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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did something stupid and wrong. Now can't stop obsessing over it

42 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:42

I noticed today when on google on my phone that it was logged in to DP's gmail account- I think he had used my phone to access it at some point. Anyway, I INCREDIBLY stupidly went through his email :(

The thing is that I found nothing untoward whatsoever from the time of our relationship starting. In fact, he even had a friend trying to hook him up with another woman when we had been together a month, but he said no because he was with me. So I should have stopped there.

But no. I continued back through his emails and found old emails to and from an ex. And now I can't stop thinking about them. They were loving and funny and sweet, just like his communications with me. He wrote loveiy things to her, as he does with me. And I know it's really stupid but I feel as though it has made what we have less special somehow. I know he hadn't even met me at that point, which is what makes it so irrational and ridiculous, but I can't stop the thoughts!

The other issue I have is that now I feel horribly guilty and feel I ought to tell him what I've done, but I'm scared he will be very upset and it will damage our relationship :(

I love him so much. Please help and advise me here.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:43

Ps: I have now logged out of his account on my phone, as I should have done from the start.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/03/2015 23:46

You shouldn't have looked - but you know that.

Forget about it. No need to tell him - you've done no harm.

He has been nothing but loyal to you. Take some confidence from that and move on with your lives.

OuchLegoHurts · 01/03/2015 23:47

Did you never speak or write lovingly to a ex? And if so, does that take away from the way you feel about him, or make it less special? No? You need to remind yourself of that when you start to feel paranoid or unsettled, I reckon

Dwerf · 01/03/2015 23:48

Don't tell him. Be reassured about two things; firstly, and most importantly, you now know he's loyal, faithful and moral. Secondly, yes, he loved someone before, and what they had was special, but what you have is special too. And long may that last.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:51

Santa I feel as though I have done harm though, to the trust he has in me :(
Ouch I think part of the problem is that I had a very unhappy relationship with my abusive ex for years before I met him, so him being loving and sweet feels really unusual and special to me. Reading his words to another woman diminished that feeling, I guess.

OP posts:
SisterMerror · 01/03/2015 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlDownUnder · 01/03/2015 23:52

In the course of most peoples lives we will fall in love with more than one person. While each love feels unique unfortunately the language we use is limited.

With DH we have 'pet' names and phrases and in jokes that I know are ours alone, what do you and your DP have that is just yours?

It might help if you stop comparing what is similar in both relationships, and think about what is unique to just you two.

Flowers
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:52

I am really surprised by people saying not to tell him. I feel as though he deserves to know what a bitch I've been :(

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2015 23:53

It's in the past. And it doesn't make what you two have now any less special.

I can completely understand that seeing them will have made you feel a bit fragile, but things move on. He's with you now, and he's obviously loyal to you.

Try to put it behind you and be kind to yourself

SisterMerror · 01/03/2015 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:54

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am sobbing here but it is helping! Flowers

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2015 23:54

You haven't been a bitch. You've been insecure. There is a huge, massive difference.

GirlDownUnder · 01/03/2015 23:55

You've not been a bitch Shock - are you always so harsh on yourself?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:56

I don't know if I'm being harsh on myself. I just know that I feel so awful about mistrusting him like that :(

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2015 23:57

Erm, ok - so you've had an abusive ex. Tbh that is going to affect you in a big way - no wonder you checked back, you poor thing Sad

Might I suggest that part of you can't actually believe that someone/something good has happened to you and that there might, might be a degree of self sabotage? I may be way out on this of course, just an idea.

GirlDownUnder · 01/03/2015 23:58

Did you look out of mis-trust or just because it was there?

Did you try and snoop or look just because it was there?

See for me the intent matters.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/03/2015 23:59

oh fourfoxache that is exactly how I feel Blush in fact, I was saying that to DP the other day. I am so happy and I feel as though someone is going to come and tap me on the shoulder and say 'erm, excuse me, there's been a mistake. You don't deserve this.'

OP posts:
SisterMerror · 02/03/2015 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/03/2015 00:00

I looked because it was there, I guess, but I didn't have to keep looking.
Also, once I found one or two emails, I did a search on the ex's name so that I could read them all Blush now that's really despicable, isn't it? Sad

OP posts:
Dwerf · 02/03/2015 00:01

You gain nothing by telling him. (Neither does he actually, he obviously loves you, why cast a shadow on that? ) It's human nature to look, especially if you're feeling insecure. Now you've seen his true (and lovely) nature, so allow yourself to be reassured. Put it behind you and enjoy what you both have.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/03/2015 00:02

Thank you dwerf. He really does love me, I know. I just can't quite believe my luck, I guess.

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 02/03/2015 00:02

No, it's human - well, it's what I would have done too, just because I'm nosey and even tho I know I should know better Smile

SisterMerror · 02/03/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlDownUnder · 02/03/2015 00:07

Polly used to be a lot like you - my internal dialog was terrible. I was so, so hard on my self. Far harsher than I would have ever been to anyone else, even those that probably deserved it.
I also self sabotaged.

Best thing I ever did was to realise I was not able to fix myself, so I sought expert help and now I'm whole.

Dwerf · 02/03/2015 00:07

Ah, more posts. You're waiting for it all to come crashing down, because of history and abusive ex mindfuckery.

So you snooped a bit, you didn't find what you feared, only the opposite. Consider this the guy you're going to be with always, start believing that. Because any other way is only going to foster doubt and insecurity. What you did may have been wrong, but is understandable. Again, put it behind you and let it go. Don't give in to these insecurities, you've found enough evidence to quell them. Now look forward.