Seemingly very nice man - so what's wrong?!

[Datingagain]

I am hoping for some good advice - as I am going round in circles with this!

Having had a completely shitty few years men-wise, which I chatted about on here a fair bit at the time, I finally met a very "nice man" a year and a half ago.

He was seemingly everything I thought I wanted - kind, consistent, responsible, (very) ready for commitment etc. Basically, the complete opposite of my flighty, cheating, commitment-phobe ex (also the father of my child).

So we had a fabulous first year. He's interesting, bright, fun, sociable, and we get on really very well. Slowly I introduced him to friends and family, and finally my child, who he is absolultely lovely with. He wants us to move in together, he wants us to get engaged and married - and says he wants to look after us for ever.

I really should be on cloud 9. So what's wrong with me? I am beginning to wonder, if I am just one of those people who is no good at relationships.

Mostly, when we're together, it's great, but I am finding it really hard to be with him all the time.

We both work and have active social lives - and he is always more than happy for me to go out and about and for him to (sometimes) babysit etc, but quite often, I just want to be on my own.

Not neccessarily out and about, just in, on my own. We are not living together yet, but he spends most nights here (his choice). I don't feel I'm ready to move in and be together "full time", but he is very keen to - and thinks that after a year and a half, I should be ready too.

This is starting to be a massive issue and although he hasn't said anything yet, I can tell that this is going to be a deal-breaker for him. My default on this has been that he's being unreasonable, but actually, if the boot was on the other foot, I'd be pissed off too. Neither of us is terribly young, both in our 40s, so I don't know why I'm stalling.

It'd be easy to just say that he's not the right "one" and that if he were, I'd be rushing into moving in / getting married, but I don't think it's that simple. I really do love him and am very happy with him - in an ideal world, I'd just like for him to be away a few nights a week and for the odd weekend! Although, when my ex used to do this (for work) I hated it.

Maybe I am just not meant to be in a relationship...Though I know that if we did split up, I'd be devastated. I don't think I'd ever find someone who loves me as much as he does. Between ex and him, I did spend the best part of three years on my own - and was very happy. But then did try online dating and getting out and about - and met precisely no-one as nice as him.

Sorry for the essay...just don't know what to do. Would really appreciate any advice! Thanks x

TBH, I am sensing a red flag here because I, too, had a string of flighty, uncommitted relationships and was amazed when I met a man who seemed the total opposite, very committed, talking about long term plans, only had eyes for me, wanted to spend a lot of time together. I was actually very happy in the beginning because I thought I had found some kind of holy grail! Plus he was nice, fun and exciting and we enjoyed each others' company, so it felt very natural.

He turned out to be emotionally abusive and controlling. The very fast pace and sudden strong commitment of the relationship was part of the control - he had found me and he wanted to keep me. He wasn't open to the fact that I might have been looking for something a bit slower or that I could have done with some breathing space to evaluate the relationship, as far as he was concerned, we were together and that was that. It took me a long time to pin down, because he was always pleasant at least until much later.

The six month thing is ringing huge alarm bells for me here. As is your fear that you won't be able to make it work with someone else. No. These are not your only two options - flighty or suffocating. A healthy relationship has space to grow and develop. When I got together with DH I was surprised because early on he wasn't talking about how frightened he would be to lose me or anything and I was confused by that. But what it really showed was that he wanted to be with me, but more importantly he only wanted to be there if I wanted him. It wasn't a case of keeping or convincing, it was a case of we are two people, let's see if we are suited to each other or not. Relationships are not about making it work - forget everything you have ever learned or read or thought along those lines. It either works or it doesn't, if you are "making it work" now then you'll be "making it work" later when you have been married for decades and you can't keep up making it forever, because there will be other challenges along the way.

Hold on will get you some links for good things to read :)

God, it's complicated isn't it?!

I absolutely think there is a lot of truth in the "crap from my past" analysis. My parents were hateful to one another and I spent my whole childhood trying to make them happy and make their relationship better - and still do, to a certain extent.

I am maybe not programmed to live in a more "normal" relationship, where people are just kind to one-another.

But equally, Cogito, I am 100% with you too. I LOVE living on my own (well, me and DS). I cried when I finally got the keys to my own house, after finally leaving ExDP - and swore I would never "let anyone else in" again. (Not literally, obvs!)

But now, I do really, really love being in a relationship. I was on my own for three years between ExDP and meeting DP - and I do prefer this, but I just wish I could do it part-time.

Unfortunately, for him, I think it needs to be all or nothing. And I do think for my son, that would probably be better too. But I'm just not sure if I can give it 100%.

