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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending things, bit scared, need handholding

42 replies

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 07:18

I have been married for a bit less than 4 years, have a 3 and 1 year old and live abroad. I have been unhappy with h for quite a long time of this. I discovered mumsnet a couple of years ago and started identifying parts of his behaviour as emotional abuse. He has a horrible temper and constantly flashes over minor things, shouting and sometimes looking like a cartoon character angry man. I couldn't stand living in the atmosphere but felt quite trapped and of course there were good bits too.

However, it got to the point that every day there would be outbursts and I was constantly aware of things that would trigger it, like walking on eggshells. I always stood up to him and I don't wish to be bullied but I couldn't win as if I shouted back it's just horrendous for the dcs but if I calmly tell him to stop behaving like that it doesn't really work and I end up feeling so stressed.

Anyway I repeatedly told him I can't tolerate this and sometimes he would apologise but usually he would twist the blame on to me causing him to be like that. Financially I earn significantly more than him and also paid for our house (which we own), cars etc. A lot of it comes from his inadequacy but that is not my problem.

I reached the end of the road a few weeks ago and told him I am not willing to live like this and am going to leave. He had a big realisation and admitted that he has been abusing me, trying to chip away at me etc. He arranged to see a therapist and suddenly stopped losing his temper. I told him that it's too late for me and I cannot forgive him for the past or trust him again and I do not love him any more.

Now I am going to move out with the children. I still have the legal claim on the house but to make it smooth as possible for the children I am going to go as the house is not practical or convenient for me and is too isolated.

The plan is that the children spend 3 nights with him and 4 with me, but I will probably be able to see them every day regardless as will do pick ups from nursery etc. This will be for the next year or 2 then I will decide what to do next.

He is going to continue to see his therapist as he has a lot of issues to work through and wants to sort himself out. I am glad he is doing this for the dcs sake. He is a devoted and loving father and he is keeping his temper under control so I know he can.

Now I am just a bit scared as I do not really have any support here, some friends and colleagues but it's limited whereas he has his family and this is his country. He is being fairly reasonable but I just have this panicky feeling about it all which I keep trying to suppress and to be strong. I know I can't be with him in the long run and I think I can probably have a better life without him whether I'm here or abroad but I just could do with some kind of support and advice on how to make this best for the children. I have done the freedom programme online but I am also worried about my own bad habits with relationships and repeating them in the future.

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 07:43

You are being very brave and mature. Well done on recognising the abusive nature of the relationship and making a decision to leave. And actually sticking with it. That is admirable.

I know how hard it is, as I am going through similar myself. I can't really offer much advice but I can offer my hand to hold. I'll be following your story and I've got your back.

however · 28/02/2015 07:44

I guess the issue that stands out most for me is where the both of you will reside long term, and where the children will live, and how easy it will be for the two of you to reach a decision on this.

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 07:56

Thank you whatthe and I hope your situation works out for the best for you.

However,I know long term that will be an issue, but I am taking things one step at a time. I believe that he would be open to me moving elsewhere as long as he always has contact with the children, which I would always ensure. If needs be I can stay here, I have a fairly secure job and am not too far from home (UK) for regular visits. If I really wanted to leave though I have a good case for taking the children with me.

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:03

Sounds like your ex is a reasonable person, that's half the battle, isn't it? My soon to be ex has started being reasonable but I don't know if it's an act yet, to try and get me to change his mind.

Yes, one step at a time. The main thing now is to split, hopefully amicably. Everything else will follow.

So if you moved back to your home, you would not be far from ex?

iloverunning36 · 28/02/2015 08:08

Well done! You sound really together and focussed. Will the legal system where you are support your rights on the home you purchased? I'm glad you have your own good income, makes things a lot easier for you, you hold your own power

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 08:10

I have the same worries whatthe, I think maybe he is playing for getting me to change my mind. Today I am going to go with him to his therapist to tell him firmly with her there that I am definitely ending things for good. My friend who is a therapist suggested this.

Yes if I moved back to the UK it would not be that far, but I don't really want to as things would be much harder for me there, financially and in terms of support- here I can afford someone to be a nanny/ do housework for example whereas there I could barely afford to even work. If I move I would probably move to another country, but not for a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 08:12

Thanks iloverunning, I have been in touch with a solicitor who assures me that I should have full rights on the home. My h is going to struggle to support himself without me so he has a lot to lose but I think he should have thought about that before he started acting like an arsehole.

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:28

You are doing brilliantly. If you ever feel a wobble, post on here (its been a life line for me), and remember what you said he should have thought about that before he started acting like an arsehole.

great idea to finalise with the therapist. Leaves no room for manipulation, hopefully.

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 08:46

I feel better for posting, it's good to have some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:53

Honestly, mumsnet has been amazing. I've had advice and support which has been second to none. I could not go a million years have got this far without it.

You have already come so far, by yourself. That's an amazing achievement.

