I wonder if I could get some advice.
I have been with a man for 5 years and I'd say for about four of them they have been abusive. In the beginning from reading on here I'd say there were probably red flags anyway but he was very sweet to me, he'd bombard me with texts during the week (we lived miles apart) telling me how much he loved me, how amazing I was, he'd surprise me lots, shower me with compliments, it all seemed a bit too good to be true to be honest. As I say the few red flags were he lied a lot about things he'd done though he said he did that to impress me so I brushed it off.
I already had a son from a previous marriage that lasted 7 years but ended quite amicably, I had just decided he wasn't the one for me, he was my childhood sweetheart and I think we just outgrew one another. He was very good with my son which was another thing that I liked, he was just a baby when we met. We went on to have another son who is 6 months old.
Most of the time he just treats me really badly in an emotional sense. He puts me down so much, I've had full blown rants about how I am a c*nt, dull, boring and he likes to think calling me fit or telling me I look nice every so often warrants being nice and I should want sex regularly. He is never been supportive of me emotionally. If I ever have a bad day he just says really sexist things like it must be my time of the month, or I'm so horrible. I'm never entitled to just have a bad day, even though the kids can be hard work sometimes (the eldest is 5 now and the yongest 6 months) it's always my period or some other remark which just isn't funny at all.
He is just an awful person and now the light bulb is on I need to get out. For instance, this weekend we agreed to have a night out each for a break from our youngest as we haven't been out with friends for a while. I went out the Friday, he went the saturday. We both agreed to give each other a nice lay in the day after till midday. It was a fair swap. I went out and had a nice time, got a bit tipsy but was still sober enough to get home at 1.30am, brush teeth,have a conversation then put myself to bed, was very tired though and was looking forward to the midday lay in. He woke me up at 10am and had ran a bath for me and made breakfast. It was quite sweet but I was still realy shattered but felt like I couldn't say anything because he'd done that. Come his night he went out managed to get into a fight, get chased home, lose his phone, he also forgot his key and woke me and the baby up knocking on the window at 430am. This is quite normal for him to. Most nights he goes out he ends up fighting or losing his temper over something. It is never his fault and he never takes responsibility for anything. He neesd his phone as he is self employed to so now no one can contact him, he had no insurance on the phone. I got up this morning and fed our youngest then put him down for a nap, whilst he had the nap I had my wash, got out at 12 and he was still asleep ignoring our youngest crying (he claimed to not hear, it's a tiny bedroom and he is a loud crier) He refused to get out of bed till 1240 when he gave him a bottle but didn't bother with the food (we are weaning him) because he "couldn't be bothered" and he has gone straight back to bed. My other son is due home soon so he has left me to everything because he is hungover.
When I ever get ill I get told to get on with it and he has often gone out and left me ill through no fault of my own to fend for the kids and me. This is why I find it hard to be sympathetic toward him right now and I am so angry that he feels this.
He refuses to talk. He says I try to make out he is the problem with everything in our relationship. I don't think I am perfect but I never had any difficulties with my last relationship and I don't know what to do anymore. He will sulk for days and ignore me now till I am virtually in tears because of the silence or he waits for me to crack and explode then says I am crazy or mental.
He hounds for sex to and in the beginning I admit I did want it a lot, even when the abuse first started to become clear I still found him phsyically attractive and would do it. As the abuse has gone on I find myself pulling away. I can't bring myself to feel enthusiastic about sex anymore. He is affectionate I admit, he likes to touch me in the day, all though sometimes it's just shoving his hands down my trousers or top and I don't really like that. He blames it for everything. He says if I wanted sex more he'd be nicer, even last night he said he didn't come home at a reasonable time and help with the kids because he knew he wouldn't get sex.
When we argue they cannot be normal rows. The results are either he gets really nasty and insults me till I stay in bed crying, he breaks stuff in the house (I've had to replace so many things here) but he says i "provoke him" I admit I have exploded sometimes and pretty much told him i think he is a twat but then he goes through a nice patch of being nice to me and I think it's all OK then he all starts again. I get sometimes couples can have the odd nasty word in a row but the words he uses are so extreme. If he has been proven wrong or hasn't got a comeback he will sulk in another room and if I talk about it he will start tapping his foot or gritting his teeth at me. I tell him this is intimidating (when we aren't rowing) and he says he can't help it, that's just the way he is. He is occasioanlly physical. usually pushing, putting his face in mine, throwing me on the floor.
The question is what do I do now? For the last few years his temper has lost him jobs and most of the years together he has been out of work. Supporting 2 kids and him on my wages and tax credits has not been easy coming up to christmas and birthdays and now I have a bad credit file with a ccj that i can't repay and I private rent. I would need to move out of this place but who would take me now?
The boys absolutely love him to and I don't want my kids to hate me but i'm so fed up. I know 2 kids by 2 different men I'll probably be single a long time. I get I'll have to give up work and stay at home and I understand it'll be hard but I can't take it anymore. My confidence is at rock bottom and I'm so unhappy. The eldset calls him dad but that is not biologcally his son and he sees his real dad once a month. In an ideal world I would like him to have a contact supervised visits to see them. I can't bear them staying with him over night as I know once I am gone he'll move on quickly and find another woman. I am not jealous about this what concerns me is he will treat her the same way and I do not want them witnessing this anymore and thinking it's ok. I don't want to be unreasonable and stop him seeing his biological son but I am 100% sure I cannot let him go overnight. I can't stop him treating another woman like this but I cannot let my kids keep seeing it. I want them to have healthy relationships and treat their future partners well.
Any advice would really help me right now. X