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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He can't seem to change his habits...what to do?

53 replies

wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 09:24

My OH and I had a very stressful weekend last weekend and this weekend decided to have a 'special' weekend. Only it didn't turn out that way.
And I shouldn't have expected or hoped it to really, I am beginning to realise.
We were going to spend the day out but on the Friday (as usual) OH has to drink and go to bed late. I said about going to bed earlier so that we could have our 'special' day but he wouldn't go to bed till 2am and he didn't wake up till close to 11am.
I lost heart about our special day in the end. And then again, last night, he drinks and goes to bed late. He says he has to let his hair down after a working week of having to get up early but he also says that I deserve better and that he is always letting me down. He just can't seem to change a habit of a lifetime.
He was the same as this with his ex wife who he was with for 28 years. Yet when he wanted to do something, like get fit and go cycling, he would get up early to do that and he did that for a couple of years! That pissed her off and I can't say I blame her in many ways.
He says he sees how much effort I put into the relationship and feels bad that he can't get up in the mornings at the weekends. I spend a lot of time alone in the mornings. It feels like such a waste.
I have paid for weekends away for us at least six times and he hasn't once. He has habits he can't seem to break. He is 49 years old now.
To me, it is quite simple...make the effort, go to bed just a little bit earlier (he always falls asleep straight away, often before me) and enjoy the day together. I can think of a lot harder things to do and to me, this is no deal breaker of a compromise.
He says he'd love it if I was with him in the mornings when he wakes up, then he would bring me a cup of tea in bed but obviously, it is always too late and I am up already. He is a night owl.
It would be nice to go to bed at a reasonable time and make love but even this is affected now as well. I am always too tired and I am perimenopausal too which doesn't help. So you'd think you'd make love at the weekend and it isn't happening.
The best advice I can give myself is get a life really at the weekends and leave him to it if he won't change. It depends on how important the relationship is to him after all.
Any advice from you lovely girls would help :-)

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 01/03/2015 09:30

How long have you been together?

DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 09:32

You are incompatible it would seem. You are early bird, he is a night owl. And he needs to drink every night? Or just weekends? Is he downstairs alone when drinking?

The best advice I can give is that if he prefers drink and pissing money up a wall to spending time to you - then are you really in a relationship or just living in the same house and should you move on and find someone who does want to spend time with you?

By the way - it's not just mumsnet - I've been giving that advice to people for 30 years as your post reminded me that the first person I encountered this with was my then bf's brother's partner 30 years ago. Nothing much changes, does it?

Vivacia · 01/03/2015 09:33

He has a drink problem. He is always going to choose the drink over you.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 09:43

We have been together about a year and a half. He just drinks weekends. He isn't downstairs alone drinking, I have always been with him but I can take or leave alcohol. All his family are heavy drinkers, including his father who is on dialysis! He says I am an inspiration that he wishes he could follow because I am working on transforming my life from someone who is anxious and agoraphobic to someone who wants to give their life to others, after managing to find inner calm myself. This is hard when there is often something happening in the environment to disrupt it all.
I have always given too much, I think, which needs to change. It is probably me that still needs to change.
Right now he is upstairs snoring away :-)
He is a lovely man, with so much to offer...when he is available to offer it.
But I worry too that we are incompatible. After all, how many people do truly change?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2015 09:53

"I have always given too much, I think, which needs to change. It is probably me that still needs to change".

The first part of this sentence makes me also think that this man is really the latest in a very long line of poor relationships?. What sort of an example of a relationship did your own parents set you?. If theirs was poor, then you may simply even now be acting out the patterns you saw back then.

What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours are being met here?. Do you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies in relationships?.

I think you will be happier if you move on and away from this individual who is putting drink before you and always will as well. Look at his own family of origin carefully as well, what does it tell you about all of them?.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 09:54

He has a drink problem. He is very selfish and admitting you can do better is designed to make you feel guilty.

If he wanted to change he would. He doesn't want to. Why should he when your still accepting it.

you posted that when he wants to get up and get healthy - he will. So clearly he doesn't want to do what you want to do.

the whole 'inspiration' crap is bull shit designed to manipulate you.

At this time you are incompatable. People can change but only if they want to. He doesn't. Actions speak louder than words.

Don't waste any more time with him. Flowers

RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 09:55

Blimey after a year and half like this - I would be giving up...he doesnt sound like he wants to change, he sounds pretty selfish in fact.

RebelRobin · 01/03/2015 09:56

And he's a drinker!!!!

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 10:01

Attila, thank you. I have had many abusive and rubbish relationships and have come from a neglectful childhood so much of what you say rings true. Also, looking at his family, indeed it is the case that selfishness and drinking runs through all of them.
Yet, as usual, it is more complicated than that.
When he is available, he is the most attentive and thoughtful man I have ever met. He is not abusive. He is loving and very caring. He never gets angry and admits to responsibility for all of this. He shows his love for me and doesn't have a problem doing so. He is the best man I have ever known in my life.
Yet...he has these habits such as drinking and staying up late. And me being quite lonely as a result.
I can't imagine my life without him as I love him too.
But he is stuck in his ways...

