Confronting EX over EA and now feel awful, and a mess

[ohsotired45]

I posted a while ago on the separation thread and got some really helpful replies, but it was suggested to me that this is a busier board and might be better in future.

My story is very long so I won't get into it all again. But at around xmas time, I made the very difficult decision to refer myself to Women's Aid as a survivor of EA, because (for various reasons) I felt I'd hit a brick wall at 18 months, where initially I'd been so happy to be free, but it was all crumbling down around me again.

We have a child and share custody. No major issues there although personally I'd like to have her 90% not 50/50 (and she has regularly started waking in the night and telling me not to take her back to daddy's - and that is completely unprompted or led by me, I am careful not to talk to her about any of this) I don't have concerns about her safety there, I just think she and I have a very close bond and she wants her mummy. She's only little.

The problem has been that once I did the very thorough referral process with WA, I had nowhere to take all the feelings this opened up. Like so many services, you have to wait months and months to be seen. The survivor's group won't be available until April. And once I opened up, I hit what I guess is the angry stage. I hate what he did to me, and that I allowed it to happen. I hate that he forced us to pretend we split amicably and that none of our friends knew the truth.

I do have some telephone CBT sessions at the moment, thank goodness, but he freely admits he has no DV/EA experience but he does his best to listen and help.

I had a recent realisation that I was never going to get better unless I confronted ex about his behaviour, which he always refused to discuss when we were together, apologise for or even discuss when we split. We were together for 10 years. And I have always held back from truly confronting him, because I didn't want him to retaliate by being unpleasant, or making our custody agreements awkward or messing me about.

And then I thought - I have the right to tell him what he did to me, and not live in fear of his reaction. I can't go on like this. So I did, and I wrote a letter. I kept it calm and factual, but I was very blunt. I told him that everything is on record with the agencies that I'm involved with, my barrister, and made it clear that this is very serious, that he is responsible for the damage he caused me, that none of it is my fault, and that I have the right to finally tell him what he has done without living in fear of retaliation.

I don't expect a reply, or an apology. But the day afterwards, I now feel literally sick with shock and fear. Maybe it's because it's the first time I've truly confronted him about it, but I am not coping well in my head. I can make sure my LO is loved, cared for and do everything that needs doing at home, but my head is a mess. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I can't focus on work. I don't know what to do with all of this in my head. I want to feel better and I don't regret sending it, but I hate feeling like this.

If anyone's done something similar I'd be very grateful to hear your stories. Thank you.

Hi OhSo, I've just walked away from an EA relationship too and know how tough it can be. I really feel for you and recognise your description of "panic mode", it's a horrible feeling but I signed up just to let you know what I do in the hope that it'll help.

1. Take some deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth), I know it's a cliché but it's a good place to start.

1. Think about the worst possible outcome. When in panic mode it often helps to pinpoint exactly what you're scared of, the feeling of 'something' or 'everything' going wrong is partly a fear of the unknown. If you think of the worst possible outcome you can start to think of ways to deal with it if it happens (which it almost certainly won't).

1. Visualise what you would do in your worst case scenario. What will you say and how will you react if the worst happens? Practise in your head and it won't be quite so scary (it's a bit like thinking of a witty retort hours after it would have been useful but the other way round! ). Then when your subconscious brain says "OMG!! XXX IS ALL GOING TO GO WRONG!!!" your concious brain can reply with "Well, that's OK because if it does I'll just...".

This step is optional but

1. Mope for a bit, it's OK! You're feeling down so it's natural to feel a bit sorry for yourself, you're not letting anyone down by doing this. Have a cry, it's good to let it out.

1. Pull yourself together and do something, anything at all, the activity itself will make you feel better.

I had a bad day yesterday, was feeling very down and very hard done by. I had errands to run in the morning but when I got home I just sat in my car for half an hour crying, then I came inside and cried a bit more. I kept telling myself this was OK (I was always told that I was stupid to get upset over the spiteful things that were said and done to me, that I was making a fuss over nothing, causing trouble or that I was telling lies about what was said to me.). After my totally OK mope I figuratively gave myself a slap round the face and said to myself "That's enough of that! Put on some music and bake something!" So I did! I felt tons better and my family got to enjoy a lemon drizzle cake - win/win!

