Hi all
Have just posted this thread about the lack of affection from my h.
Have realised that something has to change as I feel completely ineffectual and down. If I list the things which stress me out but which I don't feel I can change, I would be very grateful for ideas to help me (and others who might feel equally stuck for whatever reason) on the road to a different, happier and more independent way of thinking!
Disclaimer: I apologise for anything which seems like a first world problem and I am grateful to have a roof over my head!
The things which I am finding difficult are:
- My uncommunicative and unaffectionate husband (as per above thread).
- The fact that I am not in control of anything money wise - money goes into my account every month but he is the one who juggles everything else and owns the (mortgaged though there is some equity, not sure how much at this point) properties (this makes him sound like some kind of magnate but he really isn't - property is one element to his business and he rents a couple of them out, is developing a third and 2 are sitting there unused and undeveloped for the moment - this is in addition to the house we live in).
We have been together for 19 years, 13 of those married, yet everything is in his name which I really don't like (though I do own half of the flat that my sister lives in). H has made all the decisions with regard to the properties. I realise it is his business but this latest decision I think was a bit of a gamble and the proof of it is that he has run out of money to keep on developing it. He keeps on making dire comments about how little money he has which makes me anxious as I don't have a handle on any of the figures if you see what I mean.
The other big thing with regard to his properties is that one of them (a shop with basement) he bought without telling me. I found out about 6 or 7 months later but he lied and said that he was going to buy it but hadn't. About 3 months after (at Christmas) I realised that in fact he HAD bought it. I confronted him and he (defensively) said that he was trying to sell it. I don't think this is true either and he has apparently started doing it up but is very evasive about what he intends to use it for - and never ever talks about it. I only find out he is going there sometimes because I ask him where he is going, not because he says. Maybe it's a glorified man cave?? He occasionally goes there but has never shown it to me and the dc do not even know about it. Yet I have heard him talking to his brother at length about it .
Sorry this is turning into an essay and it was supposed to be bullet points!
Another prong to the property thing is that h has often said he wants to go and live in Spain and apparently blames me for not going there 10 years ago though it was never really on the cards. He knows that I do not want to go there to live (and h is one for daydreaming aloud about lots of stuff). He recently said he might buy himself a cheap hovel and that now is the time to do it (market wise in Spain). That leaves me thinking - what, is he going there by himself and what about me being able to buy myself a cheap hovel somewhere as well??? Or maybe it's him just daydreaming aloud again.
I suppose the crux of the matter is that I feel out of control. We have lived in our current house for 17 years and I would really like a change now, but no change will happen unless h agrees completely and it is something HE wants to do (though of course both would have to be happy with a decision). He holds all the strings so I have to sit tight until something happens in I don't know how many years . Even then he would expect any future family home to be bought in his name only and this makes me really , in a way I would rather not move than move to another property again in h's name . We have three dc and I have been a SAHM (am now trying to get back into work but have confidence / self esteem issues, not that that's an excuse). Though I haven't worked as physically hard as he has, I have given a lot of my life. He does not see it this way and thinks that if I want my own house I should work for it . So what was I doing all this time contributing to our family (and for the 6 years before we had kids when I was working and used my money to buy the food etc...)???
So I feel that I have given a lot in terms of looking after the dc etc... but that it is not recognised in real terms by h. He knows this is the family home, but really he considers everything to be his (and I think he may have bought the latest shop and not told me about it in an effort to hide assets - maybe I am wrong though). So despite being a middle aged adult, I am in the position of a child .
There is no will or insurance and I haven't got a clue what would happen if h were to die or be incapacitated. H does not want to discuss these things and becomes cross and defensive. He is divorced from his first wife who got the family home (while he got a smaller building) which is partly what informs his attitude. He is very mistrustful and pretty cynical.
Anyway, must move on to the positive things. Apologies for the essay if you have read this far!
THINGS I CAN CONTROL WHICH WILL HELP WITH THE FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS AND HOPELESSNESS
- Declutter the house (there are cluttered corners and it is generally full of stuff). Then cleaning will be a lot easier.
- Eat better and do the yoga home sequence I am always meaning to do.
- Go for walks in the park.
- Organise the dcs' bedrooms better and get them to a position where they are more independent and do more for themselves (which they should be doing anyway as they are almost 9, almost 11 and 13).
- Just be more organised in general with paperwork. Finding more activities to take the dc to. More things to do at the weekend so that we don't sit around quite so much.
- Do all the backlog of things that I need to do for myself - like go to the dentist.
- Get myself back into work. Maybe this should have been number 1.
Am constantly battling days where I don't feel good enough. I have a qualification as a Teaching Assistant and lots of voluntary experience so am hoping to get work through an agency in the summer term. Still have to approach the agencies though.
- Organise outings / evenings with friends.
What are the tactics that you use if you ever feel down and out of control?