In limbo, will he stay or will he go and I'm coming apart at the seams. Need a hug.

[ScandiS]

Well, pretty much as it says above. OH is 'genuinly torn between rebooting our relationship and transitioning out of it' (his exact words). Have been together 8.5 years. Have 2 x DD 6.5 and nearly 5.

First DD came along when we had been together 2 years and up to then he says he was very happy. She came along. And life just started to throw one curve ball after the other, undiagnosed post natal depression (me), major illness * 2 (him) and I never quite bounced back and completely burned out just over 2 years ago when I lost my job(the point in time he really stopped looking forward to come home to me). I became neurotic and reactive and defensive.

He has been very very unhappy he says, but has not raised it as he has not wanted to upset me further when I have been down (cop out). We went to Relate a couple of years ago and it helped a bit, but as I had burned out (and didn't see how badly myself) it didn't have the success one would have hoped. Also, we stopped trying and fell back into old patterns.

He says our relationship lacks the essential things he needs, fun, laughter, a sense of closeness etc.
Anyway, now it has manifested into this and we are at rock bottom. I know it is just not me that is the issue here, i.e. his unhappiness with me, it's work stress, late midlife crisis (no one else involved he has said several times after my asking).
On Sunday he said he needed 'space'. So is now sleeping on the sofa (as he is sleeping very badly at the mo and he turns around and looks at me next to him (!) and then the next morning he was all 'Good Morning' and giving me a good morning peck on the lips when we 'ran into' each other in the kitchen.

He does not know whether he has the energy to go to a relationship counsellor right now, maybe with the space he will find it he says (?)
He says he is simply not going to walk out (also all the issues that come with that) but does not share my positiveness that we can work this out.
So, space it is. I find myself analysing everything he says and does (over analysing is one of my weaknesses). I'm not sleeping and it is having a really bad impact on my whole being. I am seeing a counsellor to get myself back on track. I need to get back to being strong and confident for my own and our DDs sake.

I don't want to lose him. How do I hold on to my sanity in this. I firmly believe we can be happy again, but realise that we both need to put the effort in.

Are there any happy stories out there where a couple have bounced back from something like this?

It's very different to be sad, or depressed, or saying and acting like you don't want to be with your partner, maybe.

People don't always know though do they? People often make the mistake of thinking their relationship is wrong when what's really happening is both people are burned out and have no one to support them when they want and need support. Especially when the children are that young.

OP can't let him mess her around or give him all the control but if they're both unhappy with how things are right now and talking about it, then they're giving each other a chance, and that's worth doing before splitting up, especially when there are young children. If it doesn't work out, then they know they tried.

This has similarly happened to me, but about 6 months ago. And I have 2 DCs of similar ages, so like you have had about 7 years of struggling with children and work and generally trying to survive life. This took a toll on our relationship which I didn't quite appreciate until I got the 'I don't love you anymore' speech.

I'm still in limbo, but things are better than before - I don't know which way it will end up. But from what I've learned, if you want to try to save it, give him space. It sounds (like my DH) that he has lots of pressure from work at the moment and he hasn't had time to think all this through. So give him time and space. Don't ask him where his head is / what he thinks of you etc. You will probably only get answers you don't want and he may actually not mean. Be kind but not desperate and (if you can, though it's so hard) positive and happy. Communicate calmly about house admin, children etc. but otherwise detach yourself. I know this is so hard when your heart has been ripped to shreds. My DH moved out, but it sounds like yours is still at home. You are exactly right about being strong and confident for yourself and your DDs. So he's probably in his little world of entitlement and that he 'deserves' to be happy etc. so let him try to find that.

Can you do things on your own with the kids (especially things you used to do together). Visit friends etc. you can say you are adjusting to life how it will be if he does leave. And he will see you all having fun without him. He will hate being left out and this will hit home - what he is giving up.

So you are being strong and coping and showing you will survive whatever happens and he will see you moving on with your kids without him. But be decent and don't ever show any self-pity or bitterness to him. Make it easy for him to come back if he wants to - but you have to wait until he wants to (which is the hard bit).

He is leaving you in limbo - not walking out, but not sure if you can fix it, but won't see a counsellor. So take control and be cool, calm and kind and it might work. I can't give you a success story, but I've been trying to do this and it feels the right way whatever the outcome. And you are taking the steps you need to take anyway if he does end up leaving for good.

I'd say that the only success in such a situation is not to go out of it too damaged. Regardless of what happens to the relationship.

