Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Inlaws = HELP!

59 replies

Starlight9 · 27/02/2015 11:07

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, me and dh already have a 2 year old (not biologically his - but he has been her Father since she was 1 and will be adopting her legally in the future).

His family make no effort with my daughter, she has no idea that dh isn't her biological father but fil likes to comment that 'she is my daughter and not his' infront of her. Mil or Fil have not make any effort to contact me since finding out I was pregnant or any effort to visit.

Sil has visited maybe once or twice and on last visit, made claims that her mother would have the baby once a week and that she would help too (I am due 2nd of Sept and am returning to uni in Oct (baby attending with me) and work weekends (will possibly have some time off but baby will be left with dh so I don't see the problem with not taking maternity)... ANYHOW - I barely know these people! I am fully aware that they are related to the child and will never do anything to stop the relationship but as for thinking that they can take the baby on their own? :S they're practically strangers to me! .... Plus there are also issues with sil constantly screaming at her lo's, and fil has once or twice banged my doors and windows screaming and shouting through letterbox because we didn't answer (Sunday morning - we were in bed!!!) ... There is also the issues with my lo desperate to go with sil when she visits (her children are similar ages) but she makes an excuse, promises that she will collect her another time and never does.. so how would she feel if baby is collected and she is left here?! She has no idea that dh isn't her father so there isn't a way of explaining 'sorry but they just don't see you as family' :-(

I am lose as to what to do! I can not force them to love my lo but couldn't have her feeling left out, how unfair!
Am I being completely out of order and should let them take baby?

Please note, I have no issues with them visiting baby here as often as they would like to.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/02/2015 14:39

No. You shouldn't leave your baby with people you don't trust. And who, moreover, do not treat your children equally.

They sound vile. I would refuse any contact with them, to be honest.

DistanceCall · 27/02/2015 14:44

As for not wanting to keep your child from having a relationship with his/her father's family - why on earth would you want your child to have a relationship with these toxic people?

You don't have to have relationships with people just because you're related.

Original poster

Starlight9 · 27/02/2015 14:50

MIL - oh dear. She has never done anything wrong, she just hasn't done anything.. she is dropped to work and collected each day and doesn't go anywhere else other than that. When I first met dh, she would have to speak to him while in work and then erase the call log as her husband (my fil) 'would not be happy' ... But I genuinely do like her and would probably have a relationship with her if Fil did not exist as part of it. But she will only do what he thinks she should so would never dream of visiting without him.
If fil was not at home, I probably would make an effort to visit her when baby is born. But haven't now because I have little of interest to her so not sure she would be interested.

OP posts:

peppapigonaloop · 27/02/2015 14:51

They sound horrid. I would be cutting contact as much as possible..and NO WAY would they be taking baby anywhere without me. Your DH needs to step up and protect you, your DD and baby as a family unit.

Nearasdammit · 27/02/2015 15:08

No. I wouldn't encourage any contact. They sound horrible.

gingerbreadmam · 27/02/2015 15:11

thats a shame about mil! sounds like he controls her. would be nice if u could arrange to go for a coffee or something with her when fil was at work.

fil does sound like trouble id keep ur distance there if u can. as others have said the dont automatically have rights to be in your life just because they are family but i suppose it depends on how far u r willing to go and then u obv care a lot about dp and dont want to make him do anything he doesnt want to.

i hope u can find some even ground somewhere where u and dp are happy and the dc are protected from fil's behaviour.

hamptoncourt · 27/02/2015 17:12

OP your ILS sound totally toxic and vile and I simply cannot understand why you want to facilitate a relationship between them and your DC just because they are blood relatives.

Surely being a mother means you protect your children from behaviour like theirs, you shouldn't enable it!!

I would move as far away from them as I could - seriously.

If you really cannot move then just cut down all the contact as much as you can and hope they lose interest.

Holdthepage · 27/02/2015 17:15

Your FIL sounds like a complete nightmare.

rumbleinthrjungle · 27/02/2015 22:59

You certainly don't have to hand your baby over to anyone unless you want to, and I certainly wouldn't give my baby to someone I barely knew, didn't trust and couldn't stand! No no no no no. SiL can expect all she likes and state her plans all she likes, she can also repeatedly voice her intention that you'll be colouring your hair blue and dancing naked on the lawn. Doesn't mean you're compelled to do it.

Flip

1 2 3