In limbo, will he stay or will he go and I'm coming apart at the seams. Need a hug.

[ScandiS]

Well, pretty much as it says above. OH is 'genuinly torn between rebooting our relationship and transitioning out of it' (his exact words). Have been together 8.5 years. Have 2 x DD 6.5 and nearly 5.

First DD came along when we had been together 2 years and up to then he says he was very happy. She came along. And life just started to throw one curve ball after the other, undiagnosed post natal depression (me), major illness * 2 (him) and I never quite bounced back and completely burned out just over 2 years ago when I lost my job(the point in time he really stopped looking forward to come home to me). I became neurotic and reactive and defensive.

He has been very very unhappy he says, but has not raised it as he has not wanted to upset me further when I have been down (cop out). We went to Relate a couple of years ago and it helped a bit, but as I had burned out (and didn't see how badly myself) it didn't have the success one would have hoped. Also, we stopped trying and fell back into old patterns.

He says our relationship lacks the essential things he needs, fun, laughter, a sense of closeness etc.
Anyway, now it has manifested into this and we are at rock bottom. I know it is just not me that is the issue here, i.e. his unhappiness with me, it's work stress, late midlife crisis (no one else involved he has said several times after my asking).
On Sunday he said he needed 'space'. So is now sleeping on the sofa (as he is sleeping very badly at the mo and he turns around and looks at me next to him (!) and then the next morning he was all 'Good Morning' and giving me a good morning peck on the lips when we 'ran into' each other in the kitchen.

He does not know whether he has the energy to go to a relationship counsellor right now, maybe with the space he will find it he says (?)
He says he is simply not going to walk out (also all the issues that come with that) but does not share my positiveness that we can work this out.
So, space it is. I find myself analysing everything he says and does (over analysing is one of my weaknesses). I'm not sleeping and it is having a really bad impact on my whole being. I am seeing a counsellor to get myself back on track. I need to get back to being strong and confident for my own and our DDs sake.

I don't want to lose him. How do I hold on to my sanity in this. I firmly believe we can be happy again, but realise that we both need to put the effort in.

Are there any happy stories out there where a couple have bounced back from something like this?

I think the only way to keep your sanity is to stop leaving it up to him what happens next. It is incredibly stressful believing that your fate is in somebody else's hands and out of your control. It is horribly cruel for him to have left things up in the air with that pompous statement you quoted at the start. So I suggest, even though it's not what you want, you end it, tell him to leave immediately and bring things to a conclusion. You will feel better for being in control, even though it will be distressing at first. You will be able to start recovering.

Good luck

You can have a hug for sure OP, but I can't give you any real hope here. He's checking out of this relationship but is lacking the guts to do it cleanly and honestly. And this is making you dance to his tune.

Two things really worry me here - "he stopped looking forward to coming home to YOU." and "he looks at me, next to him".

He is not nice or supportive and there doesn't seem to have been any real love between you for quite a few years.

I think you will feel better if you can take the initiative more and regain some control. Try giving him a deadline for his decision. And then if he's still undecisive, ask him to leave for a while.

It seems to me that you have been dancing to his tune for a long time and now it's your turn to make your own music.

Should add, if you still want the relationship to continue, acting decisively and with strength is a better bet and better for your self esteem than being passive and waiting on His Royal Highness to give you the nod

You need to have distance from each other, only then can both of you work out what it is you want, you can't think straight when you are in the middle of misery - please give yourself that permission.

Also, agree with above, every move seems to be down to him, his decisions, his choices - put yourself first for a change.

If it's meant to be you will come together again and hopefully on a better and more optimistic footing.

Having children really hits a relationship hard. Very hard. But you have to adapt to the challenges and situations it presents.

Tiredness induced arguments
Very little time together
Lack of sex drive
Lots of responsibility.

Are you both getting me time? By that I mean to go somewhere alone without the dc so that it feels as though you aren't confined to four walls with the dc permanently? Gym, coffee with a friend, a pint maybe. This is vital. Otherwise being in the home 24/7 or outwith working hours makes you forget that there is and end in sight to the hard slog of raising babies/toddlers.

Are you doing things together away from the dc? Something, anything, a walk out, dinner out?

What are most of your rows about?

'He's checking out of this relationship but is lacking the guts to do it cleanly and honestly' OhNoNotMyBaby... yes, that is the way it feels. I have asked him several times if he is looking for me to end this because he doesn't have the guts too, but he says no.
He is not very realistic I think of what life with children would be like. He is very much a rebellions teenager.
I'm just not sure how to put myself first here. I am seeing that counsellor, it will be session three tomorrow. I have very low self confidence. Didn't use to have, but have gone from one controlling relationship (mother) to another and was bullied at work too at one stage (not current job).

