evaluate dh reaction and in-laws comments

[countrymusic]

Hi,

dh's family has a habit of talking bad behind everyone's back, specially his mum feels she has being wronged by everyone at some point but she might be best friends with them in a matter of few days. I have minimal contact with her, even when she is visiting, I hardly talk to her (previous history of not getting along). I have heard that MIL's sister has apparently said that how worried she is that I don't know their customs and traditions and how will I ever pass it to my children. We have no children yet. MIL's brother said how I act as a guest when I visit MIL's home and not help with dinner etc. I have visit them for about about 4-5 days every 2 years. I feel so criticised and monitored that I don't even feel like attempting to do anything and go and sit in a room. The relationship is not harmonious to go and help them, its just a matter of visiting them with husband. They give so many errands to dh that he is hardly at their home with me. I have decided not to visit them again as I'm always going to be fault at something. My husband's uncle and aunty have not said these things about me to him directly, they all have been passed on by MIL. MIL can start a conversation with someone and use their response against you. So there is a doubt that MIL has said something about me to her sister and brother and telling just their response as if they are saying all these things themselves.

My husband listens to all such things and just says there is nothing like that, there is no need, people doing it aren't happy etc and tries to minimise the issue at hand. Since these things have been said in the past, my husband doesn't want to bring it up again and says whenever I want to discuss I only want to fight. He has told MIL that her own behaviour has made me distance from herself and had the talks. I moved past MIL's sister and brothers' comments but this time when she was visiting, MIL said to my husband that he has married the wrong women and how I have kicked her out of our lives. To what husband says he replied that he married who he wanted to marry.

I don't think that's the right response. He came to me telling me, this is what mum said and really this is what happened to her, isn't it. I'm so mad at him that rather than addressing what she said about being marrying the wrong women, he is more focused to the point that I have kicked her out of our lives and wanted an answer from me on that. I have asked my husband not to tell me whatever they have to say about me. It is all very upsetting, specially I don't talk to her and can't address the issue and it was said behind my back. Now its been one month since I am not intimate with him - may be I'm being unreasonable but his lack of strong response to her mum and instead asking me about it has been a sticking point. Now he says this is old stuff and if I'll hold onto things said in the past like I always have, I'm causing unnecessary conflict. But obviously everything said becomes things said in the past, am not sure how to deal with this. Do I just keep dropping such stuff, it doesn't matter what they say etc. I know my every day life is not affected but it does piss me off big time. wwyd?

marrying the wrong woman and sorry for other typos. Emotions running high

I have to say the first thing that struck me was how rude I would think a DiL was if she came to stay in my home for 4 and 5 days but didn't muck in and help, but took herself off to sit alone in another room.

Re the Aunty and Uncle - I wouldn't worry about anything they might have said, if you already think that your MiL likes to bitch about people when they aren't there. If they are rude to you directly then challenge them on it, but take any 'reporting back' with a large pinch of salt.

I think lots and lots and lots of people find it difficult to form a relationship with their parents in law. It's an odd thing to be thrown together with a family who have different ways of doing things from yourself, but I think it's a part of marriage that you make an effort to try to get on with the people who brought your spouse into the world, and steered them through childhood to become the adult you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

Tbh, I can't quite understand your anger at your husband - from what you've said, he did tell his Mum that he chose the woman he loved, to marry, and didn't just 'take' what she'd said.

Are they Indian by any chance? I married into an Indian family and some of the behaviours sound familiar to me...

I think you sound like hard work. Sorry.

I have to say the first thing that struck me was how rude I would think a DiL was if she came to stay in my home for 4 and 5 days but didn't muck in and help, but took herself off to sit alone in another room.

Backforgood could not agree more!

We have no children yet. MIL's brother said how I act as a guest when I visit MIL's home and not help with dinner etc. I have visit them for about about 4-5 days every 2 years. I feel so criticised and monitored that I don't even feel like attempting to do anything and go and sit in a room.

God! Are you my SIL? Not kidding sounds the same - and this is SO rude.