Also nothing seems quite so bad when you have cake.

I know everyone is different and this may sound like awful advice to some but it works for me and I hope it helps you too.

Good luck OhSo.

I am a lot further on that you are now, but I will say I felt just like you. It is so unfair, and why should they get away with it. But in time you will end up just not caring and it won't be the first thing you think about when you wake up at 3am. The opposite of love is not hate, it is complete and utter indifference. When you reach that stage you will be free of him. Keep on keeping on or sommat - you will be fine.

Well, what a rubbish day. After I typed that, I did a few jobs that I needed to do, to be prepared for tomorrow - and then I just couldn't keep my eyes open, and slept for 4.5 hours solid. In the day. I never do that. And the thought of tramping out to collect my LO from nursery now, and doing tea time and bathtime and all that and not sitting down until 8 PM is just feeling like too much. (She's absolutely lovely, but a handful.)

This has hit me so much harder than I expected. Sheer emotional exhaustion from living with it in my head and finally confronting it, I guess.

I do do lots of the things suggested. We go out as a family (she calls my partner Second Daddy), I've been baking and cooking more, I do my online CBT sessions and have weekly phone calls, I try deep breathing... but I've opened a can of horrible, ugly worms.

This week has exhausted me. And I have a massive job tomorrow where expectations are high, and the thought is pretty damn scary. I'll have to get through it somehow, as I have a very strong moral code where I wouldn't let a client down, but it's going to be very, very tough. I have thie daft thought where I wish I had a spare robot copy of me that I could send out in my place.

I'm worried how long it will take for me to feel better after having written and sent it. I can't carry on like thing for very long. I have too much to do.

What do you want to happen now that you've sent it, OP?

It's good that you've slept. And it's ok to find the daily drudge too much sometimes. Be kind to yourself.

I'm separating from a similar version of your Ex too. Although we are still in the same house, I seem to have reached that stage of indifference (for the moment!).

I think I realized that his behavior was all about him, and actually had very little to do with me at all. I figured out that his accusations of me being unreasonable and angry etc were bullshit. Arguments are normal, but his method of arguing was not.

But mostly I posted to share what someone said to me some years ago, and has probably saved my sanity...... "it's ok to be angry, to cry, to be upset. Get as angry as you want till the emotions are sorted but no matter what you do, Don't get bitter. Bitterness is the thing that will destroy you from the inside out."

This too shall pass x

I do feel bitter, sometimes. When I first left, I was so happy to be free that it was enough. Then I hit a wall.

I am not coping with the fact we have to stay in touch because of our child. I despise him.

I despise the fact that he is playing happy families in my former home, with a woman he got pregnant at the same time he was begging me for more time to get it to market because they'd only just moved in together, and that they are "delighted" with their "happy news". When he was a horrible, horrible person to me when our LO was born.

I am bitter that I can't be free of him and just have my LO to myself.

I had to write the letter to get it off my chest, I just didn't anticipate how exhausted & angry it would make me feel and re-open some of the above thoughts.

I'm not expecting any result from it.

I just want to be free of my unhappy past. Like the Eternal Sunshine film, where they can erase memories...

You are allowed to be angry and feel bitter - but it will fade in time. You will have good days and bad days and soon enough the bad days will be fewer and you will recover quicker.

I too felt the same - my ex treated me so appallingly after giving birth that it ruined those precious first few weeks and months. I wonder if he has done it with his new family. I actually hope he hasn't as I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But it is horrid to think he did that to you and not to them. But people don't change. An abusive man isn't cured just because he is in a new relationship. He is the same man.

You can't easily erase memories. Takes years to get over a deep personal trauma, even if you're not in touch with the cause all the time. It's just my personal experience but I think you can eventually push bad old memories into the background.... rather than erase them entirely.... If you make a real effort to create new, better memories.

It may sound trivial, but some people find it very therapeutic to change things they shared with a former partner. Anything from decoration and furnishings in the home, to music you listened to together, gifts they gave you, to favourite places you used to visit. Even food and drink can remind you of someone.

I'll write more later, but I made myself do the job & it went well - so that's a positive. Night all.

That's awesome, congrats to you

Glad your job went well. You never know what you're capable of until you're forced to dig deep. Have a good weekend.

