Inlaws = HELP!

[Starlight9]

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, me and dh already have a 2 year old (not biologically his - but he has been her Father since she was 1 and will be adopting her legally in the future).

His family make no effort with my daughter, she has no idea that dh isn't her biological father but fil likes to comment that 'she is my daughter and not his' infront of her. Mil or Fil have not make any effort to contact me since finding out I was pregnant or any effort to visit.

Sil has visited maybe once or twice and on last visit, made claims that her mother would have the baby once a week and that she would help too (I am due 2nd of Sept and am returning to uni in Oct (baby attending with me) and work weekends (will possibly have some time off but baby will be left with dh so I don't see the problem with not taking maternity)... ANYHOW - I barely know these people! I am fully aware that they are related to the child and will never do anything to stop the relationship but as for thinking that they can take the baby on their own? :S they're practically strangers to me! .... Plus there are also issues with sil constantly screaming at her lo's, and fil has once or twice banged my doors and windows screaming and shouting through letterbox because we didn't answer (Sunday morning - we were in bed!!!) ... There is also the issues with my lo desperate to go with sil when she visits (her children are similar ages) but she makes an excuse, promises that she will collect her another time and never does.. so how would she feel if baby is collected and she is left here?! She has no idea that dh isn't her father so there isn't a way of explaining 'sorry but they just don't see you as family' :-(

I am lose as to what to do! I can not force them to love my lo but couldn't have her feeling left out, how unfair!
Am I being completely out of order and should let them take baby?

Please note, I have no issues with them visiting baby here as often as they would like to.

op ignore the harsh posts.

The first thing you need to remember is this is your baby, so if anyone stakes claim that Tom,dick and Harry will be picking the baby up - just say no thanks.

I had to do this with mil but thats another thread.

I can see why it's hurtful if they would treat your other child differently and if she was your adopted daughter posters would be up in arms about it. Although I can see FIL being nasty enough to let your dd know so I would start broaching that with her now - gently, so you can manage how it's delivered.

If they can't pull themselves together to treat to siblings the same then I would keep a distance from them- but that's just me. My grandmother had 26 grandchildren , some are not biological but she treats them all the same. Good people can do that. Petty people can't.

Set your stall out now. Don't allow yourself to get bullied like I did while pregnant.

Good luck on your new baby x

Thank you for the comments.

I don't know why I'm so worried about it. I am confident enough to tell them that they will not be taking the baby alone. I'm just concerned that I will divide baby with its family because of it. Although they do all drive and live locally and are always welcome.

I'll look online and purchase the book now.

I had a similar relationship with my paternal family to what dh had with his and just feel that I have these people forced on me because of my relationship with him, although I refuse to have relationships with part of my own family because of similar reason. I simply do not want to make an effort with them.. on the very rare occasions that his father will visit, I cry when he leaves because he makes me feel so rubbish about myself. - I just can't be around them.

Big thank you to the nicer comments!

I'm close to tears that people would make vile ones about how long me and dh have been together for etc. And like you said - if she was my adopted daughter. I'm not naïve enough to allow a man to be my daughter's Dad when I do not know 100% that he will always be her Dad, whether our relationships continues or not. (although I'm sure that it will!)

I have never planned to not tell my daughter but she would not understand it right now!!! Her happiness and wellbeing are my main priority here, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise this.

I also do not understand a child 'not being a part of the family because they aren't biologically' ? My sister has been in a relationship for a very short time with a lovely man who has a child, I wouldn't dream or not treating him as part of the family! If we have family events at weekends, he is always invited and this will not chase if their relationship fizzles out. There is never an excuse to treat a child differently, I don't think so anyway. But I was part of a large family with a lot of children so family members and their friends usually filled family events and everybody was treated the same! :)

starlight i think as the thread has gone on the issue has become apparent.

i dont really know what to recommend, can you just keep your distance from the in laws and let dp see them as and when he wants, preferably away from ur home but without making it an issue if that makes sense?

tbh if u start to distance yourself now that would stand you in a better position for when the baby comes.

i can see both sides to the dc being treat differently based on biology i dont know what to suggest on that front. but i suppose its not worth worrying about until it happens as it could be a case that it never really does.

