How do i leave an abusive relationship?

[confusedaboutthings]

I wonder if I could get some advice.

I have been with a man for 5 years and I'd say for about four of them they have been abusive. In the beginning from reading on here I'd say there were probably red flags anyway but he was very sweet to me, he'd bombard me with texts during the week (we lived miles apart) telling me how much he loved me, how amazing I was, he'd surprise me lots, shower me with compliments, it all seemed a bit too good to be true to be honest. As I say the few red flags were he lied a lot about things he'd done though he said he did that to impress me so I brushed it off.

I already had a son from a previous marriage that lasted 7 years but ended quite amicably, I had just decided he wasn't the one for me, he was my childhood sweetheart and I think we just outgrew one another. He was very good with my son which was another thing that I liked, he was just a baby when we met. We went on to have another son who is 6 months old.

Most of the time he just treats me really badly in an emotional sense. He puts me down so much, I've had full blown rants about how I am a c*nt, dull, boring and he likes to think calling me fit or telling me I look nice every so often warrants being nice and I should want sex regularly. He is never been supportive of me emotionally. If I ever have a bad day he just says really sexist things like it must be my time of the month, or I'm so horrible. I'm never entitled to just have a bad day, even though the kids can be hard work sometimes (the eldest is 5 now and the yongest 6 months) it's always my period or some other remark which just isn't funny at all.

He is just an awful person and now the light bulb is on I need to get out. For instance, this weekend we agreed to have a night out each for a break from our youngest as we haven't been out with friends for a while. I went out the Friday, he went the saturday. We both agreed to give each other a nice lay in the day after till midday. It was a fair swap. I went out and had a nice time, got a bit tipsy but was still sober enough to get home at 1.30am, brush teeth,have a conversation then put myself to bed, was very tired though and was looking forward to the midday lay in. He woke me up at 10am and had ran a bath for me and made breakfast. It was quite sweet but I was still realy shattered but felt like I couldn't say anything because he'd done that. Come his night he went out managed to get into a fight, get chased home, lose his phone, he also forgot his key and woke me and the baby up knocking on the window at 430am. This is quite normal for him to. Most nights he goes out he ends up fighting or losing his temper over something. It is never his fault and he never takes responsibility for anything. He neesd his phone as he is self employed to so now no one can contact him, he had no insurance on the phone. I got up this morning and fed our youngest then put him down for a nap, whilst he had the nap I had my wash, got out at 12 and he was still asleep ignoring our youngest crying (he claimed to not hear, it's a tiny bedroom and he is a loud crier) He refused to get out of bed till 1240 when he gave him a bottle but didn't bother with the food (we are weaning him) because he "couldn't be bothered" and he has gone straight back to bed. My other son is due home soon so he has left me to everything because he is hungover.

When I ever get ill I get told to get on with it and he has often gone out and left me ill through no fault of my own to fend for the kids and me. This is why I find it hard to be sympathetic toward him right now and I am so angry that he feels this.

He refuses to talk. He says I try to make out he is the problem with everything in our relationship. I don't think I am perfect but I never had any difficulties with my last relationship and I don't know what to do anymore. He will sulk for days and ignore me now till I am virtually in tears because of the silence or he waits for me to crack and explode then says I am crazy or mental.

He hounds for sex to and in the beginning I admit I did want it a lot, even when the abuse first started to become clear I still found him phsyically attractive and would do it. As the abuse has gone on I find myself pulling away. I can't bring myself to feel enthusiastic about sex anymore. He is affectionate I admit, he likes to touch me in the day, all though sometimes it's just shoving his hands down my trousers or top and I don't really like that. He blames it for everything. He says if I wanted sex more he'd be nicer, even last night he said he didn't come home at a reasonable time and help with the kids because he knew he wouldn't get sex.

