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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't trust my DC. What do I do now?

48 replies

Alchemist · 02/03/2015 20:29

You know you have terrible days and don't feel you will get over them? Today has been the culmination of the last 18 months and I am more broken than I have ever been.

While not the biggest thing ever, I just feel totally lost. Anyway, last night I had £40 in my purse. It was there. However, this morning it was gone. No-one else in the house apart from me, DS 10 and DD 8. Both denied it and eventually they had to go to school.

They came home and both continued to deny. I think DS is telling the truth but DD is still completely saying NO.

STBXH says I can't prove it and has said he will pay £40 into my account "so that will be the end of it".

It is not. They are 10 and 8 and I feel sick. What do I do now please?

Just feel sick.

OP posts:
fuzzyduck1 · 02/03/2015 20:38

The simple answer is not to leave temptation Laying around.

or maybe fit a bear trap to the inside of your bag then you can catch them red handed

PesoPenguin · 02/03/2015 20:46

I don't actually agree that you 'shouldn't leave temptation lying around'. You should be allowed to leave money in your own purse in your own house. £40 is a lot of money for a small child to steal and totally unacceptable. I'd search their rooms and bags etc tbh.

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 20:49

What about recouping by going back to basics.
It's beans on toast again because i am 40 short.
Make them both realise that money has places to go. Iyswim.

Where would a 10 and 8 yr old go by themselves to spend 40? If you search while they are at school would you find it. May take a few days.

Also talk to school so they keep an eye out in case either of them gives money out or is perhaps being bullied or asked for cash

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 20:51

Maybe an amnesty too

if the money is back in your purse, that will be the end of it. This time. Etc.

lovespuds · 02/03/2015 20:52

Assuming your children are normally trustworthy... We're you out somewhere yesterday and someone could have stolen it from your bag? Or maybe one of the children is being bullied and has given the money to someone? I think I would speak to each of them separately and see if I could detect a lie.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 20:53

There must be some reason that you're ready to think they've done something. Have they a history of stealing? Have you thoroughly searched their rooms?

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/03/2015 21:12

Well, there have been petty stealing such as 10/20p from the bowl but nothing on this scale. I haven't searched their rooms as yet as I have said to them, as Fenella suggests, that if the money is back in the kitchen tomorrow, that will be that.

The reason I think one of them did it is that no matter how else I think of it, the fact is I had £40 placed firmly in my purse last night before I slept and when I looked in my purse this morning, it wasn't there.

There is nowhere for them to spend it! Neither of them roam to far from home and there is only one shop around us.

DDs birthday on Thurday, party booked for Saturday. What a fucking joke.

OP posts:
Mitzi50 · 02/03/2015 21:22

At their age this is attention seeking behaviour. Is the "suspect" upset or worried about something? Obviously it's not acceptable but I would try to find a way forward which also deals with the possible motivation.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 21:25

I wouldn't give them until tomorrow! I'd give them five minutes exactly and then would tell them I'd call the police. Forty pounds!!

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/03/2015 21:38

H and I split approx 18 months ago and, tbh, I honestly thought DC were into this new routine. H now lives with his OW and the DC have been there every other weekend since well before Christmas plus extra through holidays.

Both of them say they like visiting Dad but I know there must be more going on. However, I will not excuse £40 going and just that be the end of it, as H suggested.

Possibly a bit over-dramatic but I do feel hurt and betrayed. Really hurt. This is "our" home just for us and our dog. Doesn't feel like it now.

OP posts:
JainaProudmoore · 02/03/2015 21:41

Thats such a lot of money for a child to take.
And I agree with pp saying that you should feel you are able to leave money around in your own house! This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud asap because it will escalate.

Coyoacan · 02/03/2015 21:41

Oh I hope you find out which one did it, OP. It seems to be age when children try these things on and the best thing is for them to learn that are serious consequences first time around. (Not the police though, that way madness lies)

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 21:41

I'd tell them that the £40 was towards the birthday party and if it was gone, then no party.

championnibbler · 02/03/2015 21:45

No stolen money coughed up - no party.

ClashCityRocker · 02/03/2015 21:46

£40 is a lot - and it will come out, I don't see how a child that age would be able to spend the money without you noticing. It's hardly a quid for some quickly scoffed sweets is it?

SaucyJack · 02/03/2015 21:46

Calm down, they're only children. Speaking as someone who has children of 8 and 9.11 years, I don't think it would be wise to view this from an adults' perspective.

Just keep on at them until whichever one cracks and gives it back. Make it clear it won't go away. Possibly give them a safe "amnesty" place to return the money too.

My bet is on whichever one isn't having the birthday meself. Possibly feeling left out of presents/attention/yadda yadda.

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/03/2015 21:48

That is for tomorrow. No money; no presents or party. BUT I don't think DS is guilty of anything. I believe he would have cracked well before bed.

What is making me feel sick is that the logical conclusion is that DD took it. And she can lie directly to me and for a long time.

Horrid.

Please tell me to get a grip if I'm being too much. Just feels really raw and nasty.

OP posts:
geebie · 02/03/2015 21:50

Maybe DS wanted to buy DD a birthday present and now feels he has no way of backtracking out of the situation?

ClashCityRocker · 02/03/2015 21:52

Are you 100% sure no one else had been in the house? Is anything else missing?

Watchmestumble · 02/03/2015 21:53

If one of them took it, presumably it will turn up somewhere soon. Check pockets, bags, purses, cupboards in their rooms?

Would either of them have had chance to spend it?

I would like to say you are mistaken, but the fact you say you can't trust your dc says you know that they could have taken it. You know your own children. Of my two dc, I know who would have taken it and where it might be.

Shakey1500 · 02/03/2015 21:53

Are you absolutely sure it's them? Has anyone else a key etc? Neighbour spare key?

As an (relevant) aside, I was once burgled and ONLY noticed when I couldn't find and was looking for my purse Shock It took ages before I spotted a footprint on the windowsill, followed by the (tiny!) open window etc etc.

Just another consideration.

Watchmestumble · 02/03/2015 21:55

I wouldn't punish without finding out if it was stolen and who stole it. That doesn't seem fair.

I was adamant someone at work had stolen my purse once. When I got home it was on the doorstep Blush

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/03/2015 21:57

Absolutely no one else has been in the house as had locks changed after H left and have the only keys.

What I said above, I actually know DS didn't take it because he would not be able to continue with the lie. I know where this leaves me and it hurts. She must hurt too.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 02/03/2015 21:57

If you're sure it was DD, then perhaps just tell her you know it was her. It's what I do when I think one of mine I lying.

I know it's not in the same league, but DD1 took some sweets she wasn't supposed to out of the cupboard once. I asked if she had and she said no. About ten minutes later I asked if they were nice, and she said yeah they were lovely. Could you trap your DD like that?

And if it was her, she's 8. 8 year olds do horrible things sometimes that they don't have the maturity to comprehend. Because they're 8.

I hope you get it back.

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/03/2015 21:58

This is what is driving me mad! I just don't know what to beie;ve

OP posts:
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