I am sitting here at work and am practically having a panic attack. Trying to control my breathing, but it is not working very well.
I don't want to tell him to go, as then I am doing his job for him (if that is what he is after) and I want to fight for this.

I am so, so tired today. I slept maybe two hours.

How on earth do I put myself first? I am trying to hold it together in-front of the girls, but can barely smile at them.

I agree with others in that the best way is to take control.
He should choose to put in the effort to mend the relationship or go. No middle ground.
If he doesn't go, legally separate, separate finances, no pecks on cheeks, no doing things for him, and he is responsible for the children for half the time.
In any case, I'd assume he's gone.

And probably off, but could there be someone else?

I'm sorry you're distressed but that's the inevitable result of wanting something you can't have. You can't 'fight for him'. You can't usually make someone behave in a particular way or feel particular emotions without some serious hold over them. And I think you know that.
To add to your stress I think you also know that you have to end it..... even though you don't want to.... because he's quite happy to let the situation drag on ad infinitum, taking your sanity with it.

So there you are stuck and the only way it is going to get resolved is to acknowledge that a) he is never going to be the person you want him to be and b) you're the only one that can end this impasse.

Lweji re the someone else; I have asked that a couple of times and he says no. I agree that there should be no middle ground. When this all kicked off on 10th of Jan he raised it as, we should write each other letters so we could explore what makes us unhappy, but it was put as, so we can discuss and see where we can compromise etc. The weekend after that we had a nice weekend, had sex, went out together just the two of us.
Now it is like it is swinging the other way, just picking holes not trying to fix.

We are not married so I don't have any rights. Well, I know he would have to pay some form of maintenance for the DD's but that's it. We both own our home together so that would have to be sold. I work in a crappy paid PT job so I can look after the girls two days a week, drop off/pick up from school. There is no way I can afford to pay rent/mortgage, food and bills on my own with my salary and what I believe he would have to pay in maintenance (based on the government calculator thingy). That worries me a lot. That said, I know we are not at that point yet and it is a bad habit of mine to 'catastrophise'.

Have you looked at what benefits you could get?
Talk to CAB and the council.
You should get as much info as possible so that you are not effectively his hostage.

Not looked at benefits yet. My counsellor says I shouldn't be doing this yet really, as I need to be in here and now. That said, I will probably look into all this tomorrow.

Anyway, I am not going to do his job for him, ie ending it. I can't. I love him. I believe there is something there still.

I think he's being very cruel to you really. With tax credits and maintenance you might manage just fine. When I split from ex h I was surprised how much financial help I got from tax credits.

You don't have to end it, you are merely asking him to give you some space - sleeping on the sofa isn't going to cut it - you both seem intent on staying put regardless of how shit things are, it won't change, it will get worse, nothing will change until you make changes so give yourselves that time to be on your own, neither of you will die without each other but I guarantee if you do it, you will both see more clearly and have a better idea of what you both actually want, it sounds like he is checking out already but is staying put to not lose face or look like he's a failure.

Yes, it feels like he is punishing me for something. He resents me I guess. Resents that I changed (pathetic I know). Resents that he has changed (but that is not my fault I know that).

Even if you love him, you have to protect yourself, and your mental health.
This situation is essentially cruel.

Why is your counsellor saying that you need to be here?

If there is still something there, you're more likely to find it if you don't let him stay in your house putting you through hell while you fall apart.

Not looked at benefits yet. My counsellor says I shouldn't be doing this yet really, as I need to be in here and now.

You have a counsellor who is advising against planning for your future while your relationship is breaking down?!

In my experience someone who wants to leave does exactly that. There's really no reason for him to still be there. I wonder if this is some sort of punishment or an attempt to exert control over you. You've had experience with controlling people previously. Is your oh prone to controlling behaviours ?

I think he's toying with you and enjoying every minuite of it.

badbaldingballerina123, His reason for being there are 'his girls' i.e. our DDs. He can't bare to leave them. Well, this is me making an assumption, but this is what I believe.
He is very uncompromising. (hangover from his ex marriage as he then conditioned himself to not accept any shit..she was hard work apparently - not his words, but friends and family) Controlling, well, in a way he is, but I'm not sure that is conscious.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I know what you mean about doing his work for him, but at the moment I think putting your own mental health first is more important. At the moment he thinks he can tell you that he is deciding between 'rebooting' and 'transitioning out' and that your response will be 'oh, ok, well I hope you decide to stay'. That isn't going to make him want to stay, I wish it worked like that but it doesn't.

