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Original poster

Am I over reacting to what DH did?

60 replies

JaynewithaY · 02/03/2015 13:06

I'd be very grateful for some alternative points of view about what my DH did this weekend and whether I'm over reacting. Apologies, I think it'll be long, but I don't want to drip feed.

By way of background, we live about 25 mins walk from our village shops and my IL's live about 5 mins from our house (closer to the shops than us). On Saturday DH and I went to the village with our baby in the pram. I wanted to go by car as I thought it looked like it might rain, but DH insisted we should walk, which we did.

DH had teased me while we were out about me thinking it would rain and on the way home, he stopped with the pram, which he was pushing, and said he was going to wait there for the rain. I carried on walking slowly, thinking he was joking and would catch me up.

When the noise of the pram wheels stopped, I turned around, DH and the baby were nowhere to be seen. I presumed he had cut down a side street he had used before which was immediately behind me (I knew you could cut down but not which turnings to take afterwards as he has lived in this area all his life, but I haven't). From this turning, it was possible for him to carry on home or go to IL's house from the opposite direction from which I was walking. He had my glasses in the baby bag, I had no house keys and 1% phone battery which he knew as we had talked about my phone, he had looked to see why it wasn't working properly and concluded it was because of low battery.

I carried on walking towards our house at a normal pace on the usual route and had to walk past IL's house to get there. When I got home there was no answer. I then got a text from DH asking if I had keys. I replied he knew I didn't and it was a nasty thing to do, leaving me and taking the baby without telling me. He replied that he'd gone to his parent's house. When I got to the IL's they were playing with the baby, had put our shopping away in their house, got the baby out of the pram, taken his coat off and got toys out.

I got upset, said I was furious with DH and we took the baby and left. Usually I would have just gritted my teeth, had a cuppa and said nothing until we got home.

DH said he had hidden behind a bush and walked behind me, stopping at his parent's house. I can not think of any bushes he might have hidden behind (pavements and roads) but he did go past the cut through when I know that they weren't behind me. He said I was unreasonable for not turning around to see where he was, but could not answer why he didn't call out or follow me home if he had done as he claimed, nor why he didn't text me until I had got home. I would have been in his sight for a further 5 minutes when he arrived at ILs (and 5 mins before that) and it would have been obvious where I was going.

My question is am I totally over reacting by being angry and upset by this? I have contacted ILs and apologised. I do make sure they see DS and invited them round twice on the days before this happened. At the moment, we're hardly speaking as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and I'm at fault for carrying on walking home. I think he owes me an apology. Wise MNers please adjudicate!

OP posts:

RubbiishMantra · 02/03/2015 13:51

A dickish and nasty thing for him to do.

MrNoseybonk · 02/03/2015 13:52

The thing is with practical jokes is, the person who the joke is played on rarely sees the funny side.
I find them very juvenile but lots of people like them without being malicious.

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/03/2015 13:52

I haven't read the other thread, but based on this one I think you're overreacting. I'd be annoyed but it was just a silly joke. If the in-laws live 5 minutes from you and you got the text as soon as you got home then presumably he got to the in-laws, got the baby out the pram, took coats off and immediately text you. The net result was you had to walk 5 mins up the road...it's hardly crime of the century.

If he'd left you on the doorstep it would be different, but he text you straight away.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 13:52

a different user name and a few changed details does not a different person make

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 13:54

you what?

Why was the shopping put away at their house?

I hope you bagged it back up and pointed out it was your shopping not a gift to them. You don't mention that you did but surely you didn't leave your shopping with them and have to buy it again?!

Utterly ridiculous. He'd hidden behind a bush? Is he 5?

peggyundercrackers · 02/03/2015 13:57

I think your over reacting, he was messing about a bit but there was no malice in it.

UndecidedNow · 02/03/2015 14:00

Surely there is a point when you do need to stop and a joke isn't a joke anymore???

Hidding from someone is a joke.

Leaving enough time for that person to wait and then walk back home before saying 'hey I'm here and I was there all the time' isn't a joke anymore.

Abandonning people as you go about, have time to go and see your parents, put all the food away (which means you are EXPECTING to stay for a long time) etc before ringing to let people know where you are is nowhere near a joke.

And then telling a lie about the fact he was just hidding behind some bushes that aren't any. And then telling another lie about the fact he was just behind her when she checked and he wasn't and she would have heard the wheel of the pram if he had (that's because she didn't hear them that she knew he wasn't there in the first place!).
And then telling her it's all her fault because she didn't look behind even though he is supposed to have being behind her for 10 mins and could have easily called her out...

Sorry but for me, 1- this was NOT a joke, 2- he did leave you on your own on purpose, 3- he is now trying to make it all your fault as you have dare speaking up in front of his parents abiout his unacceptable behaviour.

How is he behaving at other times? Was that just a one off or is it a regular issue? Any other unpalatable behaviours by any chance?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/03/2015 14:00

Nobody would make something this boring up? Sorry op but let it go. It was a childish prank, not worth falling out over.

ObsidianEagle · 02/03/2015 14:01

er guys, i dont think they're the same poster.

The other one the guy went to wash the car and they have two kid.

this is walking and a baby.

just because they have similarities, doesn't mean they're the same poster.

Homemadewhine · 02/03/2015 14:01

i am the poster who's dh left me at the chemist and have nothing to do with this poster.

Although I'd be fuming too OP.

