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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm back to update. Things got worse...

54 replies

verticalstripes · 01/03/2015 17:29

I'm not sure how to link to the old thread so if somebody can do that I'd really appreciate it.

On sunday I was about to go to the shop and my friend was in a break from work so sent a message and said they needed the shop anyway which meant they would be going past my house. They offered me a lift. When I got dropped back home my DP said "who the fuck is that guy?" the car is also not a uk car so i got out on what is normally the drivers side. He was angry and asked me if I had been driving, in the last thread I mentioned he didn't want me to learn. He told me to get the fuck out and threw me out, I only managed to get a few things that were already packed in a case from before.
I got outside and didn't know what to do so i called my friend who came back and picked me up, they took me up to the bar as they had to work and didn't have time to take me anywhere else. I arranged a hotel for the night, the next day I went back and he was very angry. He was shouting a lot and then something happened. He touched my arm and although he didn't hurt me I felt like a huge line had been crossed in the action and it was the first small boundary broken before it would escalate. He slammed the door over and over again and I left having only managed to get a couple more things.

I've been living in the hotel the past week.

He keeps sending me texts, one minute saying awful things then the next saying he is sorry, so sorry, he is ill, he is getting help etc. He called me up and said he was going to dump all my things and the cats. Then hung up. I sent a text saying "please don't hurt the cat" then he called back and said "Who the fuck do you think I am? I wouldn't hurt the cats" but literally one minute before had said he would dump them somewhere.

I've missed parts out, I don't mean to drip feed I just struggle to write it all now. Sad

OP posts:
AccordingtoSteve · 01/03/2015 18:01

It's not up to him where you live vertical, so glad there is somewhere that will take your cat and yourself. Concentrate on getting in there first, worry about how to handle him later xx

Original poster
verticalstripes · 01/03/2015 18:02

The friends who have helped me have been amazing, they keep coming in to check on me etc and they have been really kind even though I didn't know them very well at all.
I'm tempted but it's so far to move all my things. I'm also studying which makes it harder.

OP posts:
Mandatorymongoose · 01/03/2015 18:03

I remember your previous thread vertical. I'm very glad you're out of there. The paranoia and the disonant laughter really sounded quite psychotic.

Please tell people. Seek support wherever it's available to stay away from this man and make a fresh start.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/03/2015 18:05

Not allowed to stay in the area? Fuck him!

And do involve the police. Call 101 and/or woman's aid.

Don't let him be the boss of you any more.

petalsandstars · 01/03/2015 18:08

Can you block his number at least for a night so you get a break from his vile messages? And please tell the police - they can help you get belongings back too

SlightlyJaded · 01/03/2015 18:08

Whilst you should in no way be bullied into moving out if your area of you don't want to, in your shoes, I would. Not because he had told you to but he is a wanker and a clean break with distance would make me sleep better at night

Otherwise, based on what you said about the car/lift, I envisage endless texts and harassment about who you've been seen with etc.

You can stay in contact with your friends but seriously, run for hills.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/03/2015 18:09

Here is a conact for woman's aid:

Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (24 hours) or www.womensaid.org.uk

I got it from <a class="break-all" href="//twww.mumsnet.com/relationships/domestic-violence-supporthis" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">page, here on mumsnet

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/03/2015 18:15

Not sure if that link worked. I will try again but if it doesn't, I found it by clicking the link at the top of this thread labelled 'find out more'

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/domestic-violence-support

ptumbi · 01/03/2015 18:16

He's told you not to tell anyone? I know what I'd do (tell every single damn person i met! Names, situations, the lot Grin)

He tells you you can't carry on living 'round here'? Ha. I'm afraid he doesn't get to choose where you live. You can live where the hell you like - it's not up to him.

He is no longer part of the equation, OP. You are now a single entity, not part of his powerplay. Fuck him.

JenniferGovernment · 01/03/2015 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Comito · 01/03/2015 19:50

Sorry to hear things got worse, vertical, but it's good news that you've found somewhere to live and good to hear you're more or less OK.

As for him telling you that you can't live round there? Fuck him! You can do whatever you want.