She turns up, acts like the queen - expects to be waited on hand and foot - for years never offered even to carry out a dish, let alone help.And it wasn't the actual helping that was the issue - it was the OFFER. Never wrote a thank you note. Never brought a bottle of wine. Nada. Just turned up to stay and acted like it was a hotel.

Buggered off and sat in room with her nose pressed up against her i-pad.

My Mother thinks my brother married the wrong person for him. And so do I. And so does our brother.

Her manners and behaviour are just plain rude and don't fit with us or how we behave. Maybe your husband's family think the same of you and maybe they are right!

Sure your husband married who he wanted to marry - but it may have been force of circumstance or happenstance. It may not mean it was the best choice for him. And frankly it probably wasn't. There are a lot of people in the world - no "right" or "mr/mrs perfect". He'd bound to have been able to find another woman he loved who fitted in better with his family.

There are two sides to every story and maybe, actually, they are justified in not liking you because you have not made an effort to behave with good manners and have relied on your husband's love for you trumping his family relationships.

It's all very very sad. But I suspect you have personally massively contributed to the distance between your husband and your MIL - and deliberately because it suited you.

Yes we are Indians. Didn't want to start typical a MIL thread but she treated me very badly. I was not the free maid that they wanted so they basically now treat me like an outsider. I have to hide in a room as when I try to join them, first thing they ask is if I can speak their language yet etc. I was putting up with a lot in the beginning trying to be part of the family but I was lacking either in traditional values, housework, language or religious interests. The fact that we don't talk to each other and without my husband at home, it is so awkward and fake. There is no close family dinner, its always a a big extended family dinner so hires 2 cooks, not doing it herself. I agree that it is rude but I have tried to make an effort initially, they criticised me from how I chop onions to how bland the food was and that I still have a lot to learn. I don't want to visit them and show this attitude, I would rather not go. But as a couple I have been going for husband's sake.

The dinner thing is very awkward, the person who does the first serving is the least ranking female in the family. I do not want to be that person so I don't do the first serving. I think the right thing is that either the host should do it or everyone just serve themselves, why put me on that spot, rolling eyes and making me feel awful? All the men sit first, then females ranking in their order and the last one to eat is the DIL.

I'm angry at husband as it means he accepted that I'm the wrong woman and had come back to me asking what I did to MIL on top. I have not come in between them, she comes to live with us for 3-4 months at a stretch. She annoys me till no end and then leaves with remarks about me. From my perspective, they have not welcomed me in their family, they don't respect my individuality.

He had those talks after forcing him enough to speak up but in the end, I was past what MIL's family say about me. But every time we meet they have some strong opinion about me. This time she has said I'm the wrong woman. Now may be I am the wrong one but I wouldn't take such a comment from my family about my husband. I had to become hard work otherwise they try their best to put me back in my box kitchen. I was too naive, trying to please them in the beginning. I know they strongly feel that I'm the wrong one but seriously shouldn't my husband be the one going to his family if he felt that way?

You must have sensed this way before you got married. Why did you marry him?

If the culture you married into (And you say you are Indian too) has all this formality around dinner service/lowest ranking female etc, then you either respect the culture and knuckle down, OR you realise that if you don't you will cause offence. If you want to take a stand (and I'd fully respect that) then that's fine, but you have to accept that you will cause offence and you'll have to live with it.

From my perspective, they have not welcomed me in their family, they don't respect my individuality.

From their perspective, you have not tried to be welcome in their family and you don't respect their culture or values.

Both parts equally to blame. However, it's really wrong to force your husband to choose between his close loving family and you.

He married the wrong person as did you by the sound of it. Men aren't so scarce that couldn't have found one just as nice whose family liked you.

Thanks for replying. I knew there will be some in-law trouble but only after experiencing it, I found it so very hard to live with. I'm not too fussed about being the 'right' woman but if my husband thought I'm not right for him and had problems with me, it would make more sense. I don't think MIL should make that remark behind my back. If we are going fine, why do they feel so strongly to say such stuff and stir things up.