Hi again everyone. I'd like to say a sincere thank you again for all the comments. After a really low xmas/Jan and some of Feb, it's been really hard to get back on the horse of trying to feel better by forcing myself to work on my online CBT, but deciding to talk on here again has also really helped. It's so helpful to share, and with other people who have had similar experiences. It helps you to feel that you weren't over reacting, that it was real - that this did happen, and it is painful and hard to get over. I have felt so alone sometimes and it was drowning me.

Currentnameinuse - I'm so sorry you had the same problems as me. It was so damaging, disappointing and scary not to be supported in the way I expected to be in those early, difficult days. I hope you are ok. I agree that it put a definite dent in the happiness I had hoped for. I have often felt an acute sense of loss over what could have been. I was made to feel so ashamed and a failure for getting PND and needing help. It's still hard for me to see what looks like a happy couple pushing a newborn in a pretty pram, looking knackered but happy, and holding hands.

Cogito, bang on again. I have got rid of many things that remind me of my ex. I even made some much needed cash selling old gold, I gave away a lot (I had to move twice in a year, urgh) and I've even changed most of my clothes (thanks to having an excellent knack for charity shopping thanks to my mum - being on a ridiculously tight budget) and I have a completely new look too. There are definitely certain restaurants and bars that I'd avoid too, but I have a lovely circle of friends and it's at least easy to do new things that way.

Out of the blue, I finally got a letter for a face to face CBT assessment for tomorrow. It's just that, an assessment - but I can get an idea of when I might be seen. My telephone one is very kind and I will make the most of it for now,but I'm looking forward to seeing a therapist face to face.

Making myself do that job last week was a killer, but - I did it. I have a fair bit of work this month, new enquiries coming in and a new possible job on the side that would be a great flexible side earner. I'm going to have to make myself just grit my teeth and get on with it even if I'm feeling low but I'm hoping it'll get a little easier each time.

When I think of how despondent I was even three weeks ago, it feels so very different. My phone therapist said I need to be proud of myself, something I definitely find hard to do (long history of being squashed down by not only ex, but old family stuff.) I definitely didn't anticipate feeling so exhausted by writing that letter, but it has helped. I've said my piece, and he knows how many agencies are involved - so it's not been just a case of me saying "this is what happened" but actually telling him where I've gone for help, on the record. I even told my LO's school (I hadn't planned on it, but I got upset at drop off one morning and the school's parent/social work specialist happened to be there.) I don't ever anticipate a response. And if he retaliates, (which he hasn't so far) I won't take it - I've made it clear - (using all legal avenues of course, nothing silly or dramatic.)

Thanks again all x

Update: I need a little handholding today. Or maybe more like a friendly online mini smack to tell me to not feel guilty.

Letter sent re: EA to ex last week. Very kind comments here from people saying of course you feel sick after sending it, you've gone against 10 years of being told you're not being emotionally abused - well 12 years really, coming up to 2 since we split and I'm still dealing with it as we'd never discussed it...

That helped a lot. I was feeling better, and stronger. Then when ex picked up our LO on Monday things flared up. She said something to him that could be perceived to be connected to what I wrote to him about, and he emailed me immediately, saying what what said and had it come from me. One, I do not discuss this stuff around our LO, she's too young and it wouldn't be appropriate. Second, it wasn't true or anything I'd raised. I don't know why she did/said it. She's not daft, she knows we're not friends as we never socialise. Maybe she was defending me in her own way? Who knows.

So he was obviously feeling pretty sensitive, and said after my email last week, he was worried she's hearing things and would then repeat them at nursery etc. (And of course, I noticed immediately that he's only worried about how this affects him... again...)

I cut it fairly short but we did get dragged into an email discussion about it, and my message came up. I had said last week "I don't want a reply" (because I thought it would just turn into a debate, or him as usual, finding a way to defend or deny things) but we did end up discussing it, a bit, because he asked about what our LO had said. He got snarky (quelle surprise) and I shouldn't have, but I did say "I don't want a reply but I do hope you seriously think about the damage you've caused etc" Then I did at least have the sense to realise this was going to turn ugly fast, I ended it and said "no more discussion - but you can be assured I don't talk to LO about this, or bad mouth you to her. You have read it, and I have said it. We have to agree that she has an imagination just like any pre schooler and will sometimes say things that aren't true, for reasons we don't fully know."