When we argue they cannot be normal rows. The results are either he gets really nasty and insults me till I stay in bed crying, he breaks stuff in the house (I've had to replace so many things here) but he says i "provoke him" I admit I have exploded sometimes and pretty much told him i think he is a twat but then he goes through a nice patch of being nice to me and I think it's all OK then he all starts again. I get sometimes couples can have the odd nasty word in a row but the words he uses are so extreme. If he has been proven wrong or hasn't got a comeback he will sulk in another room and if I talk about it he will start tapping his foot or gritting his teeth at me. I tell him this is intimidating (when we aren't rowing) and he says he can't help it, that's just the way he is. He is occasioanlly physical. usually pushing, putting his face in mine, throwing me on the floor.

The question is what do I do now? For the last few years his temper has lost him jobs and most of the years together he has been out of work. Supporting 2 kids and him on my wages and tax credits has not been easy coming up to christmas and birthdays and now I have a bad credit file with a ccj that i can't repay and I private rent. I would need to move out of this place but who would take me now?

The boys absolutely love him to and I don't want my kids to hate me but i'm so fed up. I know 2 kids by 2 different men I'll probably be single a long time. I get I'll have to give up work and stay at home and I understand it'll be hard but I can't take it anymore. My confidence is at rock bottom and I'm so unhappy. The eldset calls him dad but that is not biologcally his son and he sees his real dad once a month. In an ideal world I would like him to have a contact supervised visits to see them. I can't bear them staying with him over night as I know once I am gone he'll move on quickly and find another woman. I am not jealous about this what concerns me is he will treat her the same way and I do not want them witnessing this anymore and thinking it's ok. I don't want to be unreasonable and stop him seeing his biological son but I am 100% sure I cannot let him go overnight. I can't stop him treating another woman like this but I cannot let my kids keep seeing it. I want them to have healthy relationships and treat their future partners well.

Any advice would really help me right now. X

We said a lot by text after I ended it.

I simply said to his face 'I'm not doing this anymore, it ends here. I'm going to see a solicitor."

I went to a solicitor. He didn't ask me anything, didn't react. I was angry and emotional, he said "you want to do this, I'm going along with what you want". He really is that much of a massive dick. I took us down the mediation path which has worked but I have been exceptionally patient and tolerant. Which is why he is still here. I organised his flat viewings, dealt with the mortgage, solicitor etc. he would have done nothing. It has taken me 6 months.

We told the kids after Christmas. We said we were both unhappy, we couldn't make each other happy and we have been really, really brave and decided not to stay married. I didn't want to say 'we don't love each other anymore' because I didn't want them to worry that love ends IYSWIM. They have been brilliant and very understanding.

Stand firm. People do this all the time and lead better lives for it. I am genuinely rooting for you.

confused well done for recognising the situation you are in.

You leave one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. And before long he will be an unhappy memory.

don't let the fact that the thought o leaving makes you anxious convince you it isn't the right thing. It is right. It is also massive and scary but you can do it. You can.

Also consider speaking to your work. See if you can reduce your hours and work around childcare. They can only say no in which case you are no worse off than if you leave without asking.

Also can you get a copy of Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that. It is immensely helpful in helping you see none of this is or was ever your fault. He won't change but your life can.

good luck

Oh and it can take a while to get through to WA but you can also email them. Keep trying. They are there to help you and I am sure they will be able to answer many of your quesions.

Re credit rating it may be worth askin about charitable orgs who stand surety. I know there are some for e.g. young people coming out of care. There may be something for you.
Or there may be council emergency housing. (I know it sounds implausible but have seen women rehoused in your circs)

And finally the hammer incident and any other incidents where he has pushed or assaulted you or abused you can be reported to the police. You can report to 101 or o into the sstation and say you would like to report without them taking action i.e. you tell them they record it but they do not go and see him.

That way there is a record and if you need them because he kicks off they will come sooner.

This may help later as any evidence of abuse is helpful when dealing with housing, legal aid, benefit etc. Later on.

The hammer incident is appalling. And I am sure a criminal offence even if he didn't hit you deliberately 1)it is violent and delberate intimidation (throwing things is seen as DV by the police for this reason) 2) throwing a hammer is at best an unbeleivably reckless thing to do. If it had hit a stranger/colleague he'd have ended up in court.

