How do you deal with huggers when you are not that type of person?

[CrapBag]

I hate being touched by someone I don't want to. Kids and DH, fine. My own family (some of them) fine. Anyone else just no.

MIL is a hugger. I hate it. She had to be very specifically and repeatedly told to stop rubbing my pregnant belly before even though it was very obvious I was uncomfortable with it.

When you greet and leave her, she always wants a hug and a kiss. I'm sorry but I loathe it. I don't love her so I dont want to do it. How she hasn't twigged by now that I am quite obviously uncomfortable I don't know (but then she is very good at ignoring something that she doesn't wish to acknowledge).

I am mentioning MIL as I don't know anyone else that does this, thankfully. I did hug my friend when she was moving away and she was very surprised and laughed but I was genuinely gutted to be loosing her so she got a rare hug. I also have a friend that is quite tactile and gets quite close and touches your arm which I find odd but as she isn't hugging me I kind of put up and shut up even though I find it a little odd.

Is this just me? Am I weird for not wanting to be bloody hugged by anyone other than immediately family?

Actually, Ive just read your last post and Ive changed my mind.

Tell her to back off and be rude about it, I think she is now doing it on purpose, she obviously gets the message but is being manipulative :(

If you like her, then tell her " I do like you, but for gods sake dont hug me, I hate it"
Good Luck

The kissers are definitely worse, especially if it is not a social situation (dentist) urggggggggggggggggg.

Do you think that the dislike of hugging, social kissing, is something as a result of one's childhood? I had absolutely NO affection from my parents - no hugs, cuddles, kisses, sitting on laps, bedtime stories etc. etc. And when I had problems as a child or teenager, when I would long for a hug, a cuddle from my mother or father, reassurance etc., there was nothing ... just a cold 'sort it out yourself'. I think this has something to do with my anathema to close physical contact with people these days, except my nearest and dearest.

No - I had plenty of love and cuddles from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, childless great aunts , DH, children.............

Sometimes it just is not appropriate, and I grew up in a time when the boundaries were more clear cut.

Shrink back from her and shout 'The lurgry! the Luuu-uurgy! in a high, strangled voice.

Or just say 'Get off!' in one of those bantery 'I'm joking no I'm not really' tones of voice.

Glad to join the ranks of non huggers! As a PP said, fine with DH, DS and DDog and thats it. Dont like the trend over the last ten years or so of having to hug and air kiss everyone when arriving and leaving, especially if out with DHs pals - just get off me! I just sidle to the door and make a quick exit. I feel the same about DS not wanting to hug someone - it's his body, he can decide if he wants to (DH thinks I'm making a fuss!)

Maybe you could make like a skunk?

Find a really horrible perfume (or make one yourself, like prawn juice or something) and when your MIL hugs you, squirt her with it. 'Oops. Sorry. Involuntary reaction to unwanted personal touching. Can't help it.'

That might stop her.

Or, try turning your shoulder in towards her when she comes towards you (don't 'shoulder' her with force, unless you feel like it, of course) and stand stiff and tall, hands by your sides.

Or cry 'Get off me! Why do you keep hugging me? You know I don't like it! Why would you keep doing it?' etc

I once had some stranger (not on the street, but someone I had done a class with but didn't know, iyswim) try to hug me. She ignored my 'I don't hug people I don't know' and went in for the kill. I stepped back with an annoyed 'Don't!. Man she was pissed off.

An old boss of mine was a hugger, she was lovely too though. Only hugged me once, when I was sat down, she was stood. It was a very awkward manouvre, and I ended up accidentally patting her on the bum. No more hugs for me!

Urgh the hugging!!!! I am so not a huggy person. When my DP first met my sister, she did this sort of weird finger wiggle at him and I didn't think anything of it. My sister is even less of a hugger than me. But when I met PIL, they were a very huggy family and I realised how odd my DP must have thought my family were. When I was pregnant (who am I kidding? All the time!), I used to walk around with an air of back off. It worked. I never had randomers come up to me to touch my bump. I love hugging my DD and DP and could hug them for hours but I really hate hugs from other people!! It's just awkward! How long is too long? Is it one kiss or two? Shudders

Another non hugger here, I just tell people I don't like it.