While I sympathise about your situation, I think you could help yourself more by trying to integrate, be friendlier and even follow some customs especially when visiting at their home.

I think you need to lay off your DH as I don't think he has done anything wrong. It seems like you wanted him to fly off the handle when his mother made the comments about you, but she has a right to express her opinion, and he seems to have tried to handle a difficult situation well, by being honest and sticking up for you while not falling out with his family. I'd hope that any children you go on to have would handle similar situations as diplomatically.

You are not prepared to settle into the DIL role the in-laws envisaged for you. It has never been plain sailing with MIL but you are now withholding intimacy, (sex?) from your H because you dislike how he defends you to his mother, ie you are taking it out on him?

As you prefer not to communicate directly, you give the impression you are hiding behind H. If you go to the effort of travelling to visit his family, why would you refuse to follow any of their traditions and sit apart in another room? Better not to go at all. It doesn't look to me as if he will stop his mother visiting. I don't know how well H gets on with your own family btw? If at some point you and he start a family I'm sure your in-laws will be keen to bury the hatchet.

It sounds as if your H has told MIL he married the person he wanted to marry. He has warned her that is her attitude towards you that has triggered you keeping your distance. That doesn't sound like a man who places his parents on a pedestal above his DW.

I tried to integrate and follow some customers but they can find fault at one thing or another and all my efforts go to waste as only the negativity gets passed around. MIL sends husband out to run errands all day and it feels like an interrogation as they start with a list of questions. I obviously have not learnt all that - neither his language or religion. They are conveniently oblivious that I may be feeling bad and feel they need to check on my progress.

It is obvious that they don't like me. But after she has specifically said this, how can I ever visit her again. Then they will blame me for it later.

I would want my partner for life to fly off the handle for me and not be diplomatic. Unless I was unhappy in my marriage and went to my family with my problems, I would fly off the handle if anyone in my family said such stuff about my husband, but that's me.

I really appreciate the responses. I'm justifying myself but I'm also taking notes from the responses where you think I'm unreasonable.

I would want my partner for life to fly off the handle for me and not be diplomatic

Says it all.....you want him to fall out with his family because you don't like them. Well, he's to going to, and m another one who thinks you sound like very hard work. If you want to cut yourself off, if you really think you have valid reasons, then do so, but it's not fair to expect your husband to. It's his family, and from what you have said, he has tried his best to keep everyone happy, including sticking up for you.

Just as an aside, I'm wondering what the reaction would be to a man who came on here and said he was withholding sex from his wife because he didn't like her family.......

Well really I do not want them to fall out like forever. But it isn't fair that I'm told stuff about me after about a month or two then ask not to bring this up because it was said in the past. I don't meet the language or religion expectations so I know that they don't like me for it. I have not stopped my husband from talking, meeting, visiting his family but I want him to stop them talking shit about me behind my back but if they can't resist then at least not tell me. But he expects me to know it and not raise it as it was said in the past, when I have just come to know.

It was one thing that MIL's sister said I don't have the traditional values, I know MIL's brother felt I was rude that I didn't serve him his first portion on the dinner that was hosted by MIL. MIL is now saying that I'm not the right choice. She comes and stays with us for 4 months an leaves with this remark. She said I kicked her out when she has been staying at ours for 4 months! We made it quite clear in the beginning that I wasn't going to do the traditional stuff but she keeps forgetting it.

I feel insulted as if husband and MIL have no shortcomings. Yes I want a stronger response because every time someone has said something about me, I'm made to suck it up as a thing in the past so yes I'm mad at him. Call me hard work!

Its not about withholding sex, I feel distant from him. What I meant in my original post is that we are loosing the intimacy due to such comments about me.

Funny how feminism goes out the window when culture is involved. I'd not put up with any of that Caro either and if I had family as guests, guests in my house have little to do because they are guests!

But it isn't fair that I'm told stuff about me after about a month or two then ask not to bring this up because it was said in the past.

I agree this is unfair. It may be 'in the past' for those who heard it initially, but for you it's new information and it's not at all unreasonable to want to discuss it.

Besides, if it's so far in the past, why pass it on to you now?