This was around the same time I had a CBT assessment yesterday, that was 1.5 hours long and very good, but very hard, as you can expect. Felt totally drained and sleepy afterwards, and a bit in shock from talking about so many things at once. The therapist was great and said I'd been through hell, and was doing really well to try and move on and cope but I could do with help getting my head around some things - she thinks I need counselling, not CBT to get some closure on these final relationship issues.

Today I have felt massively, massively guilty about my letter. I even thought about sending a quick message to say sorry it was out of the blue, no warning, and it must have been a shock to be fair. (Don't worry, I'm not going to send it. But it crossed my mind.) Here I am, still worried about what he thinks when it took me so much courage to finally confront him. I had a big meeting this afternoon so that helped distract me but it's been on my mind.

I guess what I should be thinking it "Yeah, bet it was a shock - but if he hadn't done all these things in the first place I wouldn't have had to send it." WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY? Why does this hook still exist?

Also wondering if there is a EA survivors thread someone can point out to me on here. I've seen the one for people currently in relationships, but not out of them. Probably being a bit slow because I'm feeling wobbly but any links gratefully received.

Sorry this is long. GAH.

You feel guilty because he conditioned you to put his feelings before your own. Well done for sending the letter. This is all progress but you feel churned up whenever you engage with this sort of "man"

Thank you. Yes, any sort of engaging doesn't go well. I'd set up a minimal contact order in the new year, but obviously this has initiated a bit of contact again. Which I have at least stopped now... I got dragged into far too many email discussions last year.

I guess I know him so well - that he'll be at home feeling very sorry for himself, hurt, stressed... On one hand I don't care at all and think he's such an arse! But the guilt today annoyed me.

ohso just wanted to share my own particular wobble.

my stbxh is refusing to cooperate with my proposal to divorce via a solicitor (wants to do one of those online things) a few texts went too and fro' yesterday, they really left me ruffled and upset.

I was on call yesterday my dad comes round (to help stbxh who needs to get off to work) to have the kids 0730-0845 in case I get called away. Last night stbxh took the kids out with his new girlfriend. They came back saying how he is off to on a European city break this weekend instead of taking dd out on her birthday which was the original plan. They were also full of stories of how he is buying a huge house with new gf.

My Dad was saying how stbxh has 'landed on his feet' and how I will just have to suck all of this up and move on.

Yeah right.

So EA stbxh gets what he has always wanted - character 3 bed house with period features (when we were together he was obsessed about borrowing amounts of utterly unaffordable money, so that he would have the trappings he felt he deserved, despite never once opening a bank statement or attempting to control spending/budget - years ago he ground me down and took out money against the house to buy a car, when the car arrived he actually said the words 'now I feel we have a car befitting of our status' )....... And I get to bring up the kids, single handed (he can't even make dd1 a packed lunch when she stays at his, never washes clothes, hasn't bought them a toothbrush even, forgets to take school holidays and can't be relied upon to even get up on time to get dc ready for school). But this is apparently OK and not remarked upon in my family.

And now i also get to listen to my own dad commenting on how well things are going for him while I face putting my hand in my pocket and funding my divorce 100% so that it gets done properly because he can't even do a decent thing once and cooperate with me on this one. last. thing.

I'm afraid I lost it with my dad today, I started texting him and my text turned into a rant about feeling like I am part of a pact where the truth of stbxh awful behaviour/hatred/contempt/abuse can never be spoken.

I have broken the unspoken rule of my family, ie nobody 'freaks out' or has any messy emotional outbursts - they just aren't the done thing.

Now I don't know what to do next.

I am a mess

.......and back to square one.

sorry for thread hijack moment

Handywoman please feel free to vent anytime!

I had financial problems with my ex too, everything on credit and a daydream, he too felt he deserved the nice things in life... caused huge problems... so I understand how you feel.

With your dad, I don't know the dynamics of how you get on, but surely he can understand how it would be hard to hear things? I too can feel upset when I hear a friend talking about a holiday or buying a posh dress... it hurts when you are stuck financially. I would apologise for maybe "losing it" or not expressing yourself in the way you'd like to, but explain what is hard, does he know you're struggling financially? Could he help?

