uti and won't take antibiotics then she'll need to go to hospital. You can get her care sorted out then. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that. You have done more than your share and deserve to spend time with your mum before she dies.

Joysmum · 06/03/2015 22:41

I feel for you. Been there myself but got help in way before you have.

DFIL had vascular dementia, it was thought to be Lewy initially. It was the hardest period of my life.

Please please please follow the advice. Get her to her GP, or have a home visit. Speak to the adult team at social services.

Check out the info on the Alzheimer's, dementia UK and age UK websites.

Enough is enough. YOU WILL NOT BE LETTING YOUR NANA DOWN BY GETTING THE PROFESSIONAL HELP SHE NEEDS Flowers

Damnautocorrect · 09/03/2015 16:39

How are you getting on?

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