Did something stupid and wrong. Now can't stop obsessing over it

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I noticed today when on google on my phone that it was logged in to DP's gmail account- I think he had used my phone to access it at some point. Anyway, I INCREDIBLY stupidly went through his email :(

The thing is that I found nothing untoward whatsoever from the time of our relationship starting. In fact, he even had a friend trying to hook him up with another woman when we had been together a month, but he said no because he was with me. So I should have stopped there.

But no. I continued back through his emails and found old emails to and from an ex. And now I can't stop thinking about them. They were loving and funny and sweet, just like his communications with me. He wrote loveiy things to her, as he does with me. And I know it's really stupid but I feel as though it has made what we have less special somehow. I know he hadn't even met me at that point, which is what makes it so irrational and ridiculous, but I can't stop the thoughts!

The other issue I have is that now I feel horribly guilty and feel I ought to tell him what I've done, but I'm scared he will be very upset and it will damage our relationship :(

I love him so much. Please help and advise me here.

I understand - I've been in a similar position. It's like you're just waiting for the bombshell that you irrationally "know" (ie think) is heading your way. And instead of sitting back waiting for it to happen, you're actively seeking it out. Afterall, if you seek it out, then it takes away the possibility of being surprised, what with having gone searching for it in the first place.

The only thing I can advise is that you're open with the fact that you're a little bit insecure (but I wouldn't tell him about snooping fwiw - he doesn't need to know the details!)

(Now) DH and I sort of worked through it together - he was ridiculously patient and, with time, my insecurities reduced massively. I can't say they have gone completely - maybe there is a part of you that changes irrevocably when something bad happens? - but they are now so minimal that they rarely register.

You are all so kind. Thank you. The other issue is that our relationship is currently long distance (sorry to drip feed) and DP is in a different time zone, which means that I can't always talk to him when I want to and I tend to get a bit anxious and insecure.

Four weeks to go until we see each other again though, which isn't long

Oh Polly that makes it even harder - especially when you're feeling a bit fragile anyway

Four weeks isn't long.

Could you plan to do something fabulous together when you meet up? Might help to concentrate your energy into doing something wonderful and romantic and positive.

To be honest, just being together is going to be fabulous in itself :) I just can't wait! I feel a lot less insecure when we are actually together.

I totally know where you're coming from as I've been there myself. I had a long think to myself and wondered if I'd have felt any better if he wasn't so nice to his ex. And the answer would be no. You are not any less special and the reason he was so lovely to his ex is probably because you have yourself a really lovely guy! What would you think if you found he'd spoke to her like shit? It's says more about him it does her.

So remind yourself that this lovely guy is with you. No need to tell him.

Oh you've done a really stupid thing, you feel guilty about it, but you haven't killed a kitten!

Learn from this, if you feel like snooping on him again, unless he gives you reason to distrust, remember how you feel now and use that to do the right thing next time.

Everyone has a past, it's nice that he was caring and loving to his ex when they were together, far better that than you finding a load of abusive crap, it shows he's a good partner.

Aw. You are all so lovely. Thank you- you've really helped me to calm down. I won't tell DP but will focus, as Hooty says, on not snooping again and trying to trust DP more.

to everyone who has helped with wise, kind posts

I'm a nosey sod as well, so I understand. It's fine, though. Don't tell him - there is nothing to gain and potentially it can cause a lot of trouble.

Honestly, just put it out of your mind. We all love other people during our lives. Some of us have kids with people other than our current husbands ;)

Just think what a lovely DP you have, he treats women respectfully, both his past relationships and now you and he are together. Imagine how you would have felt if those past emails had been unkind or abusive.

You have a 'keeper' there!

Don't even think about telling him about looking, it will add no value and you did it in a moment of weakness and insecurity. Hey who amongst us is always perfect and never does something we haven't regretted. I'd just forget it and focus on having an amazing time with your DP.

I was in a LDR for 6 years and living together for 2 years and counting.

Oh Polly I genuinely feel for you - change a few minor details and I could have written your post myself.

Same position, had an abusive ex and now with amazing fella but am stressing myself silly thinking about his past, found a load of his old letters, read them - OBVIOUSLY as I have NO self control. It's some weird self-punishment drive, he has done nothing other than be amazing but it's just a way of being mean to myself by torturing thinking about how he cared about other people and they're probably better than me so he'll leave etc etc.. *downward crazy mental spiral of doom....

ANYWAY - everyone else is right, and I too got comfort from their replies Remind yourself this is normal having gone through a horrible time before, and just try to focus on the present and that he's with YOU now.

Also something that's helped me is when you start thinking about it get in the habit of shifting your brain to think about something happy, decide on this happy thing beforehand, so that when you realise you're ruminating you can quickly shift your brain to something nice. Sounds simplistic but is actually hard, and you don't realise how much your mind tends to drift and then dwell on these negative things-and the dwelling doesn't ever get you any place but sad-town/insecureville.

Finally be kind to yourself! You're being really hard on yourself, so be gentle and patient and be reassured that you're not horrible and mean, just human and finding it hard to trust and be happy-new relationships make us feel vulnerable at the best of times, let alone when you've been treated badly.

Also, FWIW I did tell my bf about the snooping, he was simply sad I put myself through it and didn't tell him at the time but wasn't mad, and understands I'm just finding it hard. I felt better about being open (although I was very ashamed of having done it). It was reassuring that he just reacted in a really kind way. Perhaps just see how you feel once you're with him. I definitely don't think you need to absolve your so called "wrong-doing" but if it would help facilitate a chat about your past, how to feel more secure, build trust etc then go ahead.

Argh sorry this is so long!! Just really feel for you!!

I think its absolutely wrong to go snooping on his phone and not tell him and be open & honest about what you done - is hiding things the way to go forward in a relationship? absolutely not. by not telling him your effectively lying to him because you went behind his back.

im more than happy to give anyone access to my phone or computer or anything else they want to look at but if I found you done it behind my back and didn't tell me about it that would be a deal breaker for me - you have abused my trust then - no trust = no relationship

I cant believe how many 2 faced people there are on MN saying don't tell him - if the boot was on the other foot and it was a man doing this people would be shouting from the rooftops about his abuse of your trust!

NoSex, that sounds pretty miserable for you, tbh.

How is he with you? You say he doesn't like to compliment you - that has to have an impact on your self esteem. Also the sexual matters - how do you know that? Did he tell you or did you read it?

The gross invasion of his privacy is not acceptable, but you know this OP.

Just depends how much stake is put in honesty now.

I hope many days later you have realised that what you did was just an honest mistake and there is no need to be so harsh on yourself! Enjoy life and maybe do something nice just you and him soon, I think you both deserve it