How do I know if I have a future with DH?

[WhatCanIChange]

Long story short over the past 8 months I have found out my DH lies about little things because he says that he 'wants to protect me', he 'doesn't know how I would react', 'he doesn't want me to be upset'. The sort of things that I know he lies about are trivial and if I knew the truth I wouldn't be bothered about. He says he won't lie again and then he does.
I now do not trust him and I think the situation is making me unwell. I feel constantly on edge and I feel like I am waiting for the next lie. I do not know what to do. I do not know if I can stay married to someone I do not trust but I do not know how to go about trusting him again.
We have teen DC.

Mistrust is a very stressful way to live because you're always wondering what they're not telling you. People who lie about trivial stuff 'to protect you' are being both disingenuous and patronising. How dare they decide what information you can and can't cope with?

The onus is always on the liar to rebuild the trust. Your only responsibility is to yourself.

Cog, that is actually exactly how I feel, I simply do not know what he says is true and what he says is false.
I just do not know what to do. Sometimes I want him to decide that he doesn't want me anymore so that it will all be over and that I could feel some relief. Yet other times I am desperate that he wants me and feel that I would do anything to keep him.
I gave him an ultimatum that is he lied again then we would be over, he lied again and I didn't follow through with the ultimatum, he has since lied at least one more time.
He says he loves me but I don't think his action show that.

ultimatums are pointless unless you follow through with action, but don't beat yourself up I gave my ex about 50 "one last chance" speeches before I finally did call time on the relationship.

Like cog says it's patronising for him to decide what you can and can't cope with knowing and that shows a lack of respect, he's treating you like a child rather than a partner. Mistrust in a marriage slowly eats away at everything till there's nothing left to save.

What kind of things does he lie about? Have you clearly explained to him why you don't want him to lie to you? (I know it sounds silly, but maybe he needs to understand a bit more about how it makes you feel).

I don't really know what to advise though. I couldn't be with someone like because I'd always be wondering what big things they're lying about.

I don't envy your dilemma. The implications of calling it a day are serious and there will be a big part of you that is rationalising the lies as not being all that bad by comparison. Lots of room for doubt. However, don't dismiss the anxiety that is making you feel ill. That's quite a bad reaction.

Can I ask? How do these lies come to light? Do you actively check up on him, does he tell you or do things get revealed accidentally? What kinds of things does he lie about? Is there scope for the little lies to be a smokescreen for bigger lies?

I have clearly explained that I do not want him to lie to me. I have told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who lies to me but I didn't follow through with my ultimatum.
The sort of things he lies about are just so silly. He has lied about his day. I got home from work (he was off work that day) and asked him about his day and he said 'oh bit boring really, didn't go out just did some paperwork'. Turns out he went out with a mate and did his hobby. I wouldn't have cared about him doing his hobby in the slightest.
He has lied about the cost of a 'boys' trip away, we couldn't have afforded for him to go on the trip at the real cost, he didn't go in the end but I still do not know how he would have paid for it.
He has even lied about what he eats for lunch. I just do not understand why he lies and if he lies about the little stuff I just do not believe that he doesn't lie about the big stuff.
He actually risked our marriage over what he had for his bloody lunch. I would like to point out that I do not care what he eats.

No I do not check up on him, I couldn't live like that but I am sorely tempted to. They come to light accidentally, on the day he spent doing his hobby his friend started talking about it when he was visiting our house and the trip away this same friends wife was complaining about the cost of the trip and she had been told the real price.
I think I do try and rationalise his behaviour. I keep thinking what if I call it a day and it is a mistake? How could I do that to my children? I am also wondering what is wrong with me? For him to lie to me knowing how it makes me feel I can't be a very nice person can I?

I would never personally advocate checking up on someone because I think, once you're at that stage, you're so deep into mistrust that you might as well call it a day. Others tell me they need to know the truth and that a bit of targeted digging helps them make up their mind.

You see, a man that lies about his whereabouts, his spending and what he had for lunch can easily be a man covering up something bigger. I know someone who, on the pretext of working away from home, calls his DW from outside his OW's house pretending he's about to arrive at his hotel and again in the morning allegedly on his way to the appointment. It wouldn't take much for her to discover he never checked in but, because she doesn't ask the right questions, she never suspects. I'm not saying your DH has a mistress, but my point is that you probably won't know the right questions to ask either. So it could pay to be a lot more inquisitive.

Oh please don't, blaming yourself for his inadequacies, he likes because he chooses to, it has FA to do with you.

Personally I can completely understand your frustration, and for me, it would be the end of the relationship - he lies=no trust.

lies, not likes!

I wonder, does he usually lie to cover up financial issues, ie spending money or intending to spend money he/you both can't afford? The boys holiday is one example. And wrt lunch, does he lie saying he ate a packed lunch/cheap sandwich but actually had nice lunch in a café, that sort of thing?
I'm just trying to understand why he would suddenly start lying about silly things and was thinking perhaps money is an issue in your relationship?

With regards to finances we are in no way rolling in money but we are generally comfortable. The trip away (real price) we could have afforded IF we didn't have a family holiday. We could have afforded the made up price and a family holiday.
Lunch he takes a packed lunch to work (His choice) but when he lied he went out somewhere for lunch, he said he lied about that as he knew I didn't get the chance for many lunches out.
I am wondering if he hasn't always lied and I just never realised.

