What is your relationship like day-to-day?

[catlady1]

Especially interested if you have young children (bonus points if Dp is not their father).

Just wanting to get some perspective. I have been with DP a year, I have a 2 year old. I spend most days seething with resentment (only a slight exaggeration). DP stays in bed well into the afternoon when he is not at work (he is working through an agency at the moment so lots of temporary jobs) and goes out every night to his friend's house, often coming home stoned in the early hours. Meanwhile I'm getting up with DD on my own, taking care of the house, going to work in the afternoon, and coming home to an empty house.

I don't expect him to do anything for my daughter, and they get along well. He's not always out all night, sometimes he will come home so we can eat together. We rarely go out together, we rarely have sex (I have been guilty of making quite a big deal of the latter; he says he "can't he arsed.") He will do small bits of housework if I ask him to, such as the vacuuming or dishes, but feels he shouldnt have to clean up after me and DD. Generally refuses to touch the washing, doesnt dust, has never cleaned the bathroom.

When he is working he will eat and go straight to bed, understandably. At the weekend he generally stays in bed late, gets up to eat, sometimes we'll go shopping or something. Then he goes back to bed for a few hours, while I feed DD and get her bathed and to bed, then he'll quite often get up and go out.

I don't want to ask him to stop seeing his friends and I know my daughter isn't his problem, and obviously I can't go out every night because of DD. But sometimes I feel like he avoids me! He insists that he loves me, and I love him but there seems to be very little in this relationship for me. But will this be the case in any relationship I have, because of my DD? Because I still won't be able to go out all night, or stay in bed all day, and I'll always have to keep the house clean and the washing done and food on the table for her sake anyway, whether any potential partner helps out or not.

Is this just normal in a relationship of this kind? Or am I right to feel this way?

It's not good, is it?

"Problem" was the wrong word to describe my DD, I don't see her as a problem. It's just that obviously I have responsibilities that DP doesn't have.

He does contribute to the bills, when he is in work at least.

He hasn't been totally uninterested in DD, he will play with her when he's around and we went on a couple of day trips in the summer as a "family". He got up with her once when I was ill and he's put her to bed a couple of times so I could clean up after dinner. But not at all on a regular basis, maybe two or three times throughout our relationship. DD does still see her father and is close to him so I think there's an element of not wanting to step on his toes.

Sometimes he is really lovely, I think this is what keeps me hanging on. However he is also sometimes really moody. He definitely needs to grow up! It seems very likely to me that a lot of our issues are due to his drug use but he will never accept this, and his entire social life is based around it so he won't give it up.

A previous poster made a good point about my experience of relationships growing up - my parents very clearly didn't even like each other for many many years but stayed together for our sake. My mum would complain to me (when I was older) about the lack of sex, and went on to have multiple affairs. My dad didnt even drink but he was probably quite emotionally abusive, he would often belittle my mother and point out her faults. My only serious relationship previous to this was with my DD's dad, who cheated on me repeatedly and got me in a large amount of debt. It's no wonder I'm a mess really!

Get out now. Really, get rid, he sounds hideous.
A good relationship will be beneficial to all involved, this includes kids.
If it isn't, then stop.
Strong on your own is better than weak with someone.

Get rid! He's treating you like crap. I have a fiancé and 2 children from my previous relationship. Been together 3 years in July. He cleans, does DIY, school runs, bathing the kids. He's there for the kids completely, he's a father figure basically. What are you getting from this relationship. It sounds like he is using you!

Christ.

How do people accept such low standards? I'm sorry OP but the mind boggles. I think this joker's found cheap accommodation, with all services provided, he can treat it as a hotel and all he has to do is tell you he loves you every now and again.

Gosh that sounds awful. My children are grown up now. But I had two age 4 and 6 when we got together. And one together my dh stopped going out drinking. Stopped seeing his night clubbing friends. Worked full time and has devoted himself to being a fantastic dad helping with chores and parenting. My kids have grown up and adore him. We are a family he loves them unconditionally. I couldn't of stayed with someone that didn't want to share raising my children too.

Cock lodger

I think we need to have a serious conversation. He rolled in at almost 5am last night, he's still in bed.