I always called him by his first name but she was adamant that he was 'Dad - it wouldn't have been fair to refuse to allow her to do this.

Really? She was only one. Now she's still only two. I just don't believe that.

Look, if your partner plans on adopting her and he's the only father she's ever known then I don't have a problem with her calling him Dad in theory, but you do seem to have moved very quickly having a child with a guy, to having a child with another. Perhaps your partner's parents are a bit wary that this relationship will not last and they don't want to get very attached to your DD and start seeing her a granddaughter until they feel sure that she will be in their lives for the forseeable future.

But all that aside, I would not tolerate unreasonable behaviour from them or allow them to make any assumptions about what amount of unsupervised access they will have to their grandchild when they may make effort to get to know you.

'YOU DONT HAVE A PROBELM WITH HER CALLING HIM DAD' are you relevant to my daughter's life? and yes my daughter was fully capable of calling him 'Dad' without my say-so. As I mentioned earlier, she also calls my stepfather 'Dad' but hasn't heard him being called this.

How do you know how 'fast' I have moved having a child with one man to having a child with another? You are such a negative fool, honestly.
I had a relationship with dd's father since high school, he left when I found out that I was pregnant. That was over 3years ago.. between that time and now, I have met somebody else and conceived. I wouldn't say that over three years - with a marriage inbetween - is the shortest period of time that women spend before conceiving.

I definitely wouldn't let any of them carry on thinking they will be looking after your baby for one day a week. Just a simple "no, that won't be happening" any time it is mentioned should suffice.

I would have been totally creeped out if my IL's or SIL had been telling me they were going to be looking after my baby before it was even born.

They don't sound like very nice people, start distancing yourself & don't worry about keeping up relationships with relatives who don't deserve it.

Starlight9 just ignore the posters who are commenting on your DD's relationship with your DH, it really is none of their business & you have already asked them not to.

I haven't seen any vile comments really Starlight, certainly nothing personal about you worthy of tears. For those of us that didn't automatically start shouting 'NC, Toxic parents' I would point out that you mentioned nothing about ill treatment of you initially, you described them as strangers with some annoying traits. You later started mentioning insidious remarks made about you and that they were vile which changes things.

Your new baby hasn't yet been born, it is not surprising that people were not universally ready to condemn these people on the basis that they MIGHT treat baby and your DD differently. With respect, I think your rather extreme reaction to not being agreed with might be down to you knowing perhaps people have a point.

I would make no decisions about your in laws until your baby is born and ensure that your partner is clear that you are now a family including DD. If they are disrespectful about that then you can make your decision.

Starlight, don't feel you have to justify yourself WRT your DD. As far as I am aware you are asking about your ILS. Given that they don't appear to accept your DD perhaps its best to keep them at arms length. You are a family and your DP clearly treats your DD as his own, at the end of the day this is what is important.

I think maybe some people are feeling a little bored and wanting to spread a little negativity... nobody has commented that her biological father rejected her before she was even born but find it right to slate that I have allowed dh to be a father to her.. hmm? it doesn't make any sense at all.

OPs third paragraph in her initial post shows both her SIL and FIL doing behaviours that amount to harassment (particularly in the case of FIL). Such should never be at all tolerated and my initial comments are primarily about their behaviours as well.

Why should awful family members be at all tolerated because they are family. Some families are just bad to be at all around, not all families are kind and loving. They have and continue to treat their own son and his wife with contempt and its no surprise therefore that Starlight does not want to make any further effort with them.

Sorry x posted. I think it is admiral your DP loves your DD, if only more kids were brought up with loving people!

Admirable even!

Oh for Christs sake OP, give over. Yes indeed, I am a well of negativity who is bored. As oppose to someone who is trying to point out an alternative interpretation. You were clearly hoping for everyone to tell you to cut contact with your DPs parents - you do what you think is best, I just think its a pity that you are thinking that way after only a few months of pregnancy.

