Is it a relationship if your partner never touches you on a daily basis

[wondering2]

and mostly sleeps with you only if you initiate it (though the sex us then good or at least I think it is!)?

This is what it is like with my h. Asked him to give me a squeeze yesterday as we were lying in bed chatting (I had my arms around him but he generally he just lies there or gives my hand a squeeze which feels like I am making all the effort) and he started complaining (I guess it feels like a straitjacket if someone asks for attention in that way). He said him just being there was a kind of cuddle (yeah right). I pointed out that he had no problem cuddling the dc (which he really doesn't, he is very affectionate with them) and he said that they are special. When I looked at him like (aren't I special to him too??), he said he meant that they are little.

Anyway, apart from making me feel he can't be bothered and doesn't really care, it also makes me feel unattractive.

[wondering2]

Sorry about typos.

[WildFlowerWoman]

It's difficult to have an intimate relationship when you have young children, that's one of the reasons why so many relationships get stale and couples stop having sex. If your husband makes you feel unloved and unattractive then you will have to make time for each other, and you will have to let him know how you feel. Do you go out as a couple much? Do you get much time alone together? If not, then perhaps it's time you made some changes. Best to take action now or the situation could get worse.

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

Oh I know how you feel. Iwas has a good point.

With us, 'D'P denies there is an issue. But the thing is that he did used to be affectionate - VERY affectionate.

He stopped being affectionate when he stopped caring for me (IMO - he denies this but all evidence proves otherwise).

So I'm not really in a position to give advice - I'm still trying to work out why I haven't left him already...

[Sylvana]

My DH is exactly the same OP, so I really feel for you. My DH has always been like that, very sexually reserved, I would even use the term sexually repressed. He isn't affectionate at all, doesn't do hugs, kisses, holding hands. He would do these things if I ask though He is a good man in every other way. When we do have sex, it's usually always initiated by me, and it is very good. My therapist once said he is like that as a result of his upbringing. I have no advice for you unfortunately but I really emphasise.

[Sylvana]

Empathize!

[Christinayang1]

I think you need to find out the reasons why. If he just isn't a very affectionate or tactile person that is one thing however if he used to be and has stopped then he needs to tell you why

Either way you need to be able to tell him what you need from him and he needs to listen

[ChopUpYourHeart]

It's weird to understand if you enjoy physical contact/cuddles but not everyone does.

My friend's mother is like this. She is open about the fact that as a child she was never hugged or cuddled so didn't really experience it. Being hugged or cuddled is something that she wants to get away from. It makes her feel claustrophobic. She can't understand why or how for example people who are upset can get physical comfort from a hug - as she feels nothing.

It was a very interesting conversation when she was talking about it. It's kind of like speaking another language and not being able to understand the Japanese. You get that someone is speaking and maybe able to get that they are sad/happy/animated but at the end of the day, you have no clue what they are on about.

[MrsGuyGarvey]

Honest I think not. Yes having small children around takes its toll, but how hard is it to hold someone's had or gently put your hand on them as you pass in the kitchen. I don't think its about the actual touching it's about not wanting to. Unless he's always been this way in which case you have to ask yourself what's changed if it didn't bother you before.

[Sylvana]

OP, in the early years of my marriage I would have thrown my arms around my DH for a hug, reached out to hold his hand, cuddled into him on the sofa, reached up for a kiss. He would have responded, of course. But it was always initiated by me. After many years of this I just longed for him to grab me, kiss me passionately and throw me on the bed . But I know this is never going to happen with my DH because it's just not who he is. I've come to terms with it, I suppose.

Has your DH always been like this ?

[whothehellknows]

I'm one of the non-huggers, OP. I did used to enjoy hugging and cuddling my ex before I had kids, but somehow that reduced drastically once I was a mum. It might be partly because I feel so "touched out" by having my kids constantly demanding cuddles, sitting on my lap, being in my bed.

It didn't help that he used to do jokey cuddles, like coming up behind me and grabbing my boobs while I was washing up, or stopping me to "pay the toll" when I'd try to pass him in the kitchen. It just made me feel so claustrophobic and pissed off, like "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"

It didn't mean I didn't love him. More that I needed a break and some time to myself.

[Sylvana]

I can see how that could be annoying who ...

[bobsnotmyuncle]

OP I could have written your post. It's taken a few years but I know dh loves me and we are in every other way compatible.

We've talked about it a lot and have come close to splitting a couple of times over it but I've just had to accept this is who he is and try not to take it personally. I've never really gotten to the bottom of it though.

Sylvana - interesting what your therapist said about his upbringing, can I ask if she gave any specific examples?

[wondering2]

Thanks for your answers. Today has really not been a good day for me and the whole lack of affection thing is getting to me. Have left our bed to sleep in another room as felt so upset by h turning his back on me in bed just now. Sounds ridiculous I know but there is a context. H very difficult to talk to about stuff like this as he gets defensive and cross.

When he says the dc are "little" they are not that little. They are almost 9, almost 11 and 13! I guess he means that they really need that kind of attention from their parents. I can only assume from his attitude towards me that he can kind of take me or leave me and isn't particularly bothered.

The thing is I REALLY need a different type of connection. I feel unattractive and unwanted particularly as h has his head buried in a computer when he is home and is away a lot at the moment.

Leaving is not something I want to do for many reasons and I think would be more painful than what I am going through at the moment but boy I feel terrible right now. Am lying here crying . I guess it feels like the end of the road for me as a woman iyswim and it really hurts.

[wondering2]

Feel quite down. Maybe it's partly hormonal as have that hopeless feeling. There is a lot more to write about h and I but I don't know where to start.

Have been wondering how I can get my needs for affection met while staying married ?