...I'd really be wary of someone who says this
From about 6 months in, he's been absolutely clear and consistent, that he wants to marry me and be with me forever

There's that word 'forever' again. If the guy is not a teenager, it's a strange choice of word, and I'd find it slightly uncomfortable in a man in his 40s. Especially coupled with needing to be with you all the time.

And intimating that if you don't want to get married, the deal's off, as it were - as if marriage is more important than the actual relationship.

Interesting that you put 'nice man' in inverted commas in your OP! Do you think his relationship history throws any light on this?

And you definitely need to retain a sense of your own self which is separate from the relationship. That's so important especially in a new relationship. If he's not encouraging/allowing that (not through express "You can't!" kind of thing but because he's taking up all of your time and energy for example) then the relationship is not a healthy one.

"But now, I do really, really love being in a relationship. I was on my own for three years between ExDP and meeting DP - and I do prefer this, but I just wish I could do it part-time."

You can do it part-time. Not with this guy perhaps, but I've certainly met plenty of people who are really quite content with a part-time arrangement. Means things don't get stale and you don't end up arguing over whose turn it is to wash the socks etc... :)

If you can't give it 100% please don't see it as a personal failing.

It's funny, I've read so much stuff on here about "red flags" etc - and yet I hadn't really thought about this relationship in that context at all.

I agree that six months is early to be talking about marriage etc, but to someone who'd been messed around by a completely commitment-phobic ex, I was thrilled to have met someone who was so sure - and back then, I felt sure too.

I'm slightly worried about the "controlling" question. He is keen for me to go out and do my own thing, but, like I said, he would always rather us do stuff together. And if I have a friend coming down, is keen to be involved too.

He sees this as part and parcel of being a couple - we do social stuff together, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable about it.

But then, would I rather have this, or someone who isn't interested in meeting my friends and socialising with me? I don't know.

Bertie, would really appreciate some links on what to read.

Thanks all for your advice..

Natalie Lue is absolutely brilliant and spot on. This is one article I like, but read all of her stuff. Amazing! This is another that I really like in general.

Thought provoking, about what is really important in marriage, not what we tend to assume is important.

This is not as nuanced, but I love wait but why. And it still has some excellent points.

I think he sounds quite suffocating, OTT to want all that commitment after 6 months, wanting to be involved in all your social stuff. Also not on to make you feel it's all or nothing.

In considering moving in or marriage there is so much financial, legal and practical stuff to consider, alone and together, and of course your DC. Eg if you are the higher earner or have more assets you might be better off not risking marriage!

It's bollocks that you're not programmed to be in a relationship where people are kind to each other. What rubbish! Of COURSE you can have a nice relationship, with someone kind. Perhaps this one is the right one or perhaps it is not. But please let go of this idea that you are somehow unlovable or impossible to be in a relationship with. You are not. The fact you're even thinking and worried about this speaks volumes about that.

It might be that you just have different preferences about how much time you want to spend together, which isn't sinister, it's fine - but it is unfortunately a no no for a happy relationship, because it points towards incompatability. Since you've talked about this and he has made noises about being unhappy with less contact, I think that conversation is over. Don't compromise more than you are actually comfortable and happy with - it's a total bear trap and will wear you out long term.

Control is usually like this - a controlling man will say one thing but his actions will tell you a different story. Being keen for you to do your own thing but in practice always wanting to do stuff together means that he's not keen for you to do your own thing at all. I mean, it might just be his personality, but I'd be aware and notice it, don't write it off as nothing.

Remember, it's not a choice between this and someone who is not interested. It's perfectly likely for somebody to be in between. If that feels hard to believe, that is your mindset getting in the way because of your previous experiences, it doesn't mean I'm plucking this from the air and making it up :) My husband was in between and I'm sure if you started a thread asking this specific question you'd get lots of people saying their DP/DH was both interested and sociable and happy (genuinely) for them to socialise and spend time alone as well.

Look, if he can only do all, or nothing, that's his issue to solve. If you want part time, and he doesn't, that's his issue to. If you dont believe you will flourish in a live-in relationship With intentions of permanence, don't have one.

You arent in charge of making him content with his life. You are only in charge of your own contentment, and providing the framework for your child to make his own contentment as an adult. One of the best ways to provide that framework is to not twist yourself up trying to resolve other peoples issues.

I'm with MitchellMummy.

I don't understand why so many posters are getting so negative and leaning towards LTB.

Anything is open to interpretation. He wants to be with you forever. Is that controlling and suffocating? Or is he madly in love with you and hopelessly romantic?

Maybe you just need to agree what living together would be like. You'll have evenings/weekends when you follow your interests and see your friends - and so will he. You won't be spending every minute and hour together.

