Confronting EX over EA and now feel awful, and a mess

[ohsotired45]

I posted a while ago on the separation thread and got some really helpful replies, but it was suggested to me that this is a busier board and might be better in future.

My story is very long so I won't get into it all again. But at around xmas time, I made the very difficult decision to refer myself to Women's Aid as a survivor of EA, because (for various reasons) I felt I'd hit a brick wall at 18 months, where initially I'd been so happy to be free, but it was all crumbling down around me again.

We have a child and share custody. No major issues there although personally I'd like to have her 90% not 50/50 (and she has regularly started waking in the night and telling me not to take her back to daddy's - and that is completely unprompted or led by me, I am careful not to talk to her about any of this) I don't have concerns about her safety there, I just think she and I have a very close bond and she wants her mummy. She's only little.

The problem has been that once I did the very thorough referral process with WA, I had nowhere to take all the feelings this opened up. Like so many services, you have to wait months and months to be seen. The survivor's group won't be available until April. And once I opened up, I hit what I guess is the angry stage. I hate what he did to me, and that I allowed it to happen. I hate that he forced us to pretend we split amicably and that none of our friends knew the truth.

I do have some telephone CBT sessions at the moment, thank goodness, but he freely admits he has no DV/EA experience but he does his best to listen and help.

I had a recent realisation that I was never going to get better unless I confronted ex about his behaviour, which he always refused to discuss when we were together, apologise for or even discuss when we split. We were together for 10 years. And I have always held back from truly confronting him, because I didn't want him to retaliate by being unpleasant, or making our custody agreements awkward or messing me about.

And then I thought - I have the right to tell him what he did to me, and not live in fear of his reaction. I can't go on like this. So I did, and I wrote a letter. I kept it calm and factual, but I was very blunt. I told him that everything is on record with the agencies that I'm involved with, my barrister, and made it clear that this is very serious, that he is responsible for the damage he caused me, that none of it is my fault, and that I have the right to finally tell him what he has done without living in fear of retaliation.

I don't expect a reply, or an apology. But the day afterwards, I now feel literally sick with shock and fear. Maybe it's because it's the first time I've truly confronted him about it, but I am not coping well in my head. I can make sure my LO is loved, cared for and do everything that needs doing at home, but my head is a mess. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I can't focus on work. I don't know what to do with all of this in my head. I want to feel better and I don't regret sending it, but I hate feeling like this.

If anyone's done something similar I'd be very grateful to hear your stories. Thank you.

This week I've reached near breaking point. I'm not coping with work - the jobs I have on are very intense days, running around for 8-10 hours and physically exhausting. I did 2 days this week, and when I got home at around 7 and could barely walk, my LO was in meltdown. She cannot cope with me not being the only person who takes her to nursery and picks her up. She wouldn't do usual routine of tea, bath, and PJs and accept that I'll get home in time to do bedtime stories and a cuddle. She wants hours of time with me after nursery, because we only have a week together, I think.

She loves my partner but this is a sticking point and I feel very close to saying I can't work unless it's when she's not with us.

Any difficult or pushy clients make me want to crawl back into bed and cry. I'm coming down with a sore throat again, probably my body reacting to stress. I nearly physically could not go to the job yesterday. I took breaks in the ladies, doing deep breathing and trying not to cry.

I had a chat with the head of my LO's nursery yesterday before the job as she offered a catch up session, and told her about my situation with ex. It just made me feel so emotional and wobbly afterwards. She was very kind but said I had to think about whether I could be in the same room as him in future - e.g. at school, they wouldn't be willing to offer two parent night sessions as she gets older. That just made me feel awful and stressed although I know she didn't mean to.

Feeling like I need people to know, and support, and help - but I feel so awful after talking that I can't cope well with normal life.

I'm wondering whether I should just bite the bullet and ask for a citalopram prescription again. I can't carry on like this. And I feel devastated that I have to ask for it, and angry at him.

My friends try to make me feel better, one said "You're amazing at your job, you're an amazing mum and you're engaged to an amazing man" and while I know that is true, it just feels like a separate person to me right now.

Lost this week. Feel awful.

Sounds incredibly tough, I think the week on/week off is incredibly hard for her. It may not be in her best interests. Can you leave earlier when she's with you?