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/03/2015 10:01

People very rarely change, you are the only one that can change anything. It does sound as though you are both incompatible - neither is 'right' or 'wrong' but it just isn't a good 'fit'. Unless you are happy to get on with your 'own thing' at weekends.

Do you share a home together, have you invested in this financially?

There's a reason he has an ex wife .................

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 10:06

I agree with what you are saying. Actions speak louder than words. If he wants to change, he would. Basically it is up to him. In my experience, it takes a lot for people to change. He realised he was selfish in his first marriage. Seems like he has changed up to a point but maybe not enough. I hope it doesn't end up being his loss if his not changing and my actual changing means we drift apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 10:09

Ragwort, to be honest, I am not happy to do my own thing at the weekend. Seems pointless being in a relationship then. I hate to think we are incompatible. Maybe there are some women out there that would enjoy that kind of lifestyle...enjoying the night and wasting the days of a weekend. Don't know. We share a home but no financial investment.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/03/2015 10:10

But what is his motivation to 'change'? He clearly enjoys his life, he enjoys staying up drinking late and as you seem to accept it (albeit unhappily). then he's got no reason to change has he?

Sallyingforth · 01/03/2015 10:10

People just don't change.
If he was like this before, he will stay like it.
Sad to say, but if you don't like the way he is then you will have to look elsewhere.

ImADonkeyOnTheEdge · 01/03/2015 10:13

Oh dear.

I met a guy last year. We were only together a few months yet he did this every weekend. I couldn't live like that. Especially as it should be a honeymoon period initially. It's about respect first and foremost. It was a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. Utter selfishness that results in me feeling alternately sad and angry is a no no.

Perhaps you could ask him to compromise. Just drink one night each weekend? But if he truly doesn't want to then he doesn't respect you therefore what other choice do you have than to go separate ways. He's been like this for 30 years. Hopefully you can knock some sense into home, but if not you deserve better. Good luck!

CalleighDoodle · 01/03/2015 10:13

He wont change. he doesnt want to change. Leave him then work on yourself. Youll get further.

Ragwort · 01/03/2015 10:14

Can you move out? The you could arrange to 'date' rather than live together and see if that is better for you?

Personally I would not expect to go to bed at the same time as my husband and get up at the same time and spend all our weekends together - but then we have been married for a very long time and perhaps prefer to be more 'independent'. Grin. He's just gone out for a long day on his own today with our DC and I have made my own plans. We also spent yesterday apart - but obviously that works for us and everyone's relationship is different.

Original poster
wonderwoman21 · 01/03/2015 10:15

Ragwort, you would hope his motivation to change would be to spend the weekend more with me. He says this is what he wants, as well. Then slips back into his habits. Yet he has spoken about giving up drinking and making changes. I just don't know.

OP posts:
tinfoilhat · 01/03/2015 10:16

Leave him, why are you wasting precious time with him? At that age, he won't change, he is more or less telling you this and saying you should leave! Sounds like he hasn't the balls to quit the relationship.

Just go and be happy!!!

CalleighDoodle · 01/03/2015 10:17

I dont see how drinking in your living room is enjoying the night. I could understand at the oub with friends, going to gigs etc, but sat in your living room drinking is a drink problem.

SweetsForMySweet · 01/03/2015 10:27

He's not going to change the habits of a lifetime. Don't waste any more of your life on him. He has a very unhealthy attitude towards alcohol and binge drinking every weekend, he may end up just like his father. Ask yourself: Is that this life you want for yourself? If not, make your plan, find somewhere to move to, confide in family/friends who can offer advice and support. It will be tough at the start but you will be much happier in the long term. Don't tell your dp until you are set to go. He's had so many chances and not taken them, don't waste anymore time trying to change him. He will always choose drink first

marriednotdead · 01/03/2015 10:27

Hello. Your story really resonated with me, and I sadly see many similarities to my own history with family and subsequently relationships on threads like this.

It's taken me over a decade of marriage to finally see that just because he's better than all the previous ones, he's still never going to be 'good enough' to make me happy in the way that I deserve.

It's never too late to start over. We only have one life and happiness can be ours if we allow it to. I'm 50 next year and I'm determined to have started my new life by then.

Let go of this drain on your heart and head, and free yourself to find your own happiness. He isn't capable of giving it to you.

Twinklestein · 01/03/2015 10:44

It's really sad OP that this is the best man you've met in your life because that implies you must have known some dodgy specimens.

You deserve better than this man, who prioritises alcohol over you.

I am working on transforming my life from someone who is anxious and agoraphobic to someone who wants to give their life to others, after managing to find inner calm myself

While altruism is laudable, I think you need to be careful not to give yourself away to men who aren't worthy of you. Some women tend to believe that their needs must be sublimated to children and partners, and it's important not to you lose yourself in the process of giving.

talbotinthesky · 01/03/2015 10:52

No one's perfect sadly. I don't know how many of these posters who are saying leave him have ever been in love. Maybe I've been unlucky but it doesn't come along too often ime.

Vivacia · 01/03/2015 11:01

Good point talbot. What do you advise for the OP?