Fwiw my DH has listened to my feelings, and says he totally understands how I felt on that day, and was upset when he realised how much it affected me (rightly or wrongly so)

VeronicaCaCa · 02/03/2015 14:02

YANBU your dh took it too far.

halfwildlingwoman · 02/03/2015 14:05

I hate practical jokes. So does DH and so we never play them on each other. Are practical jokes something you usually do? If they are then you are over-reacting. If not, then you are not. I would have been furious.

BackforGood · 02/03/2015 14:25

I think that's the point halfwilding

Some people like practical jokes, other don't.
If OP's dh did this on Saturday, then he probably is the sort who has always done this sort of thing - in which case, if the OP hates it so much as I would then surely it should have been tackled years ago and made clear to him you don't appreciate them. If it has been, and he's ignored that, then only OP can decide if it's a big enough thing to continue the relationship or not - which she clearly did as they have got married and had a baby together.
It's unlikely to be something he's just thought of doing for the first time now.

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 14:33

I'd love to know what the in-laws made if their son giving his wife the slip.

Can I ask why you had to apologise to them OP?
I can't imagine what you could have done or said that made you feel as if you were out of line in any way.
If you were angry with your dh that would have been fair enough you weren't angry with them presumably.

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 14:34

Of not if, sorry

LittleBairn · 02/03/2015 14:37

What a strange thing to do, like some weird power game he's playing.

Original poster

JaynewithaY · 02/03/2015 14:43

I'm just reading your comments, thank you for replying. I'll come back and answer any questions I've missed asap, but I haven't posted about anything like this before. I'm going to read the other post as it's similar, but it wasn't me.

I just have one DS aged 1.

UndecidedNow sums up how I was feeling perfectly. I don't think he was playing a prank and hiding behind bushes, because I can't see where he would've hidden. I think he saw me in front of him and decided for whatever reason to go down the shortcut and to his parents, leaving me to walk home. I do think he didn't expect me to say anything when I got there because I was in front of his parents and seeing how upset I was, said he'd hidden and was behind me. He definitely wasn't behind me when I turned round, but I can't prove that he didn't just hide and walked behind me. If he had hidden, walked behind me and called out, we could've both gone to his parents and there wouldn't have been a problem.

He does have form for similar things, which is why I don't know if I'm over reacting about this and need to let it go. Think saying he's working in the evening seeing clients, which isn't unusual, and then a few hours later seeing photos of him on Facebook having a meal with people from work, or saying he's working and going to his parents to do jobs for them. He has no reason to lie about where he was going, he goes to stag do's, stays away with his hobby and work. Im not his keeper and am fine with these things, I just don't like being lied to.

Two weeks ago we had a stupid non-argument when I dropped something. I cleared it up, but he broke something while I was clearing up and said I needed to take responsibility for it. I carried on with my day and didn't pay too much attention, but he walked out for 4 hours without saying where he was going. I'd let that go and thought we'd have a nice day out on Saturday when this happened.

None of the food was freezer food, just fridge and cupboard stuff, but the fact they had done so much and were settled and playing, made me wonder again if he'd taken the short cut and been there for longer than he said before he called me, rather than walking behind me and phoning as soon as he arrived.

I accept I could've phoned him. I only didn't because I really thought he'd gone home, albeit a different way and we'd just meet up there. I'd literally just found he wasn't home and got my phone out to call him when I got his text.

OP posts:

UndecidedNow · 02/03/2015 14:53

Then maybe it's time to stop accepting his lies....

How do you manage to trust him if you never know if he is doing what he says he is going to do??
And what about this 'walking out' because he broke something but it was somehow your fault???

Serioulsy, I would have a closer look at his behaviour in general.

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 14:55

Does he use these episodes to punish you for some perceived slight? Do they come after he has got annoyed about something completely different?

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 14:57

Oh op
He's a liar. How the heck can you even have meaningful communication with someone who just blatantly lies for the sake of lying. I used to work with an individual like that and eventually all communication broke down comp!etely.
When you dropped something and were clearing it up and during that process he also dropped something, was that to punish you? He wanted you to take responsibility for it because you weren't sorry enough about the first thing?
There are all sorts of alarm bells sounding for me op. He appears to be a thoroughly unpleasant dishonest person.
I'm not sure how to advise you, its a massive problem

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 14:59

Its hard to be optimistic about your relationship. He sounds so awful. He isn't going to wake up in the morning transformed into a decent man. He is the person he is now.

LittleBairn · 02/03/2015 15:00

He sounds like a compulsive liar that need to grow te fuck up.
Personally I wouldn't be able to be happy with someone like him. Does he make you happy?

What did your in-laws say about his behaviour? I know mine would be having a strong word in my DHs ear if he behaved like this in front of them.

vulgarwretch · 02/03/2015 15:21

I think even the teasing you about thinking it would rain is unacceptable. Like, 'ha ha, you thought it would rain, you were WRONG!'? My 8 year old says stuff like that sometimes. The implication is that we are idiots and he is very clever. But he is 8, we're working on it... Your dh's behaviour sounds very troubling to me.

YouAreMyRain · 02/03/2015 16:14

He sounds horrible and his behaviour is emotionally abusive. Why would he want to prove you wrong about thinking it might rain? Taking delight in someone else's mistake is just mean. He sounds nasty and petty.

On top of that he lies about working and goes out? It sounds like he enjoys sticking a finger up at you.

What do you get out of this relationship?

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 16:21

God, how can you live with a pillock like this ?

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