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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with someone who has a pregnant girlfriend ...

36 replies

louisedinah · 04/03/2015 12:46

I'm 27 and he is 33 ,he is my best friends brother ..nothing sexual has happened between us just a kiss years ago.
We've been texting for years now on and off ,my friend found out we were speaking and went crazy saying I'm her friend and he needs to keep away .
He broke up with his girlfriend as things weren't working then she tells him she decided to stop taking her birth control and she was pregnant ..he got back together with her .
I have feelings for him and I know nothing can happen ..I don't know if he has for me .
We talk a lot ..Saturday he text asking if I wanted to share a Chinese and few drinks even as friends ,I said no as I didn't think it was right and didn't want anything to happen between us .
He told me if I had a boyfriend he would be so jealous ..tells me he can't stop thinking of me and knows he shouldn't be .
He keeps saying why are things so complicated and awkward ..he said you must know how bad I want you ..thing is to be fair I wouldn't want you as a bit on the side Louise .
I have no idea what he means by that how could it ever be more than that .
Then he texts saying friendly massage and a wink face .
He text yesterday saying I deserve to have a nice bloke and he text me happy valentines day few weeks back .
I don't get him ..is it all sexual or is there feelings there ..is he confused ? It's been going on ages now ..my friend would go crazy ..and he's having a baby now ..it's all a mess .
I'm not a bad person I know we probably shouldn't be speaking ..
Any advice or anything

OP posts:
theconstantvacuumer · 04/03/2015 12:52

I think you know this can only end badly.

He sounds like a messer. I would draw a line under it and move on, however painful that may be Sad

Penquin · 04/03/2015 12:53

If he's with someone else and sending you teasy little messages that are just enough to keep you hooked but not much more, that doesn't sound very kind to me.

I think he will have a lot to deal with a new baby in the next few months. I know it's easier said than done but I think you should back off, make it clear it's not appropriate while he's with someone else. He can still be a dad without being with his baby's mother but he should focus on sorting that out and prioritising his new baby. After this has settled down if he's free and can be with you in a proper way then great, but let him go for now and you never know who might be around the corner for you anyway.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 12:57

If you and he liked each other that much you have both had years to get it on.

He was separated from his partner recently and did not have to go back just because she was pregnant but choose to do so. If he cared about you that much he would be with you right now.

What he is doing is betraying his gf trust in the worst possible way. If it wasn't you he was texting it would probably be someone else.

You are also betraying your friend since you told her you would stay away.

Nothing good will come of this. Look elsewhere. Join online dating. Something. Anything.

Idontseeanysontarans · 04/03/2015 12:58

He knows you have feelings for him and he's playing with you, sorry Sad
He won't stop this so you have to. Back off, cut contact or whatever, keep yourself busy so you don't have time to mope after him.

alwayslookingforsomething · 04/03/2015 12:58

Sorry this will lead to heartbreak

Stay away from him and don't betray your friend

LurcioAgain · 04/03/2015 12:58

If he's chosen to go back to her (which he has, no-one held a gun to his head) and then is flirting with you (he sounds to me like he's doing the classic "lead you on till you make the first move so he can deny responsibility for the ensuing shitstorm" technique), then he's a bell end. You can do better for yourself than this. It's painful, but blocking contact is the way to go.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 12:59

You're being used. He keeps you 'warm' with flirting text messages, even though he has a girlfriend, and its an ego-boost for him that you're responding and pouring your heart out. Please don't be used any more. He sounds like a bit of a shit and all the time you're wasting mooning over him you could be with someone who genuinely likes you.

BuzzardBird · 04/03/2015 13:03

He is stringing you along.

Imagine how you would feel if you were pregnant with his child and he was stringing someone else along? He is a twat. His girlfriend didn't hold a gun to his head, he decided to get back with her.

Don't be surprised if in the future you hear that he cheated on her with someone else he was stringing along. People like this can't help themselves.

Surely you deserve better than that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 13:05

BTW... if you think you're the only girl he has on a string, think again. If he hasn't got several women that he chats to on messengers or texts regularly etc... the modern equivalent of 'a little black book' .... I'll eat my hat.

DayLillie · 04/03/2015 13:05

This is a man who is trying to keep all his options open instead of focussing on his responsibilities.

I would keep out of his mess.

tribpot · 04/03/2015 13:06

He does sound like a messer. He sounds awful actually, and I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

If he actually wanted to be with you, he would be. He's just using you for the ego boost whilst he lives with someone else.

All that 'I'd be so jealous if you had a boyfriend crap' is so manipulative. It doesn't mean anything, it's just designed to keep you on the hook.

