How do you share out drop off and pick up?

[slowdownyourneighbours]

My Dh insists he drops off and I pick up DS from nursery. We both work full time.
It's really hard for me to leave work early every day. It really affects my work and means I have very little social life.

If I want to work late or go out with friends after work I have to email him a week in advance to ask permission to
swap. This week all week is a no. Next week is a maybe, he'll let me know.

I'm really starting to resent this situation, it feels like he has all the power. Is this set-up normal?

Thanks for thoughts

Its not normal for a DH to be such a controlling arse.

In our house its whoever finishes first gets DD, but we have set finish times. Why cant it just be "I am meeting the girls for a drink after work on Thurs so you need to pick dc up"?

Why don't you alternate weeks?
So one week he does all mornings, you do all pick ups. Next week you do all the morning and he does all the pick ups. Suggest you trial it for a month and see how it goes.

That seems very over the top and quite unusual in that it's all the time. It's time to be clear that the arrangement does not work for you.
Is he a very rigid or routine person usually?

Another option if you were feeling vindictive (but I wouldn't advise this I'm just making a point) would be just to tell him what you are doing and not ask for permission.

I'd email him saying "I won't be available to pick up the children on Tuesday as I have a prior commitment I can't break. You will need to pick them up and I've let the school know".

Honestly this bit:

have to email him a week in advance to ask permission to swap

gave me the creeps. It sounds so weirdly controlling in a marriage. I'm reading a novel at the moment where the character is married to a sociopathically controlling weirdo - and that sounds right up his street.

Does he tell you what to wear? And what not to eat?

Thanks for your replies. For about about 2 months I had 1 night a week to swap (with accompanying email application obviously) but it's tailed back into old habits. Love the idea of swapping for a while week even just once, but he is just so insistent he can't ever leave work early- a whole week of it would be unthinkable to him.

I just thought if I could check with you what's normal I might be able to find it in myself to grow a backbone and start insisting on sharing equally. DH is convinced he is being entirely reasonable.

Yes, he is quite rigid about his opinions, it just didn't seem to matter before we had DS.

The whole "sending him an e-mail to "get permission" is not normal in an equal and loving relationship.

The drop offs / pick ups will depend entirely on your individual circumstances - what jobs you do, what your commutes are like, etc. We've done all sorts of combinations over the years, but I don't think that's the issue here.

It depends really.
Do you both start and finish work at the same time?

Thanks Self

It does sound weird doesn't it. It's just how things evolved. It started when I was on maternity leave - he seemed so resentful of me having time off. Then when I went back part time he was still resentful and I felt guilty so agreed to do all pick ups. That's why I decided to go back full time- I was sick of having no money and him being 'in charge' . But nothing's changed.

I manage to be in control of what I eat and wear but I am starting to tire of all this.

I think a big issue here is how it is making you feel - that you have to ask for PERMISSION- like a teenager asking her mum and dad if it's ok to go out.

I agree that the underlying question of whats right and fair generally depends on your jobs/earnings/position in your career at that point (eg. if one of you is being reviewed for promotion or at a promotion point, they should get the leeway to stay late if that matters).

If you are a brain surgeon and he works on a Tesco checkout, you should take priority most of the time. But if the Tesco checkout is in a position for promotion to team manager, they would get the leeway.

The problem is his attitude, the fact it is set in stone and he's in utter control and making you make AN EMAIL APPLICATION. Your choice of words says it all. You are resentful and rightly so.

You need to discuss with him the whole system, options and how it makes you feel. Otherwise it will boil up inside you until one day you freak out and decide to go on a Thelma and Louise trip across the country after work without telling him and the children will be abandoned at school sadly holding on to a teachers hand while she calls the police to report a missing person.

It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic in your relationship at all, OP. It doesn't matter who does the pick-ups and drop-offs, as all families will have different circumstances to contend with. What does matter is that he feels the need to control stuff and you feel that you have to ask permission.