Am 46 and have been with h for 19 years (). Do I just have to accept that my affective and sexual life is like this now?

[Sylvana]

OP, my therapist suggested couple counselling to me. He said this can definitely be resolved. I was attending therapy for an eating disorder and the subject of my marriage came up. You should really consider this, especially if the rest of your marriage is good.

bobs he didn't go into detail but I remember him saying it was learned behaviour from his parents. He said some people who had little affection from their parents as children would have difficulty showing affection to their partner in a relationship. His parents were good people but were definitely not tactile or expressive. My parents would have been similar but yet I crave affection ... so I don't really understand it to be honest.

[blueberrypie0112]

I barely hug my older 13 son. How he managed to do that? I am glad he is trying to be a better parent than his own, though

I am a non hugger too but my mom wasn't hugger either. My dad's hug would squeeze the life out of me (and tells me he loves me). I didn't like it but I didn't hate it either if that make sense.

[daisychain01]

Just another perspective, I wonder if being affectionate is nature or nurture (for me it is nature). As a child I was never hugged, cuddled, sat on anyone's lap pretty much from birth. Families on both parents sides were never affectionate in the slightest. However I am by nature a very tactile person, so it must be the way I am as a person.

Likewise some people struggle even remembering to be affectionate even though they had loads of hugs as a child. Maybe they feel self sufficient and don't need it but I think it can be a sign of selfishness -sorry if that is judgemental but what does it take to give a hug?

I can't advise you to give up on your marriage, but if it affects you badly, makes you miserable then I would recommend counselling and also tell your DH how it affects you. If he cares he will try to compromise and make an effort to give you some physical signs of affection.

[daisychain01]

Thats a very interesting point blueberry I think it would make me feel claustrophobic if someone hugged me to the point of excess. There's a balance I think.

[wondering2]

Hi

Thanks for the messages.

Feeling better this morning in the cold light of day. The weekly things resume. H has gone away - don't know for how long, could be all week. It's just me and the kids then and at least I don't have to watch him being super affectionate with them while being functional with me.

Re. my 13 year old, h would be all cuddly with him too but ds is not really into it.

H was affectionate in the beginning but maybe that was in the first throes of passion? I am guessing that his parents were not affectionate with each other - I have never met his Dad who is dead. His family (from another culture but been in the UK for a long time now) are very much focused on the children in the family while being very self-sufficient stubborn and arsey types.

H himself is a workaholic and very self-absorbed. He is also 12 years older than me so 58 now. Maybe his testosterone is dropping off? The thing is we don't talk about anything of any importance so things like this never get aired other than for him to say that I am not a child (so don't need the things the dc need in his eyes). He did say the other day that if he were 23 he would be rampant (while looking at me) but what I really need to have is a proper conversation asking him if he still finds me attractive or not and why he seems to detached. He works very hard and gets very tired / stressed, but doesn't really allow other people an input because he is very much in charge iyswim.

He went off this morning and I asked him for a hug. He did give me one and put two arms on my back which felt good, but he would never ever do this without being asked. Most of the time if I give him a hug during the day he just stands there.

I guess it is hard not to think that I am old and past it in his eyes? I think I look ok. Some days I like how I look, some days I don't. But boy I really yearn for a compliment and for some lust. Is it still possible at 46?

Thanks again for all your messages. For those in the same situation - I empathize too! It is horrible.

We went for counselling about 2 / 3 years ago daisy but it wasn't a success as h stopped coming after 4 or 5 sessions. I have told him many times (one way or the other) that I need some physical affection but he does not really take it on board, or does (in bed ) for a bit before it reverts to normal.

The thing is I am not asking for the world. Just the odd hug, kind word or physical acknowledgement. Also some sex (which does happen but then 4 weeks might elapse before it happens again ).

[wondering2]

why he seems so detached

put two hands on my back, not arms

[wondering2]

whothehellknows - do you think the different needs for affection that you and your ex had contributed to your break up (though I can see that the pay the toll thing would have been annoying!)?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Fundamentally, any relationship where the two people in it want different things has problems. Compromises are normal but when the incompatibility centres around something that is very, very important for one person and totally unimportant to the other then it can become a fatal flaw.

If your partner is unwilling or unable to adjust even a little, despite knowing how important this is to you, then you're left with some pretty stark choices of either a lifetime spent feeling rejected, or finding a more compatible partner.

FWIW... being 58 and/or being a workaholic do not prevent anyone from being affectionate.

[wondering2]

Thanks cogito. Yes I agree that the difference is a pretty fundamental one. I can't help thinking though that if I was more this or that he would be kinder / more affectionate.

I need to make some changes to my life and might start another thread for ideas. Leaving is not what I want to do because I honestly think it would be worse than this and I don't want to be away from the dc half the time, but maybe I have to adjust my thinking and also what I do every day so that I can be happier...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's terribly sad that this is making you feel inadequate and that it's damaging your confidence. Yes, it's probably a good idea for your self-esteem to find other ways to feel valued and appreciated that are completely outside of your partner. However, once you're at that point, there isn't much of a relationship

Does his disregard of your needs extend to other things? You describe him as a workaholic and self-absorbed, for example. You say he doesn't allow other people to have an input because he is in charge.... is that how it works at home as well? Are you overlooked or dismissed? Do you think he takes it for granted that, because you'd never leave, you'll put up with pretty much anything... so he has carte blanche to do as he pleases? Do you ever challenge him?

And what's the atmosphere like for your DCs in your home? Mum sobbing, feeling inadequate and lonely ..... Dad a stressed and self-absorbed cold fish..... doesn't sound like a lot of laughs. Children can easily misinterpret parents' unhappiness as their own fault or responsibility.