Seemingly very nice man - so what's wrong?!

[Datingagain]

I am hoping for some good advice - as I am going round in circles with this!

Having had a completely shitty few years men-wise, which I chatted about on here a fair bit at the time, I finally met a very "nice man" a year and a half ago.

He was seemingly everything I thought I wanted - kind, consistent, responsible, (very) ready for commitment etc. Basically, the complete opposite of my flighty, cheating, commitment-phobe ex (also the father of my child).

So we had a fabulous first year. He's interesting, bright, fun, sociable, and we get on really very well. Slowly I introduced him to friends and family, and finally my child, who he is absolultely lovely with. He wants us to move in together, he wants us to get engaged and married - and says he wants to look after us for ever.

I really should be on cloud 9. So what's wrong with me? I am beginning to wonder, if I am just one of those people who is no good at relationships.

Mostly, when we're together, it's great, but I am finding it really hard to be with him all the time.

We both work and have active social lives - and he is always more than happy for me to go out and about and for him to (sometimes) babysit etc, but quite often, I just want to be on my own.

Not neccessarily out and about, just in, on my own. We are not living together yet, but he spends most nights here (his choice). I don't feel I'm ready to move in and be together "full time", but he is very keen to - and thinks that after a year and a half, I should be ready too.

This is starting to be a massive issue and although he hasn't said anything yet, I can tell that this is going to be a deal-breaker for him. My default on this has been that he's being unreasonable, but actually, if the boot was on the other foot, I'd be pissed off too. Neither of us is terribly young, both in our 40s, so I don't know why I'm stalling.

It'd be easy to just say that he's not the right "one" and that if he were, I'd be rushing into moving in / getting married, but I don't think it's that simple. I really do love him and am very happy with him - in an ideal world, I'd just like for him to be away a few nights a week and for the odd weekend! Although, when my ex used to do this (for work) I hated it.

Maybe I am just not meant to be in a relationship...Though I know that if we did split up, I'd be devastated. I don't think I'd ever find someone who loves me as much as he does. Between ex and him, I did spend the best part of three years on my own - and was very happy. But then did try online dating and getting out and about - and met precisely no-one as nice as him.

Sorry for the essay...just don't know what to do. Would really appreciate any advice! Thanks x

"Unfortunately, for him, I think it needs to be all or nothing. And I do think for my son, that would probably be better too. But I'm just not sure if I can give it 100%."

Even if for HIM it needs to be all or nothing, what about you OP? I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling the way you do nor does it mean you're not cut out for a 'normal' relationship. I know couples who live together yet barely see each other, ones who live apart and see each other a lot. It is what is right for both of you that matters.

I'd be wary of his 6 months in him wanting to look after you forever, get engaged, married etc. It sounds quite stifling to me too. I don't think you need to live together to be fully committed, faithful and loving to each other either. Living apart doesn't mean the relationship is any less important and it shouldn't matter what other people think (or what convention dictates). All that is important is what is right for you.

fwiw I have a friend in a similar situation, she loves having her own space just her and her DC. She likes being in a relationship again after several disastrous ones in the past but doesn't see herself ready or willing to let them move in full-time for the forseeable future. I don't think its that unusual. he would be entirely unreasonable for forcing the issue whilst you were uncomfortable with the pace.

I had a friend who got married and he and his wife lived apart. It worked for them. It is hard changing how you live. I went from my flat (albeit with flatmate) to living with DP and his children. I'd never lived with a partner before and the lack of alone time was hard to adjust to, as well as being around someone else's children 24-7. Has your partner really properly thought about he will handle that? It won't be quite the same as staying over.

"Unfortunately, for him, I think it needs to be all or nothing. And I do think for my son, that would probably be better too. But I'm just not sure if I can give it 100%."

You absolutely CANNOT choose to move your BF in by considering your son's needs ahead of your own. You can reject someone based on their effect on your child, but you can't accept someone based on it.

