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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In need of some tough love

31 replies

perfectlyincapable · 27/02/2015 01:51

So I got with a guy last year for a few months, we were both fresh out of long term relationships and probably rebounding.
I went insane over this guy in terms I was obsessed and we were together all the time very sweet words of promises blah blah, anyway we split, well I got dumped because he wasn't sure what he wanted and funnily enough he went back to his ex and I broke down, lost my job and went into self destruct, slowly I started getting better but...

Months on I'm still a bit broken and hanging on to anything I can with the stupid hope that he will realise that I'm the one he wants, today he got back in contact just friendly, him and his gf are rocky, I am sadly back to square one.

Tell me to grow up and how to get over it.
I'm a fully grown adult for crying out loud.

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 27/02/2015 04:56

Cut off all contact. He picked his gf so he can deal with the rocky relationship by himself...you sure as hell don't have time to deal with him.

freelanceconundrum · 27/02/2015 05:48

Rejection is shit. What you need to ask yourself is why you need him to want you so badly. He has treated you very badly. That is not someone you should want in your life.

snickers251 · 27/02/2015 07:25

Was in a similar situation before I met my now dh

Was infatuated with a man who clearly couldn't decide what he wanted and it went on for 4 effing years!!

I cannot think for the life of me why I was so obsessed, especially as he treated me so badly

It's easy for someone to say stay away from him but you probably already realise it's not going to work, don't waste years. Find someone who wants you and knows it

BettyNettle · 27/02/2015 07:31

What others have said, don't waste more time.

Don't give him headspace.

Delete his contact details, block him.

Make a plan to find distractions (travel, hobbies, ANYthing) and stick to it.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 07:37

Don't be a mug

he dumped you, now he wants you to make him feel better after the woman he fucked you over for has dumped him

or he fancies doing the dog with two dicks thing for a while

you are worth more than that

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 07:55

You're better than being someone's fallback. Cut the contact, do something useful with your life, relocate if you have to. Make an effort to leave this user behind

Meerka · 27/02/2015 10:06

Did he press your buttons? If so, how?

It can help to work out exactly what it was about him that triggers such incredibly intense feelings that you actually ended up unable to do your job.

Obsession is rarely actually about a real person it's about your own feelings and some combination of things that trigger them (imo anyway; I'm not sure that someone who is actually obsessed really sees the actual person who they are obsessed with; it's about what they think they are, not what they actually are).

If that's the case, if you can isolate what it was that triggered such intense feelings it can help, because then it becomes about you and not him ... it is usually about you, in this situatoin.

If I'm completely wrong in your particular situation then say so! :)

Other than that, what everyone says. Cut the contact. If you can, move to where you won't see him. Makre sure you're busy with other things. Allow yourself space to cry, but not too much - maybe put aside some minutes each day to think and cry and then to go and do somethign else.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 27/02/2015 13:08

Thank you everyone you are of course all right, I should cut all contact, I did that before but he messaged me, I know he will get back into my head if I allow it, the problem is aside from the fact he dumped me to go back to his ex, he really was the nicest guy I had ever met we were good friends before hand and I would have done anything to make him happy, he always had a way with words and the memories of this is why I'm struggling so much.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 27/02/2015 13:42

Drop the "IN" from your name, & become "capable", of forgetting him, he is a user, hold your head high chest out, onward & upward for you now...

CunningCat · 27/02/2015 14:26

I'm with AF.
Perhaps he has contacted you so he can have his cake and it eat!
He is not good for you.

ArabellaWilson · 27/02/2015 18:18

And your life 6 months, a year, 5 years will look like what?

Ilovemybedbaby · 27/02/2015 18:53

Tell him to do one, if you get back with him soon enough he will get sick and run back to her, and it will go on and on! You worth more, let her have him there is someone lovely out there who will take care of you , but you won't find him with this using tosspot in your life!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 19:02

He's only the nicest guy in the world until something better comes along. What I think you really mean is that he turns on the charm to get what he wants. I always think it's massively insulting when someone who has shat on you from a great height clicks their fingers expecting you to come running. He must think you're a desperate fool with no memory.

alwayslookingforsomething · 27/02/2015 19:23

I think Cog is right (as usual!). It is massively insulting and also he knows that he has power over you which is not a good thing

littleleftie · 27/02/2015 19:44

Block him. He just is not that special and he is using you as a fallback, an ego boost.