Oh and I read the 'harrassment' as an ill advised visit from the FIL too early in the morning on one or two occasions that woke the OP and her family up - I assume he wasn't screaming 'get up you bitch' through the letterbox? I stand corrected if so.

He was screaming 'Get out of bed. Open the f**ing door'. He wouldn't exactly be screaming nice things through the letterbox. Bare in mind, it was approx. 7:30am.. I did tell him what I thought of this and told him to leave.

Those who are commenting on my daughter's relationship with my dh shouldn't be commenting at all! Why question a relationship that they do not know the ins and outs to?

My post was to seek advice regarding my unborn child and my inlaws, not my daughter and husband.

Banging on windows and doors to get the occupants up amounts to my mind to harassment; I am sure he would not have tolerated that for one second if they had done that to him. It further shows a complete lack of respect for these people, one of whom is his son.

Starlight

If he has the nerve to do that again, I would have no compunction about calling the police to speak to him about his actions.

No wonder you do not want any contact with his family; that I daresay is one of many such similar incidents of him trying to assert power and control over you.

It absolutly is harassment - my mil used to do it to me while I was pregnant. She caught me hiding from her once. It's bullying and intimidating.

op I really really wish I'd nipped my problems in the bud with mil from the off set. Instead I've endured four years of twattery of her because I didn't want to hurt or upset DP or MIL. I put my feelings behind everyone else and tbh no one give a shit. Every one was happy apart from me.

I went NC with my mil at new year - I was prepared to lose DP but I wasn't prepared to lose any more self respect. And what a fucking breath of fresh air it is not having her hang over me like a old fart.

Don't endure someone's bad behavour for the sake of some one else. Stick up for you x

When I said I don't have a problem with her calling him Dad, of course I wasn't implying that you should give a stuff about what I think, but lots of posters seemed to be suggesting that you should 'be honest' with your DD and not lead her to think that your DH is her real father. But to a child who is so young it's pretty difficult to explain that he is not her Dad while allowing/encouraging her to call him Dad. All I was saying is that if he's been around for almost her entire life then it would be weirder to suddenly announce when she's four or five that she can start calling him Dad than to let her do it organically. There is time as she gets a little bit older to explain the difference between a biological and a non-biological dad, just as it is done with adopted children. It should never be hidden, but neither is there any point in announcing it on day 1 when they are too young to grasp what it all means.

As for me making assumptions that you went fairly quickly onto having a second child with a second man, well I was just going by how you made it sound. This is what you said:

'I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, me and dh already have a 2 year old…..he has been her Father since she was 1.

Obviously a 'one year old' can be anywhere from 12 months to almost two, and a two year old could be almost 3, but I took it that you meant literally one year old, as in twelve months or thereabouts. It just sounded pretty soon to me. Sorry if I misunderstood.

welllll well, well.

Unless you have been through crappy situations with parents and family and inlaws you really have no business in telling the OP to give over/get a grip or to tell her to suck it up and it's not bad.

I wouldn't let my DC go with a stranger, not at 2, 4 or 6 or 8. The FIL shouting through the door is NOT what normal people do.

It's what my mums' Vile Husband would do, unless he got in the house and could barge me and my DS about.. which is actually what he did. He and my mother have no more contact with me and/ds as a result. they are absolutely no loss to me. and much less to my son.

I'm glad your DD has a good man to look to for support, love and all the wonderful things good parenting provides.

You absolutely need to keep your DC close to you and away from the inlaws. I bet they will be distinguishing between yours and 'theirs'. take an absolutely ZERO tolerance of this and any other antisocial/family behaviour

We have nc with DP dad because he's also an arsehole!

i misinterpretated the original post i think, i thought the op was upset that they were favouring her dps unborn biological dc over her dc from a previous relationship.

as the thread has done on it seems like advice is wanted about ils that are causing some problems which is why the big mix on advice i think.

what other things have the in-laws done? is it just fil and sil? how is mil (if there is one)?

I think there are two issues here, one that they do favour the unborn bio GC over the step GDD, but the other more pressing issue is that they seem to be nasty arseholes.