We have spoke about having a child together but I really don't think he'd change if I we did, and fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I don't mind him going out, we met on a night out. I'd prefer it by miles if he went out once a week and got steaming drunk than what he does now. We basically live separate lives.

The sticking point for me is though, what do I expect? Surely no man is going to change or give up his life completely to be with me and my daughter. And obviously I have to stay in most nights so even if he did want to spend time with me, it would be very boring! This is my DP's point, there's nothing to do in the house but watch TV, he might as well go out. The winding down/tea-bath-bed-clean up ritual is boring and doesnt really need him, so he might as well go to bed. But I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship most of the time.

My DP has 2 DC's, I knew this when we got together and they are as much a part of my life as they are his. the concept of them being 'a problem' doesnt even come into it! No they are not mine and therefore I do not have to assume any responsibility for them, however I don't understand why you would get into a relationship with someone with kids and think you can carry on like they don't exist?! Me and DP will probably go out separately with our friends about once a week, not always a big night out, cinema, couple of drinks down the pub etc. it's about balance. He sounds like an arse who needs a sharp wake up call. You sound way too nice for him!

What is there to do in you house?
Speak to his partner!
Speak to his DSD!
Participate in the house hold
Read a book for goodness sake!!

OP write a list, (in your head if you like) if all the positive things about being in this relationship and all the negatives.

From what you have written, I can't see why you would continue like this.

Sorry catlady just read your last post.

You deserve a relationship where you get more than that. They exist. If he really wants to be with you he will make some changes to his life to make that happen. That's what I did. It's not changing who you are, it's being a grown up and making a relationship work because you want to be with that person.

He sounds like a child who needs constant entertainment. He can't sit with you and watch some telly?!

So you believe that this is the best you can get? You're not even going to open up to the possibility that you could meet somebody who actually enjoys spending time with you and your daughter, shares the responsibility of running a household, shares hobbies with you both and who values your company above the idea of getting stoned all night?

Sorry, but Vivacia has got it.

I'm on my second husband and have two children - one's an adult now, but DH1, who is not my first child's biological father, still did the school run, made her lunch, took her out and would never have taken off to his friend's at all without knowing I was ok with it, never mind every night! We had another child together, before we separated, and DH2 is also good with and attentive to my kids, though one is grown up now and one early teens.

We don't have our own kids (yet?) but even now, he wouldn't go swanning off after work every night. It's not how one plays the game, I'm afraid.

I would say cocklodger, but you're not even getting any of that...hmmm...

Another one here who can't see what you are getting from this "relationship".

No, it's not "normal" in my world.
You seem to be normalising his drug use for a start - is that really the example you want your dd to grow up around ?

I can't see any reason why anyone would want to stay in this 'relationship' as it sounds like he's doing no more than lodging there, and not even contributing all the time on a financial basis

It might also be naïve to think he is at 'a friends'.

I have read your posts, but not the remainder of the thread.

I'm not sure my story will help, as it's the opposite of yours.

Dh does more than his fair share of domestic stuff.
Has childcare responsibilities (not his children)
He's just lovely to be around.

I came home from work early last week to jump him.

We've weathered a few dramas (mc) and he's awesome.

He cooks most nights

Um can't think of much else. It's a lovely gentle rhythm of a relationship that I only ever thought exisited in books.

Ok I'll stop now.

Cat

I think relationships exist on a scale. A scale of on balance, with this person, am I getting more of the advantages, or disadvantages of being in a relationship ?.

Often it can be quite a revelation when (in your head) you look at the scales of your own relationship and note the extent to which one side dangles so very much lower than the other.

Might be worth a try. Becuase a person can get lost in the reletive weight of individual bits and bobs coming armed to other people, and it gets hard to see the wood for the trees. A simple weigh-off based on instinct has a clarity that going round the houses with details often does not.

Thanks for that lying your DP sounds lovely.

I have no reason to suspect he is cheating, although I imagine most people say that. I do think he has completely lost interest in me sexually. Whenever we are intimate it's all about him and getting him off as quickly as possible. He has said he would rather masturbate. It hasn't always been like this! There's not much point me bothering at all, but I do have quite a high sex drive and kid myself that maybe each time will be different.

I don't want to feel like this anymore but I will struggle to find someone else as I'm not very attractive and I don't get out much. I'm already on antidepressants, I dread to think what I'll be like properly on my own, without even someone there to text, even if that someone is blatantly taking the piss.