I've had such an insane week. I had that face to face chat with my dad - we have reached a new understanding. It was strange but much needed, and a change from the 'aren't we a lovely family' narrative we are used to.

Following further messages from ex regarding using a solicitor for the divorce: he took offence(!!!) when I suggested it might not be as big a deal to him as it is to me!!!!!!!!!! Then started reinterpreting our previous convo about it (Oct 2013) and asked if we could speak!!!! OMG! I told him I did not wanto to subject myself to further excuses and that he would get no sympathy from me: than any pain he had endured I had had x10 from the years 2003-2013. He then said he wanted to apologise to me!!!!!!!! So we could communicate better.....

Reader: he rang me. Apologised, in a superficial way, saying he has 'let himself down' and that he was responsible for a significant amount of the marriage breakdown.

It was weird having a telephone conversation with Hun. He sounded vacuous and immature. I worry slightly (only slightly) for his new gf. If I met him now having learned what I've learned, I would laugh at him and would not touch with a barge pole.

It was a very two dimensional experience, hearing him apologise. I am more happy that I said what I wanted to say. I told him I wanted the most belt-and-braces divorce possible because of what he has put me through.

I'm glad he knows this. He is forever a two dimensional prick. But I do somehow feel more at peace. One more step: divorce - then I am really free.

ohso are you going to see the GP? Can you have a day off work tomorrow? I feel for you. Are you leaning on your partner enough?

Hi Handywoman, hope you are feeling better after that conversation with your ex. I hate talking directly to my ex, so I know how you feel. It sounds like a narcissist apology - insincere and more about placating his own mind. Well done on still speaking your mind about the divorce and what you need to get it done quickly. That probably brought you more peace than hearing what he had to say! Have you had some movement on the divorce since?

I think if my ex apologised he would be much the same, and I wouldn't want to hear it as it would wind me up more than anything else. He never could say sorry in our ten years together, so he's unlikely to start now.

Don't feel badly about his new GF, she's not your responsibility. I have no idea how my ex is with his partner and I don't want to know. I simply told my ex that he isn't to tell me anything about his life. Hearing anything about their life in what was my home, and having a baby, will just link me to painful memories from my past. If he's being nice to her, why was he so horrible to me? This is not a case where you can say let's be friends, rise about it. It's actually better to know as little as possible, to protect myself from hurt right now.

I reached breaking point last week but I've worked out a lot of it was connected to the job, which was horrible. I'm not accepting it again next year, if I'm asked. I work for myself, so jobs are on random dates and times. Sometimes very long days. My partner and I don't have to deal with this kind of problem all the time, but juggling the pressure of the job at hand with being a mum to a very clingy toddler is really hard. I did reach out and talk with a couple of women who work in the field and have similar work/life situations, which helped. A few other friends told me they would have felt the same way working on such a stressful job and would have turned it down. So a lot of food for thought there.

I do still wonder if I'm too fragile for much beyond part time work though. I need a lot of headspace to get through jobs and finish them. If I was doing this day in, day out, I know I couldn't cope right now.

My partner helps me a lot, and just listens. He said I scared him last week because he could see how close I was to breaking down, and agrees that I have to be careful in what jobs I take on.

I don't have a close relationship with my GP, but at my request he referred me for counselling in October which is finally coming through. I don't think he could do anything else for me unless I wanted to try ADs again. Which I don't, although last week I was close!

Re: counselling, I had a voicemail from the therapist and I was gutted -she sounds the wrong fit for me - an elderly quavering voice. I've had a gut instinct about therapists before and I'm usually right, and I have the feeling she'll be the type of person centred counsellor who says "oh dear, that must have been hard" and doesn't go anywhere. I've had a couple before. Of course I do need to meet her at least once. I need someone dynamic and who will challenge me. I have a very complicated past with the EA and a difficult childhood, some very tricky stuff from my teens and 20s too. I may have to ask for a different therapist. I'm disappointed as the woman who assessed me was brilliant, I told her so much and I really hoped to be paired with someone like her. I might ask if I can see her, it can't hurt to try.

My LO was devastated to leave again this morning. It hurt a lot. I need to bide my time before we look at trying to change our custody arrangements into a pattern that's better for her. Probably after the baby arrives. Right now, he would think I was just trying to keep her away from him.