Hmmm ok, I waa wondering if he is frittering away money he knew he shouldn't and doesn't have the balls to tell you as he knows it may cause an argument.
It must be very unsettling to suddenly have to re-evaluate your whole history together, I'm so sorry for you op.

He lies, you know this for a fact.

Your ultimatum wasn't enough to stop him lying.

The situation isn't going to change, he's not going to change, so you need to accept he's a liar and live with it, or you do something to change your situation.

Do you think that there is anything that can be done to change the situation?
Counselling or something?

I don't think this necessarily means that there are bigger secrets that he's hiding. It sounds to me like he's a guy who likes an easy life, and who doesn't like conflict. I'm not excusing that behaviour, but I think there's a big difference between a kind of childish weakness (not wanting to tell you how much a trip costs in case he can't go) and huge deception (cheating). The answer has to involve him being open and taking more responsibility for things, which means taking the consequences of his actions rather than trying to avoid them. I think you may have to lay down the law to get him to understand quite how corrosive and damaging this is.

I also wonder about your own reaction, OP. It sounds as though you have some serious trust issues going on there, and I wonder if your reaction of ending a marriage over something that is relatively trivial is really proportionate. I am absolutely NOT saying you shouldn't be bothered by this behaviour, but divorce? I wonder if there are insecurities that you, too, need to look at here?

'is there anything that can be done to change this behaviour?'

No. You cannot change another person's values or behaviour. They are responsible for rneir own choices. You tried an ultimatum and it wasn't taken seriously. You can only ever either reject or tolerate.

I don't think it is necessarily an overreaction to be thinking of ending a relationship over this kind of thing. Small lies in isolation may be normal or tolerable. Cumulatively, however, it's a different matter. I would expect there are other problems in the relationship OP - perhaps there is some dissatisfaction or resentment at being taken for granted - and the trivial lies with the patronising undertone are the last straw.

I don't want a divorce!
If I had my way we could back a year when I trusted him implicitly and it never occurred to me that he would lie to me, especially over such trivial things.
But as things stand I don't know if anything my husband says to me is true or if he even really wants to be with me as he lied after my ultimatum. And I don't know if I can continue in a relationship like that.
My husbands lies have made me insecure, I wasn't before.

Do you think he's always been this way, or is this a recent behaviour that's just started? If recent, is there something that's changed, that you can pinpoint?

I'm of the opinion that telling the truth is always best. If you lie you better have a good memory to remember your story, BUT.......

when I was younger I was almost made to lie about little things by my mum, because that's what she did. She always did it, still does at times, to avoid any confrontation or arguments. And the number of times I had to lie to collectors at the door (even they must have known)! It took me a long time to stop doing it, almost late teens really. Embarrassing now to think back

You need to make it clear that the resulting outcome of any lies coming to light are much, much worse than the thing lied about.

Of course you don't want a divorce, but I expect he knows that. He takes it as a given that, whatever you say and however often he tells lies, nothing bad is going to happen and his life will carry on as normal. Your feelings don't appear to concern him either. What incentive is there for him to improve?

Considering there is no reason to lie about these little things , you have to wonder what motivates this. Maybe it's simply because he can and he enjoys deciding what information you can and can not have. whatever it is its not healthy and not acceptable.

I have known someone like this and along with the meaningless lies about what they did they also lied about things they didn't do , making up daft story's about things that didn't happen. Google dupers delight and keep an eye on his expression when he's talking to you.

In your shoes I would insist on access to all financial issues so that he can not deceive you about important stuff.

I don't really believe in jumping to the worst case conclusion but I do think there is somethingn weird here in terms of finances as his lies seem to have a common theme. Has there been long standing, even if low level, conflict re finances in your relatjonship?

Having said all that, it might not be relevant. He lies. Repeatedly. He does not respect your desire for truth. You have every right not to be willing to accept that, no matter where the lies come from.

Oh he doesn't just lie about financials, there doesn't seem to be a theme really.
We have a joint account, our wages get paid into it bills etc covered then we split whats over for personal spends. We have never argued over money until I found out he had lied about the cost of his trip.
I think that there might be something pp said in that he enjoys deciding what he wants me to know.
Holly I don't know if he has always lied, I don't really know what my thoughts of our relationship prior to discovering the lies was true or not.

This sounds similar to a close relative of mine and a very good friend both of whom were almost pathological liars.

The friend was like this because it was a default setting from childhood. His mother was a total invasive Mum, constantly checking up and nagging and he grew up feeling nagged and being caught out so he lied and lied to evade her - and it became his default mode. He only changed after a couple of occasions where his small lies grew and grew and had really big ramifications - specifically the loss of trust and resulting loss of respect from others and even friendships. I think some counseling also helped.

The relative is more of a fantasist and just dreamed up mad tales - usually to justify their own shortcomings in a particular situation - there would be a fabulous (and usually funny) story about a series of mishaps resulting in a missed appointment - whereas the truth was they'd forgotten to write in a dairy. I think that this person struggled to admit that they were accountable when they screwed up so sought to deflect criticism, even in their own minds. Their partner called them on it - and they also saw the same trait developing in their own child - and so really tried to modify their own behaviour as a result.

Sounds like your DH is more similar to the first - and the worry is that, in some way, he equates you with an authority figure so automatically goes into lie mode. That could be a hard dynamic to break.