Onward and upward. Flowers

M00nUnit · 01/03/2015 20:04

Good to hear from you OP. In your last thread several mumsnetters in your area offered to help you - I guess you're reluctant to accept help from strangers on the internet but if I was in your position I'd consider taking them up on it. There was on poster who lives in South Wales and drives a van who suggested you PM her. I don't know if you have been PMing anyone but it really does sound to me like there are people here who could help you.

Shakey1500 · 01/03/2015 20:11

Oh I am pleased to see an update and hear you're ok. Well done you on leaving and all the very best x

M00nUnit · 01/03/2015 20:47

bump

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 01/03/2015 21:02

You will be able to use your rental as a safe haven while you get your driving lessons etc. Then you can go wherever you want.

Don't let him know where you are going. If he causes any trouble at all phone the Police.

Good Luck Flowers

KiwiJude · 01/03/2015 22:50

Good to hear from you vertical, glad you have been able to leave. If you can find a safe place for you and the cats while you're learning to drive and get your feet on the ground then you can take time to decide what to do and where to go next. M00nUnit's post sounds good. Keep us posted :)

FabULouse · 02/03/2015 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tipsytrifle · 02/03/2015 12:41

So glad to hear from you vertical though you've had an awful time of it. Still, in many ways the storm has broken and you are out. On balance I would take the local rental, get police involved and let them accompany you to get your stuff (friends might hire a small van maybe to do it in one?) and the cat. Then seek an injunction against him.

With those frightening and erratic texts, plus the fact he threw you out AND the abusive nature of the beast, I think you'll have no trouble getting him legally kept away from you.

In time you can move where you like, as someone else said. I'm just aware of how quickly a hotel will drain your funds.

sakura · 02/03/2015 13:04

You sound so organized and prudent. You have managed to book yourself into a hotel and you had the finances to do so. You're amazing. I hope the hotel stay has helped you relax a little bit.
Take the local flat because you need somewhere, anywhere to stay. The last thing in the world you want to happen is to find yourself homeless because things can get very bad quickly in that situation and you can easily lose all your money just treading water. Get into your new flat, then think of plan B. You will have time to take stock, search for flats perhaps closer to family and away from this man and so on. It's great that the flat is small as it will be cheaper.
Well done for getting out. I bet you feel better than you did when you were living with him.

Bailey101 · 02/03/2015 13:31

I'm in the north east of scotland - I can take your cat until you get settled if I'm local enough. If not, there's a few charities who care for pets due people in your circumstances.
I hope you can get settled soon x

Granville72 · 02/03/2015 14:08

Can your friends not help you out and take you to see rentals? A taxi maybe?

Do you have anything like Rural Wheels? Volunteers that charge a small amount to drive you where you need to go?

geekymommy · 02/03/2015 19:38

Who does he think he is, telling you where you can and can't live? Does he think he's the Queen?

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2015 19:50

Not allowed to live round here... Wow, he really does think he's King Shit of Turd Hill, doesn't he?

That said, while of course it's your right to live wherever you want, I personally would move nearer your family, or possibly to a larger more urban area where you'll be able to access public transport, etc, more easily (and are less likely to run into him.) I'm not sure if the rental you looked at is in the same small village you were in, or more central?

Good luck to you vertical.

FairPhyllis · 02/03/2015 22:24

I am so relieved to see this Vertical.

In all honesty I think you should move out of this hotel and go to one in a larger town because he is still a danger to you if he knows where you are. Hotels are not secure environments - they are fairly public and it would be easy for him to find you. He is a very dangerous individual, as seen from the escalation of his abuse in a relatively short time of living with you - only a year. On average it takes about 2 years for abusers to show their colours.

You need to talk to the police so you are on their radar and so they can escort you back for your stuff and the cat. They can also put a stop to harassing messages. Don't delete any of them. Welsh Women's Aid may be able to help you with relocation.

Whatever you do, don't go back - he may threaten suicide if you don't, or make all kinds of promises. Do not go back unless escorted, even to pick up your stuff.

I would also think about moving to a more accessible location for you, or closer to family.

Watchmestumble · 02/03/2015 23:25

For your own safety and peace of mind, I would move away as soon as possible. He will harbour a grudge for a long time and you need to know he can't contact you in any way. You can't trust him.