Haven't read the last page of the thread OP but wanted to chip in anyway because I know what it's like to find an 'ideal man' slightly suffocating. In my own case, I hadn't factored in the introvert issue. I was an introvert so completely lost the ability to function if I couldn't be alone for portions of every day. He found this devastating because he was such an extrovert that he didn't understand it in terms of anything but rejection. That was about incompatibility between us as partners rather than personal issues on my part. (One issue you do mention has to be universally recognised - feeling a slight sense of loss when the adrenalin/excitement decreases a bit as the security and comfort of the known increases.) In my own position, I just remember being in this relationship about fifteen years ago now and so many of the things you've written brought memories back from that time. I felt like my ex was ready to drop everything if necessary, ALL the time and it felt like a burden. I should have asked him to back off, explained that there are times when I want to be on my own, regardless of who else in the house, explained that much as I value him there are times when I specifically don't want to tell him what I'm thinking. It was the feeling of being 'on call'. I couldn't stand it. We broke up eventually over it all - I still look back and think I handled it all wrong.

You've got three choices.

Have a relationship on his terms but that might make you unhappy.

Have a relationship on your terms but explain to him that these are going to be applied and a more interdependent relationship might never be on the cards.

End the relationship.

It sounds like you don't want the first or the last choices so it's time to have a chat. Then, if it isn't for him, this will give him the option to find someone else who is more compatible with him.

he is very keen to - and thinks that after a year and a half, I should be ready too. Er, no. Why should you? If you're not ready, you're not. Part of loving you wholeheartedly is accepting that your feelings are valid. If this means so much to him he will take off the pressure and let you come to this decision (if you do) in your own time. Try not to think that it is you who needs to change your thinking. Maybe he does.

"Independence, contentment, absence of compromise and the ability to just relax and do your own thing are terrific things. Not to be given up lightly!"

This is exactly how I feel.

Didn't OP say that they've been together for 18 months? it's just that he already mentioned commitment after 6 mnths as I understood. everyone seems to jump to negative conclusions regarding the 6 months.

In any case, OP, just be honest and explain to him how you need independent time to yourself, it'very Leo btw, OP. Maybe he'll understand - the worst is just to keep silent which breeds misunderstanding.

Thanks for the great reading material Bertie.

I can identify with this as a single parent who has had a lot of drama I was so happy to get my own place and I love being here with LO. I can't imagine wanting to comprehmise the security i now have I having this place or having someone in it night after night. I might be extreme in that I dont want any man at all but I can certainly understand why op might be holding back.
Time alone is so much more limited when you have dc's maybe he doesn't understand that?

I had this with a man I met after a year. After the honeymoon period wore off I found it smothering for him to be at my home all the time, then ringing, texting, what are you doing conversations. I just wanted to be on my own.

Then I started to find excuses for him not to come over and enjoyed just relaxing at home on my own/with the dc. The relief when I finally ended it was enormous.

You are completely normal. Preserve your time/space. You never have to move in with him if you don't want to. Do it your way.

I think he's rushing you.

You both take the next step when you are both ready and you are not there yet and it has no bearing on how you feel about each other.

Having a child at home creates another dynamic. Personally I wouldn't want to move another man in until I was alone. You can still have a wonderful, loving relationship apart. We did.

The last thing you want is your child and him interacting badly. That will only come back on you and cause great distress.

Far better to wait those couple of years and still have an amazing incredible time. We did.

Some couples counselling may help as to get to the root of why he is in such a rush.

You have a really good relationship right now so why spoil it.

Does he just need the reassurance that you are not going anywhere.

My friend and her partner live apart and have done since they met 8 years ago. They are very much a couple. Very much in love and as much as he would like her to move in she likes her independence for now.

I admire her for it.

He sounds like he honours and respects you so he should be prepared to wait.

I did t realise your child was still young enough to need a babysitter.

I thought he was at that awkward teenage stage.

I'd definitely broach the idea of couples counselling. If he eased back abit you might feel different in another 18 months.

Morning all, just to say thanks so much for everything everyone's taken the time to write - interesting that quite a few of us seem to have been / are in similar situations - and thanks for the great links.

I'm carefully reading everything - and whilst I'm not going to rush into anything, I am thinking about it all - and it's great to know I'm not alone in thinking this way.

I think it's really difficult, when you've been in crappy relationships, to know what's right and what's not.

And to then recognise that just because someone is completely consistent and loving, who says all the right things - and frankly does all the things I always thought I'd wanted - it may still not be right. And I shouldn't just be "grateful" for that.