I know they think it's weird but as long as they don't touch me I don't care.

OP could you put into conversation with her (subtley-like) how someone who knows how much you hate being hugged, actually tried to hug you the other day and you nearly punched them in the face. Then maybe add, 'I swear, the next person who tries to hug me is going to get knocked out!' ? would that help her get the message?

I dislike hugging friends/relatives but I've trained myself to just get on with it. It's part of social politeness and good manners like holding a door open instead of letting it hit someone in the face! Lots of ppl hate hugging but you can get away with a quick embrace most times, just a second or 2 with minimum contact. When I was younger I'd jump away from huggers but now, looking back, this was just me being selfish and immature!
Most ppl WILL take offence if you reject a hug! It's rude and unkind not to return a hug and it embarasses the person (unless they're a stranger!) Unless you say something like 'sorry I don't do hugs im a bit OCD about physical contact' ppl will think you're really unfriendly and cold (or they'll think you find them disgusting/smelly!)

OP I think you should hug your mil. She's older than you and deserves a bit of kindness and respect. I don't like hugging my mil, we don't get on but a quick hug and cheek-peck shows you accept her as family (which she is even if you don't like her). Touching your bump's not on though that's too personal, it's ok to ask ppl not to do that.

My DH is from a different culture where ALL friends and family hug and air-kiss both cheeks when arriving/leaving. It's considered very very insulting and offensive if you don't hug and kiss. I used to dread the bit where everyone lines up by the door to kiss you goodbye but I just learned to go with it. My technique is to get in first so I don't make physical contact with their face, and I keep my hands on their shoulders so it's a quick embrace not full-on hug!

Oldgrandmama

My parents were always tactile and supportive when I was a child, and still are. It's just me who has a very healthy sense of personal space!

OP - I always just tell people I don't do hugs, or just hang back long enough so it gets a bit uncomfortable for the potential hugger, and the moment passes. I think I've somehow mastered the art of being friendly, while still being physically unapproachable - and yes, it's now something of a standing joke amongst my friends, in fact they often tell new people before I get a chance to!

The childhood thing is interesting. Very mixed really. Early abusive childhood, definitely no affection for the 1st 4 years then moved in with another relative who I could always hug and I am very close to now but her DP also lived with us who was quite strict so I've always been quite reserved. Not sure if I would have been like this is I'd had a 'normal' upbringing.

Last time I gave a 1 armed hug, other arm was hanging down by my side, surely she must get the message I thought but no, she hugged me harder and done that thing where you give their back a little rub. I'm sure she hugs me harder than she used to. As my bump example, even when she does know, it won't stop her unless you are explicit, several times over.

Dropping something into a conversation sounds like a good idea. I like the skunk spray idea too .

Maybe we need a no huggers support group. Erect your personal space barriers now.

I'm so glad it's not me!
My friends tease me about it.
Fil is a hugger as are his entire side of the family. I've struggled for years with it.
I manage to avoid it with a well placed child or important task that simply must be done immediately.
Problem is that he can't accept that and u can see he's not settled so is ducking and diving around waiting to move in on me.
It's so uncomfortable and after 8 yrs he must be aware of it, mil must know as doesnt bother now I wish he'd take the bloody hint!

I've just taken it formally at work as my line manager kept doing this. Nothing sexual about it but absolutely no reason to touch me. Everything about my body language would have told him but just in case, me outright telling him how much I hated him touching me had no affect.

I even started thinking that it's me. Had a professional driving instructor do a mandatory driving course with me for work and he kept touching me on the arm and knee whilst I was driving. I was shocked then outraged and then told him that if he did it again I'd report him.

I shuddered at the story of your MIL touching your belly and being so devious about it. It's disgusting that she kept trying.

