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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I know if I have a future with DH?

27 replies

WhatCanIChange · 26/02/2015 13:21

Long story short over the past 8 months I have found out my DH lies about little things because he says that he 'wants to protect me', he 'doesn't know how I would react', 'he doesn't want me to be upset'. The sort of things that I know he lies about are trivial and if I knew the truth I wouldn't be bothered about. He says he won't lie again and then he does.
I now do not trust him and I think the situation is making me unwell. I feel constantly on edge and I feel like I am waiting for the next lie. I do not know what to do. I do not know if I can stay married to someone I do not trust but I do not know how to go about trusting him again.
We have teen DC.

OP posts:
ToastedOrFresh · 26/02/2015 23:55

Yeah, sorry, but I agree with ShutUpLegs.

He's either bored or feeling guilty. He may not have anything to feel guilty about just a generalised anxiety. If so, what's the underlying cause ?

Also, sorry to say this but he might be feeling a bit, 'what's it got to do with you ?' immature attitude going on.

Apparently people also lie when they don't feel good enough. I'm not saying this is what the OP's husband is doing.

My husband has a relative and we know when she's lying because her lips move. It used to make us angry, these days we just laugh behind her back. We say to each other half the time she makes things up the other half is just lies.

I once worked with someone who kicked her husband out of the marital bed when he lost his high paid job. Their marriage was then breaking down very slowly. One of the long standing problems was he would not tell her how much he spent if he purchased something. It could be something as mundane as a pair of shoes she would have to ask, 'how much did they cost, fifty quid ?' Oh something like that he would reply. He didn't spend a great deal of money and it wasn't as if they couldn't afford it. She just seemed distrustful of him, I think he was fed up with being questioned like a guilty suspect.

OP's husband does not have a problem with the petty little lies such as pursuing his hobby with a friend on a day off but saying he had a quiet day and did paperwork. So, unfortunately he's not going to change. Maybe he feels that he has to account for his time and as has been mentioned, OP's wife seems to have become an authority figure.

WhatCanIChange · 27/02/2015 07:20

Thank you all for your replies. Thats a lot to think about.
I hadn't thought about me being an authority figure before.
My husbands mother left the family home when he was young, when he was about 7 years old and his father was very hands off parent so perhaps that explains it to some extent .
My husband is a very confident man so I don't think he lies to cover up any of his own shortcomings.
I do agree that this is not going to be an easy fix.
I have a counselling session today to see if I can make some order of my own thoughts Before I speak to my husband about this again as I always come away completely confused and unsure when I speak to him.

OP posts:
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