Add into that some complex family baggage and it's tricky.

But I'm reading and will continue posting as I work through this. Thanks x

Yes - in fact the 18 month point made me think the other day but I didn't get a chance to post, and then I forgot :( Sorry.

I was wondering if this is his first experience of dating a woman with children. 18 months is quite a usual/reasonable time to expect to move in with somebody in a normal relationship, but when children are involved it is not the same. I had realised from reading the thread through again that he was feeling ready for the next stage of commitment and was confused/frustrated that you aren't.

When you have a child, somebody moving in is not the companionable, relaxed experimental kind of phase it can be when you are a single person in a relationship. You don't really get time to settle in together, work out your clashes and differences in the same way. Instead it's like jumping into marriage - something you'd want to be even surer of when there is a child involved. But the reality is, when somebody moves in they are an everyday feature of your child's life, and it would be a really big deal if they had to move out again, so you do sort of need to be sure that you're making a commitment for a long time. I don't think you can really know that after 18 months, and although I have heard of relationships moving faster when both parties are over 40, this doesn't really apply if you're not so sure of your own judgement.

The reality is that when you move somebody in it's difficult at first. You're thrown straight into family life with them in a stepparent position. It takes time for you to be comfortable with them doing any discipline, care etc for your child so for a while they are there and might help out with housework etc but mainly you're still doing everything which can feel odd. It puts your parenting under the microscope, bad days and mistakes and all, and they begin to feel they have a say, which might not go down well, especially if you are feeling a bit apprehensive or guarded about it anyway, or if they have unrealistic ideas about children because they don't have any or because they have never lived with theirs full time. If you need to have arguments/discussions/disagreements etc over things like housework, bills, food, all things which are hard to really hash out before experiencing how much the other's washing up technique (or whatever) bothers you, so you have to have those arguments in front of the child or grit your teeth and hiss-whisper at each other until she's in bed, by which time one of two things have probably happened: You've worked yourself each into a frenzy of frustration, or you've calmed down enough you let it go because you can't be bothered now, but the issue doesn't go away. If she is older than about 7, she might also push boundaries and her relationship with him right from the start. It's easier somewhat with a younger child because they tend to be adoring to anybody who is nice to them and save worse behaviour for someone they feel safe with. But an older child has the confidence and knowledge to know that a non-parent can't or won't punish them, and can feel pushed out or like they have to reassert their place in the family when a stepparent comes along. That can be tricky to manage.

Lastly it can be very difficult to suddenly adjust to life with a child around if he has been used to living alone, and seeing you only adult to adult. You do lose a lot of that. Your time together is not quite the same. It makes sense to have a stable base for the relationship first.

For those reasons, it's much better to keep things moving more slowly. That doesn't mean that the relationship has to stall. You can move from seeing each other separately to spending longer times together - weekends or him coming over several evenings etc and work spending time with DD into the relationship as well. Spend time in each others' space, take holidays together, get comfortable around each other just relaxing and doing your normal thing rather than "dating" - and you'll get a much better feeling for whether you're ready to move in together. But 18 months is really very early. (There's a weird time continuum as well when you have children - the older they are, the longer you probably want to leave it in order for them to build up a relationship and familiarity with your new partner. But conversely, the younger they are, the more difficult it would be for them to cope with a relationship break up, so you need to be surer.)

I moved in with DH less than a year into our relationship. It was too soon and didn't really work at all. We ended up moving out and then moving back in around the 3.5 year mark and getting married 6 months later. It was much better. We still had teething troubles, but nothing like the first time.

I think you need to explain all of these reasons to him, explain that you don't necessarily trust your own judgement at the moment and that you need more time. And do take some space. Upping the time you spend together does not mean never having time for yourself.

I also think it is definitely true that just because somebody is nice and does the right things and treats you nicely, it doesn't mean they are a good match for you. The world is not divided into "abusers" and "nice guys" as though that was it - there will be "abusers - never have a relationship with", "nice people who I am not suited to" and "nice people who I can have a great relationship with". Niceness does not equal a good match. Those are different things. (Equally you can have fantastic chemistry with an abuser, of course, but an abuser is always bad news).