Doesn't want to marry me

[Moopants]

We've been together for over 7 years, lived together six of those and have a five year old. We were planning on trying for another baby at his request. Neither of us are spring chickens. Today I approached the topic of marriage. He's been engaged before in much shorter relationships but he has never approached the subject with me. After years of hoping for a 'surprise' proposal, I finally got the courage to ask what the issue was. I got all the usual lad bible crap. It's just a bit of paper, we're already living together and have a child together so why do we need to etc. I explained why it was important to me and he got angry. Starts shouting and crying, saying that I doubt his feelings for me. He managed to turn it into my problem. Thing is I know how he feels for me and I don't doubt it for a second, I just thought it would be nice to make it all official, to go to the next level. For our child to have parents with the same name (yes I'm old fashioned that way). I don't want a wedding just the marriage. It's not about dresses or parties. I've felt like crap all day. If he loves me so much and if it is only a bit of paper, what's the problem? He can't or won't divulge more than I've explained. He takes my wanting to talk about it as thinking he doesn't love me, when it's the complete opposite. If I thought there were problems I wouldn't be approaching the subject of marriage, I'd be discussing separation. Turns out marriage is the problem. I love him with all I have but can't help feel there's more to his reasons for not wanting to marry me and I don't know what to do. It will niggle away at me in the back of my mind and I'm worried I'll end up resenting him. What should I do? Forget it and move on or move out?

Mixed views here, I have two children, divorced and now I. The happiest relationship.

My view is that the relationship is more important than legalities. I don't think women need financial protection. We can support ourselves. At least I do.

If the relationship is happy, I would not leave for such a reason. Romantic yes, difference to day to day life? No marriage does not change that.

Was your DC planned? I know that's a rather rude question but if the answer is 'no' then it might reinforce the idea that your DP still considers you his 'will do for now' partner and (in his head) provide further justification for dumping you for someone else when he decides to do so.
It is also possible that while he does love you and intend to remain with you, he is resisting the idea of marriage because it would damage his view of himself as a Free Spirit That Can't Be Chained, even though in almost every other aspect of his life he behaves like a comfortably married man.
There is another unpleasant possiblity, as well, which is that he knows you want to be married to him but doesn't intend to give you what you want because he feels that doing so would take power from him - the power to make you obedient and indulgent because there just might be the prize of a wedding ring if you are a good enough dog girl.

If it's only a piece of paper he'd not be bothered if he was married or not. But it isn't just a piece of paper and don't all these feet dragging men know it. I think it's about time women said no children unless we're married. End of.

I could have written your post a few years ago. I used to want to marry DP, have the same name as DS, etc., and he wasn't keen for similar reasons to your DP (incidentally, I'm also the more asset-rich in my relationship and would lose nothing materially from a split, whereas he would lose a fair bit). I don't really know what to advise, though, because somehow I just gradually forgot about it and went off the idea. I'm now the one who is, if anything, less keen on the idea. Through all this, we both are and have always been totally committed. We have 2 DC now. Neither he nor I would ever have considered marriage or otherwise a deal breaker (even when I wanted it), and it just sort of faded away. I have no interest in it now (although I love DP more than ever, and believe the same is true for him) and hadn't thought about it for a long time before reading your OP. So, I don't know what to advise, but I sympathise, and hope that one way or another things feel better soon.

Men who cry when it suits really piss me off!

As you have the money and assets in this relationship, you can point out the advantages of being married for him, to him. Point out that if you, say, develop a brain tumour and start making really bad decisions, he'd be entitled to support from you and a share in your house (or whatever the details are). Or if he got a disability and couldn't work, that you'd have more obligations to support him.
Point out how much easier it would make it for him dealing with your kid's property if you die young.

Morbid I know, but I think he'd pay far more attention if you're telling him about how it benefits him.

i've seen this scenario a million times before.
He doesn't think enough of you to marry you.
i would move on.

I would tell him that fine but he automatically returns to boyfriend status which means he has absoulutly no say in what you do, go or decide and that if someone comes along that you could be happy with and wants to marry you then that's the chance he has to take, he can't have the benefits of being married without the being married, you always have time to meet someone new, my mum just got married at the age of 73, don't settle for second best, if somebody loves you they will do whatever they can to make you happy, in your case this means marrying you!!! I would hold off on another child and consider wether you still want to be with him in ten years time if he doesn't want to marry you, my husband proposed after six months and he said he wanted to propose after our third date but didn't want to seem nuts!!! There's no way I would spend my life with someone who actively stated they didn't want to marry me, consider moving on, you can do better

Shouting and crying and turning it into your problem suggests a measure of manipulation, and a huge over reaction.
It's clearly much more than a piece of paper to him. But he can't or won't divulge more? Like you, I'm not sure what to make of that response. I wouldn't be able to just shrug it off.

All you have to remember OP is that if he wanted to get married he would get married. It really is that simple. He doesn't want to marry you.

You can live with that, or you can tell him that it's not enough for you and you want to separate. Maybe you will go on to meet someone who does want to make that commitment. Maybe not. Who knows?

OP he is just not that into you

I was with exh for 7 years .....6 years were spent me trying to get him to commit....he finally proposed think he felt he should. we got married, it was a stupid thing to do as we weren't right for eachother and were separated within the year

now with dh2 who suggested marriage very quickly, within 6 months, and properly proposed after a year iirc.

if they want to do it they know very quickly I think

I am sorry, you don't deserve this