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 12:52

I went to see his therapist with him and it was quite difficult. She seems to be very much in the camp of you can fix anything if you want to. She says she is sure he can change and that if we had gone to her earlier we would now be in a happy marriage. She also said I need to get help for my anger. Aside from this she was very kind to me, told me I can always call her for anything and she did back me up on some things with h.

I felt like the bad guy as if I am just giving up instead of trying to fix things and that by not staying and working on it I am not doing the best thing for my children. But when I think about the way he has made me feel over these past couple of years and when I look at him and feel nothing but anger, contempt and disgust, I can't really see a way back from that :(

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 12:56

Has the therapist made you doubt your decision?

Cloudhowe63 · 28/02/2015 13:08

From reading many threads on here, the usual advice is to avoid joint counselling where there has been a history of abuse.

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 13:12

I agree. He may have charmed his therapist. He may have told her things about you so she has a misconceived idea of you.

If I were you, I would ignore her advice. But that's just me.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/02/2015 14:57

She is not your therapist she is your stbxh therapist, she cannot treat you and even if she was, she cannot treat you for your anger issues. Especially if you havnt actually gone to her with this issue.

She cannot diagnose so how does she know you have anger issues? She can only talk to him about you, not you op it's not her place. Also the call me for anything quote is so far outside the ethical boundaries of the BACP I don't know where to start.

Lastly it's not her job to apportion blame or offer un requested help

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 15:07

I would urge you to read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It was recommended to me by someone on one of my threads.

My soon to be ex is what he refers to as a Water Torturer. With a bit of Mr Right and The Victim thrown in. It's all forms of abuse, no matter how subtle and whether anyone else can see it. He talks about how therapists are often taken in by these abusive men. Please read it, I urge you. It's helped me hugely.

mix56 · 28/02/2015 15:37

Was the therapist able to speak English ? Is OH English ?
As depending on which country you live in, including the "most evolved" European countries, they may not even have heard of EA.... Please believe me, I am not making this up.

This may be that he has charmed her like most Emotional abusers, as we know they can be delightful out of the home. She isn't aware of how you have lived & how you feel, and even if it is true that if you had gone to her 2 years ago, you may not have had to live with this unhappiness, but the reality is you have lived with it. OH didn't instigate the therapy as he was happy abusing you. the only reason he is going now is that you have had enough. The pain a hurt & love has been felt. Only you can know if you even want to reconsider giving it a 2nd chance.

BUT remember emotional abuse, goes in cycles, he is in the Nice phase, trying to regain you confidence & love, (particularly as you have the financial trump card) once you have been reeled back in, the abusive phase will return.
Don't trust him.

The therapist is his therapist marriage counsellor? , not yours, it is not her place to tell you your marriage needs working on.

mix56 · 28/02/2015 15:41

therapist sounds like some kind of joke actually

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 15:47

Agree the therapist sounds like a joke at best. Dangerous at worst.

Please ignore.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:52

Going to see his therapist was a huge mistake

The fact remains that he is now being "nice", proving that he could have been "nice before but he simply chose not to. Now he is doing to manipulate and confuse you.

Takle no notice and please be advised that joint counsellign is not recommended. You had the right idea before. Let him attend his own counselling to sort his own shit out. It is none of your business an more, unless it affects your oint children

and tbh, the arrogance of that counsellor is quite outstanding "if he had coem to me sooner I could have saved your marriage"

no he could have saved your marriage by not being a prick....I am sure you gave him more than enough chances to do that

too little, too late

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:53

sorry for the typos in that last msg...hopefully you got the gist

Jux · 28/02/2015 16:08

Your friend who is a therapist suggested you went to see your abuser's therapist with your abuser?

Whichever country it is, I really don't want to go there.

Jux · 28/02/2015 16:11

Keep on the path you were on before you saw his therapist. You were doing fantastically, and I hope this hasn't thrown you too much. Are you by any chance in a, for instance, Catholic country?

Original poster

beginningofnewbeginning · 28/02/2015 16:36

Thanks, I felt that the therapist thing was all wrong. I was angry when I got there as he wound me up in the car saying that he was not going to co-operate with the way I suggested we approach things with our 3 year old.

I did tell her that I don't think I need help and that I only wanted to meet her to try to improve my communication with h for the sake of the children. A lot of what she said did not really fit with things I have read or heard before and I do wonder if EA is really known about here. She also didn't speak English so though I understand their language for the most part, communication was not straightforward.

My friend actually suggested that I go to see his therapist to tell him that I am moving out and then to go and leave immediately so that any reaction he had would be handled by the therapist (I don't know if that's the right word, he calls her a psychologist).

As it is, I will now move on from that experience and get back on the path I was on before, getting myself out of this situation. H was upset afterwards saying that he wants to feel nothing for me but that he still loves me so much. I didn't really respond to this.

Now I am worried about how he may try and manipulate the children and am anxious to make sure that my relationship with them is good as I will be the one taking them away from their home and to a new place. He is very hands on with them and they often turn to him first for things as he is quite dominating.

OP posts:

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 16:47

I am relieved to read your latest update.

Keep strong.

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