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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An outsider perspective needed please

40 replies

Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 18:46

DP has a habit of being too rough with play fighting (for context he's about 15 stone and I'm 8.5/9 stone). He always apologises if he realises it hurts me.

Today we were flicking through the films on sky and he was asking how I found Thor attractive. I said a comment about a Thor and captain America and he reached over and tapped me on the head with the remote. He got me on the temple. It still feels sore. I cried. He said it wasn't hard and couldn't hurt. DS1 (6) saw all of this and the when I said something to him DS slapped me on the hand.

Im fucking fuming. It feels as though he's just shown DS that it's perfectly acceptable to hit someone if they say something that you don't agree with.

I may however be completely overreacting as I've been in a shit mood all day.

Perspective please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 18:46

Oh gosh written down this looks so trivial Blush

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSanity · 27/02/2015 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hamptoncourt · 27/02/2015 18:50

Try telling him that the next time he physically abuses you, you will call the police.

Then do it.

I guarantee this will stop him, one way or the other.

You aren't overreacting you are underreacting.

BeakyMinder · 27/02/2015 18:50

He is being a thoughtless twat. Tell him it has to stop, or else. Don't negotiate, don't ask, tell!

BafanaThesober · 27/02/2015 18:51

Not trivial at all!!! I would be raging
But I really don't have any advice.
I would calm down before speaking to him, and then try to be rational as you explain how his actions are making you feel.

I can understand how upset you must be
I am sure better advice will be along soon

Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 18:51

I've been in an abusive relationship. From 15-18 I had my phone checked, wasn't allowed out except to work, bitten, punched, strangled, raped etc. yet I'm worrying over a tap to the head Confused

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 27/02/2015 18:53

Did you not read the replies??

TravelinColour · 27/02/2015 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/02/2015 18:56

If my husband accidentally hurt me to the point I cried, he'd be mortified and very apologetic. Not defensive and dismissive. I suspect your ds has seen more than this incident of "play" hitting. Most adults don't hit each other in play either. Do you thump him in fun?

All my instincts tell me your dh is getting off on being able to hurt you -sorry. Just because you've been in a truly horrific abusive relationship doesn't mean you have to put up with any abuse that is less than that.

Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 19:27

He's staying at his mums tonight anyway (arranged before this as he's taking her to the airport tomorrow). There's a huge backstory in that he has massive anger issues, never sure what will set him off and he screams and roars at me and the kids.

I don't know whether to email him saying don't bother coming home or try and have the guts to say it to his face tomorrow but I'm worried he will kick off in front of the DC.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 19:33

This man is an abuser

he's started pushing the boundaries already to test how much you will tolerate

use your experience wisely and end it now

Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 19:36

I do see your point AF. I think my brain is clouded from 7 years of every now and then the play fighting being a bit rough but no major incidents IYSWIM.

Thank you for all the replies. I need to ltb. I can't have either DS thinking this is normal and doing it themselves or DD putting up with it (or vice versa)

OP posts:
littleleftie · 27/02/2015 19:49

So he shouts at your DC as well? Wow he is a prince isn't he?

Are you going to get rid of him and start protecting your children?

I can see that he has clouded your judgement and I feel really sorry for you but why would you choose to live with, and make your children live with, someone who has "massive anger issues.....screams and roars at me and the kids"

I am pretty sure you would all be far happier without him. Is there anyone who could stay with you whilst he comes and collects his stuff? Can you pack a bag and send it round to his mums? Do you rent or own and whose name is it all in?

Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 19:52

We rent. He's not named on anything at all. So financially I'm ok. Will see if I can find someone to come over but I've packed an overnight bag for me and DCs to go to my mums.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/02/2015 20:00

He sounds horrible. I'd feel like hitting him with something a lot heavier than a remote control. But just leave. This isn't on. I wouldn't give him the chance of a next time.

bunchoffives · 27/02/2015 20:01

Blimey, even for mn that was quick!

It does sound as though when he hit you on the temple with the remote it was an accident? He didn't mean to do anything more than jokily tap you?

If that's the case then he needs to tell your DS that and make sure he doesn't think it's ok to hit mummy.

But if you are actually intimidated and on eggshells then that's very different of course.

But it all boils down to if you feel that the relationship is respectful and happy.

MrsKCastle · 27/02/2015 20:03

I'm glad that you see you need to ltb. The 'tap' with the remote was bad enough, but the 'anger issues' sound awful. Sounds like you're walking on eggshells.

I would email/text and tell him not to bother coming back. And if possible, have someone with you when he comes to collect his stuff- or send it round to him.

minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:08

Well done OP.
Good luck.

Make it clear to him this is not 'just' because he hit you with the remote. This is because he shouts, he dismisses your concerns, rough play AND because he hit you with the remote for having an opinion.
And he sets a bad example to your child.

Pps are right just because you have had it worse does not make bad ok. Sorry for this and your previous experiences Flowers

Lweji · 27/02/2015 20:08

Remarkably fast, but I agree that you should ltb.
Not only he thought it was a good idea to hit you with something heavy, but he told you it didn't hurt. Who is he to tell you if you got hurt or not?
And the rest about the anger issues.

It looks like this seemed ok after you escaped a much more abusive relationship, but this one is bad enough and just because it's a somewhat different type of abuse, it still doesn't make it ok.

Now, the key question is, as you have left or are about to, will you stay out or relent and go back once he turns on the water works, the poor me, the I'll never do it, how could you do this to the children? Will you be strong enough to stay out? Do you think you'll have enough support?

Original poster
Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 20:11

Christ knows. I've tried to leave before. I've left letters saying it's over and he just ignores it.

I will see this out. 7 fucking years of this. It's time I grew a backbone.

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:14

We 're here anytime you need support whether this is the time or not.

I'd go for the bag packing and texting while he is out.

Have you done the Freedom programme?

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:16

"play fighting that is a bit rough" is him practicing hurting you

he is a physical abuser in training

my blood runs cold whenever I hear "he hurts me when we playfight"

I have never, ever playfought with my husband and he would abhor any opportunity to hurt me, accidentally or accidentally on purpose

someone with a massive difference in height/weight/strength should not "playfight" with anyone

Rebecca2014 · 27/02/2015 20:19

It is sad how your son is copying his abusive father :(

Lweji · 27/02/2015 20:25

I would advise you to keep a good distance between him and you in the process of leaving. If you can leave, or keep him out, that would be the best thing.
He can't ignore you not being at home, or him being locked out.

He reached over to hit you with the remote and you are hurting. It was not an accident. That is DV. You can report him to the police and start a DV process, in addition to the other abuse.

Missqwerty · 27/02/2015 20:32

There is nothing wrong with play fighting. Maybe he jokingly tapped you on the head but didn't realise it would hurt. That on its own isn't a red flag imo, you would need to elaborate on the rest though

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