Staying with someone because you don't want to be alone is not a good reason to be with them.

I can't help but think you'll be a lot more attractive and less depressed without this dead weight around your neck.

Hes a cocklodger. seriously dont even consider having a child with this man,
You are cheap accomodation, nothing more, he does the bare minimum to ensure he still has a roof over his head, but its telling that even when you do have sex its all about wanking him off and his pleasure. ie he finds it a chore so is just pleasing himself and not you and getting it over with.

I may be wrong I doubt it bit you might find your depression magically starts to lift once the weight of this 'relationship' is off your shoulders. It won't happen straight away, it'll take a few months, but you'll initially. realise you're no worse off without him, then you'll gradually start to realise you're actually better off without him.

You sound lovely, honestly you're wasted on him .

cat I really feel for you and can relate to what you said about not wanting to be alone. I felt like that with my (now) ex a few years ago. I worried I wouldn't find anyone else because I have so many issues (first bf was sexually abusive and so I have many issues related to that, I struggle with self-harm, am on and off anti-depressants etc.) and didn't really go out much at the time so thought I'd never meet anyone else. But honestly, there is someone out there for you that is a million times better than this guy. I know that is so incredibly hard to hear right now and if you're anything like me, you'll probably cling to the smallest of things to justify staying with him.

It's really not on he's treating you like this, not to mention the sex! You're not even getting that out of him atm! I know it's not the be all and end all but it's really not good when a partner says they "can't be bothered" - if he had a lower sex drive it'd be one thing but to say he can't be bothered is unbelievable and you deserve so much better.

Keep talking on here if it helps you figure things out. I really hope you come to a more positive place with it all, whether that be him pulling his finger out and stepping up to the mark of committed partner and step-dad or going your separate ways. Is there anyone you can speak to in real life, perhaps a girly friend?

catlady1,

Why are you together at all with this person who is basically a cocklodger?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up exactly?. I think that thorny question also deserves your consideration now if you have not already asked yourself that.

And what if your DD went on to choose someone like this person in her life?. You're showing her that this is currently acceptable on some level to you.

I would think you are attractive but he has and will continue to make you feel ugly both inside and out. He takes no real notice of you now and cannot even be bothered with you. Small wonder your confidence has taken a battering.

Some men actively target single mums because they think that they are so desperate for any sort of male company that they would settle for any crap sort of relationship like the one you are currently in.

I also think your current depressive state would somewhat life once this awful role model of a man is gone from your lives. Staying with someone like this out of loneliness is no reason at all to stay with them; you're lonely even when he is there.

Once he is gone work on rebuilding your own self worth and life through counselling. It is precisely your situation that attracted him to you primarily because he knows that you were at that time low and feeling desperate for any male company. He could and has used you for his own ends.

I see unsurprisingly Catlady that your own parents relationship was awful as well. With such a crap template you had little to no chance of forming what are emotionally healthy relationships because you were never shown what a healthy relationship actually is. Your parents failed you utterly and I sincerely hope you do not see them much if at all now.

Get this overgrown manchild and user out of your life for your own sake as well as your DDs. Then work on you and be relationship free for 12 months. What does Catlady want from a relationship, who is she and what does she also want out of life?. Those are also the questions you should be asking yourself.

One generation i.e you has been very damaged by your parents own crap relationship and you owe it to your child i.e. the next generation that the same fate does not befell her. The damaging lessons that you were yourself taught about relationships can be undone through counselling but its going to be a long and painful process for you.

Cat lady, I have a 3yo and I'm about a year into a relationship with dp. I can't even bring myself to derail all the differences because it'd feel smug and boastful in comparison. It's a world apart from how you are being treated. Please think about the example it sets for your daughter about how a man should treat her- get out if this relationship, there are some wonderful men out there. Good luck.

OP, it almost sounds like he's behaving badly on purpose because he wants you to pull the plug since he doesn't have the guts.

I have no idea why some men do this. Perhaps a need to see themselves as the good guy (or the victim)?

At any rate, you've basically just been given a taste of what it's like to have a late-teenage son in the house Wave this waste of space goodbye because you deserve WAY better than this!