I'd like to join the support group please - I have a nice inflexible brolly with a pointy end for establishing my personal zone. I will happily nod, maybe even a little wave from that distance.

I remember the last social
Occasion at work and everybody started hugging when leaving. I was pissed so to not look like the gooseberry I joined in the hug fest. It was cringe though, I mean these people aren't even my friends

Ooh I like inflexible pointy brolly. We could have a no huggers logo printed on them, just to let the huggers know.

I used t be very affectionate with my children when they were younger & I will always give them a hug if they want one & I tell them I love them often, but I do not like being touched I suppose it is because as I get older things hurt more & being hugged actually causes me considerable pain, but i have never been a huggy sort of person, I don't remember my parents ever hugging me, I hate shaking hands, I avoid it by clasping my hands Smiling, nodding, a warm greeting, the older I get the less i care about other peoples delicate sensibilities, I would actually take a step back if a stranger tried to hug me, now I am in a wheel chair no one tries to hug me or even shake my hand, in fact for the most part people pretend they don't see me which suits me just fine.

Other than DH and the kids I don't do hugs. All of my friends and family know this and it's fine, but I have DH backing me up which is possibly different from the situations for a lot of fellow non-huggers. Often he'll be dishing out hugs all round and I'm just saying 'ta-ra!'. :)

I've always told the children that if they don't want to hug or kiss someone, even their grandparents sometimes, it's fine. I feel they need to understand that they have autonomy over their bodies, and it starts as children not being forced to endure hugs or kisses from even friends and family if it makes them uncomfortable, or even if they're just not in a huggy mood. Telling them they have to endure it is setting them up to tolerate behaviour (eg in relationships) in the future which shouldn't be tolerated.

It is incredibly selfish of determined huggers forcing hugs on people, and I don't see why they should get to have their way if it makes others uncomfortable.

I'm a definite non-hugger outside my immediate family. None of my friends is a hugger either, thank goodness.

DH's best friend is Italian, though, and always wanting hugs and kisses from all of us. Only DD is really happy to oblige (DH and DS actively avoid and we all have a good laugh). I've mostly gone along with it, thinking 'when in Rome' -- but it occurred to me recently that we're not in Rome. We mostly see him in the UK. He should be the one adapting and offering nothing more than a firm handshake. I suppose it would be massively rude and hurtful if I were to change my tune now, though, so I'm stuck with it.

OP YADNBU. But I cannot for the life of me think of a way for you to get out of the hugs without causing huge offence. Unless you move very fast indeed and compromise by blowing kisses from a distance you could LOOK touchy feely without having to do any touching.

This has caught my interest as I'm currently trying to work out how to prevent my PILs hugging me. Trouble is I've been married to DH for 20 years and PILs & I have always hugged. I didn't mind it at first but for some reason I've come to hate it in recent years. I don't really like them that much but we see them every couple of months at the least, they live 200 miles away. DCs love them and we are their only family, pretty much.

Just had my mum's funeral and I felt quite sick when FIL hugged me, crying into my neck. Going to try the pretending to have a 'cold coming on' idea, at Easter when we are next due to see them. But I need a long term strategy.

Never move to France. Physical contact and four, yes four! kisses every time you said hi or goodbye

Hugging makes me want to run for the hills.
But so many people do it now that I've learned to embrace it,and I just bite the bullet and go in for a big ol' bear hug.
And sometimes its not so bad.

If a 'hugger' doesn't get the message and moves in for the kill with me, I stand absolutely RIGID, arms down by my sides, stony-face, starting straight ahead into infinity ... the hugger then (hopefully) feels like a fool, throwing his or her arms round a statue. The person I've had to use this stratagem most on is the nasty bitch lady who is married to my ex husband. During our marriage, she was my best friend, until I found out that she was the OW all along! We have to meet at parties etc. for the grandkids, and I'm always polite and charming, but I HATE that she doesn't get the message about hugging ... grrrrrr.