Dad might be stoic practical type who thinks "move on" and I'd guess a lot of parents of a certain generation might be that way. But he could be more sensitive and kind about how he says it. Don't listen to him. Go to the friends who do understand and know how to listen and not make you feel bad.

I wasn't married & don't know anything about divorce. Can he force you to do it in a certain way? Has it been over 2 years - you could just file yourself in court (I think?) for £200?

More in a bit, OH just coming in. Big hugs x

Handywoman, are you feeling any better today?

It sounds like your dad doesn't know what's been going on. Hiding EA is impossible & harmful to your health. The more I've slowly revealed, the better I've felt. The family rule of not freaking out is a daft British thing (I'm not) - get it said & aired & work on it, help each other out.

Pick your battles, a friend told me. If ex was hopeless with kids he will continue unless he decides to make an effort. Send kids in clothes you don't mind missing as they'll likely RL up in all sorts of daft ill fitting wear. Do the best job you can when they are with you.

He will be full of stories about his axing new house and this & that - it stings but it can only sting as much as you want it to. And I bet it's fairly exaggerated or untrue, or worse yet - more debt.

A friend said "try to think of everything that comes out of his mouth as utter rubbish & you'll start to laugh at how ridiculous the things that come out start to sound." It takes time but it's true.

I'm crazy tired so I'll stop for now but let us know how you're doing x

Thanks ohsotired so lovely of you to be thinking of me.

My Dad responded to my text - we haven't spoken on the phone or face to face yet. He says he is sorry he has been inept and not known about the hurt, he asked what he should do because he only wants to help.

I replied I need him to stop talking about ex as though he is a reasonable person. I referred to ex as a narcissistic abisive arse. Which is what he is. My dad said he had no idea how much pain was involved for me. I said, the kids are always around so it's not possible to have those conversations. And that, well, nobody actually asked what it is like....

I also told my dad that staying with the ex nearly crushed me mentally and physically. And that leaving has involved more pain and zero validation - I iust get to watch him swan off and reincarnate. While I'm left to bring up the kids.

So the truth about my feelings is coming out. By text. Which is for the best because when we are face to face I am so used to protecting my Dad from the ugly stuff.

My dd2 has a birthday today, I'm busy with that. Am having lunch with my dad on Monday.

I feel drained but also like some of the pain is leaving my body. I think it's part of the recovery. There is so much hurt. I should have left him when dd1 was a small baby. Because the writing was on the wall then. Instead I stuck it out for ten more years.

Tasty ex Facetimed dd2 this morning (he never bothered to do stuff like that until new gf) I could hear him laughing and being jolly. I could hear the emptiness of it. He is devoid of real emotion - I am going to keep reminding myself that like a mantra.

I hope that by Monday my dad has Googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then he will genuinely learn what I've been through.

Thanks for thinking of me, ohso

Hope you are ok

Handywoman - I think having a text convo with your Dad is really good. Yes, he has been inept and thoughtless, but you are able to communicate that to him now without raised voices and anger. That is good.

As for your ex - well I wouldn't envy his new reincarnated life. Seems to me like it is all on credit - and I am sure it will all come crashing down around his ears with alarming force at some point in the not too distant future.

I had a busy few days & just remembered to log on & check in during my Sunday night potter! I just noticed all the typos in my previous post, must have been knackered.

I too think it's great you have made progress with your dad, Handywoman, & that he wants to help. You've said he didn't understand how bad it was and I've found that a lot too - you live with your past constantly in your head so it's easy to get upset when you feel misunderstood, but EA is often so well hidden & behind closed doors that people don't spot it.

Communication has to start somewhere & also, I often find it easier to write things down & consider my words when it's something hard to say. Now it should be easier to start to talk a bit more in person. My ex used to shut me down all the time too - I was very scared to bring anything up & when I did, it rarely went very well. He'd say I was overreacting, imagining or (his favourite term) "always making it all about you." It damaged my ability to communicate generally. So that might be why it felt hard too?

Today I didn't have my LO and I felt a lot of pain with it being mother's day. My feed was full of happy posts about nice meals, flowers and handmade cards. I got zilch. Not even an email with a photo of her waving. I know this is a punishment for writing him the letter, and it feels so unfair. Especially when I granted him a Skype session on Christmas Day with his new partner, who I want nothing to do with. I left LO at the laptop and sat & cried in the bathroom, but I did it for her. He is such an ARSE!

