Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I over reacting to what DH did?

60 replies

JaynewithaY · 02/03/2015 13:06

I'd be very grateful for some alternative points of view about what my DH did this weekend and whether I'm over reacting. Apologies, I think it'll be long, but I don't want to drip feed.

By way of background, we live about 25 mins walk from our village shops and my IL's live about 5 mins from our house (closer to the shops than us). On Saturday DH and I went to the village with our baby in the pram. I wanted to go by car as I thought it looked like it might rain, but DH insisted we should walk, which we did.

DH had teased me while we were out about me thinking it would rain and on the way home, he stopped with the pram, which he was pushing, and said he was going to wait there for the rain. I carried on walking slowly, thinking he was joking and would catch me up.

When the noise of the pram wheels stopped, I turned around, DH and the baby were nowhere to be seen. I presumed he had cut down a side street he had used before which was immediately behind me (I knew you could cut down but not which turnings to take afterwards as he has lived in this area all his life, but I haven't). From this turning, it was possible for him to carry on home or go to IL's house from the opposite direction from which I was walking. He had my glasses in the baby bag, I had no house keys and 1% phone battery which he knew as we had talked about my phone, he had looked to see why it wasn't working properly and concluded it was because of low battery.

I carried on walking towards our house at a normal pace on the usual route and had to walk past IL's house to get there. When I got home there was no answer. I then got a text from DH asking if I had keys. I replied he knew I didn't and it was a nasty thing to do, leaving me and taking the baby without telling me. He replied that he'd gone to his parent's house. When I got to the IL's they were playing with the baby, had put our shopping away in their house, got the baby out of the pram, taken his coat off and got toys out.

I got upset, said I was furious with DH and we took the baby and left. Usually I would have just gritted my teeth, had a cuppa and said nothing until we got home.

DH said he had hidden behind a bush and walked behind me, stopping at his parent's house. I can not think of any bushes he might have hidden behind (pavements and roads) but he did go past the cut through when I know that they weren't behind me. He said I was unreasonable for not turning around to see where he was, but could not answer why he didn't call out or follow me home if he had done as he claimed, nor why he didn't text me until I had got home. I would have been in his sight for a further 5 minutes when he arrived at ILs (and 5 mins before that) and it would have been obvious where I was going.

My question is am I totally over reacting by being angry and upset by this? I have contacted ILs and apologised. I do make sure they see DS and invited them round twice on the days before this happened. At the moment, we're hardly speaking as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and I'm at fault for carrying on walking home. I think he owes me an apology. Wise MNers please adjudicate!

OP posts:
MrNoseybonk · 02/03/2015 16:28

Woah, I was reading your last post thinking meals with work could be working of a sort until I got to the bit about the lieing.
Some people just lie for no reason.
I knew a guy who would make the most silly pointless lies which everybody could dispute, and this is at work.
Like he would tell us he was working from home one day, then the next day tell us all about his day off and what he'd got up to.
Could he be a compulsive liar like this?

BolshierAyraStark · 02/03/2015 16:31

He's a liar & this is something I just wouldn't tolerate. He's also a dick.

LineRunner · 02/03/2015 16:41

I'm glad you kicked off in front of his parents. Why shouldn't they know what a tossing knob he is being to you?

SaltyandSweet · 02/03/2015 16:54

He is a dick. No ifs ands or buts. Time to stop letting him get away with it.

JaynewithaY · 02/03/2015 17:34

I felt I had to apologise as I was so embarrassed at being upset and bundling DS out. It wasn't their fault and they were punished for DH's behaviour. Actually since MIL has been really nice to me. Maybe she's worried he'll end up back at hers Smile

I don't think him breaking the thing was meant as any kind of punishment & was just one of those things.

A previous post has made me think, when FIL visited the other day, DS was in his travel cot playing and I was at the opposite end of the room ironing. FIL took DS out and put him on the dining table where he immediately picked up the coat hangers I'd put there and made a grab for the hot drink I'd just made. Luckily it missed DS completely. FIL made a joke about not being able to keep up with him and left. Afterwards I told DH and said due to this and some other incidents, although I'd never stop them seeing DS, he won't be staying at their house without me and if it's mentioned DH should manage their expectations. DH agreed totally and said fine, but I'm now wondering whether the other day was so DS could go there without me. Maybe DH was trying to show DS would be fine there without me?

I guess there's only one way to find out and we have a lot to talk about tonight, not least the lying about silly things. I don't know if things can be resolved at the moment, but the lies are a deal-breaker for me if he won't stop.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 18:05

He really doesn't sound very nice.

I was really angry on your behalf when I read about him lying to you then posting photos on FB. That is really making a fool of you.

Are you in a position where you could live on your own? Do you work? I'd feel happier knowing you weren't dependent on him.

JaynewithaY · 02/03/2015 18:18

I did feel pretty foolish when I saw the photos of him with a giant ice-cream sundae, while I was feeling sorry for him being out working at silly o'clock.

I'm definitely not dependent on him. At the moment I'm on unpaid leave to care for DS, but my Mum & Dad would have us to live there in a heartbeat, until I got sorted. I have a job with the luxury of being able to decide whether to go back full or part time and before I met DH, I owned my own house and I'm not afraid to do it again and live on my own. I'd rather do that than stay with DH and be miserable.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/03/2015 18:24
Sad

He lies habitually. He punishes you for displeasing him. He gaslights you and pretends he's doing neither.

OP he sounds awful I think you should seriously consider your future with this man.

Vivacia · 02/03/2015 18:25

What barbarian said for me Sad

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 19:01

You sound like a strong capable woman op and I'm delighted to hear you have your mum and dad's support.
Don't lose your perspective on this situation and don't forget he has proven that your feelings are so unimportant he can't even be bothered to respect you with being truthful. I'm not sure if he has it in him to salvage this but I think whatever happens you'll be okay op Wink

New posts on this thread. Refresh page