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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

An outsider perspective needed please

40 replies

Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 18:46

DP has a habit of being too rough with play fighting (for context he's about 15 stone and I'm 8.5/9 stone). He always apologises if he realises it hurts me.

Today we were flicking through the films on sky and he was asking how I found Thor attractive. I said a comment about a Thor and captain America and he reached over and tapped me on the head with the remote. He got me on the temple. It still feels sore. I cried. He said it wasn't hard and couldn't hurt. DS1 (6) saw all of this and the when I said something to him DS slapped me on the hand.

Im fucking fuming. It feels as though he's just shown DS that it's perfectly acceptable to hit someone if they say something that you don't agree with.

I may however be completely overreacting as I've been in a shit mood all day.

Perspective please.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 20:35

He smashed a neighbours brake light the other day with a go kart because he couldn't get it out of our back gate due to their car being too close. He then swore and screamed his head off in the garden over it.

That's just one example. The rest I'm too ashamed of witnessing and not leaving over.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 20:36

That's just one example. The rest I'm too ashamed of witnessing and not leaving over.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:36

Missq, that is a spectacularly ignorant post

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:37

OP, don't be ashamed. Use your anger that you are directing at yourself to take action. Proper action to get him away from you.

Call Women's Aid.

minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:39

Missqwerty the OP told him it hurt. He didn't care. Plus playfighting takes two. Hitting someone with the remote is just that, hitting them.

I used to playfight with partners who were the same size as me. We agreed first. It was genuine play. We laughed a lot. I usually won they let me win

My abusive x used to playfight. Only it wasn't play. It wasn't fun. Some always got 'accidentally' hurt. He does this to his dc too. Its a control thing.

Same as he used to stivk his hands under my clothes at inappropriate times without preamble. And then accuse me of lacking affection.

It was his way of owning me.

It is also known as deniable violence.

Original poster

Shamazeballs · 27/02/2015 20:40

I have to be angry at myself. I work in fucking childcare. I've done countless safeguarding courses and I've still managed to let this happen.

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:43

OP I understand. But really you have nothing to be ashamed of. His behaviour is just that, his. His choice, his responsibility, his shame.

I too have felt ashamed at what I 'put up with'. But actually it was what he put me through.

minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:45

It has happened OP. It has been done to you.

It is NOT your fault.
DA is not your fault.

His choice. His fault.

Once you have left and you have had time to heal you will be able to accept this better.

minkGrundy · 27/02/2015 20:46

Sorry that should read It hasn't happened to you OP it has been done to you.

Auburnsparkle · 27/02/2015 20:47

Please don't blame yourself. Your ex may have been a level 10 abuser, but your current bloke may not in your eyes be as bad - but he prob still a level 8 abuser. Even level 1 is not acceptable is it.

I would contact Women's Aid for support and do the Freedom Programme. In person or online

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

cantbelieveimonhere · 27/02/2015 20:57

Sound advice Lwegi, doesn't sound like this is someone who is going to take being left/asked not to return well. Have other(s) present and although it can feel like a big thing to do, contact police. There need to be consequences for actions.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 21:16

Then do something about it, OP. No more excuses.

ilovelamp82 · 28/02/2015 00:04

Don't be ashamed. I've yet to hear of a person that has left an abusive relationship at the first hint of trouble. These things don't happen until they've got you where they want you and they can test the boundaries.

This is not your fault. But as above, i would suggest having someone with you. If the flat is in your name, ask him to leave and change the locks.

Be prepared for the tears, the blaming, the shouting etc and stand strong. If you have gone back in the past and feel yourself getting weak there are lots of people on here who can help you.

differentnameforthis · 28/02/2015 01:22

It's not trivial...he didn't tap you, he hit you.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2015 02:58

Any person who uses their strength to hurt someone (and after the first time, it's not accidental) is abusive. My XH started out just like that. 'Wrestling', 'love taps', 'rough' sex. It WILL get worse.

Just as an opposite example, my now DH accidentally hit me with the remote once when he tossed it to me a little too hard. I missed it & got conked on the nose. He was mortified and apologetic. It's never happened again.

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