I don't trust my DC. What do I do now?

[Alchemist]

You know you have terrible days and don't feel you will get over them? Today has been the culmination of the last 18 months and I am more broken than I have ever been.

While not the biggest thing ever, I just feel totally lost. Anyway, last night I had £40 in my purse. It was there. However, this morning it was gone. No-one else in the house apart from me, DS 10 and DD 8. Both denied it and eventually they had to go to school.

They came home and both continued to deny. I think DS is telling the truth but DD is still completely saying NO.

STBXH says I can't prove it and has said he will pay £40 into my account "so that will be the end of it".

It is not. They are 10 and 8 and I feel sick. What do I do now please?

Just feel sick.

Believe.

How come you completely believe your DS but not your DD?

You can't threaten no party etc without the money as you are basically saying "it's you DD and you will be punished for this regardless of proof"

It is a shitty thing but I would search their rooms if it doesn't turn up.

I hope the money returns to the kitchen table.

Perhaps some insight might come from my experience?

At a similar age, I took a similar amount, and spent it on the kind of tat/lollies that 8-10yo kids like. It was behaviour I can't really understand or explain even now, but it was somehow to do with the fact that I was feeling adrift (family reasons; school bullying; very tight rein on behaviour from home) and my mother used to buy us things "because we'd been good", so I had learned to associate buying useless crap with feeling better. Part of it was also about being able to spend money on friends at school, to buy chocolate bars and hand them out, and thus be liked, in the way other people often did.

How I very sincerely wish people had dealt with it: an amnesty with a request to return the spent money through pocket money and some scheme for repaying, with an explanation that money is needed to do stuff, and some voicing of understanding that association between feeling adrift, buying stuff, and feeling better. Preferably with an offer of a replacement behaviour - such as doing something that didn't cost anything in monetary terms, but provided parental attention and cumulative achievement - which is obviously the way a kid will actually feel better in the end.

How it was actually dealt with: public shaming, frequent threats of the police from my grandmother for another decade afterwards; frequent references to it in front of other people outside the family; and frequent tight-lipped hissing from both parents and my grandmother, and (permitted by my parents, in front of other people) triumphant crowing from my sister, that they didn't trust me. My mother also took great delight in telling me that buying chocolate for other kids was pointless and if I had any friends they'd be there without the chocolate - and it was obvious that noone was, because noone likes a dishonest thief. Nearly 30 years later it still comes up.

I have checked my memory, purse, handbag, make-up bag, the carrier bags from Sat urday/Sunday about 10 times.

I hope the money is back tomorrow morning, if not I will be gutting rooms .

Both DC know how tight money is and how I've been saving to pay my half of the party.

I wish I could find it and feel ashamed of having these thoughts.

Dd (also 8) is a really good liar - much more convincing than ds (just 11) - like you, I'd know ds would crack - and I know, if I'm honest, that dd would lie to me if she felt it was her best form of defence.

Dd did something not great at school recently - then lied to me about it. I interogated her for a little bit, then, rather than being cross, I just left it for 20-30 mins. Then calmly sat her down, told her I didn't believe her, that I thought she was lying because she didn't want to admit to the truth, becuase she was ashamed and sorry but didn't know how to say so. I told her that I loved her, but I needed her to be honest with me so I could sort the problem out. She collapsed in tears, and we moved forwards from there . If your dd is like mine, would a calm, loving approach help? It was the last way I felt like being (I wanted to shout at her/why on earth had she been so daft etc) but it really, really worked. If I'd have forced her into a corner, her denials would have been worse I think.

Am off to bed now with hopes for tomorrow. Thank you for your comments and thoughts.

I'm also curious as to why you're so sure it is dd. How do know your ds would have cracked by now?

Awful to blame your dd if you aren't 100% sure.

The goal at the moment has to be to get your money back. The theft, if that's what it is, can be dealt with later.

Tomorrow morning you need to speak to both of them and say how desperate you are to find the money. Give them a set amount of time to help you look for it. Tell them you will look in the kitchen, bathroom and your bedroom, because those are the least likely places they will have hidden the money in.

I would bet that one of them will 'find' the money somewhere (that you have looked at before.)

I pinched money from my parents once, £300 one Christmas to buy them presents.... they sat us down and said they needed it retuned and I put it on their pillow with a sorry note.

fuck knows what I would have done if I had already spent it.

I didn't think beyond finding the money and wanting to spend it on them... that was over 20 years ago.

I know why you feel sick, but I do also think you need to calm down a little and stop seeing this in apocalyptic terms. It's an 8 year old. She may not even have done it, I have known beyond certainty something was true and it has turned out not to be- so don't discount the possibility that money may yet turn up in your coat/dressing gown pocket despite 'seeing' it in the purse (you may have seen it and then absentmindedly put it elsewhere).

