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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So clearly my friend would make time to see me if she wanted to, but...

30 replies

Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 09:22

I have a friend whom I am extremely fond of. We do not get to see each other much, but when we do make plans, she cancels. Often. In fact, I have accepted the fact that chances are far greater that she will cancel rather than keep to the arrangement.

Recent excuses have been she forgot she had made other arrangements with another group of friends, that her family was suddenly invited to her sister's for the weekend, that she has work to do at home that cannot wait, that her daughter is ill.. etc.

I do understand that things crop up, but I reckon that the friendship is not all that important to her. We are NOT teenagers involved in spat or anything.

Seems our friendship is not that important to her after all, is it?

Has this type of situation arisen with others? How did you deal with it? Did you say anything? Did you just let it slide?

OP posts:
ROARmeow · 28/02/2015 09:24

Yes, I have at least 3 friends like this.

I've asked them why they cancel, and they seem to think it's not a big deal. Also, they do it to others, not just me, which gives me some comfort.

It is crappy, and it hurts.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/02/2015 09:28

You decide whether you want more of this treatment, or not.

If you do, you keep on making plans that she will break.
If you don't, you stop making plans with her, and focus on people and activities that don't make you feel upset and crap.

It's hard to realise that people we like possibly don't like us back in the same way. It sucks. But they are allowed to not prioritise us (the fools!) and all you can do is work on accepting it, and finding relationships that are reciprocal.

TalkingintheDark · 28/02/2015 09:32

But they are allowed to not prioritise us (the fools!) Grin

TalkingintheDark · 28/02/2015 09:33

Sorry OP I realise it's not really a laughing matter for you but I did like Goat's way of putting it!

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 09:38

Grin Yes, of course not everyone has to love me back the way I love them! TalkingintheDark, I am not THAT sensitive so please don't worry :)

What fucks me off, though, is that every now and then she will send a a text of undying friendship and love and how she thought that I no longer wanted to be friends and ooh, yes, we must meet up! Then when she cancels the cancellation text is soaked in kisses and apologies.

It is almost like she is keeping me hanging on! Bloody hell... this is getting daft now! Sounds like a romantic relationship gone wrong!

You are right, Goat, I should concentrate on relationships that are more reciprocal.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 28/02/2015 09:38

I'm finally meeting my own version of this friend next week after about four cancellations. We meet once a year and it's the same every single time.

I do put up with it because we have a great time when we do meet and we have a long and close history. I don't think she probably realises the extent of her flakiness, she super busy and she just sees it as rearranging or juggling.

So up to you whether it's worth putting up with. I don't believe it's personal in my case.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 09:42

MatildatheCat, it's the same in my case! We always have a fab time together! My friend is also v busy and has loads of friends - sometimes I feel like I have to wait in line to see her. Oh well, I suppose it is just a case of me having to decide whether I want to put up with it or not.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 28/02/2015 09:43

When I was deep in depression and someone would invite me out to something I would be completely intent on going. But when it came to the event, despite wanting to be able to, I just couldn't make myself go. Could that be the case here?

If not, in future I would just leave her to plan any meetings in future ans if she does "a simple, are you definitely going to make it this time?" should highlight the problem to her.

Shetland · 28/02/2015 09:48

I had a friend like this. We had a lovely time when we did meet up but she'd have have cancelled the previous 4 attempts. Final straw for me was when she laid the grounds for cancelling in the same texts as arranging the meet up! When the cancellation text came as expected I responded that I hope she was better soon and to let me know when she wanted to meet up again. Took her 18 months to contact me. Told me all I needed to know really!

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 09:53

I don't think it is depression, ilovelamp82. Not as far as I am aware.

Shetland, I think your suggestion is a good one. I will leave it up to her to reschedule if she wants to. This most recent meet up was at my suggestion after all.

Maybe she wants out of the friendship and does not know how to do it!!??

OP posts:
Shetland · 28/02/2015 10:08

We do still meet up nothaving but it's more evenly arranged these days. And I always leave the ball in her court if she cancels. It sometimes takes her a while but she does get back in touch. I don't know whether she realised or if she's just more organised - but either way, I'm happy to meet her, I just don't want to do all the running.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 10:52

Glad you're still maintaining the friendship, Shetland. I will just adopt a "wait and see" approach, I think :)

OP posts:
TalkingintheDark · 28/02/2015 11:25

Smile nothaving glad I didn't offfend!

I learnt a good maxim on here - "never prioritise someone for whom you are only an option". Has been useful to me.

OnGoldenPond · 28/02/2015 11:47

Hi OP I sympathise with you, I have this with one particular group of friends.

I thought we were all pretty close in the past but I've come to realise they don't feel as close a friend to me.