Thanks for your replies. We can both start flexibly. His office tends to be 9.30 till 6 but it's not fixed hours so could change if he wanted to - I just don't think he wants to make the effort to ask for the flexibility that I've been forced to insist on at my work.

My hours are flexible, most colleagues do 9-6. So we could both be flexible and share equally if we both wanted to, but he doesn't think he can (doesnt want the hassle)

Thanks. I did freak out about it at the weekend, feel ashamed for shouting. But now I'm enduring the cold shoulder. It's hard to know what's normal.

Thanks for your supportive replies, will persevere with trying to get him to change. I agree he is being controlling, but don't think he can see that.

"Enduring the cold shoulder"

This is sounding worse and worse. Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Read this.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

Does he socialise as much as you? Perhaps he doesn't understand why you need to go out drinking with your mates quite so much. I realise that sounds a bit confrontational but genuine question.

Yes, he goes out drinking a couple of nights a week.

I do like to go out, but recently any free nights are for work commitments.

Thanks for the link Self, food for thought.

This arrangement sounds so restrictive for you, particularly as you're both working full time and have flexibility in your jobs.

It isn't fair that you're the one disappearing home 'early' from work to collect while he gets to stay as long as he likes. Why does he think he can't manage all the pick ups for a week but you can- is his job more important than yours in his eyes?

Could you have two set days a week where you drop off and he picks up. I'd suggest three days but suspect he'll think that his job is much too important for him to do more pick ups then you.

The two days must include a Thursday or Friday so you can go out towards the end of the week.

In fact you could alternate - one week he does Tuesday and Thursday pick up, next week Tuesday and Friday pick up. That way both of you get to do the after work social thing on Fridays every fortnight if you want to.

Thanks Daters, yes that would work great for me. I'm not sure why I've found it so hard to get a sensible arrangement in place. He strongly resists any interference with his preferred working hours

I do both as DH can't due to where he works. Its annoying as I can't go out after work until he is home to take over, my job opportunities are limited due to having to be at the school by half 5 and I end up doing the (IMO) crap part of the day ie, cooking dinner and bathing etc.

Occasionally DH has to step in but its rare. I only put up with it as we have little choice. I would definitely be talking to DH if the situation is like yours. I am assuming he is not a controlling are in other areas of your life.

I think alot of men catch on that the evening part of the day is hard work, they also want the ability to stop off for a beer on the way home unhindered and don't want to appear lazy or uncommitted to colleagues by leavinh early. A lot of my friends seem to do most of the work at this time of the day.

I always drop off, and when one of us wants a swop, we send the other an email invitation.

BUT these are never unreasonably refused, its just an easy way to get a proposed change of hours into each others' diaries.

I do both but I work shorter hours to accommodate this. DP does Friday as he's off then. I email him diary requests for any changes as pp says it's just a way of getting it in to his diary.

We don't share at all- I do it all ( hubby is a farmer ) I work full time too. I'm not really able to comment on how fair your situation is op- sorry

DH does majority of drop offs, I do most pick ups. I like to be in work early, and don't like to miss much evening, whereas DH is not a morning person!

I like it that I know what's what iyswim, so I would not be a fan of chopping and changing the arrangement willy nilly. However, of course if there is a work need, we swap and this is fine with both of us.

Your DH sounds very inflexible and like he's trying to make some sort of point. I would not be happy with him making all the decisions. However saying that, I'm not sure I would be happy with changing plans each week just to facilitate DH socialising after work. We struggle enough to manage work/home life balance as it is, with both of us working ft.

When my kids were smaller, I did the drop offs and DH did the pick ups - it suited our work patterns that way so we were both happy with that. We swapped on occasions where it did not work for either of us.

The chopping and changing is very much dh's preference, I agree with you Bee, would be better to have fixed dates. I think the issue is that he simply doesn't feel able to leave early, maybe it's harder for a man to request this than a woman.

I often work a few hours from home in the evening, i don't really understand why he can't do that too