Every time you answer his texts or calls he thinks Oh yeah, incapable she still wants me, I could have her back any time I liked, I don't really want her though."

Hope that is enough tough love for you - you did ask Grin

AmyElliotDunne · 27/02/2015 19:57

I would reply saying "I'm not sure why you think I'd be interested in what's happening between you and GF" and then block. Tosser.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 15/04/2015 15:42

Update I know it's an old thread but lots of things have happened since.
So I cut all contact, everything and tried so hard to move on.

Except last week he turned up on my doorstep, he has split up with his GF and he wanted to apologise for how he treated me, he is genuinely sorry by the sounds of it and now single.
I told him I want a friendship and it's going well we have been out for a few drinks a couple of times and he texts me everyday just friendly.

Until last night the feelings have all come flooding back and he knows it, we spent the night flirting a little and having a laugh enjoying each others company but we did have a serious conversation at the end of the night.

So basically we are both still interested but I'm terrified of him going back to his ex as soon as she picks up on our friendship she will come running, and he is scared of being hurt and is generally a little bit insecure.

Can this ever work or am I just kidding myself?
I'm scared and confused, I know he is a good man but I also don't want to get hurt.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 15:47

Sorry but this is still as much of a bad idea as when you first asked.

You are making yourself incredibly vulnerable and he will just fuck you off again when GF snaps her fingers.

Tell him it's not going to work for you and you can't be friends as you're too emotionally invested.

You need to be your own best friend here.

Meerka · 15/04/2015 16:18

I know he is a good man

Is he? are you sure? what evidence have you seen of it? how well do you know him? what's he like when he is with people he considers unimportant? what's he like when his own interest and someone else's collides? what does he get angry about and how does he handle it?

His record so far isnt very good and you've given no indication so far that he's a 'good' man at all. Your feelings are out of control here, he's triggering them somehow and if you get together you'll see a very different man by the time the infatuation has faded. He might be different-and-good, or different-and-bad, but so far he's not made a particularly good showing. Now people can change and mature but not that quickly.

You really don't know him at all.

Jan45 · 15/04/2015 16:22

You are his second option, you will never be his number one, he's already proved that to you.

Instead of wasting time on a guy who is clearly not that bothered about you, why not go out and find a nice guy who won't mess you about, unless of course you are loving the drama of it all.

I guarantee he will either go back to the ex or have replaced you in the next few months, if a guy really wants you, he doesn't take a risk by dumping you to go back with an ex.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 15/04/2015 16:27

No seriously he is a good man, I have known him for several years, never seen him get angry over anything (and I worked with him for a while) he just goes off and thinks about things and he doesn't consider anyone unimportant.

Genuinely a nice guy, the problem is me I think I let him in and got upset because he wasn't sure of what he wanted and left me, which again was done nicely.
He now knows what he wants and is dealing with it appropriately breaking up with his girlfriend before contacting me but we are both unsure of the above because of last time.

Previously he just wanted friendship when he was with his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 15/04/2015 16:29

Jan45 you have just hit the nail on the head with why I'm unsure.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/04/2015 16:31

I think you are kidding yourself on, just because he is not with his ex doesn't now mean he's actually realised he is in love with you, in fact he is on rebound again so will probably do the same thing again to you, perhaps not with the ex, perhaps with someone else.

You sound absolutely obsessed with him, I think he will know you are there, no matter what, that's not very attractive, you need a bit of mystery about you, perhaps that's why he left you in the first place, because he knew he could get you running back to him - sorry, but it sounds like you are just his stop gap, not the person he actually does love.

Meerka · 15/04/2015 16:32

ok did not realise you'd known him for some years. even so he made you sweet promises last time Hmm

the intensity of your feelings -is- a problem. This would be very hard to do but in a way I'd recommend dealing with it as if after a bad split - wait several months or up to a year. From what you write, it's as if your feelings are the same as someone having an affair; overheightened and fundamentally unrealistic.

Jan45 · 15/04/2015 16:32

You clearly are mad on this guy but instead of laying everything out there for him, make him work a bit, if he really wants to be with you he will happily chase you for a change.