There have been quite a few last minute cancellations of nights out. The last straw has been when one cancelled a group weekend at theirs the day before. But I was the only one cancelled, everyone else still went.

I've just decided to take the hint and wait for them to contact me. But not holding my breath, it looks like they just don't want to be friends any more Hmm

It sucks but I've resolved to concentrate on those friends who do prioritise our friendship and don't let me down because I deserve better treatment.

OnGoldenPond · 28/02/2015 12:14

Talking - very wise words I am going to laminate them and refer to them whenever I doubt myself Smile

blueberrypie0112 · 28/02/2015 13:07

I would give up making plans with her. Time to move on.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 18:19

OnGoldenPond, that's awful! It must have really hurt. I hope you did not lose sny sleep over that lot!

Blueberry, I think so, too.

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 28/02/2015 18:25

I have a work friend like this. Reality is she only likes doing stuff at her house or in her neck of the woods, but she loves the idea of close friendship, so she will arrange lots of things and then have gazillions of reasons to cancel. Lots of 'love yous' 'you're a great friend' etc in texts but when it comes down to it she cancels more often than not. I was more annoyed than anything but now I just leave it up to her to arrange.

Problem is she's quite high maintenance and has often told me XYZ isn't enough of a friend because they haven't (true example) remembered her wedding anniversary.

Some people, even if they are fun to spend time with, are just hard work!

TopOfTheCliff · 28/02/2015 18:35

I have a friend like this who is really fun and lovely when we do meet but lets me down about 50 percent of the time. I recognise she is someone who makes new friends and moves on every three years or so, and we are overdue a move now. But she does keep the old friends in her life. Often she is cancelling seeing me to see one of them instead. I reckon she will move away and I will become an old friend on the list.

I feel sorry for her actually as she has no close personal relationships and no roots anywhere. She is a Baggage Reclaim subject and very commitment phobic.

I have stopped investing any expectation in her and stopped being disappointed. I value reliability and loyalty and she is a flake, although a lovely one.

Time to scale back your expectations OP and focus on people who treat you with equal loyalty.

perfectlybroken · 28/02/2015 18:37

Could there be anything more serious at work OP? An emotionally abusive partner?

juneandjuly · 28/02/2015 18:42

Not quite the same but similar - I have an old school friend to whom I was once very close but now am not purely because we never see each other. We live in different cities, but it's only about an hour and a half on the train. I have invited her to come and stay several times, and whenever I am going to be in our home town (where she still lives) I try to arrange to meet up. She's always busy. Once she revealed she had been in my city but hadn't tried to meet up. I would assume she just wasn't that into me anymore, but she always rings me on my birthday and maybe one other time in a year so I assume she doesn't want to just cut me off.

It's awkward because, due to seeing so little of each other she barely knows anything about my life, my job, she has met my husband once (at our wedding), doesn't know any of my other friends. But we still get on really well on the rare occasions we speak or see each other.

wobblebobblehat · 28/02/2015 18:44

When this sort of thing happens to me I step back slightly and see what happens. So if I normally see someone once a month then I make plans to see every two or three months.

I did this with a couple of friends. I initiated arrangements to see them before Christmas. The following year I initiated arrangements to see them before Christmas again. The third year I didn't hear from them and didn't do anything. I'm starting to doubt I will see them again. They are both lovely but one used to have a habit of sending me a Birthday card late or text with lots of excuses about how busy she's been. She didn't bother last year so is obviously even busier...

it's a bit rubbish but I now view friendships as having a shelf life. People come into your life, sometimes they stay a long time, sometimes they don't. It's not worth sweating the small stuff really.

Effnjeff · 28/02/2015 18:53

My BFF has a tendency to do this. We have been friends since we were small but I now live 3 hours away. We only get to see each other a handful of times a year and only if I instigate the visit & invite myself down! She has stayed with us probably 4 or 5 times in the last 10 years and only after insistence.

I love her dearly, and we have a great time when we do manage to get together; guess I have just learnt to accept what she will offer in terms of getting together cos can't imagine her not being aroundHmm. Her DH is a control freak which doesn't help matters.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/02/2015 18:59

Thanks for all the input!

Perfectly, no, there is no emotional abuse at home, and work is busy, but ok, though my frienfriend's daughter does have mental health issues that has been difficult for my friend. Before I am accused of drip feeding, her DH is lovely and a decent person and perfectly capable of staying with the daughter which he has done8ne when friend has gone out with others. Hmmm. Think I am answering my own question here.

Ah, well: NEXT!! :)

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyInShade · 28/02/2015 19:01

Next time she sends an undying friendship love letter wondering if you are still friends, just reply this one line "Surely there is no real friendship when you are always cancelling on me?"