If you share your expectations and so does he - and you're compatible - there's no reason this can't be the relationship and life you've been looking for.

"He wants to be with you forever. Is that controlling and suffocating? Or is he madly in love with you and hopelessly romantic?"

The OP themselves says it's suffocating. They don't want to move in together with this person, that's the whole point. They don't just want a few evenings and weekend to themselves, they want more independence than that.

The dilemma is that the OP interprets her reluctance to cohabit with this particular person as being a personal failing - even an inability to be properly 'in a relationship' - because he's a nice guy. I don't think it is anything of the kind.

I'm not getting any red flag vibes from what you're saying about this man, OP.

However it is clear that you and he want different amounts and different kinds of "couple time".

You are both perfectly entitled to want different things: it doesn't make either of you wrong or damaged or controlling.

So don't use any energy blaming yourself. Instead think of how, and whether, these different positions can be reconciled.

Actually, unless I've missed it, the OP didn't say 'suffocating' (that was DuckDeamon).

The OP says we do social stuff together, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable about it which isn't the same thing at all.

I just feel a bit suffocated at the moment - and I can't work out why

OP- how much time do you need alone? Could you speak to him ans encourage him to take up a timeconsuming hobby like cycling so he's out of the house for a few evenings a week? Or is this more an "I need weeks to myself" kind of feeling?

I am not saying LTB. I am just saying don't just give in to his preferences because of some idea it should happen after this mich time, it doesnt ever have to. Don't merge entirely just because he wants to. OP doesn't have to be in any more of a relationship than she wants. That isnt failure, it's being honest with herself and her dp.

If he can't bear to be with her on terms that she is happy with, he may choose to leave. But she doesnt have to make the choice between all or nothing. She can make the choice to carry on as is, maybe even back off a bit.

He seems like a very "all or nothing" type of person. This wouldn't suit me either and I would feel suffocated by it. There is also the adage that he is practically living in "your" space, as in your home. This would also drive me nuts.

If he loves you as you say then he needs to give you more time. I'm also not keen on his underlying threat that things won't work unless things are moved forward in the way "he" wishes.

How old is your child OP?

For me personally I wouldn't move forward with a "live" together relationship until my son is independent and ready to move out. Then I could never have my partner move in with me or me move in with him, it would have to be to a "new" place together.

Seeing someone once or twice a week would be enough for me at the moment or I would feel exactly the same as you. You aren't odd OP, you're an independent woman.

Red flag does not mean "obviously a bastard", it means "This behaviour is one to be aware of and watch out for". Most if not all red flags are absolutely harmless and meaningless on their own and perfectly explainable away by personality, misunderstandings, etc, when they happen in isolation.

It's when you notice a pattern of red flag type behaviours that you need to worry. But even before then, they are worth paying attention to, especially if they are making you feel uncomfortable.

Datingagain I empathise... I met my now (ex?)partner quite quickly after my exH left me. He was everything my exH wasn't, he's very in touch with his emotions, he's older and more mature, he wants to 'take care' of me and my DCs etc... I found it all rather amusing and quite liked being adored. My exH was a rather cold fish... We were passionately in love in the beginning and he really does love me warts and all too.

But with time, I have also found him very suffocating, he wants to do things together all the time. If he had a choice, he would be with me all the time. But I have always been very independent and want to do my own thing. He has never criticised that or stopped me doing that (he wouldn't dare!) but does have this sad puppy dog face when he has to stay at home while I am out.

I have called the relationship off even though it was a very hard decision as I said, I do love him and there is a part of me that thinks I will never find someone like him who adores me the way he does. He has been living at his ex's this week while she is away as he has to take care of his DC and while I miss him, I adore being by myself too. We have met up a few times for lunch etc and it feels almost like the early days again dating... Which has led me to think that a) our relationship will only work if we live apart (which I don't want in the long term) because he is so intense and needy emotionally b) we just have to accept that despite us being both very nice people, we are just not compatible with each other and someone else will make him or me happier... Good luck! Just because someone is nice doesn't make him THE ONE!

Evening! Just a v brief message, to say I haven't disappeared, just had busy afternoon / evening. But I am reading all of your comments and taking them on board - thanks so much. I still don't know what to do - and it's interesting to hear so many different POVs on here too. Maybe I'm not going mad after all?! Will do that background reading too, thanks Bertie! Really appreciate it, will be back tomo x

Staying over is very different to living with you- all his stuff, being there, interacting with dc, joint decisions - everything. So it's not a fast decision by any means.

You like your independance, and the life you have created.how will it change exactly if he is there- what bits don't you like? You need to know what he is bringing to your party, as it were. And if that is what you want. If it's another person to worry about and tidy up after, or someone who enriches your life.