Even if she has (and I don't think you can be at all sure your son didn't on the basis 'he would crack'- well, perhaps he's a bit older and isn't so confessional feeling now!) she's 8. It's a bad mistake, but it is fixable. Of course any money would have to be paid back, a good telling off plus a suitable consequence is fine, but I would also be giving them an opportunity to talk, the child may actually be quite worried and upset at what they have done but unable to fix it. I agree with Imperial's idea of an amnesty, although this may mean you never know who returned it.

I think escalating this into the 'worst thing ever' is a bad idea. It is not the worst thing, if you post on MN, plenty of mumsnetters who have led fairly law abiding lives have stolen as a child- and I wouldn't be cancelling a party, but that's just me. I would have a reduced one (less money) and another consequence (e.g. no computer/tablet on X amount of days).

It does sound like this is the last straw, but this isn't really your 8 year old's fault (or whoever took the money) and this may actually open up lines of communication rather than shutting them down if you can talk to them. My dd then 7 did a 'very bad thing' once and she was so mortified with herself and her lies, I really think it wasn't such a bad thing in the end as it seemed when we found out.

Hands up I stole something (beaded earrings ) from my mum to give to a friend to 'impress' at around that age... I had to get them back quick when my mum noticed and law abiding since!

The amnesty/finding idea sounds very good.... as does nobutreally's tactic

I'm sure this feels like a horrid violation, but a child of that age KNOWS stealing is wrong, and that 40 is a lot. I do hope neither child is being bullied, and consider crapateverythings comments too (I've seen that in another rather troubled little girl... stealing to compensate for being deprived of love and attention)....There may be more to it and this is the tip off

Hope all gets resolved well x

crap I could have written your post. Awful, isn't it? I just wish my parents had seen it for what it was - the impulsive action of an unhappy child.

OP I really recommend you try and get to the bottom of this gently and calmly. It sounds like both your kids have had a lot to deal with over the next couple of years and emotions can work themselves out in strange ways.

You mentioned an OW and I just wondered whether you might be having a worse reaction to this because of the trust issues you are bound to have? Since my cheating STBXH left I have been talking to the kids about how bad lying is etc and that it won't be tolerated in our family. I would be distraught if one of them lied because it would remind me of what I went through and how much I don't want them to be like him. They're going to do it though because it's part of learning, just need to remember it doesn't mean they're going to become pathological liars.

If I'm completely off the mark I apologise!! I think you've had good advice about how to deal with it.

You poor things. All of you.

I hope you can find a resolution. Please don't be hard on your children.

crapat I could weep for that little girl

Both my Dc's have done something similar. I hope we dealt with it better than your parents did. It's almost like a rite of passage and can end up being a massively useful learning experience.

OP it sounds a horrible situation.

I hope you can manage to be calmer about it tomorrow - you say you are broken after the last 18 months, your DCs must also have suffered and I do think you are expecting a lot of them to say 'I thought they were into this routine now' after only a couple of months.

I hope for all of you that it is back in the kitchen tomorrow.

Any news/update this morning, Alchamist?

Another thought, from my conversation with dd on lying. The other thing I stressed is that sometimes it's easy to panic & lie - and that in those situations, it's really brave & strong to admit you've lied and make amends. I think that giving your dd (or DS...) the understanding that coming clean may not be pain free, but will have a emotional reward might be helpful. Otherwise, from her PoV, there is no benefit in telling the truth, per se. I would also say - at this stage - do make sure you are aiming all convos actions clearly at both of them. If you're wrong and it wasn't your dd, her trust in you will be hugely damaged otherwise.

my DS, now 16 lies and steals. He has done it to me, my partner, friends family, school etc. I understand completely how you feel, its such a breakdown of trust, and affects everyone in the family ...my younger children cannot have pocket money because he steals it. He steals their Ipod's and anything else he fancies

I have a lock on my bedroom door and I never leave my bag in his presence. He is JUST beginning now to understand the impact that his thieveing and deceit has had on the whole family. I doubt that I will ever trust him again

Having said thatm your DD (if it IS her) is 8 and you have achance to deal with this. I would NOT just leave it - I would come down really really hard right now - eg cancel her party ...

She understands this is wrong ( does she ?) there are consequences to wrongdoing .. unhappy or now; 8 years old or not ...

Just my 2p

Did it appear?

I would check everywhere: pockets, their bedrooms, sofa .have your kids help too, it would make the guilty feel bad...and the guilty will have the odd way of looking for it too as she/he know where it is. There are times I thought someone took my money and turns out it fell out of my purse. One time it my money fell inside the lining of my purse (it is torn). Trace every steps you been since you last saw it, assuming you removed it to count your money or something.

No, hasn't appeared.

I have checked everywhere I can think of. I suppose one day it will turn up...:(.

op.....I hope you managed to get some sleep.
And that today brings some resolution.