I'm still confused about the culture/language thing. Is it that everyone is Indian but from very different parts so there's a real clash? Or are the differences on a smaller scale and just exacerbated because they disapprove of you?

I'm amazed so many people are telling the OP that she's rude and needs to "integrate" when her ILs treat her like shit. All this "lowest ranking female" stuff is astonishing, like they're a pack of primates. It's not something I've ever encountered with my (thankfully pretty liberal) Indian in laws. But then I'm white, so if they weren't liberal I wouldn't have married their son in the first place.

OP, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't think they will ever treat you well or change their attitude towards you, because you have failed to become the dutiful, subservient DIL they wanted. You will always be from the "wrong" part of India and speak the "wrong" language too. I don't know what to suggest, other than to reduce the amount of time you spend with them, and try really hard to suck it up when you do. DH needs to grow a backbone and defend you when they're slagging off your cooking and your onion chopping technique, though

The whole situation sounds awful countrymusic. The lowest ranking would irritate me no end, as would the putting men first. Much as people are saying you should have known what you were marrying into, so did your husband. I assume he knew you were not a 'traditional' wife, but a women with the right to expect equal treatment. It's one thing to respect culture but another to allow a culture to disrespect you. However I worry that you're allowing this to affect your marriage and from the sounds of things the relationship with your husband could be seriously damaged if you don't reach an agreement on how you deal with you inlaws. You need to talk more and sulk less.

wow, do you live in India? Can you get out of this marriage/family??

I honestly dont think it sounds safe or healthy for you to stay

I completely disagree with those saying you should respect their customs. These customs are outdated rubbish aimed at keeping women in their place. Good for you for refusing to engage with the lowest ranking female rubbish.

I would just refuse to see them. They don't respect you or care at all about who you are, why should you respect their ludicrous traditions?

Just don't go and don't have them staying in your home at all, let along four months. The gall of these people!

We are from different parts of India, different religion, different local language but we all speak a common language, hindi, so can communicate fine. I can understand their local language but I cannot speak it. So while they are chatting away, I just listen - sometimes its fine, other times I feel a bit lonely while they send husband out to run errands. I don't practice my own religion too seriously myself but was brought up in a religious family. When visiting his family, I do go to temples etc but I don't fast for my husband for his long life etc.

MIL in general says such stuff about me and says it was said a few months ago by others and I believe precisely so husband would not bring it up again as a thing said in the past.

I think since I'm Indian, they don't understand why its hard for me to follow the traditional route. My husband has been diplomatic for so long, leaving each party half satisfied. He is saying the right stuff but not strongly enough that it doesn't stop their behaviour. He has not made it clear not to mistreat me again. Nor does he side with his mother about her expectations. He is not sending clear signals to how he prefers - just wants peace. I want this MIL/DIL bashing to end but they keep discussing me behind their backs and I don't even get to say my piece.

you need to accept that his family will not change their attitude or behaviour for you. what you CAN do is hold your head up and be ASSERTIVE with them.

when they question you on language/cooking/religion/customs etc - just tell them straight 'No, i'm not doing that. my husband and i are happy with things as they are'. If they say anything about any future children you have, tell them straight that your husband will teach them about his culture/traditions and you will teach them about yours. They won't like you 'answering back' or standing up for yourself but that is the only way for you to move through this.

remain polite but firm in what you say. You need to show them you are not a doormat and will not put up with their crap.

To be fair, I think that a three to four month visit from MIL would test anyone, even if they got along well normally. In your situation it seems a third of the year you spend with a person you find increasingly critical.

Have you talked about any of this with your own mum?

Your H is attemping to keep everyone happy. His first loyalty should be to you now. It isn't working for you. Before you and he think about starting a family please consider whether you are prepared to spend the next forty years battling his parents and family.

I could take all the criticism for cooking, language, customs etc. But MIL saying to my husband that he married the wrong woman is a step too far for me personally. I have put up with a lot of rubbish as I have faith in our marriage but as if attacking me personally wasn't enough. Feels like poisoning one's relationship.