Honestly the best favour you could do for yourself is to tell your friend. Blow it up, get it out in the open and walk away. For all you know he's exchanging messages like this with a number of other girls. All the while you're pining and missing out on the chance of finding someone who will treat you with some respect.

AuntieDee · 04/03/2015 13:06

Don't waste your time on someone who won't waste theirs on you!

What sort of man would actively pursue someone to cheat on their pregnant girlfriend? Do you honestly think that if you go together he would treat you any differently?

Get some self respect and find someone who adores you and only you xxx

simonettavespucci · 04/03/2015 13:12

This is not going to end well. He's betraying his gf and using you for reassurance - he knows how you feel and is playing you.

Get right out, ideally telling him he's a twat on the way, but only if you can face it. And then spend some time thinking about why you are attracted to this situation. I suspect there's some sort of insecurity or hurt in your past or you would not even consider getting involved in such an obvious mess.

You need to deal with that so that your next relationship can be happy and drama free.

Original poster
louisedinah · 04/03/2015 13:16

Thanks for your honest responses .
I feel like a fool but I'm just pleased I haven't slept with Him.
Bet he has lots of girls ,my friend always tells me she doesn't trust him ( and that's her brother )
He doesn't live with he's girlfriend he still lives with he's mum .
I have deleted he's number and if he texts I will ignore him ..I do deserve better and so does he's girlfriend ..

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/03/2015 13:23

Good for you, OP. You're doing the right thing.

alwayslookingforsomething · 04/03/2015 13:46

Well done Louise

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 13:46

Well done OP. Your friend says she doesn't trust him but does she actually know that he's been stringing you along, sending you these texts etc? And of course he still lives with mum at 33 .... dead mature and responsible.... Hmm

Original poster
louisedinah · 04/03/2015 13:49

She knows in the past but I told her he had stopped .
I always have the best intentions not to speak to him but I always end up replying if he sends me a hello message or you ok ..just because I don't want to be ignorant .
I know he's not exactly mature he's girlfriend who is pregnant now he dumped her last year for another girl and when she dumped him he got back with he's no girlfriend
Sometimes you don't realise how stupid you've been till you write it all down ??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:04

'Stupid' is not a nice thing to call yourself :) People like this man crop up in your life from time to time and, if you're lacking in self-esteem or you're at a low ebb personally in some other way, it's easy to imagine there's some kind of relationship forming on the strength of very little. Where it really starts to be damaging is when you compromise your values and standards.... you're already the emotional 'OW', you've lied to your friend about the contact.... that's a quick way to not like yourself. So learn from the experience rather than carrying on making the same mistake or calling yourself stupid.

Are you short on male company? Do you find it difficult to get boyfriends?

AuntieDee · 04/03/2015 14:24

Please go one further and block his number so there won't be any temptation to call/reply if you are feeling wobbly...

The best way to get over someone is to cut all contact I promise!

I was in a similar situation with someone stringing me along. He was my best friend from being a child and he strung me along until I was 25! It really messed with me developing relationships as he would get involved again if he saw I was getting close. It all ended when he moved to the opposite end of the country. It was the best thing he could have done - I am now with a loving man and we are expecting our first child. If we had still been friends I cannot see me ever having settled down :(

Original poster
louisedinah · 04/03/2015 14:34

I currently care for my mum who is pretty ill at the moment so am feeling low and sometimes it's nice to have someone giving me that attention even if it is scraps of nothing ,
I get asked out on dates quite a bit and most of the time feel quite happy with myself but I never go because I've been hurt in the past and the thought of getting to know a total stranger from the beginning again seems like a lot of work ..

OP posts:
Original poster
louisedinah · 04/03/2015 14:35

And when a guy I like does talk to me I back away because I think it will never work out and it's silly really

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 14:39

Get away from him. I never understood this. When I was 28 and childfree, I would not touch a man with kids, much less a pregnant girlfriend, with a 10-foot barge pole. Just yuk.

You deserve someone without all this baggage.

AuntieDee · 04/03/2015 14:40

I loved going on dates once I had cut ties :) if it doesn't work, you have lost nothing - only gained the opportunity to find someone who IS right for you xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:40

You're being hurt now, I'm afraid. He's unavailable, he's not a nice person and the attention is all fake. It'll never work out with him but he'll waste big chunks of your life letting you think it will.

Do go on some dates if you get asked. Not everyone is a shit and, at least if you're looking them in the eye while you're getting to know them, you can form a judgement. You need real life friends, not some malicious little text-pal blowing smoke up your arse.