Hi, Thank you for the last posts which I have only just read.
I ran screaming from Mumsnet last week. Thank you for the last posts which I have only just read.
I had a full on panic attack and went right down the rabbit hole again.
My OH is still in-house, but on sofa. I am trying to give him as much space as possible. My therapist says the request for space can be seen as a request from not talking (about 'us').
I have been doing a lot of research into untreated postnatal depression and it's like I am reading a story of my life. And in a way it makes me so, so sad (ha ha ha no pun intended) that this has had such an impact on me, and therefore my relationship (and no I do not 'accept' his selfish behaviour).

Sorry Scandi, but think your therapist is rubbish. You are taking all the weight of responsibility and blaming yourself.
That is just not on.
You need to think about you as a person with real, permissible needs and desires.
If only for your children, don't sell yourself short; you deserve respect.

I also think your therapist is not at all good ScandiS.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when growing up; your mother was and is controlling and so showed you a very poor example of one. Following on from all that you were controlled at work and it is likely that this man is a very similar version to her. You do realise that controlling behaviour like your mother showed you is infact abusive behaviour.

What is he doing to improve matters; he actually seems quite happy as he is and holds all the cards here (all this crap he spouts about rebooting or transitioning out of this indeed, is he G Paltrow in disguise?) whilst you continue to over analyse all this and bust your guts.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships. Would you want your DDs to have a relationship that is anything like this?. No?. Well you're showing them that this currently is acceptable to you.

Going back a bit,
He is very uncompromising. (hangover from his ex marriage as he then conditioned himself to not accept any shit..she was hard work apparently - not his words, but friends and family) Controlling, well, in a way he is, but I'm not sure that is conscious.
I wonder if that is how she came across, or his portrayal of her to his family. I wonder what they think of you atm.

Are you doing things for him?
You'd be justified to act as a separated couple. You do your own stuff, he has the children to himself two or three days per week.

Hi op

This is the here and now, some counsellors don't ever take the direct route because they feel they can't, allowing the client to come to their own conclusions is fine and how it should be.

But, in real life when others depend on you eg kids, there is nothing wrong with having a full back plan, bloody right ide get all my ducks in a row with regards to finances etc. this alone will allow you to check out of the emotional grinder

for a few minutes while you concentrate your efforts on a possible future win or without him.

I really hope he hasn't got an ow in the background and is waiting for the nod to be with her. Even if he decided to stay I doubt somehow you'll ever be entirely comfortable with this scenario for a while to come, he's thrown the cat among the pigeons now you can be as passive as you want too, your still going to feel like shit.

Oh and ditto your possibly finding future partners that echo your mother in some ways, this is a pattern set up for life unless tackled head on.

I agree with Cassawoof, give him space, do things on your own, detach yourself as much as possible. this way you can regain control but also not make decision for him - that would be too easy for him if you ask him to leave.
I sympathize with your situation. My boyfriend (we don't live together) has been saying for the last 3 months of 2014 that he is not sure how to take our relationship further. I am not going to go into details but we have quite complicated circumstances and he was tired of all. I gave him space, tried to detach (it was difficult) - I also put myself a deadline (which I has not shared with him) on how long I can put up with this. We had horrid Christmas day together and I almost thought I was ready to walk out but still didn't do it. Then after New Years he suddenly comes to me and says he wants to make the relationship work and will do his bit. the past two months were fantastic.
If you love your DH don't make it too easy to end this relationship but do try to detach. Your therapist is right - don't talk about "us" - just have some fun and let him see what he is going to miss if he walks out.

mikulkin, I am glad things have turned around for you.

Can't judge your therapist without meeting them. We react to things and focus on things we choose to hear. Therapist may be saying or supporting lots of different ways of helping you get your life on track. I wouldn't pay too much attention to posts that come down heavily on your side/his side/ pro or against your therapist. They're not informed opinions, they're guesses. You are both unhappy, that's clear. You both want life to improve and you both seem willing to make a go of it but too burned out to do it right now.

The only thing you can definitely do right now is help yourself. Focus on getting yourself as well and as rested as you can: GP/ therapy/ lots of light hearted rest and fun with and without the DC. Silly, fun family days out, nights in and out on your own, with friends, with DP etc. Take it gently and make no demands on yourself except to explore what makes you feel even a tiny bit happier. Build on that.

It's a really horrible situation for you, I can full appreciate that you must be feeling very hurt and worried about the future.

I wonder if he is really confused about what to do for the best. You have children together, I'm sure he really cares for you but maybe can't figure out whether he still loves you. And he may be paralysed by the thought of losing every day contact with the children.

It's just a different perspective, I could be completely wrong.

Good luck