I know you wouldn't want to give him the impression that you don't want to save the relationship. I think you could say that you won't put up with his current approach and don't want to be with a man who feels as he does about things. Tell him that he should leave, and consider it a separation, he can have space to consider things. If he wants to give it a go, and is willing to really commit to that then he can contact you and, if at that point you are still single/interested in doing so you can do the counselling. If there is any hope, any part of him that does want to make this work, then realising that you won't put up with this and knowing that he could lose you no matter what he 'decides' will bring that into focus. If not, then it was probably just a matter of time till he left. Take control and it will be better for you. You shouldn't do it because it might be only the way to save the relationship (though it might), but because it is true that you shouldn't put up with this. He's in, or he's out, and he doesn't get to be messing you around or keeping you 'reserved' for if he wants you in the meantime.

Of course it's conscious!!! All of that stuff in your first post is classic controlling behaviour. He's in charge of the whole shooting match and the cynic in me says he's trying to frighten you in to shaping up by threatening to 'transition out'.... ridiculous thing to say.

What he's hoping for... and what you appear to be doing... is that you will be so upset at the thought of it all being over that you will bust a gut trying to keep him on board. Agreeing to anything at all if it means avoiding a split. Meanwhile he drifts about saying he can't be bothered about counselling and he needs his space, watching you suffer.

That's control.....

Transition out-wtf? Who actually talks that way?

Agree with all the above, take the power away from him & tell him it's over. You'll be fine without him, look into what benefits you are entitled to & plan for a future which is just you & DC.

OP, reading your posts it sounds like maybe you've been told a lot of things about who and how you are, and what you do. Did he say that he no longer looked forward to coming home to you? No wonder you felt burned out, rather than being supported and helped to regain your confidence. I understand that he's been ill, and it sounds like you've both been through tough times. Perhaps it would help to try and think of reasons why you think that the relationship can be saved, why you think that he will be able to offer you the love and support you want in the future? What about him suggests that he can do that? You might regain your confidence and ability to assess clearly what you want faster if you take some time apart. I don't know how you can build self esteem in the current situation, but I think the minute you let him know this is not acceptable, then no matter how bad you feel...a kernel of self worth will be growing in there somewhere.

((((((hugs you needed)))))
Your situation sounds very tough. I admire your honesty about your part in the disintegration.

It sounds like you both really need what he says he wants: fun. light-heartedness, closeness.

People might scoff at this, but it's worth a try. Google that experiment on the 33 or 34 questions you need to ask to get anyone to fall in love with anyone. Send it to him, and suggest a date with him where you ask and answer them and do that looking into each other's eyes thing somewhere the lighting is flattering and the setting is good.

It might sound like a trivial idea but when you're both worn down, that sort of easy to do silliness that is scientifically designed to bring you closer may be just what you need as a quick fix to start you feeling more positive about each other.

DH and I have had some seriously rough times. We got through them by remembering, often, out loud, sweet and funny things from when we were first together.

Can you go away for the weekend - not the pressure of sex and faking what neither of you feels, but to do something, some activity or visit some place you've both always wanted to see or do. Focus on liking and appreciating each other again. And focus on your own goals, maybe tiny ones at first to bring you back to a state where you feel more positive about yourself.

All the obvious stuff: exercise, fresh air, silly comedies, meditation, affirmations, CBT etc can help.

Suggest you give each other a month to both improve. be kind day by day, be silly and nice day by day. Flirt if you want to. Give yourself and eachother treats. See if after a month you feel better than you did. if you do, take another month and improve even more.

For you, you sound shattered and drained, and in dire need of some self-care. Take a look at some of those life sites online. Live Bold & Bloom is good at helping you get your buzz back.

Sorry this is long. I get depression and have all sorts of tricks to keep it at bay, so passed most of them on!

Yet again every one else on the thread is blaming him. I'm on your side. not his. I don't like what he's doing or how he's doing it but if you had PND, that's hard to live with, just as his unhappiness is now hard for you to live with. he doesn't sound like he's being horrible on purpose (though he may be. You'll know in your heart if he is.)

But I agree with everyone else that you need to put yourself first. make yourself happy at this stage. That's crucial for you and your children, whatever happens to your relationship.