And if the fucker had remotely not meant it he'd have taken you to A and E and been mortified. Please report it.

X post.
Good luck with email.

It really is not your fault.

Unfortunately for some reason lundy is not available on kindle (or it wasn't before) Such a shame as it is a lifesaver.

You can get i from library or from amazon although you may want to get it delivered to a friend.

I got that book through an app on my android phone. The app has always been there its called Play Books. It's the first time I used it, for this book. I didn't want to get it on Kindle or hard copy as I didn't want him to see.

Reading it from my phone was perfect. He had no clue what I was reading.

Thanks holy I am delighted to stand corrected

I agree, report the hammer and sexual assault incidents to the police. And your HV, GP and WA. And you say you need to leave - why? Is the house in his name?

Him isolating you from your family, telling you what to wear etc. He really is just the very worst. I hope you get help from WA today. In the meantime please gather any documents - birth certificates, NI info, bank statements, etc. Can you leave a folder of those with a trusted friend? And the Freedom Programme, you can also do it online if you want a quick look now.

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

The book helped me immensely. I would recommend all women read it. Not just those in abusive relationships.

I recognised a number of other men in my life / family described in this book. It seems I am surrounded by abusive men!

Sorry RL got in the way, Dd got ill.

How are you today? I totally get the anxiety and nerves thing. That hammer incident us utterly appalling, you could have been killed. You minimise how dangerous he is, I'm not getting at you, I did the same but it made me shudder. And the fact that he tried to talk his way out of it.

Thanks for the tip whatthe I haven't managed to work out how to get that book.

Take care confused thinking of you today.

I'm ordering that book, thanks.

Narcissists do that - see themselves as different and unique. The sorry truth is they are just a cliche.

And yes, it is always someone else's fault.

It is far harder to be in this relationship than not. Remember that.

Oh and I would strongly recommend ditching social media for now. It could be used against you

I think every thread I have ever read on here from a person who is leaving an abusive marriage has 'How can I have been so stupid' written in it! It's not about you being stupid. It's about the abusers and their abuse. That's where the stupidity lies.

I've said to my ex (& loads of friends & family) that I'm angry at H because his abuse was idiocy. It was stupid & pointless, he had everything, a kind & decent wife, 3 lovely dc's, our new big family home. BUT he wrecked it because of alcohol & disrespect & control & power. They are the stupid idiots. They are clever in manipulating us to be able to get to the point where they are not kicked out after calling their partner a can't, or throwing a hammer at their head or raping them. However they are so stupid for letting their anger & their abuse wreck their family. They are so stupid to let their own needs to abuse trump everything that would allow for a happy life.

it's not you, it's him

I would think the police will still have a record and that may well be of great help to you in the future. Check with them when you speak to them.

Hopefully you might be able to get an injunction/ non molestation order on the back of it if required.

Re. The book. Yes it is amazing m it is like they all went to the same school and did the same course in fuckwittery so much effort to put into being manipulative and angry and controlling when they could have used that effort for something bettet.

Hi, I met a man 2 yrs ago and all started well then within a a month he told me he loved me a bit of a rush for me I have to say. Then after a few months he started an argument and he was really aggressive I took it and moved on forgave him and it was infront of my children. I wish had drawn the line I knew in my heart I should of but I never did I have gone 2 year's of a mainly emotionally abusive relatkinship and recently after many arguments which came out of thin air and finally turned to me being physically abused infront of my daughter I called the police and he has gone. I can honestly say that every ounce of you that knows inside of yourself that this relationship is not right for and therefore ultimately not right for your children because how effects it you effects them it has to end. In my heart I knew it would end with the police because I wanted it ended but he would never listen to my feelings or understand my emotions because he was a narcissist. I took a beating but I can tell you ive never been happier since he left my house. You will cry, you will be desperate, you will feel shame, you will feel embarrassed but when you end it you feel a thousand tonnes lighter, you will come to life, you will find you again and you will shine like the universal spiritual star you are, have faith and know you are not alone xxx