It's unfair that I had to live with it for 10 years, then had to act like it didn't happen for 2 years after I left because he was insistent that we parted amicably, and hide it from nearly everyone because I was so shut down. And it's unfair that I have to seek help and therapy that is exhausting as well as doing good, and takes up a lot of mental energy. And now it's even more unfair that because I chose to confront him & spell out his behaviour, I am being punished by petty acts and frosty emails even though a normal person would be horrified if they knew they'd hurt someone that much, and apologise.

I am at an angry stage. But I get her back tomorrow & we'll have a belated Mother's Day cuddle then.

Massive hugs to you ohsotired

My ARSE of an ex also does not bother to help the girls with Mother's Day.

Dd1 is now 11 and marshalled herself and her sis to make home made cards yesterday morning. The words dd1 wrote made me cry!

Agree wholeheartedly re the mental energy of recovering. At the moment I am totally drained.

I texted ex last night telling him to do the right thing and divorce properly using a solicitor. Let's see what happens. Am meeting my dad for lunch today.

I'm so sorry you are being punished in this way. It's painful and utterly unfair. Getting closure when you have kids with an EA ex seems impossible. There only seems to be a series of opportunities for further kicks in the teeth.

Hope you get that special cuddle today. You are a amazing mum ohso by virtue if leaving this abusive arse.

That's so sweet that your DDs made cards. Had mine been with me, my OH would have organised something. It's just tricky when we have a week on, week off. Apparently they made mother's day stuff at nursery last week (I saw it in the newsletter) It'll be interesting to see if any of it is in her bag when I collect her later.

I'm feeling very raw and blue today and trying to shake it off. Definitely no sense of closure today, and instrusive thoughts.

My OH told me to stop fixating on him in my mind this morning and I know he's right. I have days/times where I am much better at pushing it from my mind, but I think things are still a bit too fresh because of the letter fall out, the CBT assessment and then pangs because of mother's day. I've also had to chase him for something important which he's only drip feeding info about, and he continues to refuse to give me his partner's mobile number and email for my emergency file, even though he has my OH's number and email. It's his way of saying he thinks I'm going to start ringing her up and being a crazy ex. I have never ever phoned him up for a drama, and nor has my OH. It's so insulting and also impractical, because if something happened to him during his week, the way things stand at the moment, I would quite literally have to turn up with my keys for the old house and let myself in to get my daughter. I know there might not be an emergency imminent, but it's best to be prepared. He is not one to be very prepared and is pretty lax about things, apart from him actual paid work.

I have loads to do today and I'm slowly working through my list, one step at a time, then taking 5 minutes break - but it's very hard work. I'm going to take a break now and get her bedroom ready and do her weekly food shop, which will give me some comfort. It always makes me feel good to get the house ready for her.

Thank you for your kinds words Handywoman. I do try my best to be a good mum. I'm sure you are fab too!

Do you do one week on one week off with dd, ohso? That's hard. Hope you have a lovely evening with her.

Re the refusing to give OW contact details - sounds like he doesn't want anyone to get access to the real picture. So like my own ex.

Hope your week gets easier and that these feelings lift very soon.

Yes, when we split he insisted we did week on, week off as otherwise it would be "too hard". I've since been advised that this is pretty rare. Oh, and of course then he doesn't have to pay me a penny in maintenance apart from splitting nursery fees, although I was the one who took a major financial hit from having a child and taking a career break, and then broken down further by his behaviour. I was beyond poor when I left, and terrified about how I would manage. Things are much better now thankfully and my OH is amazing, and supports us financially without making me feel guilty or that I'm ever a burden (which is how I was made to feel all the time, before.)

There can be advantages to it, in terms of arranging work or having some personal plans, but it is starting to feel harder, and a long stretch. I think she feels it too. But the battle to change custody arrangements isn't something I'm ready to take on at the moment.

He probably is paranoid that I'll secretly contact her and tell her all about him. I genuinely wouldn't because a) I really prefer not to do drama and b) as conflicted as I am about it, it's not my place and she probably wouldn't listen anyhow.

I feel a little better now after doing some work and organising. One day at a time.

Have a good week too.